Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

There are songs about romantic heartbreak, but where are the songs about losing a friend who meant EVERYTHING to you? That’s what Leila Six and I want to know. Today’s guest, Leila Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind. In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection. Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad [https://www.youtube.com/@leilasix],” which is her love letter to platonic love, and in order to spread the word, she’s hosting a contest [https://friendshipirl.com/leilasix]! The prize? A copy of Shasta Nelson’s book, Frientimacy [https://www.shastanelson.com/frientimacy]. The contest [https://friendshipirl.com/leilasix] ends on the International Day of Friendship, July 30. In this episode you’ll hear about: * Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortless * Learning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationships * The importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far away * The lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immature Resources & Links Follow Leila Six on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@leilasix], listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest! Listen to Episode 27 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-is-loneliness/id1650876530?i=1000611718942] and Episode 69 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-learned-loneliness-and-how-we-can-impact-change/id1650876530?i=1000649182537] about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 [https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/taking-political-action-and-being-a-connector/id1650876530?i=1000699020534]about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-with-connection/id1650876530?i=1000586558047] and Episode 7 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-build-meaningful-relationships-beyond-just-catching/id1650876530?i=1000588311698] with Alex Friedman. Follow Shasta Nelson [https://www.shastanelson.com/] on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/user/ShasGFC/videos] and Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/shastamnelson/], and read All About Love [https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/taking-political-action-and-being-a-connector/id1650876530?i=1000699020534] by Bell Hooks and How We Show Up [https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Show-Community-Fractured/dp/1580058078] by Mia Birdsong.  Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

A few years ago, five sets of my friends moved away within a six-month period. These people were my emergency contacts, the people I did Sunday dinners with. I was devastated. This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different. I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/boss-babe-reset-self-care-hacks-for-high-achievers/id1695940812] podcast, which I was recently a guest [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-adult-friendships-and-loneliness/id1695940812?i=1000662248032] on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore? When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life.  In this episode you’ll hear about: * The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hers * What Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changes * Proximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of life * Being flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friend Resources & Links Listen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-adult-friendships-and-loneliness/id1695940812?i=1000662248032] that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler [https://www.blakeblankenbecler.com/aboutblake], a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/blakeblankenbecler/]. Listen to Episode 12 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/digging-into-the-3-kinds-of-friendship-roots/id1650876530?i=1000595416452] about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-balance-friendship-and-marriage-without-losing/id1650876530?i=1000584906705], Episode 50 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/confession-ive-never-had-a-best-friend-with/id1650876530?i=1000631071673], and Episode 63 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-would-you-tell-your-20-year-old-self-about-friendship/id1650876530?i=1000643792883] about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/small-actions-add-up-putting-energy-into-your-friendships/id1650876530?i=1000604468080] and Episode 21 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-shift-in-friendship-during-our-mid-to-late-20s/id1650876530?i=1000605533019] about navigating friendship shifts. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

The other day I was telling a friend about my goal to be better about responding to text messages in a more timely manner. My friend agreed: this was something I needed to work on! And this was fair. Other friends have called me out on this, too.  But after recent episodes about virtual communities, parasocial relationships, and online friendship, it hit me that I’m not actually bad at ALL digital connection; I’m just drawn to certain types. In today’s episode, I delve into the spectrum of digital connection, which I’ve segmented into four levels: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections. I cover the purpose and challenges of each and why they matter. I hope this episode helps you find your “sweet spot” and figure out where you’d like to focus your digital attention, because here’s the thing about digital communication: it’s not just some optional add-on to friendship anymore.  Whether our friends live across the world or ten minutes away, bumping into each other online is one of the primary ways we connect these days, so strengthening this skill will only help your friendships.  In this episode you’ll hear about: * My four levels of digital connection: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections, and examples for each * Understanding our own strengths and weaknesses in digital connection and the practice it takes to become skilled in each format * The value and challenges for each form of communication; for example, surface-level signals and active updates are easy to implement but can sometimes feel one-sided * Common struggles in digital connection, including mismatched expectations, overwhelm, and guilt about missing updates, and how to manage these struggles Resources & Links Listen to my recent episodes on digital connection, including Episode 129 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-parasocial-relationships-as-a-bridge-for-real/id1650876530?i=1000708576674] and Episode 130 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/making-friends-online-with-minded-society-co-founders/id1650876530?i=1000710416748], about making friends online, and Episode 128 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-parasocial-relationships-as-a-bridge-for-real/id1650876530?i=1000708576674] about parasocial relationships. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In the past few episodes, I’ve talked about keeping in touch with friends through the digital space. This episode goes a step further: how do you MAKE friends online? Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society [https://mindedsociety.com/], which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances.  We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website [https://mindedsociety.com/memberships/]. Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world. In this episode you’ll hear about: * The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of loneliness * What Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the world * The importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.) * Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundaries Resources & Links Listen to Episode 127 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-data-to-manage-the-friendship-mental-load-with/id1650876530?i=1000706795064&l=vi] about calling your friends and Episode 24 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-the-marco-polo-app-helped-create-an-epic/id1650876530?i=1000608772316&l=vi] about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots [https://alexalexander.com/category/friendship/roots/] framework. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Are online friends REAL friends?  I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are. In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support. At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world. In this episode you’ll hear about: * How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley Stroupe * Where online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media) * Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from them * Common concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet? Resources & Links Listen to Episode 25 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-real-pain-of-friendship-break-ups-with-patrice-poltzer/id1650876530?i=1000609787026] with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/actionable-ways-to-build-the-connections-you-need-in/id1650876530?i=1000629502573] with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/crafting-connections-in-small-towns-and-virtual/id1650876530?i=1000651414754] with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-making-friends-can-help-you-make-the-big-life/id1650876530?i=1000626311539] with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-with-connection/id1650876530?i=1000586558047] and 7 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-build-meaningful-relationships-beyond-just-catching/id1650876530?i=1000588311698] with Alex Friedman. Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-parasocial-relationships-as-a-bridge-for-real/id1650876530?i=1000708576674] about parasocial relationships! Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!