It Takes a Village: The Power & Challenge of Building Community

It Takes a Village: The Power & Challenge of Building Community

Val and Em are flying solo (duo?) this week — no guest, just the two of them getting into one of their favorite obsessions: community. Why is it so hard to find your people as an adult? Why do we feel lonely even when our calendars are full? And what does the actual research say about what makes community work? They get into the loneliness epidemic (yes, it's as bad as you've heard), the concept of third spaces and why we're losing them, the underrated power of weak ties (heeey Diane from Pilates), and what Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering taught them about the difference between filling a room and actually hosting people. Plus—Val shares about resurrecting her guitar, her Buffy rewatch, and her tarot practice all at the same time, Em reflects on a trip back to the UK after 16 years and what it stirred up about cultural identity and belonging, and they answer a listener question from someone who keeps showing up and trying — but can't seem to break in anywhere. Stuff we mentioned: * The Art of Gathering [https://www.priyaparker.com/the-art-of-gathering] by Priya Parker [https://www.priyaparker.com/the-art-of-gathering] * Priya Parker on [https://pod.link/1564530722/episode/ZGM3M2UzYzItMmE1OS0xMWVkLWIxYTYtZDcyMWNjYmFkM2Yy]We Can Do Hard Things [https://pod.link/1564530722/episode/ZGM3M2UzYzItMmE1OS0xMWVkLWIxYTYtZDcyMWNjYmFkM2Yy] podcast [https://pod.link/1564530722/episode/ZGM3M2UzYzItMmE1OS0xMWVkLWIxYTYtZDcyMWNjYmFkM2Yy] * US Surgeon General's 2023 Advisory on Loneliness and Isolation [https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf] * Hackney Mosaic Project [https://www.hackneymosaicproject.org] (East London) * Community micro-hydro power in the Northern Philippines [https://www.csmonitor.com/World/Asia-Pacific/2026/0511/Philippines-Apayao-hydro-power-electricity-renewable] * Camp Gaia [http://gaiacenter.co/campgaia] (our online membership!) Chapters: * 00:00 - Introduction to But For Real Podcast * 05:12 - Exploring Community and Connection * 09:52 - The Importance of Community and Connection * 27:23 - The Importance of Structure in Community Building * 30:13 - The Birth of Camp Gaia: Building Community Online Connect with Us: * More about the pod / past episodes [https://gaiacenter.co/podcast] * Watch us on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@ButForRealPod] * Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bpcfrAOxJNXTx1cYHV5t8?si=7846bd1d33fb4155] * Send us a story [https://forms.gle/K1i2XH4NCWSdAPVL6] for The Lore segment * Send in a request for advice [https://forms.gle/yHiMjMQPyuxtwDun8] for our Step Into My Office segment * Connect with us on IG: @butforrealpod [https://instagram.com/butforrealpod] * The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter [https://instagram.com/thegaiacenter] * Val on IG: @existentiallyval [https://www.instagram.com/existentiallyval] * The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co [http://www.gaiacenter.co] DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com [https://findahelpline.com/]for international resources.

