Briony - Essence of Love
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If I don’t count the seven hours I spent riding the fence over the pros and cons of staying at Nick’s cottage, the flight home was uneventful.
Before I left for Heathrow Airport yesterday afternoon, I was perfectly calm. I wasn’t angry, there wasn’t any angst involved in my decision to remove myself from his presence. Just a need for quiet, to allow myself to think clearly.
Could I have left in a less dramatic way? Yes. I could have told Nick I was leaving. Yet, I somehow knew he’d manage to keep me there.
I’m not a weak woman, either. The man just has the power of persuasion always at the ready. I don’t stand a chance if I don’t have things figured out before discussing it.
No, I deserved to have space to think without anyone else’s input. For once, I was going to get just that. Yet, nearly as soon as I left the penthouse and sat down in the black taxi, I began to have serious doubts.
I love Nick, and I know he loves me. So, what am I trying to prove? Does it really matter something seems not quite right? Don’t get me wrong, Nick has been warm and respectful, and just wonderful in general since the night he gave me the necklace. Yet…
It’s as if Nick thinks I’m fragile, so he’s afraid to touch me. I mean that both figuratively and literally. It feels like Nick is holding back, and that doesn’t begin to cover how he’s only held my hand or given me hugs. Not one kiss!
I know it’s only been a short time since we’ve been seeing each other romantically. But, honestly…not even a peck on the lips? We’re not exactly strangers!
I just keep wondering…what’s he waiting for? Because if he thinks I’m going to be in one of those medieval marriages that were strictly platonic, he’d better have another think coming.
Still, there would be times that he would look at me with so much tenderness and heat, that I felt as if I were imagining things. So, I thought, maybe he’s just nervous. Maybe he didn’t feel it was the right time. Maybe he needed more from me.
As the days slipped by, I eventually ran out of excuses. I don’t doubt his love, but I began to doubt he knew the difference between a friend and a lover. The discussion of the night before just seemed to blow up the issue, leaving me with more questions.
What does he want to marry me for? To have someone cook his meals? To discuss plays and run lines with him? To accompany him on his long stretches out of the country?
Ok, I know that isn’t fair to him. He really does listen to me, and he’s always seemed to care more about what I think than any other man I’ve known. There’s just…something missing. Besides the kisses that is. Something that I can’t put my finger on.
The thought strikes me about the fifth hour of the flight. What’s missing is the passion, and I don’t mean the physical variety. There’s no sharing ice cream, or having chats every night until we fall asleep. There’s no sharing giggles, except for the occasional banter, and certainly no dreaming of the future.
We may watch War and Peace or Oliver Twist and discuss every plot point, but at some point, we stopped sharing the pieces of ourselves that mattered the most. I don’t know what happened, but I don’t like it.
Pointing it out, meant being brushed off with a remark about how busy his schedule is during post production. To be fair to him, he’s right, but if I’m going to be penciled in under ‘get milk,’ if I’m going to be treated as a convenience…it’s just not going to work.
Yesterday wasn’t the only straw, but it was certainly the last. I’ve been battling all summer to get this food truck off the ground. Yet, it’s been one thing after another. In the middle of yet another soulless conversation, I realized he has no idea the stress I’m under. Nor did he appear to care.
Sure, I could have brought it up. He would have politely listened as he always did, but that would have been the end. We would have gone on to something else. The one thing that Nick and I seemed to have before, even if it was just a glimmer, was an ability to talk to each other honestly.
Yet, now, even that’s missing, and the only thing I can figure, is that neither of us know how to date. It’s our first time doing this, therefore, there are going to be growing pains. So, what do we do about that?
By the time I reach my cottage around midnight, shower and crawl into bed, both body and brain are exhausted mush. My last thought before closing my eyes, is to wonder what Nick had for dinner.
After emailing back and forth with a promising new fish vendor, I look up at the clock on my bedroom wall. 9:04am. As good a time as any to drag myself out of bed.
Pulling on a cream, mustard and French blue maxi skirt with a matching blue cropped tank, I pad barefoot to the front door. It’s much warmer here than it is in Europe, but as I look at the tall trees, still full of vibrant green color, I know it won’t be long before autumn sweeps in with its hint of frost colored in orange, red and gold.
