Psychologists Off the Clock

456. High Conflict with Amanda Ripley

Being absolutely sure you’re right should settle an argument, but somehow, it often does the opposite. Instead, things escalate, tensions rise, and before you know it, the conflict has taken on a life of its own.  For this episode, Yael welcomes New York Times bestselling author, trained mediator, and Good Conflict [https://www.thegoodconflict.com/] co-founder Amanda Ripley [https://www.amandaripley.com/] to unpack her book  High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped, and How We Get Out [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781982128579], and the difference between “good conflict” that strengthens us and “high conflict” that feeds on contempt, disgust, and rigid us-versus-them thinking.  You’ll hear why high conflict makes us more error-prone while feeling more righteous, how group belonging and media incentives can keep the cycle going, and practical ways to interrupt the pattern like Gary Freeman’s three-question pause before speaking.  Listen to learn how to stay in the fight without losing nuance, curiosity, or yourself. Listen and Learn: * The distinction between healthy conflict that helps you grow and the kind that quietly turns destructive in ways you may not notice  * Why conflicts can quietly take over our thinking, shifting us into an us-versus-them mindset  * Why do we get pulled into conflicts that drain us even when we know the cost, and what keeps us hooked? * How can even people deeply engaged with information find themselves pulling away from conflict, and what does that reveal about the hidden dynamics of high conflict * How you can recognize the early signs of high conflict and shift toward more productive, healthier conversations before things escalate Resources:  * High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped, and How We Get Out: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781982128579 [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781982128579]  * Amanda’s Website: https://www.amandaripley.com/ [https://www.amandaripley.com/] * Good Conflict Website: https://www.thegoodconflict.com [https://www.thegoodconflict.com] * Connect with Amanda on Social Media:  * https://www.facebook.com/amanda.ripley.35/ [https://www.facebook.com/amanda.ripley.35/] * https://www.instagram.com/ripleywriter/ [https://www.instagram.com/ripleywriter/] * Amada’s Substack: https://amandaripley.substack.com/ [https://amandaripley.substack.com/]  * Amanda’s article about high-conflict journalism, I stopped reading the news. Is the problem me–or the product? [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/07/08/how-to-fix-news-media/] * Yael’s Substack post about how journalists quickly build connection * Builders Movement: an Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/builders/] feed and website [https://buildersmovement.org/] that offers “inspiration, tools, and ways to take action to rise above us vs. them and solve our toughest problems together.” About Amanda Ripley:  Amanda Ripley [https://www.amandaripley.com/] is a New York Times bestselling author, magazine journalist, and co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company helping people reimagine how we fight. She has written three award-winning nonfiction books — The Unthinkable, The Smartest Kids in the World, and High Conflict — each following people through transformations to uncover what the rest of us can learn. Her most recent book, High Conflict, chronicles how good conflict metastasizes into something that consumes everything in its path — and, crucially, how people find their way out. A trained mediator herself, Amanda's work reveals that escape from high conflict isn't about being nicer; it's about learning to genuinely comprehend what you still disagree with. Her writing has appeared in the Atlantic, the Washington Post, and Politico Magazine, among others. Related Episodes: * 234. The Power of Us with Dominic Packer [https://offtheclockpsych.com/234-the-power-of-us/] * 371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith [https://offtheclockpsych.com/uniting-toward-a-better-future-with-diana-mclain-smith/] * 392. Outraged with Kurt Gray [https://offtheclockpsych.com/outraged-with-kurt-gray/] * 408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary Noesner [https://offtheclockpsych.com/connecting-like-a-hostage-negotiator-with-gary-noesner/] * 452. How to Disagree Better with Julia Minson [https://offtheclockpsych.com/how-to-disagree-better-with-julia-minson/] See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy [https://art19.com/privacy] and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info [https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info].

455. The New Blueprint for College Success with Ana Homayoun

If your teen is getting caught in cycles of comparison, burnout, or avoidance while trying to “do enough” for college, this conversation offers a different perspective. Emily talks with Ana Homayoun [https://anahomayoun.com/] about her book Erasing the Finish Line [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780306830693] and what really matters beyond grades, test scores, and prestige. They walk you through unhealthy patterns in college admissions culture, how technology amplifies anxiety, and why most institutions actually accept the majority of applicants. Their conversation also reveals how long-term success depends far more on relationships and meaningful engagement than on brand-name schools. Join Emily and Ana for practical strategies to help your teens build executive functioning systems, shift from time management to energy management, strengthen social capital through supporters and clarifiers, and rethink grind culture, including the role of youth sports. Listen and Learn:  * Focusing less on comparison and more on building your own strengths and systems for shaping both college outcomes and the kind of work you end up loving later * How parents’ own fears and need for control shape the college process can undermine a student’s fit and well-being, and what it takes to step back so they can truly thrive * How technology has reshaped college admissions in ways that make independent research, real-world exploration, and staying open-minded more important than ever for finding the right fit * Why the most “competitive” colleges may feel that way by design, and how choosing the right environment and relationships over prestige can shape your future more than you expect * Focusing on executive functioning skills to shape your teen’s long-term success in ways grades alone never reveal * Making small shifts in structure, mindset, and environment to unlock a child’s ability to plan, adapt, and thrive without pressure or perfection * How having friendships across different age groups quietly builds confidence, perspective, and real connection in ways most students do not expect * Sharing and building social capital in small, everyday ways to quietly shape opportunities for teens and create unexpected outcomes * Giving kids real choices, a safe space to fail, and multiple places to belong to builds the confidence, motivation, and life skills they carry into adulthood * How shifting from managing time to managing your energy transforms focus, behavior, and motivation Resources:  * Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admission https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780306830693 [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780306830693]  * That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780399535598 [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780399535598]  * Ana’s Website: https://anahomayoun.com/ [https://anahomayoun.com/]  * Connect with Ana on Social Media:  * https://instagram.com/anahomayoun [https://instagram.com/anahomayoun] * https://www.linkedin.com/in/ana-homayoun-4783863/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/ana-homayoun-4783863/])  About Ana Homayoun:  ANA HOMAYOUN is the founder of Silicon Valley–based Green Ivy Educational Consulting [http://www.greenivyed.com] and executive director of Luminaria Learning Solutions [http://www.luminarialearning.org], which develops student programs focused on executive functioning and well-being. She is also the author of That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week, The Myth of the Perfect Girl, and Social Media Wellness. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, Fast Company, and NPR and on Good Morning America and NBC News. Learn more about her work at www.anahomayoun.com [http://www.anahomayoun.com]. Her most recent book, Erasing the Finish Line, comes out in paperback on June 9th with the updated title, Getting in Is Not Enough: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades, Test Scores, and College Admission.  Related Episodes: * 324. Toxic Achievement Culture with Jennifer Wallace [https://offtheclockpsych.com/toxic-achievement-culture-with-jennifer-wallace/] * 414. The Disengaged Teen with Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson [https://offtheclockpsych.com/the-disengaged-teen-with-rebecca-winthrop-and-jenny-anderson/] * 369. The Good News About Adolescence with Ellen Galinsky [https://offtheclockpsych.com/good-news-about-adolescence-with-ellen-galinsky/] * 332. Middle School Superpowers with Phyllis Fagell [https://offtheclockpsych.com/middle-school-superpowers-with-phyllis-fagell/] * 272. Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell [https://offtheclockpsych.com/middle-school-matters/] See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy [https://art19.com/privacy] and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info [https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info].

