The Relationships Podcast

3: Emotional Self-Responsibility and Play With(out) Clothes with Jordan and Nicholas

Join Matthew as he speaks with Jordan and Nicholas about processing challenges by playing scenarios with other couples, the challenges of receiving feedback, emotional self-responsibility, playing with shame and power through BDSM in the bedroom, where relational safety comes from, play and improvisation, making space for uncomfortable truths, and all around fun and relational sweetness. A portion of Madelyn Ilana’s song “Coming Into the Light” plays out this episode. Please support her work by purchasing her music at ⁠https://madelynilana.bandcamp.com/⁠ [https://madelynilana.bandcamp.com/]. You can find out more about her at ⁠www.madelynilana.com⁠ [http://www.madelynilana.com]. 0:00 Podcast Introduction 3:51 Welcome and check-in 7:21 Relationship origins 10:58 Relationship deepening and shared vision/values 15:35 Being together with couples and working through real, raw issues as a form of play-couples-group therapy 17:26 Group game on the topic of feedback, shame spirals and how to work with them 21:08 Nick talks about the difficulty of receiving feedback and not knowing how to do it all 24:07 Jordan’s response; how things can escalate with “too many requests” 28:21 What happens in moments of activation/triggering 29:30 Practicing expressing anger - “you’re burning the fucking nuts!” 33:25 Patterns of behavior and response to tension, in their relationship and others 36:36 Mutual emotional self-responsibility! Not blaming each other for emotions 38:11 Nick’s meditative journaling 42:56 How Nick and Jordan learned emotional self responsibility and detachment from story; Non-Violent Communication and the REAL Center with Steve Torma 49:06 Nick’s journey with recovery, stories, and acceptance 54:06 Learning about what works in their dynamic, Nick holding space or asking questions, learning by trying things out 58:16 Shame and power in BDSM context, exaggerating through play, catharsis and healing, playing with power 1:04:00 How to get to this type of play, celebrating emotions, Nick’s introduction to kink 1:07:11 “Guess my fart” game 1:07:53 Jordan on where safety comes from, both inside and outside, improv 1:09:43 Tips for relationship: allowing the other person to be who they are, play and improvisation, uncomfortable truths and making space for those truths to be revealed 1:16:12 Outro - Madelyn Ilana “Coming Into the Light”

2: Open Relating, Transparency, and Being with Loss to Find Freedom with Carmen and Rob

Join Matthew as he speaks candidly (and humorously!) with Carmen and Rob about relationship anarchy, navigating multiple partnerships, open and closed periods of their 10+ yr relationship, the possibility of reprogramming one’s mind and body, attunement, transparency, listener tips for open relationships, and all around fun and relational sweetness. A portion of my friend Madelyn Ilana’s song “Coming Into the Light” plays out this episode. Please support her work by purchasing her music at https://madelynilana.bandcamp.com/ [https://madelynilana.bandcamp.com/]. You can find out more about her at www.madelynilana.com [http://www.madelynilana.com]. Thank you Madelyn! 0:00 Introduction 5:27 Feelings check in 7:45 How Carmen and Rob met in Shanghai through a friend 15:57 The start of friendship 17:46 Early impressions (and judgments) of each other 21:37 Carmen and Rob’s beginnings with and philosophy of Relationship Anarchy 24:09 Carmen and Rob reflect on the beginnings of love and comfortability around each other 30:42 Becoming a couple 33:27 More on Relationship Anarchy - the philosophy of it and coming to embody it 36:05 How Rob is working through the emotions of Carmen having sustained intimacy with others 38:37 Carmen’s monogamous relationship history - programming of having “eyes only for one” and her journey with feeling like something was fundamentally wrong with her 41:57 Carmen meeting Rob and learning the term non-monogamy, and being met in that 43:02 The painful (and beautiful) beginnings of practicing non-monogamy and putting it on hold twice 49:07 Recent real examples of dating others and how each one works with the emotions that come up 53:11 Carmen’s other current relationship, the difficult relationships preceding this solid connection 55:37 Old patterns resurfacing, working through them 58:07 “Talk with me like I’m your best friend” - approaching full transparency with each other 60:12 Attunement and transparency 1:03:05 Listener tips for having an open relationship - establishing a solid foundation to allow for more freedom 1:08:17 Open relationships as a path for growth and supporting each partner’s freedom, being willing to give your partner away 1:12:17 Being with the possibility of loss of your partner as a way to deepen relationship 1:17:07 Listener tips - self-cultivation practice and anchor, finding non-judgmental supports 1:21:49 Outro - Madelyn Ilana “Coming Into the Light”

1: Love is Fully Expressive Parts Work&Play with Mikyla and Christopher

Join Matthew as he speaks with Mikyla and Christopher about intimacy, romantic/sexual monogamy with emotional openness, holding space, different ways of expressing and processing, the gift of revealing ourselves fully, tools such as improvising and developing characters to express our many parts, and other types of relational sweetness. Stay tuned 'til the end for a song by Christopher and Mikyla! 0:00 - The unofficial official beginning of the podcast and podcast episode 1:57 - Introduction 4:37 Feelings check in 8:42 Mikyla and Christopher’s sweet, synchronous beginnings 16:11 Their Connection over the grief of Christopher’s Auntie Julie’s illness and eventual death 19:57 Clarification: at the airport we were not both single! 21:51 Monogamy, agreements, exclusivity 26:59 Why romance and sex are exclusive in this relationship, how other forms of intimacy can be created in love 34:46 Falling in love, and climbing and rising to the true state of love, time apart and letter writing 39:03 The faultiness of memory and letting go of being right 40:46 The parts and aspects that fall in love, co-creating with another sovereign being 46:11 When fear or intense emotion or uncertainty comes up in relationship, how do you navigate? 49:16 Holding space and not trying to fix it for someone, tending to the self in these situations 57:14 Different ways of expressing and processing, effects on each other and growing through these experiences 1:04:33 The gift of revealing ourselves fully, even when it looks “crazy” 1:06:51 Improv - taking on characters to work through things and more fully express, with a disclaimer! 1:12:01 Containers and how to use them to vitalize relationship 1:17:01 Improv as a tool to be able to address parts of someone/ourselves without seeing the whole being as that part, with a disclaimer! Do not use as a way to bypass things that need to be addressed in relationship. 1:23:46 Quick plug for @mikandmoon on TikTok - relational tools and pre-conception fertility work 1:25:55 Christopher and Mikyla’s Song 1:28:08 End You can connect with Christopher and Mikyla on Instagram @flaxandsugar and on TikTok (by mid August 2015) @mikandmoon.