They Can't Kill Us if Our Art Survives - with Wednesdae, @queer.art_therapist

In this episode of But For Real, we delve into the transformative realm of expressive arts therapy with our distinguished guest, Wednesdae Reim Ifrach. Their expertise lies at the confluence of queer embodiment, complex trauma, and creative healing, offering a profound perspective on how art can serve as a conduit for emotional expression and personal growth. We explore the misconception that art therapy is merely "arts and crafts for sad people," illuminating its true potential to facilitate deep, somatic healing beyond verbal communication. The conversation traverses the intersections of identity, creativity, and resistance, emphasizing the vital role of authenticity in both personal and professional spheres. Join us as we unpack these intricate themes, and discover how embracing one's multifaceted identity can foster resilience and empowerment in the face of societal challenges. Takeaways: * This episode explores the intersection of expressive arts therapy, trauma, and queer identity, highlighting their profound connections. * We discuss how art therapy transcends mere creative expression, serving as a legitimate therapeutic modality for adults. * The conversation emphasizes the importance of authenticity and personal expression in combating systemic oppression and fostering resilience. * Listeners are encouraged to pursue their own creative endeavors as acts of resistance against societal norms and expectations. * Wednesday's experiences illustrate the transformative power of art in healing trauma and affirming one's identity in a complex world. * The episode concludes with a call to action for increased accessibility and understanding of mental health resources and creative therapies. LINKS + Referenced in the Episode: * Wednesdae's website [https://www.wednesdae.org/] * Follow Wednesdae @queer.art_therapist on IG [https://www.instagram.com/queer.art_therapist] * The Gaia Center [gaiacenter.co]: Therapy in Nashville + coaching worldwide * Follow us @butforealpod [https://www.instagram.com/butforrealpod] and @thegaiacenter [https://www.instagram.com/thegaiacenter/] on IG * MOMA [https://www.moma.org/] * Fire Road Foods [https://myfireroad.com/]

Unmasking Autism with Devon Price, PhD

What if the version of you most of the world knows… isn’t actually *you*? In this episode of But For Real, we’re sitting down with Devon Price, PhD—social psychologist, author of Unmasking Autism (+ several other books!), and badass autistic human—to get really REAL about something that is kinda the opposite of that: Masking. That pattern of adaptation that’s helped you survive… but can slowly erode at your sense of self. 🫠 In this conversation, we get into what it actually means to “mask” as an autistic or otherwise neurodivergent person (hell, even just as a people-pleaser living in a capitalist society): how it shows up, why so many of us do it without even realizing, and what happens when you finally start to take that mask off. If you’re one of MANY people who was diagnosed with autism later in life, you know it can feel like a huge relief… but it can *also* feel like grief, anger, and even a full-on “who TF am I actually?” era. We’re talking about what it’s like to spend decades performing “normal,” only to realize you’ve been white-knuckling your way through life—and what it takes to rebuild something that actually fits. And we keep coming back to this: You don’t just “stop masking.” You slowly, painfully, honestly… learn how to exist as yourself. So if you’ve ever thought… “Why am I so exhausted ALL THE TIME?” “Why do I feel like I’m performing in every interaction?” “Who am I without all of this?” …this one’s for you. 🫂 In this episode of But For Real, we unpack… * What “masking” actually is—and why it’s so common in autistic adults * Why late autism diagnoses often bring both relief AND grief * The hidden cost of people-pleasing and social “autopilot” * Why you can’t just flip a switch and stop masking overnight * How identity confusion shows up after unmasking begins * The role of burnout, exhaustion, and chronic overwhelm * Why safe relationships are essential for unmasking * The emotional phases: relief → grief → anger → rebuilding * How to reconnect with your authentic self (without blowing up your whole life) And here’s the timestamps— * 00:00 – Welcome back to But For Real * 01:00 – Meet Devon Price, PhD (and why this convo matters) * 03:30 – The “hive mind” metaphor + masking as social survival * 05:30 – Listener question: late autism diagnosis in adulthood * 07:00 – Relief vs grief after diagnosis * 08:30 – “I’ve been performing my whole life…” * 10:30 – Why masking isn’t something you can just turn off * 13:00 – Identity confusion: who am I without the mask? * 16:00 – The emotional aftermath: anger, grief, and loss * 19:00 – Autistic burnout + chronic exhaustion * 22:00 – Safe people, safe spaces, and practicing authenticity * 26:00 – Reconnecting with your younger self * 30:00 – What unmasking actually looks like in real life * 35:00 – Why this process takes YEARS (not weeks) * 40:00 – Final thoughts: you’re not behind—you’re becoming Connect with Dr. Devon * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drdevonprice/ [https://www.instagram.com/drdevonprice/] * Substack: https://drdevonprice.substack.com/ [https://drdevonprice.substack.com/] * Books: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/2294535/devon-price-phd/ [https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/2294535/devon-price-phd/] Connect with Us: * Submit a story [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf2OwwKwMpnDNKouH0Gb0fJ0o-lphc6pYbP4x95B2Co8P6Log/viewform] for The Lore segment * Submit a request for advice [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeFyNK3lEZAkmZsOhtmNU6exuEF7E1zD2J9j-NNq2CVqXZEgA/viewform] for our Step Into My office segment * Reach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com [butforrealpod@gmail.com] * But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod [https://instagram.com/butforrealpod] * Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bpcfrAOxJNXTx1cYHV5t8?si=7846bd1d33fb4155] * The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter [https://instagram.com/thegaiacenter] * Val on IG: @valkaymartin [https://instagram.com/valkaymartin] * The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co [http://www.gaiacenter.co] DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com [https://findahelpline.com/]for international resources.

