How To Actually Get Your Needs Met In Bed (Without Killing The Mood)

How To Initiate Sex

Ever wanted to make the first move and just… froze? Initiating is one of the most vulnerable things we do, and almost nobody talks about how hard it is. This week Jay-Jay Feeney and somatic sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes get into how to initiate sex without the fear of rejection: why it can feel scarier than the sex itself, how to handle a "no" without spiralling, and the tiny shifts that bring desire back to life in long-term relationships. Inside this episode: * Why initiating feels so loaded (and why long-term love makes it harder, not easier) * The one-word response to "no" that stops the shame spiral in its tracks * Mismatched desire; are you and your partner even speaking the same language? * Ovens vs gas hobs: why "preheating" outside the bedroom changes everything * Emily Nagoski's gateways into desire: play, care and curiosity * Real, low-stakes ways to initiate tonight: flirty texts, kissing, music, massage * Plus your Pleasure Practice DMs, including the "I was meant to be the submissive one" plot twist * Whether you're the one who always makes the first move, the one who's given up trying, or somewhere in between, this one's for you. How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz [http://www.wildsecrets.co.nz/] & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com [https://hthspodcast.substack.com/] INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast] FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast [https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast] YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast] EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com [howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com] Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex [https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex] How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz [https://www.podlab.co.nz/] HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

How to Explore Beginner-Friendly BDSM

BDSM. Two seconds after hearing that word, most people picture whips, chains, leather, and some kind of expensive basement situation. (Just me? Okay, just me.) This week, certified somatic sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes breaks down what BDSM actually is — and spoiler: it's a much wider, far less terrifying spectrum than you think. We cover: * What BDSM really means (and what it definitely doesn't have to mean) * Why so many people are secretly curious about power play, restraint, and dominance, and feel weirdly ashamed about it * The psychology behind dominant people wanting to submit, and vice versa * How to go from "we've vaguely thought about this" to actually trying it, without a cringe disaster * The beginner's menu: easy, low-stakes things to explore first * Consent conversations that don't feel like a workplace health and safety briefing * Safewords, aftercare, and the mistakes people make, copying what they've seen online * And this week's Pleasure Practice to try at home Whether you're deeply curious, mildly intrigued, or just here to find out what all the fuss is about, this one's for you. Don't start with a whip and a prayer. Start here. How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz [http://www.wildsecrets.co.nz/] & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com [https://hthspodcast.substack.com/] INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast] FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast [https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast] YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast] EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com [howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com] Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex [https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex] How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz [https://www.podlab.co.nz/] HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

How To Keep Porn From Replacing Intimacy

Porn. We're going there. Whether you watch it, your partner watches it, or you've never really thought about it, this episode is the honest, shame-free conversation you didn't know you needed. Jay-Jay and Mel explore why porn is so wildly popular, what your search history might (and might not) say about you, and the real question nobody asks: is your porn use helping, or quietly replacing intimacy in your relationship? This is sex education, not judgment. We cover: * Why men and women consume porn so differently, and what women are actually looking for * The psychology of eroticism and why taboo fantasies make sense * Porn and relationships: when it's fine, when it's not, and what to do when you've just caught your partner watching it (Mel shares her story, and it's a good one) * The top-searched categories in 2025 and what that tells us about desire * How porn can actually rewire your body's arousal response, and make it harder to orgasm with a partner * Ethical porn: what it means, and where to find it (Erika Lust gets a mention) * Audio erotica, smut, and other ways to explore desire beyond visual porn * Mentioned in this episode: https://erikalust.com/ [https://erikalust.com/] for ethical porn, and if you want to listen to the best audio erotica, try https://www.tryquinn.com/ [https://www.tryquinn.com/] or https://www.dipseastories.com/ Next week: BDSM. Subscribe so you don't miss a thing. And if this episode resonated, leave us a review. It genuinely helps. How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz [http://www.wildsecrets.co.nz] & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com [https://hthspodcast.substack.com] INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast] FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast [https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast] YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast] EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com [howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com] Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex [https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex] How To Have Sex is produced at PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz [https://www.podlab.co.nz] HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

How To Actually Get Your Needs Met In Bed (Without Killing The Mood)

Asking for what you want in bed might be the scariest thing you never do. Scarier than being naked. Scarier than asking for a pay rise. And for a lot of us, we'd rather go along with it, fake it, or hope they read our minds. In this episode, sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes and broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney get into the real reason we go quiet in the bedroom, and what to do about it. You'll learn: * Why communication in bed is actually a courage problem, not a confidence problem * The worst time (and best time) to bring up a new request * How to frame what you want so it sounds like a connection, not a complaint * What to do when your partner shuts down * Scripts and examples you can actually use Whether you've been together forever or you're still in the honeymoon phase, this episode will help you stop hinting and start asking. Pleasure Practice: Build some courage. Pull the courage you already use outside the bedroom, and bring it in. How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz [http://www.wildsecrets.co.nz/] & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com [https://hthspodcast.substack.com/] INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast] FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast [https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast] YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast] EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com [howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com] Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex [https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex] How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz [https://www.podlab.co.nz/] HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

How to Self-Pleasure (and Why it Will Change Your Partnered Sex Life)

Did you know your solo sex life is literally the foundation of your partnered sex life? In this episode, Jay-Jay finally figures out why this topic makes her want to crawl under the duvet and never come out, and it's more relatable than you'd think. Certified somatic sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes breaks down everything women were never taught about self-pleasure: where the shame actually comes from, why we were never given this education, and how exploring your own body is one of the most powerful things you can do for your sex life, with or without a partner. We cover: * Why female self-pleasure has been stigmatised for centuries (and male pleasure hasn't) * How self-pleasure builds body literacy and improves partnered sex * Why rushing is the biggest mistake most people make * How to diversify your pleasure and avoid being wired to only one pathway * Whether you can get "addicted" to your vibrator (yes, really) * Masturbating in front of your partner - hot or not? * How to handle mismatched libidos without guilt or obligation sex * Jay-Jay has an unexpected breakthrough on camera that stopped us both Plus Mel's pleasure practice for the week, and Jay-Jay's very honest response to it. Next episode: How to Get Your Needs Met in Bed (Without Turning It Into a Performance Review). How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz [http://www.wildsecrets.co.nz/] & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com [https://hthspodcast.substack.com/] INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast] FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast [https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast] YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast [https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast] EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com [howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com] Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex [https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex] How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz [https://www.podlab.co.nz/] HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.