It’s All In Your Head! Chill Out!! Labels!!!

It’s All In Your Head! Chill Out!! Labels!!!

We are finishing up our Road Trip to Fresno. If you didn’t catch the last episode, “What Is A Predator?” make sure to check that one out before continuing with this one. This morning, the dude I recently started dating, bought me a breakfast burrito because I bought him a special meal last night for all of his hard work and efforts he has been putting into his new career lately. He said, “What was I gonna do? Get myself something and not you”? All I could process out of my mouth was a whimper and I said, “ But where are the hash browns?” My brain's thoughts were trying to comprehend what was happening in real time. I thought to myself, You got me a breakfast burrito without sausage? No potatoes?? Why is he spending money on me when he needs to be saving money? That’s why I treated him yesterday. All of this was happening in my head as I was spiraling, withdrawing from nicotine again and frantically looking for my keys which are always in the same place yet somehow with a new presence around, this time they were not in their usual spot. My dude and I go roughly 1-2 weeks without seeing each other each month because we are long distance, and sometimes he comes over and spends 2-3 days with me to make up for the time apart. We are both trying to get used to spending time with someone else when we are used to doing "life" alone. Later that day I started whining at him because work has been slow again so I couldn’t afford to pay him for any luxuries to wash my car because it has been trashed since before I bought it. From all of my purchased car washes from when I was a ride share driver, never touched the damage of the polar bear-like dog who basically lived in the car with the previous owner when they went on joy rides together. Of course the dealership thought the car was “cheap” enough to not detail it properly before selling it to me.I had been bugging him to bring his tools and supplies over so he could work on my car the last few weeks and I felt so guilty to afford such a luxury when it was not feasible with the current economic situation i was in. I told him I was so sorry for nagging him about it and making such a big deal about how I needed it done and he said, “I won’t do the whole car but I got you. Don’t worry about it.” An hour into his cleaning, I brought him down some tea and to check on his progress to see if he needed some help because I could not imagine what was taking so long as I have a tiny car. I came down to the garage and one seat out of five, was done. I could not believe how meticulous and diligent he was being on the seats and I was completely and utterly speechless because the difference was beyond night and day. An eleven year old car essentially looked brand new to me, I could not believe it. I went back and forth to get him some water for his machine and kept pestering how I could help as I found myself feeling so guilty for wanting something that was so labor intensive, and for free. He did not finish until around 10:30pm. He came back into the house and face planted on my bed and did not want to move. He didn’t give me a guilt trip, didn’t ask for payment, didn’t expect anything in return, he just asked if I was happy with the results. I always have something to say and this time was speechless. This was literally a labor of love. My car smells new, fresh, and you can see patterns that weren’t there before. It was beyond a gift to me. I am still getting used to getting out of my head, bouncing thoughts and ideas off of someone, holding my own while sharing space with another, but this is my first opportunity to start over again and try things differently this time. It takes time though and trials and efforts, to undo the previous hurt and pain and pre conceived notions of how life or people are, should or ought to be. To get out of your own way and believe in fresh starts and new beginnings and different paths.

What Is A Predator? Religion, Adolescence, and Coming Of Age

When I was in junior high, I had a best friend at the time who gave me my very first girl kiss in the jacuzzi of her hot tub and later she broke it off as friends because I guess she thought I was too religious and wouldn’t understand or accept her, but hey, I was there for it. And one day, her dad treated us to a getaway at some fancy Westin resort near Palm Springs and it was just me, my best friend, her dad and her brother. Her brother was some sort of “special”. I don’t know what you would call him these days but he had a difficult time controlling himself and spoke in a particular way. After an afternoon at the pool, my bestie and I went back to the hotel and took a nap. Her older brother was near me in the room and he reached under the covers and started touching me. As girls often are, I was shamed for bringing it to the adults attention when I got home and they chalked it up to him being special, he didn’t mean it, and maybe that didn’t really happen. In that same family dynamic, my friend's mom had a male friend who was her gigolo of sorts and we always hated that guy. He was a creep. He always tried to make it seem like he was one of us. He wasn’t. My mom would ask him to come over to the house sometimes to work on house projects; like paint our fucking kitchen pink and purple with gold sparkles. God, it was horrendous growing up with that fucking kitchen. But I always told my mom how uncomfortable I was with him being there, that he did not have good intentions whenever my mom left the room. But my mom thought I was being harsh and dramatic and had her own intentions for him being there, so she let it slide. Thankfully for me, he only attempted to make advances and said a lot of things he shouldn’t. I always hoped nothing happened to my gf though. She ended up becoming non-binary and he became transgender. Go figure. There was another time in college when I went to the school doctor for help about some female problems I was having and the doctor said he was gonna “try to help me out” and I’m pretty sure it’s for reasons like what went down in that room that they always have nurses join in now and leave the door open. Us pioneers gotta lead the way, right? I remember being impacted by it shortly after graduation time and I reported it to the cops but they said because I was in a different city when I called it in, they couldn’t file a claim for me unless I went back to the scene of the crime. I thought that was bologna and that's probably where my issues started with cops back then. I think the only reason why I graduated was because my mom threw enough of a stink about what happened that day in the doctors office that they gave me a pass because I couldn’t pass my math classes. Algebra freaking 2 you guys. I always sucked @ math. I hope that’s not why I was able to graduate. I hope not. To end on a lighter note, at the tail end of turning almost 22, I worked a security guard job and worked my first shift at Oz Fest in Orange County where the good ole Ozzie Osborne was performing and my allergies were so bad that I asked to be relocated from the dusty back side of the festival and they stuck me in front of the catering booth where I met the love of my life. He was 14 years older than me. A voice from behind me offered me a brownie,and I turned around to see where the voice was coming from and my life was forever changed from that point forward. I love you forever, Guido. Love always, Claudia. Claudia: I don't understand. He meets a girl that can give him a new life and he pushes her away? Guido: Because he no longer believes in it. Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love. Guido: Because it isn't true that a woman can change a man. Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love. Guido: And above all because I don't feel like telling another pile of lies. Claudia: Because he doesn't know how to love. -Federico Fellini's 8½