Collecting all of the groceries I had delivered, I shuffle everything back to the kitchen. It’s been so long since I’ve cooked something purely for myself, so I’m going straight to comfort food. There’s still two days before Nick gets home, and I plan to be happily fed when he returns, if nothing else.
After putting the rest of the groceries away, I set about making Beef Bourguignon and mashed potatoes. I make extra in case Annie and Ben want to join me for lunch. I know there isn’t much for Annie to clean with Nick being gone, so she may have already gone home. But, if Ben isn’t mowing lawns, then he’s pruning bushes, or trees, or fixing something or other. He can at least take some home with him.
While I wait for the stew to finish cooking, I make a fruit tart for dessert. I’ve just poured a glass of mint green tea lemonade a couple of hours later when my door bell rings.
I haven’t even told my family that I’m home early, so I wonder who it could be. I start towards the door, but pull myself up short when I see Nick’s grizzled profile through the glass. What’s he doing here?
Self consciously touching a hand to my curls, frizzy with humidity, my heart beats faster as I open the door and freeze.
Nick’s eyes are molten blue pools as they rake me from head to toe and back again. He slowly extends a bouquet of pink and white flowers toward me. “My life, I’ve missed you..may I come in?”
Slowly nodding in shock, I accept the flowers and step aside for him. “Thank you for the flowers.”
His eyes never leave me as he steps inside and closes the door. He’s buzzing with a quiet energy that feels different from the usual easiness that exists between us. Dipping my head to smell the pretty buds, I decide he must have had a lot of coffee on his trip over.
“They’re Asters,” he unexpectedly says. I look up at him uncertainly, and wonder when he crept closer. “It smells amazing in here. Is it alright if I stay for lunch?”
I tilt my head as I consider him. His pressed, white button up and khaki shorts aren’t travel worn, so he must have changed at home before walking over. “You’re always welcome at my table, Nick.”
I turn and hustle back to the kitchen to get the flowers in a vase. Sitting the crystal vase on the wood block island, I turn back for the scissors, but I’m surprised when I see Nick already has them. “Allow me, love.”
As he takes the flowers and begins cutting the stems, neatly arranging them in the vase, I shake my head in surprise. Who knew a man could look like that, and smell like him, while arranging flowers? I need to get a grip.
“What are you doing here, Nick?”
His eyes flick to mine, before flicking back to the flowers. “At the moment? Arranging a bouquet of flowers. Presently? Desperately hoping that I haven’t lost the woman whom I hope is still my fiancée.”
For the first time in a month, his gaze is unguarded, and the mix of fear, affection, and longing take me by surprise. He drops his gaze to continue arranging his flowers, but I don’t miss the slight tremor in his hands.
Pursing my lips as I ponder how to say what I thought I had days to come up with, I walk to the cupboards and pull out a couple of pasta bowls to set the table. By the time I’ve got the stew and mashed potatoes in serving bowls and on the table, Nick has arranged the flowers in the middle of the dining table, and sat down to join me.
“Wine?” I ask.
“What do you have?”
“I can do a pinot noir or a cab sav.”
Nick purses his lips. “Surprise me.”
After retrieving a bottle and uncorking it, Nick pours for us, and sits down to eat. I’m surprised when he loads up on mashed potatoes, but I don’t say a word. I’m no longer his chef.
“The pinot pairs well with the beef,” he hums after a sip.
When I nod in response, he continues. “I love the stew over the mashed potatoes. It’s like they’re made for one another,” he shoots me a meaningful look.
I smile wanly. “Perhaps.”
We eat in silence, and I must admit, I don’t savor much of the meal, since I’m more concerned about what he’s going to say. The same can’t be said for Nick however, who seems to be having a spiritual experience with every bite and sip.
I would be jealous, but I know how hard he works to eat healthy. This is a real cheat meal for him, and if I’m being honest, I’m just happy to see him so rapturous.
“I’m glad to see you enjoying something, Nick.” Ooh..that had more of an edge than I intended.
He opens his eyes and pins me with a lazy smile. “I learned from the best, my life.”
I grimace at the nickname, unsure what to say to that. “What does it mean when you keep saying, ‘my life’?”