454. Remain Calm. Confidence Ahead with Michael Herold

If you’ve ever avoided saying yes to something meaningful because you were waiting to feel less anxious or more “ready,” this episode is for you. Cohosts Yael and Michael Herold [https://herold.coach/] sit down for a chat about his confidence-building online course and the misconceptions that keep people stuck, especially the idea that motivation and the “right mindset” must come first.  You’ll hear how acceptance and commitment therapy reframes anxiety as a passenger you can bring along while you drive toward your values, why rigid social scripts don’t work, and how low-stakes “comfort zone challenges” (like lying down in public) help you practice courage, defuse unhelpful thoughts, and tolerate discomfort without real-world consequences. Join Michael and Yael for lots of practical insight, humor, and a preview of tools that can help you step into the life you want. Listen and Learn:  * Why confidence isn’t built by fixing your mindset first, but by taking action on what matters * Why you can’t learn confidence from scripts or perfect phrases, and confidence only develops through practice, not preparation * How to step outside your comfort zone by practicing small, low-stakes challenges that reveal how thoughts and emotions create avoidance, and how to disarm them so you can act on what matters instead of defaulting to fear-based reactions * Why worrying about annoying others can hold you back from confidence, and learning confidence means acting respectfully on what matters, even when that fear is present * Comfort-zone challenges to expand confidence and even meaningfully change the direction of your life * Building confidence through practical, real-world exercises with Michael’s course Resources:  * Michael’s Course: herold.coach/course [https://herold.coach/course] * Lilly and the Wildflowers: * www.instagram.com/lilyandthewildflowers [http://www.instagram.com/lilyandthewildflowers] * www.lilyandthewildflowers.com [http://www.lilyandthewildflowers.com/] About Michael Herold Michael (he/him) is a confidence trainer and social skills coach [https://herold.coach/], based in Vienna, Austria.  He’s helping his clients overcome their social anxiety through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and fun exposure exercises. (Though the jury is still out on whether they’re mostly fun for him). He is also a certified therapeutic game master, utilizing the Dungeons&Dragons tabletop roleplaying game to train communication, assertiveness, and teamwork with young adults. Or actually, anyone ready to roll some dice and battle goblins in a supportive group where players want to level up (pun!) their social skills. Michael is the head coach of the L.A. based company The Art of Charm [https://theartofcharm.com/], running their confidence-building program “Unstoppable” as well as workshops on small talk, storytelling, vulnerability, and more. He is the scientific advisor and co-producer of their large podcast [https://theartofcharm.com/podcast/] with more than 250 million downloads. As a member of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS), Michael is the current President of the ACT Coaching Special Interest Group with nearly 1,000 coaches worldwide, and the co-founder of the ACT in Austria Affiliate of ACBS, a nationwide meetup for ACT practitioners in Austria. He’s a public speaker who has spoken at TEDx [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbx_rzZYH5Q&t=6s&pp=ygUhd2hhdCBpZiBpIGhhZCBhIHRpbWUgbWFjaGluZSB0ZWR4], in front of members of parliament, universities, and once in a cinema full of 500 kids high on sugary popcorn. In a previous life, he was a character animator working on award-winning movies and TV shows such as “The Penguins of Madagascar” and “Kung Fu Panda”. That was before he realized that helping people live a meaningful life is much more rewarding than working in the film business – even though the long nights in the studio allowed him to brew his own beer in the office closet, an activity he highly recommends. Michael grew up with five foster kids who were all taken out of abusive families. His foster sisters showed him how much positive change is possible in a person if they have the love and support they need. Related Episodes * 173. Confidence, Self-Doubt, and Overcoming Limitations with Michael Herold [https://offtheclockpsych.com/173-michael-herold/] * 313. ACT-Informed Exposure for Anxiety with Brian Pilecki and Brian Thompson [https://offtheclockpsych.com/act-informed-exposure-for-anxiety/] * 195. ACT Daily with Diana Hill and Debbie Sorensen [https://offtheclockpsych.com/195-act-daily-with-diana-hill-and-debbie-sorensen/] See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy [https://art19.com/privacy] and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info [https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info].

453. The Power of Guilt with Chris Moore

Guilt can feel uncomfortable and easy to push away, but it is one of those emotions that actually serves an important purpose in our lives. For this episode, Debbie sits down with developmental psychologist Chris Moore [https://www.chrislmoore.com], author of The Power of Guilt [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781637747728], to unpack what guilt really is and why it plays such an important role in our lives and relationships. Informed by both research and personal experience, Chris offers a perspective that might completely change how you see this emotion. You’ll come away with an understanding of where guilt comes from, how it shows up in everyday life, from childhood to parenting to relationships, and why some people feel it more than others.  They also get into topics like apology, forgiveness, and how guilt can actually help us repair and strengthen connections.  Listen and Learn:  * How a single life-altering mistake shaped how Chris understands guilt, responsibility, and forgiveness * How guilt quietly reveals the hidden ways our most important relationships shape what we feel and why we’re driven to repair something we might not fully understand yet * Does the guilt you feel over small things like unfinished chores reveal deeper, hidden influences from the relationships that shaped your internal rules and standards? * Why feelings like guilt begin much earlier than we assume and later grow into something far more complex and central to relationships * Why some people feel guilt far more intensely than others, and how personality, relationships, and even gender differences quietly shape that experience in ways you might not expect * Why feeling like you are never doing enough as a parent might actually come from the very nature of caring for someone vulnerable, and what that reveals about guilt being more automatic than accurate * How guilt can quietly become a tool of control when forgiveness is withheld * How ideas like restorative justice and even collective guilt reshape the way we understand responsibility and emotional repair in society * Why guilt, though uncomfortable, can actually serve as a powerful internal signal that helps us recognize when a valued relationship may need attention and guide us toward repairing and strengthening it Resources: * The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781637747728 [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781637747728] * Chris’ Website: https://www.chrislmoore.com [https://www.chrislmoore.com/] * Connect with Chris on Social Media: * https://www.facebook.com/mfwguilt [https://www.facebook.com/mfwguilt] * https://www.instagram.com/chrismooreauthorphd/ [https://www.instagram.com/chrismooreauthorphd/] About Chris Moore Dr. Chris Moore [https://www.chrislmoore.com/] is a professor of psychology and former dean of science at Dalhousie University in Canada, as well as a former Canada Research Chair at the University of Toronto. He holds a PhD in developmental psychology from the University of Cambridge and an MFA in creative nonfiction from the University of King’s College. He has spent his career studying human social understanding and relations, and has published well over 100 research papers, edited 5 books and special issues of academic journals, and authored The Development of Commonsense Psychology (Psychology Press, 2006). He has had numerous invitations to present at academic conferences and universities around the world and has enjoyed many research collaborations in Canada, the United States, Australia, Germany, China, and the UK. Moore’s work has been cited in mainstream print publications such as Psychology Today, Today’s Parent, and the New York Times. His research has also been featured in a variety of TV documentaries, including The Nature of Things and the Baby Human series on Discovery Health. His new book, The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781637747728], is his first for a general audience. He lives in Nova Scotia with his family. Related episodes:  * 430. Nonadaptive Guilt and Shame with Carolyn Allard [https://offtheclockpsych.com/nonadaptive-guilt-and-shame-with-carolyn-allard/]  * 118. Moral Injury and Shame with Lauren Borges and Jacob Farnsworth [https://offtheclockpsych.com/moral-injury/]  * 320. Anger and Forgiveness with Robyn Walser [https://offtheclockpsych.com/anger-and-forgiveness-with-robyn-walser/]  * 358. How to Keep House While Drowning with KC Davis [https://offtheclockpsych.com/how-to-keep-house-while-drowning-with-kc-davis/]  * 341. Self-Forgiveness with Grant Dewar [https://offtheclockpsych.com/self-forgiveness-with-grant-dewar/]  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy [https://art19.com/privacy] and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info [https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info].

