Los Cazados

BROKEN HALLELUJAH by Vanessa Sadler “I had no idea they would be so excited about Christmas decorations,” my husband whispered. I watched as our six year old pranced through the living room draped in red and silver garland, weaving a trail in and around the boxes in the living room floor. A faux cotton snowball whizzed past my head, the boys engaged in a serious battle. I aimlessly arranged a winter scene on the dining table. > Truth be told, I shared my husband’s amazement. On the other hand, who could blame them for their revelry? It’s been nearly an entire year since life as we all knew it changed drastically. Our constant companions have been one another, our view of the furniture and our neighborhood has shifted only slightly, thanks in large part to the reds and oranges of autumn, a certifiable miracle in the southeast. However, in the last week or two I sensed the change in seasons. Grayer days, colder mornings. Temperatures will soon drive us indoors for the winter months, and I dread the choruses of “I’m bored” that will soon follow. It grates louder, weighs heavier, because we have been cooped up without our rhythmic ways of engaging community. Yet here were three joy-filled children, finding laughter and play in the midst of a rainy afternoon. I breathed deep. “...and a little child shall lead them.”(Isaiah 11:6) Anyone who’s known me for any length of time understands what a nerd I am when it comes to biblical etymology. So it should come as no surprise that when I was asked to write on the topic ofBroken Hallelujahone of the first things I did was remind myself of the meaning of the wordhallelujahin the Old Testament. > Hallelujah is actually a two-word Hebrew phrase.Hallelmeaning “to boast or rave; a joyous praise in song.” An aside: the very first timehallelappears in scripture is when a group of Egyptian princes are admiring Abram’s wife, Sarai. “And when the princes of Pharaoh saw her, theypraisedher to Pharaoh.”(Genesis 12:15) Interesting that the first time this word is used it is in reference to a woman, but I digress. The second word,Yah,is a shortened form of YHWH, the Hebrew name for the Creator. Here’s where it gets interesting... this word for God is known as the Tetragrammaton. In the Jewish faith, YHWH is “the ineffable name” and is forbidden to be uttered except by the High Priest, and only in the Temple. Since the Temple in Jerusalem no longer exists, this name is never spoken in Jewish rituals. I find it fascinating that the wordhallelujahjuxtaposes one of the highest forms of praise, next to the One who’s name shall not be mentioned. What a bind. Enter Jesus. The literal Word made flesh and bone, from a crying infant to crying out on the cross. This is where I began to play with what hinders my praise (racism, a groaning creation, apathy), to dance with Jesus through words in the midst of fatigue, and to remember where I place my regenerative hope. Lips part to praise My voice caught deep Unable to sing My God is worthy of every word And every utterance that rings But my breath ca — catches as I grasp at a melody That br — breaks through the noise of Shouts raised Fires that rage Eyes ablaze Yet you’re ... unfazed. Head down, hands up Hands up, don’t shoot! Even heaven prayed for another route Jesse’s branch, a tender shoot, reaching up — up to bear us all the fruit. An Infant’s cry crashing through the night night from day to dawn’s first Light. And there was evening and morning the first day. Who am I to say That a God who bends down low Who drinks deep, deep ofmysorrow Never hoped for a better tomorrow? Light of the world enfleshed encased, debased His face marred by you and you and me. Life spoken into darkness takes His place in the symphony of re — re-creation. And I join with Yah — Yah — Yahweh. Vanessa Sadler 11/27/20 Broken Hallelujah

Her story screams of injustice The story begins with a stab to her mama’s heart She was young, she gave birth and then she had to part She was a baby - an orphan - a desolate With no place to call home she was all alone The injustice continued to flow As this little girl was about to walk into a deeper low Her new home in the midwest Was extremely broken and far from the best This little girl grew up in a basement with no one to mirror She lived most of her days wondering what's next and in fear Inside and outside her home - nothing seemed right She had no choice but to grow up fierce and learn how to fight She tried to use her voice, but was silenced by threat and fear It was her own beautiful tunes that kept her from tears The injustice grew louder as she got older She was confused by this and wanted someone to hold her Was this how the world worked? Was this the only way things could be? How did she end up with this story? At age 18 she was abandoned again She was now wounded by too many women and men The injustices continued to be hammered into her story They left open wounds, tender sores and buckets of tears She wondered if life was going to continue like this for the rest of her years As she sought to uncover the beauty in her ethnicity She saw the enemy seek to steal, kill and destroy everything The injustice around her brown skin and black hair Was truly too much for this soul to bear Why wasn’t there room at the table for me? I looked different but they didn’t hold space for “we” The story doesn’t stop there There was still so much to bear It was a short time ago when the injustice pounded again She laid alone in silence with tears flooding her bed He took advantage of her and left a piece of her dead She screamed on the inside and was overwhelmed in her head How could someone get away with this I am just tired of shaking my fist The injustices are more than this story shares Her body is healing from the load she has beared Her soul aches and the sting comes and goes She demands justice from her head to her toes The multiple attacks and war around her heart Is proof that there is something powerful that sets her apart The violations she absorbed since day one overseas Brings her to beg the Lord for hope, justice and peace

