shay ~ feeling lonely but not alone
Sometimes I feel like I’m doing really well, my life really isn’t that bad. I have a pretty good compared to others. Though, sometimes, more like all the time, I realize how alone I really am. I have friends, but they don’t really text often, which is okay. I’ve never thought them having a life or not texting me every second of the day was a problem. It just really sucks in the sense that, sometimes being in my own world with no one here to really, actually want to share it with me. I have friends, but a part of me knows that I put on a face with them around sometimes. Not one that’s not exactly me, but more of a one where I adapt in some aspects to be the kind of person they want to be around. Like not joking as much, not talking about myself and the way I want to. I used to vent all the time, sometimes I still find myself wanting to. But now I’m just scared. I’m scared of being that person who was always sad, the person who always vented, who always made everything about them.
I thought I was doing good, but now I don’t know anymore. Sometimes those moments where it feels like I’m fading away from everybody, I’m not a part of your life in a way where they actually think about me. I don’t think anyone hates me or anything like that. I think the most scary part about it. It’s not that I want people to need me, I just wish more people wanted me, more than a few family members. This isn’t something that I see a direct solution to, I’ve talked about it a few times, or at least in ways I’ve tried to. In the scenario talking doesn’t help. Communicating to other people, doesn’t help. Because it’s life., people drift, and that’s okay. I’m not suicidal, I have goals and things I want, things I plan to achieve, but I still purposely walk across the street without looking both ways, I’m not careful around the fryers, I put all the silverware, including the knives, in a soapy sink. I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. But for a while now, I’ve been thinking “I think there’s something wrong with me.” I’ve been struggling to reach out, which is so, so unlike me. Im always so quick to talk about myself, but now I think I’m disgusted by it.