452. How to Disagree Better with Julia Minson

If you’ve ever ended an argument with your partner, coworker, or family member feeling confused about how it escalated so quickly, this episode is for you.  Julia Minson [https://www.juliaminson.com/], founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab and author of How to Disagree Better [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003], explains to us why trying to “win” arguments often starts fights and offers a different metric for success: a disagreement that increases both people’s willingness to talk again.  Drawing on her work on naive realism and research on receptiveness, she discusses why differences feel threatening, how listening is hard to perceive in conflict, and how language can signal receptivity using the HEAR framework. Listen in to learn evidence-based tools to make hard conversations in your life more constructive. Listen and Learn:  * Julia’s upbringing in a family of psychologists, her immigrant experience, and her years as a ballroom dancer, and why people can share the same moment yet see it completely differently, making disagreement inevitable * Why a truly constructive disagreement isn’t about “winning” or changing minds, but about improving mutual willingness to continue the conversation and deepening understanding * Naive realism and the tendency to assume our perceptions are objectively correct, which underlies everyday conflicts, because everyone thinks “I get it” and struggles to see others’ perspectives * How true receptiveness works, not just thinking receptively, but expressing it clearly through language so others genuinely feel heard, especially in conflict or disagreement * How to use the HEAR framework to communicate receptively and build stronger relationships * Julia’s Hawk story and how approaching disagreements with curiosity rather than judgment can turn tense or potentially divisive moments into understanding, connection, and even common ground Resources:  * How to Disagree Better: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003 [https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003] * Julia’s Websites: https://disagreeingbetter.com/ [https://disagreeingbetter.com/] and https://www.juliaminson.com/ [https://www.juliaminson.com/]  * Connect with Julia on Social Media:  * https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-minson-5b511b150/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-minson-5b511b150/] * https://twitter.com/juliaminson [https://twitter.com/juliaminson]  * Take The Measure of Receptivity:https://receptiveness.net/survey.html [https://receptiveness.net/survey.html]  About Julia Minson:  Julia Minson [https://disagreeingbetter.com/] is a professor of public policy at Harvard Kennedy School and founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab, where she studies what she calls the "psychology of disagreement" — how we actually engage with views that conflict with our own, especially on the hot-button stuff: politics, values, health decisions. Her new book, How to Disagree Better, starts from a counterintuitive premise: we're drowning in advice on how to win arguments, but Julia's research shows that trying to win is basically a guaranteed way to start a fight. Her work offers evidence-based strategies for being genuinely receptive to opposing views, which turns out to be far more effective than perfecting your persuasion game. Related Episodes: * 276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson [https://offtheclockpsych.com/assertive-communication/] * 281. Belonging Uncertainty and Bridging Divides with Geoffrey Cohen [https://offtheclockpsych.com/belonging-uncertainty/] * 371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith [https://offtheclockpsych.com/uniting-toward-a-better-future-with-diana-mclain-smith/] * 392. Outraged with Kurt Gray [https://offtheclockpsych.com/outraged-with-kurt-gray/] * 403. Conflict Resilience with Bob Bordone and Joel Salinas [https://offtheclockpsych.com/conflict-resilience-with-bob-bordone-and-joel-salinas/] See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy [https://art19.com/privacy] and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info [https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info].