Grief Diaries of Marriage during Quarantine “He saw a girl, Smiled at her. She looked at the muchacho. Dance my way, young man. You girl, you woman, play with me…” They began in middle earth, Love without nesting anywhere, Looking at gapes, the holes filled in Faith talk, garden work, toil in the dirt. Belonging. I started yelling without thought Just the feeling of anger bubbling up And then I had sudden rush of guilt. You are here all the time What are you getting done? I am doing nothing exploding onto you and The debris is scattered in our home. I say our home, we are together, but lately The walls feel like they enclose the splinters of unexplainable And unknowable Smiles without teeth, Ways we have been together Or paths of distance Crossed between your dirt and mine mostly apart. Because you have been And I have been Gone. Gone. Gone. Sunsets and Sunrises, They came too fast, Before hope could catch me Or you Or the four beauties The work of life is to find what’s missing, Address that space, Find herself Find myself Find himself But, we really haven’t done What we needed to And there are plenty of reasons for dismantled Practical affairs of love A strategic particular love of days worn into us Both of us Deep chasms A romantic love affair we were famous for Played out in Mexican expectations Heated Hot Fired Embers under skin Minds Hearts Soul ties of And underneath flashy painting, ripped by family S0-called friends, Bible-pounding watchers All those who look at me, not at you Say come over but don’t show Is a frayed, tattered beaten starved for love I’ve found myself apologizing more, And you were accepting more The more you accept more I’m sorry for erecting cement the large brick barrier I want to put up a gate to shut you out, A throbbing hurt you carry Shuts me down in lack My arms won’t hold you, We don’t fit suddenly Or make sense I can’t make it better I stay away However, you coax me back into the unknown My skin My smile our raw, bare skin, Naked bodies. Unclothed before the mirror of you Reflecting brown White Olive Stripes Breasts of burden Thighs working hard Back bent forward Arms ripped by worn-out-do-it-all muscles Forming broken beauty It’s Sensual Sexy Make love to me Doesn’t have to be great Its rushed when it seems like It should be slow And slow when I need something more You move toward me Connecting me to mirrors of grace I tell you it’s true. We are that flaming romance we dream of We dream of We dream of We dream of All bruised, wrought with flaws There’s the issue of love, life, the after-affair A heartbeat longing The touch His touch My touch The way they comingle Spare me from your eyes Pounding headache Tears and anger Joy and hate Pleasure and pain Am I with you? Are you with me? Who ARE we together? Latino? German? White? Brown? Mixed up, too? An encounter in the locked-in-locked-out spaces You’ve kept your words And I’ve stored them for me Listen to your breath all night long Grieving weights of words Beast of burden, For someone who doesn’t love you Uses you Wants you for one thing, but I’m the one locked away locked away, Escapes of whispers meant for me My back Just bent and barred from feeling more I lie still Match your breath to mine What’s more is that I want you I want you to want me, I want us to want each other Then I hate the way you yell Or way I’m sarcastic sniping and cutting Jagged edges of our relationship Shitty words between us, Unperfected fighting swords, Ripping into both of us “Point those swords out!” Angels! Come to us! Dear, God. We need you! Pleaded that today Prayers from me Your prayers for me Mine are gasps for help Gulps of air inhaled for your peace, Relief from pressure The gringos standing on your neck, “Get off!” I scream. “Dear God. We need you!” then, he says to me, “Dear ones made of Earth. Souls close to mine.” I don’t hope that much, I tell the Lord. I don’t want that much, I tell my God. Then, I remind God, I want all of this for me, for him, my children. So much more than cars Homes Electronics, I want you to stand by my side Stay with me Hold me in your arms Rock me Back and forth Stay Please stay Quedate conmigo Here we are You Me us. Exhale out, one-two-three-four-five Breath in, one-two-three-four-five Stay, You and me Made of earth Dirt Two of us Brown and rich Soil Call to me, “Come back to me. Come back to me.” And, I’ll reply, “I’ll stay, baby. I’ll stay.”

NO WORDS BY REBEKAH VICKERY by Rebekah Vickery (trauma practitioner, writer, friend) I LOVE WORDS I HAVE NONE TELL ME, HOW DO YOU CREATE WITHOUT A BRUSH? I LIVE, DO I? I’M REAL, AM I? I’M LIVING IN A MIDDLE SPACE THERE ARE WORDS, DRINKS, BUSINESS, AND LAUGHS BUT ALSO I’M ALONE DO MIRROR NEURONS WORK WHEN MY SCREEN IS ALREADY FLIPPING THE SIDES OF OUR FACES? I LOOK LEFT, BUT YOU SEE ME LOOK RIGHT I HEAR WORDS BUT YOUR MOUTH HAS ALREADY BEEN MOVING I THINK I SEE A TEAR BUT MAYBE, IT’S JUST DUST DUST ON THE SCREEN I BREATHE IN, 1 2 3 4 SO SAD, HOW THIS ACT IS NOW TINGED WITH A BIT OF FEAR BREATHE OUT, 1 2 3 4 I HAVE NO WORDS BUT OLD SONGS SLIP THROUGH THE EDGES OF MY MEMORY AND MY FINGERS REMEMBER THEM ON THE PIANO KEYS THIS IS THE AIR I BREATHE THIS IS THE AIR BREATHE YOUR HOLY PRESENCE LIVING IN ME WHERE IS YOUR PRESENCE IN THE TIME OF DIGITAL SPACE? I HAVE NO WORDS BUT SOMETIMES, OLD VERSES SLIP THROUGH THE EDGES OF MY MEMORY AND I CRY WE SEE THROUGH A GLASS DIMLY HOW DOES ZOOM FEEL SO MUCH LIKE AN ENCOUNTER WITH YOU? THIS MIDDLE SPACE. HERE AND NOT. I HAVE NO WORDS, BUT SOMETIMES I DO Posted:https://www.daniellescastillejo.com/blog/no-words [https://www.daniellescastillejo.com/blog/no-words]