Nick smiles as he sips his wine, never breaking eye contact. “It surprised me that its owner so quickly forgot the meaning of their own pet name.”
I raise a brow. “Are you trying to say I made up that nickname?”
Nick gives a short nod as he helps himself to a third serving of stew and potatoes. “Among other things, yes.”
I scowl in frustration. “When did I do such a thing, and why would I do it?”
Nick smirks. “It was on the night you proposed. I suppose it was your proposal gift to me.”
I chuckle in disbelief as I slap a hand to my chest. “Me? I proposed to you? When was this?”
He chuckles softly, his eyes alight with amusement. “I don’t know if I should be offended that you don’t remember the most important night of our lives thus far, but yes, you did. It was the night we spent together in Nottinghamshire.”
My face immediately flushes under Nick’s watchful eye. I clear my throat, and mutter “Why couldn’t you say the night you got sick?”
Nick playfully shrugs his broad shoulders. “You remember it how you want, and I’ll remember it the way it was.”
I scowl as I rub an eye. “How can you remember anything? You were out of it if I recall.”
Nick swallows his last bite. “Do you think I would forget something like that? I memorize lines for a living. I’ll never forget the most important words ever spoken to me. It’s why we carry them with us, wherever we go.”
My brows rise. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He nods towards me as his gaze lowers. “It means you wear these words over your heart, just as I do mine.”
My eyes involuntarily drop to the chain that Nick wears beneath his shirt. It had appeared not too long after I received my own chain, but I hesitated to ask the meaning in it.
Overpowered by a burning curiosity, I stand to lean over the table and lift his chain from beneath his shirt.
Nick gazes at me earnestly, but doesn’t say anything. His simple gold chain has a similar set of dashes and dots, but his dashes are gold, and his dots appear to be made of onyx beads.
I’m startled when his large hand covers mine. I look into his pale blue eyes, and the fire burning there leaves me breathless. “Briony.”
That’s it. He just exhales my name, and I melt, crumpling back into my chair as he releases my hand. His intent gaze pins me in place, and I find myself barely breathing as he begins to speak.
“After you proposed to me, you asked what I would like to call you. I said my love and my wife. You said that makes you ‘my life’. I couldn’t agree more. Which is why those are the words that sit above your heart.”
I swallow around a lump in my throat. This is a lot heavier than I expected. “Ah. I thought Be Mine sounded a bit too Hallmark. I’m glad you went with something more original.”
His lips twist in a wry smile. “I thought you’d approve, love.”
Gesturing toward the chain around his neck, I nod. “So, what does yours say?”
Nick shakes his head. “Some things should be sacred.”
That draws a smile out of me. “It’ll remain sacred in my mind. So, what does it say?”
Nick smirks. “Alright, my love. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. It may not be your finest work, but it will be one of your most enduring.”
My eyes snap to his, as I look at it harder. “It’s not the same as mine. There are more dashes and dots on yours.”
He nods with a smirk. “I believe you combined the words, husband and lover for my pet name.”
I look at him askance. “Well that doesn’t make any sense. What would that be? My lusband?”
He laughs as he leans on the table, folding his hands beneath his chin. “I believe you made me your ‘hover..’”
“Whaaat?” I shake my head in disbelief as Nick laughs. “It’s horrible!”
“I know, love, but what can I do? It’s what you came up with.”
I laugh at the incongruity of it. “So, you put My Hover on the chain?”
Nick winks at me. “It’s a sacred inside joke. Don’t make me regret telling you.”
“Or else what? You’re going to buzz around my head like a mosquito?” I snort.
“Among other things…” he says softly.
Just like that the tension is back. I finish my last sip of wine and sit the glass down. “So…did you accept my proposal?”
Nick relaxes back in his chair, his arm draped across the back. “What do you think we’re doing here, my life?”
I close my eyes and take a breath. “I know what I’m doing here, but what are you doing here? There are still two days left in your post-production schedule. You’re supposed to be in London until Saturday.”
He waves a hand dismissively. “That’s been handled. But…” Leaning forward earnestly, his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “More important is that I apologize. I’m sorry Briony, that I haven’t been pouring my all into our relationship. I don’t want to love you like an afterthought, rather I want to love you like you’re the main point. You deserve nothing less. I’m hoping that you can forgive me, and give me another chance.”
