Walter Rhein Podcast

Walter Rhein Podcast

Why You Just Have to Accept That Your Narcissistic Parent Is Never Going to Love You Back

11 min · 17 de jun de 2026
Prueba gratis
Portada del episodio Why You Just Have to Accept That Your Narcissistic Parent Is Never Going to Love You Back

Descripción

If these options are too much, please DM me. I’d love to have you as a supporter! Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] My father was the first to invoke the word “hate” when it came to describing our relationship. My girlfriend and I were in the car with him. He said something awful. I responded. He went into a typical, petulant, narcissistic huff and grumbled, “Great, now you hate me too.” Even in the heat of the moment, I thought it odd that he’d pick that word. It has taken me thirty years to recognize his choice was a consequence of the feelings he harbored for me. With narcissists, every accusation is a confession. We know that already, but that phrase has relevance on levels we haven’t yet given ourselves permission to explore. Looking back, I recognize that his hate began about the time I turned thirteen. As I grew into my power, he grew into his hate. Perhaps if I’d stayed a soft little boy all my life, we could have maintained a state of perpetual indifference. He could have gone on with his forgetting of my birthdays, and even my name. I could have gone on pretending I didn’t need recognition or affection from anybody. It was a dynamic of survival and I just barely survived. One of the main skills you learn from growing up with a narcissist is self-actualization. It’s not taught to you. You figure it out as you thrash around in the storm looking for a lifeline. But the self-actualization you learn under those circumstances is tainted. It consists of an understanding that expectations lead to disappointment. If you stop yourself from hoping, you can never be disappointed. If you stop yourself from feeling, you can never be hurt. You survive, but you die anyway. Really all you teach yourself is to not trust anyone. I know my dad was bullied terribly as a child. I pity him as a child. As an adult, he has a responsibility to process and overcome his pain. The trauma of the parent should never be seen as the child’s responsibility to fix. His job was to love me. He abdicated that duty. It took me a long time to overcome the liabilities of my indoctrinated worldview. I carried traces of that stunted emotional development into my marriage. My wife taught me that I could trust her. We learned to celebrate each other. When you teach yourself not to have expectations, you are cut off from recognizing the expectations of others. It’s a self-imposed blind spot that becomes a self-inflicted wound. That attitude sabotages any chance of ever cultivating any sincere and enduring affection. Today, I pay attention to my wife’s expectations and I aspire to meet them. Sometimes I fail, but I try. We forgive each other. We do better. We don’t fester in eternal frustration. No expectations, no disappointment, is no way to live. My dad could tolerate me when I was small and weak, but he started to get nervous as I grew. He was careful to keep me broken down. He emphasized my weaknesses and never celebrated my achievements. He humiliated me in public every time it seemed I might be feeling good about myself. I accepted his behavior as that of a normal, loving parent. I didn’t realize until much later that his behavior was an example of hate. Even now, he wouldn’t admit that’s what he felt. If i confronted him he’d likely go into a rage. Either that, or he’d go into his typical, petulant, narcissistic huff. “You’re so ungrateful,” he’d say. “Everything was fine until you went insane.” The tragedy of my father’s life is that it’s unexamined. At no point did he ever reflect on his behaviors and recognize how he pushed away anyone who truly cared. Their affection made him uncomfortable because he’d trained himself to think it impossible. He taught himself to hate anyone who loved him, and he made us suffer for it. “It’s not me that’s cruel, it’s the world,” he’d claim. “Why am I to blame? Why do you hate me? I’m just beating you to make you tougher so you can survive? Don’t you see? Everything good in your life is because of me!” He drove friends and loved ones away and had the nerve to feel grievance rather than remorse. The question he should have asked is whether or not his cruelty was truly necessary? Could he not have fortified those around him by another means? Perhaps a means that offered less brutality? “We’ve always done it this way? Look at me! That’s the way my parents raised me and I turned out okay!” Alone and angry and aggrieved is not okay. I think in my case I broke the cycle through a combination of fear and resentment. I grew stronger than he is. I earned better grades. I had beautiful girlfriends. I was better looking, funnier, more popular. I exceeded him in every way and he hated me for it. I now have children of my own. They, too, are better than me in every way possible. Their mother is from Peru and we live in Northern Wisconsin. They possess a beauty that renders people awkward