The One About Polyamory with Em Mortenson

So… your partner brings up opening the relationship. 👀 And you’re trying to be thoughtful, open-minded, maybe even a little curious… but there’s also this voice in the background like: “Wait… do I actually want this?” 🫠 In this episode of But For Real, we’re sitting down with therapist Em Mortenson to get into the real conversation around polyamory and ethical non-monogamy—beyond the labels, beyond the hot takes, and into what this actually looks and feels like in real life. Because yeah, on paper? It can sound freeing. Honest. Even aligned. ✨ But in practice? It can bring up jealousy, fear, uncertainty—and a whole lot of questions about where your “yes” is actually coming from. We’re talking about what happens when a partner introduces this idea, how to navigate the in-between space of not knowing yet, and why this isn’t something you have to rush to figure out overnight. And we keep coming back to this: It’s one thing to understand something intellectually… and another to feel ready for it in your body. So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering: “Am I actually into this… or am I trying to be okay with it?” “Is jealousy a red flag—or just part of the process?” “How do I explore this without losing myself?” …yeah. This one’s for you. 💬 From there, we unpack: * How to tell if you’re genuinely interested in polyamory—or just trying to be “chill” * Why jealousy is a normal part of ethical non-monogamy (and what to do with it) * The difference between curiosity, pressure, and people-pleasing in relationships * What polyamory and open relationships actually look like in real life * Why boundaries are essential—and constantly evolving—in non-monogamy * Common mistakes couples make when opening a relationship * How fear of losing your partner can shape your decisions * Why this isn’t a one-time “yes or no” decision—but an ongoing conversation We talk about: * 00:00 – Welcome back to But For Real * 00:50 – Meet Em Mortenson (and the chaotic cat story 🐱) * 03:20 – Tiny pockets of joy when everything feels heavy * 05:50 – “My partner wants to open our relationship…” 👀 * 07:10 – Am I open-minded… or just scared to lose them? * 09:00 – Polyamory vs monogamy: what are we actually talking about? * 12:30 – Why people jump into this too fast ⚠️ * 15:30 – The biggest misconception about polyamory * 19:00 – Let’s talk about jealousy (because yeah… it’s coming) * 22:30 – Is jealousy a dealbreaker—or part of it? * 26:00 – What healthy polyamory can actually look like * 30:30 – Boundaries, communication, and real-life dynamics * 35:30 – When this goes wrong (and why it does) * 41:30 – Polyamory discourse, TikTok, and moral superiority 🙃 * 47:30 – So… how do you know if this is right for you? Connect with Us: * Submit a story [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf2OwwKwMpnDNKouH0Gb0fJ0o-lphc6pYbP4x95B2Co8P6Log/viewform] for The Lore segment * Submit a request for advice [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeFyNK3lEZAkmZsOhtmNU6exuEF7E1zD2J9j-NNq2CVqXZEgA/viewform] for our Step Into My office segment * Reach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com [butforrealpod@gmail.com] * But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod [https://instagram.com/butforrealpod] * Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bpcfrAOxJNXTx1cYHV5t8?si=7846bd1d33fb4155] * The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter [https://instagram.com/thegaiacenter] * Val on IG: @valkaymartin [https://instagram.com/valkaymartin] * The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co [http://www.gaiacenter.co] DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com [https://findahelpline.com/]for international resources.