I’m pretty sure my eyebrows have lifted clean off my face, but I nod in response. Did he say, love? “Ah..Ok.”
Nick shakes his head slightly, his confusion reflected in his eyes. “Wait, what do you mean, ok? You’re giving me another chance? Just like that?”
I nod again with a wrinkle in my brow. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
Nick sets his glasses on the table to scrub his hands down his face. “So, wait…why did you fly home early if you weren’t upset? I thought I’d have to do serious groveling to get your forgiveness.”
I raise a brow. “I think you’ve been reading too many scripts. Forgiveness isn’t something that can be earned on some sort of point system. I was upset enough to remove myself, so that I’d have time to think. I’ve done that. You acknowledged you made a mistake, and indicated you want to make changes. I accept that.”
He silently appraises me, his lips pursed as if he’s solving an impossible problem.
“I don’t need the groveling,” I shrug. “It’s that simple. And, I don’t think begging on hands and knees for forgiveness will do a thing to make our relationship stronger…unless you have some compulsive need for it. In that case, I won’t stop you, but there’s a $50 maximum on any grand gestures that follow.”
Nick smiles as some of the tension leaves his shoulders. “Who puts a cap on grand gestures?”
I fold my arms. “There are better ways to spend money than on releasing a thousand white doves for me. A trip to Bora Bora as an expression of love, without it being attached to a memory of how someone messed up, would be much nicer and involve a lot less bird poop.”
I sigh with a shake of my head. “Can we just agree that our memories of beautiful experiences can be kept free of the guilt that would forever be associated with a grand gesture? Please?”
Nick shakes his head with a smile. “You have a point, my love. That’s fair. We can save Bora Bora for our honeymoon.”
I raise a brow. “I hear private yacht rentals are a fantastic way to spend a honeymoon. We can hop around the South Pacific visiting different islands, dressed in nothing but our bathing suits for the whole three weeks. I’ll just need a couple of years to pay for it.”
Nick laughs. “Maybe it’ll take that long for me to propose. So, we’re even.”
I stand to clear the plates. “I thought we were engaged already.”
Nick helps me bring dishes into the kitchen, and begins rinsing dishes to sit in the dishwasher. “Of course, we are. Yet, I admit to being a bit old fashioned in that I’d like to ask you, and hear you willingly agree to be mine.”
I stop putting food in containers to throw my hands on my hips in mock outrage. “Well, what do you call this necklace, if it isn’t an engagement necklace? Didn’t you ask me then?”
Nick flicks water at me. “Are you telling me you’re that easy to bring into my life? That I’ve spent all of this time overthinking it?”
“Uh-uh!” I quickly run a hand under water and flick him as he tries to dodge. “The word isn’t easy, it’s willing.”
Fast as lightning, he reaches out and catches me by the arm as he fills up a glass with water in the other.
I squeal in laughter as I try to get away. “You’d better not!”
“What?” He asks feigning innocence. “I thought you were willing?”
“To marry you!” I squeal as he drips some of the water on me as I try to get free. “Not to be splashed!”
He smirks as he gazes at me calculatingly. “I still haven’t asked, but do hold onto that thought, love. It won’t be long now.”
With that he begins drinking the glass of water. As his arm raises, I see my opportunity, and I take it. But, as soon as I begin tickling him, he immediately sprays water in my face in a big gush.
We both freeze staring at each other, before collapsing in a fit of laughter.
After we get me and the kitchen cleaned up, we settle on the swing on the back porch with our slices of fruit tart and iced tea. I love it back here year round, but especially in summer.
The tall evergreen trees that serve as a privacy barrier, provide ample shade, but my smaller yard space is still edged with honeysuckle bushes that provide extra privacy. The sweet smelling reddish buds, always attract hummingbirds at this time of year, and we lazily watch them float back and forth in the waning summer heat.
“So, tell me, love. What other woes brought you across the pond?” Nick asks solemnly.
I sigh as I lean back and set the swing in motion. “It’s a headache, even for me. Are you sure you want to know, Nick?”
His hand brushes over my curls as he responds. “Tell me everything.”