Avoidance + Communication = Clarity & Relief

Recently, I received a very big gift, or one I thought was very big as it was consuming my mind a little bit and making me anxious. My sliding glass door and screen was a bit old school and would not lock or shut properly allowing flies to come in and with Long Beach, you never know who wants to jump onto your balcony and I wanted to make sure my door would lock so I could feel safe. I had one general contractor come over and tell me it was a $250 job to align the doors and lock it properly. I had a friend of mine who said he wanted payment but kept putting it off until we got into an argument about it and now he isn’t speaking to me, and I myself, went to Ace Hardware, removed the handle and showed the handle bar and a video to the store manager and he said I needed to remove the doors, which he said was a two person job, grease and or replace the wheels and maybe then could it be fixed. Being a home owner on my own can be pretty expensive and stressful at times so I try to get help where I can but kept getting frustrated that I could not fix this door issue. Needless to say on my 4th attempt, I asked this guy I am newly dating if he could look at it for me and I would pay him. I told him what a feat it was for me, causing me a giant headache, and just wanted to feel comfortable not worrying about my lock and door. He told me the next time he came out my way, he would look at it. He ended up spending a few nights with me and on the last day before we hit up the beach he said, “Remind me to look at your door before we go. I looked at it and it will only take me like ten minutes”. I told him that he was lying and it could not have been that simple as everyone was making it sound like climbing Mount Everest, and my closest friend who prides himself on fixing anything and everything could not get around to it or be bothered. He said, “Gimmie a hammer”. I gave him a hammer. 10-15 minutes later, it was done. I had my jaw open the entire time just staring at him going to town on my door. When he finished, I said, “How much do I owe you?” He said, “Don’t worry about it, maybe buy me some chips or something.” I said, “What?! Chips?! A blow job isn’t even good enough for what you just did for me. I need to do better than that. Are you sure?”. He was serious. We went to the beach and I got him some chips and he was a happy camper acting like it was not a big deal. I was legitimately shook for about a half hour. I explained to him what I am telling you now and he just shrugged it off. I think you understand the moral of the story here. How grateful I was to be freshly dating someone who not only did what they said they were going to do, did not make me feel like a pile of crud about it, and did not choose to take advantage of the situation. I was blown away by what a great man that was in front of me. When I started dating this guy, it was rough for a few weeks. Not that I am a big fan of using the words “we are both scorpios” but you get my drift. We but heads a lot, we both want to be right, and we both misunderstand what each other is saying often. But we worked through our first fight recently. I kept thinking, this man was not expecting to meet me and he surely was not expecting to date anyone any time soon, he was just looking to “connect”, whatever that means these days. But we met, and after about a month started dating and what I see is a man who does not have it all figured out, does not know how to get to everywhere that he wants to be, but is willing to put in the work, try, and show effort. It is honestly so beautiful and refreshing to me. I have dated some guys in the past that have the established life, the high paying jobs, and could not communicate or show effort to save their own life. Besos everyone. Hang in there.

TAKE ME TO PROM, Dang Nabbit!