and stunned. My children are better athletes than me. They’re smarter. They engage in astonishing flights of creativity. In every way possible they’ve exceeded me. I do not resent them for it. In fact, nothing could bring me more joy. I celebrate their power every day. I do my best to cultivate it. I see them on a trajectory that will lead to heights I could have never imagined. I’ve never once felt any resentment for them over their good fortune. I’m only relieved that they didn’t have to endure the same torments the universe had in store for me. The difference between me and my father is that I don’t hate my children. I don’t even hate my father. But he hates me. He’s always hated me, even if he’s never been able to admit it to himself. As I became stronger, he did his best to break me down. Again, I didn’t realize I was in a life or death struggle with an enemy. I thought this was simply the way growing up had to be. I tried to abide by the unspoken rules of our relationship, even though they didn’t make sense to me. My father’s rules were contradictory. He became mad if I got good grades and mad if I didn’t. I tried and tried but he couldn’t be pleased. I see now that confusion was his strategy. He wanted to overwhelm me into complacency. Cultivating impostor syndrome, accusations of moral depravity, calling me a deadbeat, all of this was leveraged to make me voluntarily abdicate my autonomy. “Why even try when you’ll never be as good as me?” Self-doubt and self-destruction are the two primary weapons of an authoritarian. They know they lose their power when challenged. When they recognize a potential enemy is growing in strength, they commit to a strategy of sabotage. In my early twenties, I was a broken person. I dropped out of college because of crippling anxiety. I couldn’t speak to my fellow classmates. Whenever I opened my mouth, I had to prepare for humiliation. I’d learned that humiliation was how people communicated with each other. My conscious mind had convinced itself that’s how they shared affection. But my second mind, my intuitive mind, knew better. It took me thirty years to consciously recognize that my father hated me, but some part knew right away. I began to distance myself from him. The longer the absences went, the more I was able to heal. I started running marathons and doing cross-country ski races. I stacked successes. I became more powerful. I achieved things impervious to the malicious robbery of his spiteful comments. Crossing the finish line of a thirty mile ski race in subfreezing conditions, I felt at peace. The volume was turned down. His influence was on the wane. I began to recognize I didn’t need him. Abusive people try to make you dependent. They ruin your self-esteem by claiming you’re worthless. Then they try to present themselves as the only relationship that you will ever need. “You aren’t smart enough to support yourself. You need me. Get over it. You should be more grateful.” How many times have I heard him say, “You should be more grateful?” Grateful for what? Your hate? The hardest part of getting away is coming upon a new challenge. Life is hard under the best of circumstances. You face obstacle after obstacle. You can get away from an abuser, things can be going fine, and then something hits that will drive you back to them. Because they hate you, they’ll leverage the moment for all its worth. “Only I can fix this problem. You see? You see? You need me. You can never escape me. Stop pretending that you’re something you’re not.” They are out there counting on the trauma bond to bring you back. To sever that, you must find a new support community. You must ask for help from the people he’s made you think will never offer any. That’s the last challenge you have to overcome before you’re finally free. That’s the last bit of grooming you have to expel. Understand your narcissistic abuser hates you. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Any time they appear to be doing something kind, it’s only so that they can abuse you further. My father was the first person to invoke the word “hate” to describe our relationship. He accused me of having the feelings he harbored. It confused me when he used that word. I hadn’t realized then that he’d accidentally told the truth about himself. I had a long way to go to free myself of his influence. The tragedy in all this is that, at any point, he could have simply put his hate away. He could have made the choice to celebrate my victories rather than view them as a mirror for his shame. He could have resolved to become an ally rather than an adversary. He pressured me to choose between loving myself and loving him. He framed self-love as selfish. My wife taught me different. For decades, I tried to make myself see the world from his perspective, but in the end I chose myself, I chose my wife, I chose my kids. My narcissistic father hates me, but I still love him. It’s such a shame to consider all he was given that went to waste. Even now he refuses to recognize the truth, but his, not mine, was the life that became a sacrifice to hate. Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Comentarios

0

Sé la primera persona en comentar

¡Regístrate ahora y únete a la comunidad de Walter Rhein Podcast!

Prueba gratis

Empieza 7 días de prueba

$99 / mes después de la prueba. · Cancela cuando quieras.

  • Podcasts solo en Podimo
  • 20 horas de audiolibros al mes
  • Podcast gratuitos
Prueba gratis

Todos los episodios

1000 episodios

episode Why Do Writers Refuse to Recognize the Corruption of the Publishing Industry? artwork

Why Do Writers Refuse to Recognize the Corruption of the Publishing Industry?

I’ll never get a big 3 publishing contract because our literary community is just a propaganda empire owned by oligarchs. But YOU allow me to keep writing! THANK YOU! Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] There are none so blind as those that will not see and writers are among the very worst. When scholars look back on this era, I expect they will lament the complete lack of support for any sort of creative movement. I’ve been a writer all my life. It’s not a choice, it’s a calling. When I started off, I honestly believed that if I wrote something good and meaningful, it would find an audience. Today, I’m fifty years old. I’ve written articles that have been shared hundreds of thousands of times. I’ve developed huge followings on a number of platforms. There is an audience out there that hungers for a different narrative. But I never anticipated how much censorship and oppression I would encounter. This is supposed to be the “land of the free” and the “home of the brave.” It is neither. Instead, we live in a propaganda society that deliberately censors vitally important narratives. Our literary mechanism is run by powerful people who have no need of releasing quality products. They are of the class that prints their own money, and they’re part of an establishment that suppresses rather than elevates important voices. “Maybe your work is just terrible?” It’s astonishing to me how many writers are willing to believe the false narratives of our time. They fall for them hook, line, and sinker. It’s comical how many people who consider themselves “critical thinkers” are willing to repeat corporate narratives that passively justify oppression. Look around people! All you have to do is examine news stations, and movies, and public education and you see that white narratives are overrepresented at the expense of everyone else. When you are scanning the radio as you drive down the highway, you’ll hear thirty selections from today’s most overplayed pop stars, and not a single protest song. They are programming your mind into a passive state of obedience. Yet, when I talk about this, even with educated people, they tend to think that I’m the one at fault. They blame my work for not being good enough, rather than even entertain the possibility that there might be flaws in our system. These haughty comments come from people who themselves have not earned a major contract. How is it they can’t see that any insult they apply to me must also cast shade on them? Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] “Where’s your contract then?” I’ve been working in this industry long enough to know the difference between bot swarms and the ill-conceived comments of otherwise intelligent people. It doesn’t escape my notice when somebody reads my title and then scrolls to the comments without even attempting to absorb the argument. I can detect that in three words. Dishonest interactions give themselves away. Most of the time they reference arguments I’ve already dismantled in my text. I don’t care how accomplished you think you are, don’t leave a comment without doing me the courtesy of reading first. That’s disrespectful. But for the life of me I can’t comprehend how the academic community can be so intentionally obtuse. It’s as if they think their compliance with the false standard of major publishing virtually guarantees them a contract. We have accomplished scholars in positions of power who are willing to self-censor themselves throughout their entire lives because they don’t want to risk their chances of landing a six figure deal. How can people be so smart and miss something that’s so obvious? You aren’t a “temporarily inconvenienced billionaire.” You’re the same working class schmuck as the rest of us. Deal with reality for a change. Don’t patronize industries that don’t care about you It’s called a rat race for a reason. All we do is chase, chase, chase. Early on we do this because we’ve been deceived by false counselors who manipulate us for their own gain. I’m talking about abusive parents, abusive employers, and an abusive society. They always dangle the promise of reward. All you have to do is give a little more and work a little harder and wait a little longer, and all the riches will come. That’s what they say. But in reality, all you do is work hard all your life, give everything, and receive nothing in return. So many writers are so laser focused on a big three contract that they squander their own talent and time. These are individuals who point to other groups in our society and claim they’re “in a cult.” But they steadfastly refuse to recognize the ways they too have been trained to disregard the evidence of their own senses. It happens to writers all the time. In fact, I believe the proliferation of this unfortunate state of self-delusion is largely responsible for the rapid deterioration of our society. Intelligent people have learned not to say anything “too divisive” or “too ambitious” because they’ve been trained to think that will cut off their chances of some later reward. They’re afraid. Nobody who writes with fear instead of courage will ever write anything of significance. This is your time, don’t waste it I’ve been writing for fifty years not because it’s lucrative, but because I’m stubborn. I firmly believe that I know as much or more about writing than any editor or agent. A statement like that will have all the academics hoping for a big contract to gasp and clutch their pearls. It’s bizarre that otherwise intelligent people still believe that wealth equates to competence. We’ve had ample evidence to prove that’s not the case. Look around. The only thing the big publishers have is access to a distribution mechanism and virtually limitless funds. Yet their books continue to fail. The only absurdity is that capable people still delude themselves into thinking this system is legitimate. It’s time for our brilliant community of academics to recognize we are the victims of a oligarch owned propaganda mechanism. Any discerning look at what the big publishers offer will reveal an incomprehensible and unproductive knot of contradictions. Yet our best people blind themselves to this reality out of a sense of false and undeserved loyalty. We will never be free until we have a free press. That means we have to demand that works of merit are allowed to gather their rightful audiences rather than be censored and buried. The publishing industry chokes us with the language of ignorance and hate. Give yourself permission to recognize corruption. The path of truth is longer, but it’s the only one that offers any chance of success. Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Ayer6 min
episode Corruption Everywhere You Look and What We Can Do to Expose It artwork

Corruption Everywhere You Look and What We Can Do to Expose It

Hello! I really enjoyed this talk with Kait Justice [https://substack.com/profile/393882529-kait-justice]! Her experience is so similar to my own. When I first messaged her, we started chatting about our various writing projects. Writing teaches you how to manufacture narratives, and when you study enough narratives you begin to perceive the influence of hostile forces on our reality. Malicious entities are good at hiding themselves, but they leave clues behind. Kait and I shared a common memory of sitting in a classroom asking questions about all the things that contradicted only to have the teacher become angry—yup, that pretty much sums up the modern world! Kait has been working on some truly astonishing articles. Everything I’ve read of hers contains so much information that you have to read it two or three times to absorb it all. Believe me, when you do, you become empowered. I hope you enjoy this talk as much as I did. You can follow Kait here: Thank you Cat: Poli-Psych [https://substack.com/profile/94117599-cat-poli-psych], Mary Cumens [https://substack.com/profile/427188505-mary-cumens], LeftieProf [https://substack.com/profile/116079548-leftieprof], Gina Stefanowicz [https://substack.com/profile/655712-gina-stefanowicz], Rose [https://substack.com/profile/77809180-rose], and many others for tuning into my live video with Kait Justice [https://substack.com/profile/393882529-kait-justice]! Join me for my next live video in the app. You all make this newsletter happen! Thanks for your sponsorship! I have payment tiers starting at as little as twenty dollars a year [https://walterrhein.substack.com/bf8564a4]. Upgrade at 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] Upgrade at 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] Upgrade at 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] Upgrade at 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I’m so happy you’re here, and I’m looking forward to sharing more thoughts with you tomorrow. My CoSchedule referral link Here’s my referral link [http://coschedule.com/i/walter-rhein] to my preferred headline analyzer tool. If you sign up through this [http://coschedule.com/i/walter-rhein], it’s another way to support this newsletter (thank you). I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

22 de jun de 20261 h 1 min
episode Strategies to Achieve a More Humanitarian Future artwork

Strategies to Achieve a More Humanitarian Future

Hello Everyone! It’s always my great pleasure to talk with Stephanie G Wilson, PhD [https://substack.com/profile/2800378-stephanie-g-wilson-phd], Robert Danna [https://substack.com/profile/198756983-robert-danna], and Laci Loew [https://substack.com/profile/164739658-laci-loew]. In this conversation, we tried to come up with a strategy for 2040 to match the corrupt industriousness of the right. However, even though that was our objective, I kept pulling the conversation back to the present (shame on me). Still, I feel that we covered a lot of ground and I felt hopeful after having this talk. I hope you will too! You can find out more about Bob’s plan on his page here: Thank you Beth Cruz [https://substack.com/profile/178744313-beth-cruz], Soso's World [https://substack.com/profile/309303179-sosos-world], Chris Resists [https://substack.com/profile/315050911-chris-resists], Bre Phillips [https://substack.com/profile/279700893-bre-phillips], Stuart Cohen [https://substack.com/profile/351205065-stuart-cohen], and many others for tuning into my live video with Stephanie G Wilson, PhD [https://substack.com/profile/2800378-stephanie-g-wilson-phd] and Robert Danna [https://substack.com/profile/198756983-robert-danna]! Join me for my next live video in the app. Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

22 de jun de 20261 h 3 min