So I do. I start from the beginning with every single thing that’s happened until now. Nick is perfectly attentive, but also engaging, asking questions, and being a sounding board for some of the solutions I’ve come up with. Just like that, my Nick is back, and I’m amazed at the turn around within the last 24 hours.
After we’re done brainstorming, Nick surprises me by asking, “Well, what can I do to help?”
My head swings in his direction, and he unflinchingly meets my dubious gaze. “What can you do? You’re leaving in less than two months.”
“Yes, but you launch in three weeks. You said that you’re having trouble finding a daily storage place. Why don’t you park it in the garage here? I can even help you get the truck organized.”
My brows shoot up as I contemplate his offer. Sure, he has a five car garage that could double as fire station. It doesn’t mean I should use it.
“Why do you insist on making me take advantage of you? Do me a favor. Never gamble, ok? You’d just give away money.”
Nick’s laughter resonates in the trees, as his tousled blonde waves bounce in the breeze. “Unless I’m playing with you, I’d like to think I have more sense than that. Besides, I think it makes the case for you to continue living here.”
“What? Why wouldn’t I continue to live here?”
Nick looks at me askance. “So you won’t be moving out?”
“Not at the moment, no.” I shake my head. “But, we should discuss rent.”
Nick’s look of surprise is priceless. “The cottage belongs to you, so I don’t know what rent you think I’m supposed to accept.”
Shaking my head, I rest my head against the arm he’s stretched behind me. “There are always taxes. At least let me pay for that.”
“Why would I? The estate is mine, the cottage is yours. Why on earth would I calculate taxes on something I pay as a whole? No, darling. Let’s not and say we did.”
I raise a brow. “I don’t recall having that conversation, but you have to accept something for it. I can’t just live here for free.”
The determined set of Nick’s jaw says otherwise. “Sure you can. You’ve already been doing it for years. At any rate, you’re my fiancée, and I say it’s perfectly alright.”
“I believe,” I growl sitting up, “that in fact, you’re my fiancé, since, allegedly, I’m the only one who’s done any asking around here.”
Nick smirks. “A fact that will be remedied as soon as possible. What point are you trying to make, my life?”
As he gazes at me lovingly, I rest the cool glass against my cheeks. “Well…” I hedge, “What if we break up? How could I continue to live here without some sort of agreement?”
Nick’s face contorts as a thousand emotions cross his face. He settles on a scowl as he replies. “That’s a bridge that we’ll never come to, because all bridges off this island have been blown up. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out, but I can guarantee, there is no option that includes me accepting money for your cottage. Besides. What precedent would you be setting for our next tenant, once we’re married?”
I stare back at him in confusion. “What next tenant? And why is there so much talk of being married, when we haven’t been officially engaged yet?”
He smiles sheepishly. “I may be a bit over excited, dearest. What would you like to do with the cottage, once we’re married?”
I look up at him, dumbfounded. There he goes again! “I don’t know…guest house? Home office? What am I saying?”
I drop my head in my hands, and as Nick begins to rub my back, I groan. “This feels so surreal. Is this really happening? Are we really talking about being married? We haven’t even kissed, and we’re discussing what we’ll do with the cottage. Don’t get me wrong, I love that we’re talking about these things, I just…what’s wrong?”
Nick’s hand has stilled on my back, and when I peer over my shoulder I see he’s frowning as he stares at a point in the distance.
“Ah…nothing. You just mentioned…kissing, and I was wondering what that…has to do with anything.”
I don’t think my eyebrows have climbed to my hairline faster than they do at that statement. I lean away from him as I sit my glass on the side table.
“Wait just a minute. What do you mean, you’re wondering what kissing has to do with anything? You don’t believe in some medieval idea of courtly marriage do you? Because let me tell you, if that’s what you think this will be, we are signing up for therapy like, yesterday.”
Nick starts coughing as he sputters. “What? No! I don’t…where would you get such an idea?”
When he finally looks at me, the seriousness is back, the heat of it working to steal my breath away. Oh, sure, it’s tinged with humor and curiosity, but that is not the main dish it’s serving tonight. I pick up my glass to return the coolness against my reddening cheeks.
