The 3-Stage System Narcissists Use to Pick Their Target

The 3-Stage System Narcissists Use to Pick Their Target

Have you ever looked back and thought, "He saw exactly what I needed... and used it against me"? That gut feeling isn't paranoia — it's accurate. In this episode, psychotherapist Chelsey Brooke Cole breaks down the dark psychology behind how narcissists and predators actually choose their targets, and the answer might surprise you: predators don't go after the weak, they go after the warm. Chelsey walks through the 3-stage system predators use to lock someone in — the Scan, the Test, and the Mirror — and the 4 specific traits they're consistently looking for: empathy, a tendency to overexplain, unresolved wounds, and a strong discomfort with conflict. If you've spent years blaming yourself for "not seeing it sooner" or wondering why you were chosen, this episode reframes the entire story. You'll also walk away with 4 practical ways to make yourself a harder target going forward. ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (0:00) Introduction – Was It Really Your Fault? (0:37) What Is Dark Psychology? (2:04) The Biggest Lie Survivors Tell Themselves (3:41) Why Predators Target the Warm, Not the Weak (5:24) Stage 1: The Scan (7:32) Stage 2: The Test (12:51) Stage 3: The Mirror (17:47) Empathy Is Not the Problem (18:51) The Narcissist Playbook (Free Masterclass) (19:31) The 4 Traits Predators Look For (26:37) How to Protect Yourself Going Forward (28:09) The Reframe: You Survived a System (28:13) Recap & Closing

He Designed the Abuse Specifically for You — with Kate Anthony

You can't catch a covert abuser with a checklist. They don't follow a script — they follow you. Divorce coach Kate Anthony spent years deciding the definition of emotional abuse didn't fit her marriage — because her ex was never overt. The harm was quieter: a slow, tailored erosion of her sense of self that no bullet list could capture. In this conversation, Kate explains why the checklist keeps survivors stuck and offers the one question that actually cuts through — not "does he match the signs?" but "how do I feel in this relationship?" We also unpack why couples therapy is contraindicated when there's abuse, how betrayal blindness and fight-or-flight block clear decision-making, and why "should I stay or go?" can't be answered until you reconnect to yourself first. ABOUT KATE Kate Anthony is a certified high-conflict divorce coach, Domestic Violence Advocate, and the author of The D-Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage. Through her top-ranked podcast The Divorce Survival Guide and her coaching programs, she helps women break free from coercive control and rebuild their lives with clarity and confidence. The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage -- https://a.co/d/0e8Z9b6E [https://a.co/d/0e8Z9b6E] Learn more about Kate: https://kateanthony.com/ [https://kateanthony.com/] ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (0:00) Introduction – Covert Abuse & Kate's Story (1:21) Guest Welcome & Background (2:26) Kate's Personal Experience with Emotional Abuse (7:43) Why Couples Therapy Fails in Abusive Relationships (11:17) Signs of Coercive Control: Feel, Don't Investigate (14:30) The Checklist Trap & Why We Stay Confused (18:40) We Don't Want to Leave – The Pull to Stay (19:56) Betrayal Blindness & the Brain's Self-Protection (22:11) Kate's Book: The D Word & the Stay-or-Go Decision (25:36) Recognizing the Red Flags in Real Time (27:25) Women Aren't Responsible for Men's Healing (29:40) Intentional Targeting by Abusers (32:47) There Is Hope – Healthy Relationships Do Exist (33:13) One Thing to Do Today: Breathe & Come Back to Self (35:41) Wrap-Up & Where to Find Kate

They're Always in Control: A Therapist's 30-Year Study of Male Abusers

"He never lost his temper. He chose it." Don Hennessy spent more than three decades sitting across from male intimate abusers — and what they taught him upends nearly everything we assume about how abuse works. In this episode, Don Hennessy — former Clinical Director of Ireland's National Domestic Violence Intervention Project and author of Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control — explains the mind of the abuser he calls the "psychophile": a man who invades his partner's thinking deliberately, then hides the intent behind chaos, charm, and blame. You'll learn: * How abusers select a target in as little as 30 minutes, and the qualities they scan for * Why "he was out of control" is the most successful lie an abuser tells * The transfer of blame that keeps a woman examining herself instead of him * How sexual entitlement sits at the center, with every other tactic working as a distraction * Why your intuition was never lost — and how to start hearing it again A clear, unflinching look at coercive control — and a reminder that you don't have to understand an abuser to be free of him. You just have to stop him. ABOUT DON Don Hennessy has been working in the area of male intimate abuse for more than 30 years. He was a founding member of the Cork domestic violence project in 1991. He also served as clinical director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention project in Ireland for 15 years. He has published 3 books on the issue which analyse the action of the male abuser (who he names a psychephile) and how a target woman might recover her own instincts. He has addressed conferences in England, Northern Ireland, Spain and Greece. He continues to work with target women. 📖 Books: 👉 How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser https://www.amazon.com/How-Gets-Into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208 [https://www.amazon.com/How-Gets-Into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208] 👉 Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control https://www.amazon.com/Steps-Freedom-Escaping-Intimate-Control-ebook/dp/B07C5D7H3F [https://www.amazon.com/Steps-Freedom-Escaping-Intimate-Control-ebook/dp/B07C5D7H3F] 👉 How He Wins: Abusive Intimate Partners Going Free https://www.amazon.com/How-He-Wins-Intimate-Partners-ebook/dp/B08PF74VS2 [https://www.amazon.com/How-He-Wins-Intimate-Partners-ebook/dp/B08PF74VS2] ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (0:00) Introduction & Guest Overview (1:20) Don's Background & How He Got Into This Work (4:36) What Abusers Taught Us: They're Always in Control (9:00) Defining the "Psychophile": Why This Term? (10:18) The Shift from Physical to Mental Control (14:43) How Abusers Target & Assess Their Victims (18:13) The Setup: How Abusers Establish Control (21:06) The Omnipresent Voice & Silencing Your Intuition (24:12) Coercive Control: A Psychological Prison (25:26) Cobras vs. Pit Bulls: Types of Abusers (27:55) The Core: Sexual Dominance & Entitlement (30:53) Shame, Sexuality & What's Not Talked About (34:35) Can Abusers Change? (37:39) Steps to Freedom: Reclaiming Your Intuition (40:17) Final Advice: One Thing to Begin Healing (41:33) Where to Find Don & Closing

She Knew the Red Flags & Still Got Trapped: Dr. Kerry McAvoy's Narcissistic Abuse Story