Boundaries Aren’t B*tchy!

What if the thing you’ve been calling “being rude”… is actually just having a boundary? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Because somewhere along the way—especially for women, people-pleasers, and anyone raised to prioritize politeness over honesty—boundaries got branded as selfish, cold, or straight-up b*tchy. And honestly? That narrative is doing damage. In this episode of But For Real, we’re doing a full, unfiltered deep dive into boundaries—what they actually are, why they feel so uncomfortable, and how your relationship with them changes as you grow up (or burn out). We’re talking about the subtle ways we’ve been conditioned to shrink, overextend, and contort ourselves to keep the peace… and the moment you realize: “Wait… I actually can’t keep living like this.” We get into the real-life evolution of boundaries—from being overly accommodating and “nice” to realizing that clarity is not cruelty. And yes, we’re saying the quiet part out loud: Not everyone who sets a boundary is a b*tch… …but also? You might have to tolerate being perceived that way anyway. Cool cool cool. 🫠 Because boundaries aren’t just personal. They’re relational. Cultural. Political. Survival. So if you’ve ever wondered: * “Am I being too much?” * “Why does setting boundaries make me feel like I’m doing something wrong?” * “How do I stop people-pleasing without becoming an asshole?” …yeah. This one’s for you. Let’s roll the tape. From there, we unpack: * Why boundaries are often mistaken for being rude or “difficult” * How people-pleasing and politeness culture shape your ability to set limits * The difference between being a b*tch vs. having a boundary * Why your relationship with boundaries changes over time * How burnout and survival instincts force boundary growth * The hidden cost of over-accommodating yourself in relationships * Why clarity is actually kinder than silent resentment * How cultural expectations (especially for women) distort boundary-setting * What healthy boundaries actually sound like in real life * Why being misunderstood is sometimes part of doing it right We talk about: * 00:00 – Welcome to But For Real * 01:00 – Why we needed a boundaries deep dive * 02:00 – People-pleasing, politeness & cultural conditioning * 03:00 – “Am I rude… or do I just have boundaries?” * 04:00 – Why boundaries feel uncomfortable (especially for women) * 05:00 – Boundaries as survival, not just self-growth * 06:00 – Tea & Crumpets: Olympics, joy, and elite performance * 08:30 – What high performers teach us about boundaries * 10:00+ – The real conversation begins: boundaries, identity & growth Resources Mentioned: * Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Call or text 988 * Find international support: https://www.findahelpline.comhttps://www.findahelpline.com [https://www.findahelpline.com] * reasonstostay.co [http://reasonstostay.co] Connect with Us: * Submit a story [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf2OwwKwMpnDNKouH0Gb0fJ0o-lphc6pYbP4x95B2Co8P6Log/viewform] for The Lore segment * Submit a request for advice [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeFyNK3lEZAkmZsOhtmNU6exuEF7E1zD2J9j-NNq2CVqXZEgA/viewform] for our Step Into My office segment * Reach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com [butforrealpod@gmail.com] * But For Real on IG: @butforrealpod [https://instagram.com/butforrealpod] * Now That's What I Call... OKAAAAY Playlist [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bpcfrAOxJNXTx1cYHV5t8?si=7846bd1d33fb4155] * The Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenter [https://instagram.com/thegaiacenter] * Val on IG: @valkaymartin [https://instagram.com/valkaymartin] * The Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co [http://www.gaiacenter.co] DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com [https://findahelpline.com/]for international resources.