“Um. Well, if I’m being honest…you just haven’t seemed very interested in figuring out that part of our relationship…”
I’m fidgeting with the folds of my skirt, and I’m forced to stop when Nick’s hand covers mine. I risk another glance at him, and find him gazing at me intently, his glasses pushed to the top of his head.
“I respect you, Bri. I just want you to know that.”
I pull my bottom lip between my teeth to gnaw on it. How do I get him to see that I need this respect to translate into actual affection at some point. “Hm. Yes. I know. You respect me, I respect me. I respect you, too. But…just let me know what I’m dealing with here.”
Nick never takes his eyes off of me as he pushes my curls over a shoulder, and allows his hand to rest at my throat. My heart skips a beat as he gently presses on my rapidly beating pulse. “Let me assure you, my life. I have no interest in courtly love. We can debate the pros and cons of it another time, but for now, suffice it to say, it won’t be an idea introduced in our home. Is that clear enough for you?”
My eyes widen as I nod, trying to control my breathing and wildly beating heart. It doesn’t help that I’m completely engulfed in Nick’s spicy lemon lavender scent.
He nods with a little smile. “Good. Now, tell me what you want me to do to allay your fears.”
I swallow hard, causing him to grin. “Um, I think…just kn-knowing where we stand is good for now.”
Liar! We want kisses and lots of them!
I clear my throat as I glance away, trying to not be distracted with the way his thumb is moving against my throat.
His smile turns dangerous as he draws me closer. “I’m so glad that you’re satisfied with that explanation, love.”
He presses a kiss to my jaw beneath my ear and raggedly whispers, “I don’t want you to think for a moment that my being respectful has to do with a lack of attraction, or anything else on your part.”
He pulls back, his eyes searching mine as he softly says, “I want you, Briony. All of you. I can surely wait a few months to make sure that it happens before God and everyone else.”
Um. What?
“A few months?” I squeak.
“Mmhm,” he nods, his gaze turning molten when his eyes drop to my mouth. “But, with your permission—”
I have nowhere to go as his head dips towards mine, his hand slipping to the back of my neck as our lips meet. The kiss is gentle at first. A soft flutter of his lips against mine, as I grip his shirt to steady myself. Then, he deepens the kiss, I kiss him in return, and it becomes more urgent. When I melt against him, I can sense his surprise when he abruptly draws back to look at me.
“Are you sure this is your f-first kiss?” He stutters hoarsely.
I frown at him in a daze as I try to catch my breath. “Yes,” I whisper.
Nick looks at me in amazement as he once again runs his thumb over my throat. Dropping a peck on my lips, he pulls me into his arms. He’s gripping me so tightly, I’m beginning to think I messed it up.
“What’s wrong, Nick? Did I do something wrong?”
He relaxes his hold minutely as his gravelly chuckle sends a jolt through me. “Not at all. It’s only…I think that I may have misapprehended something before, and this was actually my first kiss, too. To be honest..I’m a bit shaken by it.”
I pull back in confusion as I look up at him. His gaze is hot on me, as he manages to look both thunderstruck and a bit bewildered. “But, you’ve kissed so many women over the years. You just kissed Amelia Raglan less than a month ago. Multiple times if I recall correctly,” I add, trying not to sound too bitter about it.
Nick chuckles again. “I’m just as surprised as you, love. I didn’t know that being in love with the person makes so much of a difference.”
I look up at him as a smile starts to spread across my face. “So, you love me, which is why our kiss rocked your world.”
He laughs as he pulls me back into his arms, resting his head on mine. “There aren’t enough words to tell you how much I love you. But, yes, I love you, Briony. With my whole heart.”
The rush of tears to my eyes is immediate. Turning my face into his neck, I place a gentle kiss there causing him to still. And, I don’t know..it might be my new favorite thing. Ok, I lied. It’s totally my new favorite thing.
“I love you, too, Nick.” I smile. “Now, I completely respect your decision not to go any further until we’re married. But can we at least replace the number of kisses that Amelia received?”
He drops a kiss on my temple. “Bri baby, that one kiss has wiped out every single kiss I’ve ever had. But, I’ll happily oblige your request…out of respect you understand.”
I chuckle before I’m melting into his kiss yet again. Respect indeed!
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