Can a psychologist fall victim to a narcissist? Dr. Kerry McAvoy says yes — and she lived it. In this powerful episode, Kerry shares her personal journey of narcissistic abuse recovery after losing her husband to cancer and being targeted by a predatory partner who used coercive control to trap her. If you've ever doubted yourself in a toxic relationship or wondered how to spot a narcissist before it's too late, this conversation is for you. 🎙️ In this episode, you'll learn: * Why even mental health professionals can miss the red flags in relationships * How predators target agreeable personality types — and what makes you a target * The difference between manufactured confidence and real competence * How to make yourself "disinteresting" to narcissistic personalities * Why trusting your gut is the #1 skill for surviving narcissistic abuse * How to rebuild self-worth and become your own best friend after abuse Kerry McAvoy, PhD is a psychologist, author, and narcissistic abuse survivor whose story proves that knowledge alone isn't protection — but self-trust is. Have you ever ignored your gut in a relationship? What happened? 🔔 Subscribe for weekly conversations on healing from toxic relationship signs, setting boundaries, and reclaiming your life after NPD abuse. ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] ABOUT KERRY Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbooks, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist and Surviving to Thriving, helps victims break free and heal from abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kerrymcavoyphd [https://youtube.com/@kerrymcavoyphd] Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kerrymcavoyphd [https://www.facebook.com/kerrymcavoyphd] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kerrymcavoyphd/ [https://www.instagram.com/kerrymcavoyphd/] TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjuTrnV/ [https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjuTrnV/] Website: https://kerrymcavoyphd.com [https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/] Love You More, memoir: Love You More: The Harrowing Tale of Lies, Sex Addiction, & Double Cross [https://a.co/d/5b2PaIh] ReclaimYou app: https://studio.com/drkerry/ [https://studio.com/drkerry/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (00:00) Introduction: Kerry McAvoy's Journey From Psychologist to Survivor Advocate (02:35) The Relationship That Changed Everything: Falling for a Narcissist (05:15) Why Even Therapists Miss the Warning Signs of Narcissistic Abuse (08:10) Love Bombing, Trauma Bonding, and the Slow Erosion of Reality (12:15) "I Thought I Could Help Him": The Empathy Trap Survivors Fall Into (16:30) Why Leaving Isn't as Simple as "Just Walk Away" (20:05) Who Narcissists Target and Why Highly Empathic People Are Vulnerable (24:10) The Hidden Traits That Make You a Target for Manipulation (28:05) How Narcissists View Relationships: Asset, Enemy, or Threat (32:40) Why Survivors Miss the Person They Thought They Knew (36:50) The Grief of Letting Go of the Future You Imagined (40:20) Can Narcissists Change? The Truth Survivors Need to Hear (45:30) Spiritual Abuse, Charisma, and Why We Ignore Red Flags (49:40) Rebuilding Trust in Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse (54:50) A Powerful Visualization for Strengthening Boundaries (59:40) Finding Your Inner Light and Returning to Yourself (1:03:05) Kerry McAvoy's Advice for Survivors: Become Your Own Friend (1:03:35) Where to Find Kerry McAvoy's Books, Podcast, and Resources

How to Stop Feeling Powerless (Even After Years of Abuse)

Have you ever felt so beaten down that you stopped trying to change things — stopped fighting for your boundaries, stopped taking care of yourself — because it felt like nothing you did actually mattered? That's not a character flaw. That's what narcissistic abuse does. And in this episode, I'm talking about the one psychological concept that has to be rebuilt before anything else in your healing can work: your agency. Agency is the belief that you are the author of your own life — that your choices matter, that you can influence what happens to you. And narcissistic abuse is specifically designed to dismantle it. Through gaslighting, control, and unpredictability, you're conditioned to stop trusting yourself, stop advocating for yourself, and stop believing you matter. But here's what the narcissist doesn't want you to know: you can take it back. And it starts smaller than you think. —— WHAT IS AGENCY AND WHY DOES IT MATTER? Agency is the psychological sense that you are capable of making choices that impact your life. It's the foundation that everything else in healing sits on top of — boundaries, self-worth, even leaving. None of it works without this piece first. Narcissistic abuse erodes agency in layers: • Gaslighting teaches you not to trust your own perceptions • Control teaches you that your preferences don't matter • Unpredictability teaches you that nothing you do changes the outcome anyway The result? You feel frozen. Stuck. Anxious about even the smallest decisions. And somewhere deep down, you start to believe that YOU don't matter. This episode is my refusal to let that be the end of your story. —— 5 PRACTICAL STEPS TO REBUILD YOUR AGENCY TODAY 1️⃣ Stop over-explaining your decisions 2️⃣ Follow through on promises you make to yourself 3️⃣ Notice when you're asking for permission you don't need 4️⃣ Reconnect with your own preferences 5️⃣ Make decisions without polling everyone first —— KEY TAKEAWAYS • Agency — the belief that your choices matter — is the foundation of all healing • Narcissistic abuse dismantles agency slowly and deliberately, often without you realizing it • You rebuild agency through action, not just insight — one small decision at a time • Over-explaining, permission-seeking, and consensus-polling are all survival responses worth noticing • You don't have to feel ready to heal. You just have to start small. —— ABOUT ME I'm Chelsey Brooke Cole — a licensed psychotherapist specializing in complex trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery, author of If Only I'd Known, and host of Restoring Resilience. I combine over a decade of clinical experience with my own survivor story to help people heal and trust themselves again. —— Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/]