“Como la flor,” She sings “Yo se perder” She says, “Ay como me duele” The rhythm beats to my heart, Something rings true My heart is yours And they hurt, duele Like a love song They beat out and back in I’ve lost love, My heart is gone. And you, too I feel you slipping. She says, “no se si pueda volver amar.” I can’t return to love. I feel lost, I know about losing, loss, pain. Lucky charms Petals falling What I have left. Just mates in rough seas Separated, Captain Castillejo Captain Mexicano Captain Mexicana We are going down She sings, “Yo se perder” I know perder. It’s a mark I wear Fits on me, fits my culture, Fits my family. Just going down Up and down Back and forth, The drum Roughly bangs Will I come up for air? Respire, mujer Hombre Niño Niña Hija hijo Did someone else come in? Who enters our sacred space? Uninvited They didn’t know you Or me Veras nuestro gran amor So much amor, Quiero Te quiero Nos queremos Deserts of endless years A month or more of abiding inside Witness the time, Como vuela, A decade inside of a cage, My abuela is gone now, too. She waved at me outside of a large white van I hugged her neck, She grinned and squeezed my hand, I said, “I’ll see you later, abuela.” Pero hasta luego No es verdad Not now Not then Gone. “Ay, como me duele.” She sings. Birds whispering her name to me I love her name Angelica Like I love yours Luis Alberto Daniela Suzanne These days I am home too much And too long She won’t be back Will I be back? Will you come back? Volvere Volvere Volveras? Perdi. Tanto amor. Abuela took that too, part of my heart, I gave my love, And then this. I wish you the best You didn’t know her You didn’t know her depth Of spirit Of joy Of untouchable goodness But its gone Perdiste como todos Vovlveras? Te amo, mi amor Perdi amor, Como siempre Yo se perder. I see her children’s smiles, Hearty laughs. School work, Baking. What’s left are scribbles of her life Written on my heart. Love letters stuffed in old pockets I gave you letters With more than words Llorar y llorar “llevas mi Corazon.” She sings. But, this isn’t just Abuela. Or her heart She took my heart, like so many. Gone. My heart didn’t stop giving love, then. It hurt asked to give more. Te pido mas y mas Pero donde estas? Corazon y body y spirit Quarantining in their homes Griefs alone can wander uncontained The others waved goodbye No te puedo decir adios Porque te quiero Some life I waved goodbye. He waves at me during the day. Swimming in seas of cleansing It’s a new love He’s outside working, At home, now. Well, what we say is home. It’s not so new anymore, Pero, I love to think some hope is coming Do you see me? Me puedes ver como antes? Como despues del dolor? Todavia queda nuestro amor? Yo se que si. But, really, its substitute for unnamed Dolor Of a different species No chili powder No tortillas No frijoles Quarantined The sun rises, The sun sets The moon rises The moon sets I rise I set Despierto contigo, Separados Y juntos She sings, “Ay como me duele. Hay, como me duele.” Walking up, Walking down Marimba tells me sadness carries joy I don’t want it to be that way “Tanto amor” The way of sadness and joy I want hugs on a neck Money in the account Bolsas de esperanza A blooming flower. Like she gave me, Like we were married under You gave me that kiss I gave you back a kiss Besos y besos Amor Viejo ya Nuevo, Porfavor, It is real Living And four beautiful creations But, she sings, “Ay como me duele.” Rose buds in lonely gardens Solo tu Solo tu Yo se perder Sabemos perder Sabemos amar There is no new love, But it feels cheating pretend Who stole from us? Who stole love? Ladrones, white and everywhere, I gave you everything, But maybe something is left Robaron nuestros pensamientos Cuerpos Familias porque solo trabajo Y ahora no puedo The energy to compete A world of hate, Gone The hate inside, duele Y se que pierdo No te vallas, amor, No te vallas, Te pido. Porque, Y lo que queda duele Grief, El dolor La afliccion La pesadumbre El pesar It’s so heavy, We don’t translate for you The pains of these hands, Bodies, Songs, The cries Because She sings, “Ay como me duele.” Without any doubt I wish you the best, Her song translates. I do. I want the best. For you Para mi. Felicidad. “Como la flor, Con tanto amor Me diste tu.” She sings.