I went to prom the other day, fine, okay, I was working one and I could not get over how much older I felt and so ‘mom’ like when I saw all these girls dressed up and ready to have some fun and all I wanted to do was make sure they were safe and well taken care of. My friend made a comment to me, “When did you become such a momma bear” when I kept trying to find the most appropriate way to console and assist this young band performer who was sweating like a dog, chain smoking, and singing at the top of his lungs with no care in the world in the parking lot with this buddies. He was 100% on some sort of methamphetamine and talking 1000 miles a minute. I could not get over the people turning their eyes and ignoring this very young kid, who had some sort of parents, somewhere, and watching this kid throw his youth away for a chance to be a rock star. It was difficult to watch. He could not have been more than 20 years old. I worked up the courage to approach him but how the heck do you approach a young boy when you are my age to show concern when no one else seems to give a damn. My co-workers were saying, “You have to let him be. It is better for you to stay out of the way”, but thankfully just to calm my nerves, my co-worker joined me to not look so intimidating and we walked up to him and I said, “Hey I am just making sure you are good. If you need anything, just let us know, okay?” He thought I was delusional for even mentioning it and I wanted to offer him a ride home because no one in the car he rode with was sober or completely sane at that moment and I felt completely helpless. What was I going to do? Call the cops? Hell no. Contact the organization running the event? They had eyes and ears. I know these kids need to make their own mistakes but at what cost? Who knows, but I needed to do my part. He imprinted my brain and I felt like a mother inside of me, but it made me question how parents raise kids in the type of world we are living in today. I hope to one day have a child or two on my own but I am mostly serious when I say I would need to be a millionaire to do it right. I would want to keep my marriage in tact and not drown in the stress and resentment due to finances, afford to help our children with college and their first car, all of the ballet recitals and soccer games and to pass out a $20 bill every time they go to dinner with their friends. I could not believe that 2 years after the LA fires attacked the school that they still did not have the funds for a school that they believe is up to par enough to give these kids a good education. I had to remind myself, yes Evelyn, this is not the prom you went to, but in their day and age, how wonderful they got to have it at all thanks to the volunteers and people who showed a care. I have been on a recent journey lately of some dating and the older I get, the more I put my foot down for the values I find necessary and important. Sure, none of us are promised to live to 99 years old, but life is so precious and cannot be wasted on people who do not want to focus on their growth and being the best they can be for themselves and others. I am grateful for the people in my life who are compassionate and show unconditional love in this world. To the people who I miss so dearly, I wish them so much love, health, and hope for whatever journey they choose for themselves as long as they are content and find moments of joy. “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” - Lao Tzu “Do you realize how rare it is to find someone who sees the world the same way you do, even if only for a single night?” -Fyodor Dostoevsky Keywords: contrarian thinker, real life, no filter, authenticity, philosophy, self development, growth, awareness, mindfulness, inspiration, encouragement, positivity, humans with a pulse, real life, no filter, relationships, online dating

It Is Not Your “Job” To Be A Good Person. Be A Good One Anyways.

Here are some of my new favorite quotes I recently discovered to help you get through your day. Read 'em and weep! Which one shakes you to your core? Does it change/help your life? Read these very slowly. In your head once, and out loud once. Boom. You are welcome. You can also commit injustice by doing nothing. -Marcus Aurelius (...because I ran out of characters on Episode 19…I was clearly passionate about that topic…) To be happy, you must eliminate two things: the fear of a bad future, and the memory of a bad past. -Seneca If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own. -Epictetus I wanted to cry out, to ask her not to go. But what right had I to hold her back when her happiness lay in another's arms? -Fyodor Dostoevsky It's not a shame if a man learns something from a woman's heart which makes him more gentle and human. -Nizar Qabbani Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.-Albert Camus The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. -Marcus Aurelius (My personal favorite and I will always spam you with this gem…) Give me liberty or give me death. -Patrick Henry Keywords: contrarian thinker, accountability, emotional intelligence, real life, no filter, authenticity, documentary, entanglement, fling, friends with benefits, casual dating, undefined relationship, open-ended romance, undefined companionship, friends, lovers, casual, low effort, not interested, sex education, safety first, protection, hiking, solo hiker, adventure, solitude, isolation, optoutside, journey, destination, socal, mountains, capitalism, america, individual, thinking, contrarian thinker, philosophy, self development, growth, awareness, reflections, reflections of evelyn, meditation, producer evelyn, stream of consciousness, writing, producing, blogs, journaling, mindfulness, yogi, spiritualism, flora, relationships, inspiration, encouragement, positivity, news, journalism, politics, trends, trending, responsibility, accountability, emotional intelligence, maturity, mental health, peace, joy, love, art, humans with a pulse, real life, no filter, authenticity, raw, moving, story telling, eco friendly, economy, subjective, abstract, picture this, documentary, creative, talk therapy, support, guidance, beauty, unknown, canada, russia, uk, poland, united states Follow the duck & Evelyn on her adventures and journeys @ducklifeproductions Song links!⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days]⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days%E2%81%A0]https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/evelynslatershew/songwriting-days⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠]