Self Published

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published Episode 9. I’m Aziza Kibibi and in this episode we are going to talk about the birds and the bees. Yes, yes y’all. We will be discussing the very thing that drives human kind. The very thing that leads to the creation of each and every one of us. The very thing that many just can’t seem to get enough of. Ssssex! And aside from the blog post topic being about sex and my own sexuality, you may be wondering “well Aziza, what does sex have to do with publishing a book?” And to you I will answer this… When it comes to making and marketing a product, the old adage is that sex sells. But often people take that way too literally. Sure seeing rippled six pack abs, glistening smooth skin or an ample bosom is eye catching, but often sex in imagery can be very subtle. So subtle in fact we may not even realize that is the reason why we are drawn to an ad, thumbnail, post or even a person at first. Since the topic of my memoir Unashamed a life tainted addresses sexual deviance and trauma, I had a lot to consider when designing my book cover, (as I spoke about in episode 4), as well as marketing my book and even my public persona. But the thing with me is that I am proud of and I absolutely love…. me! And that include the parts of me that many may not find to their liking….or actually maybe too much to their liking which in turn makes them uncomfortable with there thoughts because…anyway, let me refocus before I get lost down that rabbit hole. My point is you can’t please everyone. And this episode is about learning how to please yourself and then acclimating your audience into your world. So without further ado, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with… THE BLOG POST January 18, 2014 [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-birds-and-bees.html] THE BIRDS AND THE BEES One of the most challenging aspects of recovery for a survivor of sexual exploitation, is one’s perspective of sex I went through many stages in my sexual growth and it's safe to say I continue to go through them. As a little girl I was confused between the sensations I was feeling, if what was happening to me was right or wrong, fear, and the stress on my body. I have children and I know sexual exploration is a part of growing up, but to have it forced on you is traumatizing to say the least. By the time I reached puberty my father had pushed my body to the point that my physical senses were numb and my mentality was that him raping me was another one of my household chores. If I wanted to avoid being choked or punched while he had intercourse with me, it was best that I didn't fight. I went from a little girl who's innocence and love for her father was used against her, to a teenager who's will had been broken to the point that she fit perfectly into the role created for her; to a grown woman with little identity of her own; sexual or otherwise. So what now? At twenty five years old I'd already been having sex most of my life; but I'd never had an orgasm, I didn't see sex as something that was suppose to be pleasurable for a woman, and I'd been trained to please one person. When I was with my first, outside of my dad, I really wanted to express how I felt about him physically. We talked on the phone, spent time together and I told him what happened to me. I trusted him and when we kissed for the first time (one of the many things I hated doing with my father) my body ignited with sensations that I didn't know was possible. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad! But when the day finally came, it was a disaster. As soon as I felt his penis, seventeen years of sexual abuse came flooding back. I didn't break down, I didn't bolt and I didn't refuse; I reverted back to the trained obedient little girl I grew up as, and I went through the motions of making this man cum. As soon as that happened, I felt nothing. No amazing sensation running through my body, no will, no understanding if I liked what was happening or not. I was again the orifice being used for a man to get his rocks off on. And it was horrible. I felt like everything that I built with this man went out of the window. I was embarrassed, ashamed and because he didn't orgasm, I felt like I didn't do my job. This whole experience made me resentful. I was away from my father, yet he was still present in my life through my interactions with another man. I knew that had to change. Thanks to my dad, sex was something negative in many ways, and I had to dispel so many head games it was crazy! Without knowing anything about psychology, I knew I had to deprogram the associations I made between sex and misery, and start all over again. I started to read books on sex, scientific, practical and entertainment focused. I read books on masturbation, the female anatomy, sexual art, fetishes, female orgasm and ejaculation, as well sexual practices from different cultural perspectives. I watched porn and I read erotic literature while paying attention to what aroused me and what didn't. If I saw images that pertained to my father but still triggered sensual sensations in me, I didn't shy away from it. I told myself that if other women can enjoy it, than there's no reason I couldn't either. From there, I started masturbating. I was the only one I trusted with myself so, I enjoyed myself, by myself. I communicated with the man (who became my first love) everything that I did and he was in full support. Then one day while having an erotic dream, I woke up in the middle of my first orgasm! After that, I couldn't get enough. Rape? What rape? Molestation? What molestation? Daddy? Who the hell was that and what did he have to do with my orgasm? This became my viewpoint of the pleasure my body was capable of feeling. (Side note: God created sex as a means to reproduce. In order to make a baby a man has to orgasm but a woman doesn't. Yet we still have the ability to orgasm. Which means, God gave us our orgasm just for us to enjoy! I'm just saying.) Once I was comfortable with my ability to have sexual feelings without associating it with something negative, I introduced my boyfriend. And the rest is history. Recovering after sexual trauma is a process. It takes work, focus and practice. But first one must accept that they have a right to and deserve to enjoy sex again. Starting with the passion to retake the power stolen from you, and not allowing the abuser to maintain control after the attack, enjoying sex without hangups is possible, and very probable. My father performed cunnilingus [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunnilingus] on me when he started molesting me, and today cunnilingus is probably my favorite sexual activity. Im not ashamed to say that there may be some association pertaining to (this is where I get technical) Unconditioned Stimulus, Conditioned Stimulus and everything else concerning classical conditioning and Ivan Pavlov [http://psychology.about.com/od/classicalconditioning/a/pavlovs-dogs.htm]. But I don't care! It could be, and it could not be. I'm not going to dwell on it because doing so would just be a continuation of crediting and/or discrediting my father for my sex life. At the same time if there is association, oh well. There's nothing I can do about it now. I need to live my life, and that includes enjoying the pleasure that myself and someone I care about can give me. SIDEBAR You can’t edit your own work. Well, let me take that back,…you shouldn’t edit your own work. And by edit I mean the final and/or second to final edit. Of course when writing, every draft is an edit and you as the writer do the first few. But before publishing or distribution, you must allow a fresh pair of eyes to make edits for grammar and content. I knew this. Which is why I searched for an editor first in my school (remember the professor who came on to me?), in my social media network, among my friends and amidst my business associates; which is where I finally found one. A young women came highly recommended by a gentlemen who I’d met and baked some cookies for. Taking my own advise, I’d spoken with him about my project even though he had nothing to do with book publishing, and lo and behold, he had a good friend who was an editor, a contributor for a popular media blog, a ghost writer and an ad copy writer. We met, I told her about my project, she sent me some samples and references, I sent her 5 pages to edit to make sure she meshed well with my writing voice, she returned them and it was all good. She gave me a quote and an estimated date for completion which was within plenty of time of my deadline, I accepted, we singed a contract which included a non disclosure agreement, I gave her $1300 in money orders and I sent her my 558 page draft for her to get started. 3 weeks later she sent me 75 edited pages. Things were looking good but I was finding some basic mistakes and some grammar edits that completely changed the context of my writing. OK…ok, this is just part of the process right? We had a phone meeting and corrections and clarification were made. Cool. But it was nagging me that when I compared her 75 pages to the original 75 there wasn’t many differences aside from what she did wrong. But ok, maybe I’m just that good of a writer. It’s all good. Two more weeks passed and she sent me another 25 pages. Ok, it was looking good at first; a few spelling errors on my end that she corrected, great. But again, an entire event was changed around. When I asked her about it, she said that what I wrote was too unbelievable and wouldn’t be accepted by a reader. Uhm, Huh? I had to remind her that everything in my manuscript was actual events. It was my life for crying out loud and changing the events is not what I hired her to do. She expressed her understanding, apologized and corrected the issues. I checked that we were still on track with timing which she confirmed and we scheduled the next check in. Ten days later, to my pleasant surprise I received from my editor 25 more pages. We were three months out from my deadline, and I thought at this rate she just may finish the entire manuscript early. And the 3rd time is definitely a charm because I had no issues with this batch of edits. She corrected my spelling mistakes, made edits to phrases for clarity and even poetically emphasized a sentenced with such eloquence, it was as if she plucked the colorfully abstract artistic imagery right from the thought bubble floating above my head and translated it into words. I emailed her thanks and praises, confirmed our meeting the following week and went about my business. Two days later while going through my email, I noticed that my editor didn’t respond to my last correspondence, so I text her. By the end of that day, I noticed she didn't respond to my text so I called her and left a message on her voicemail. The day comes for our meeting and I had yet to hear from my editor. I emailed, I called I text and nothing. First thing I thought was I hope she didn’t die. I don’t know why that thought always pops into my head when I don’t get a response from someone, I guess because death can be sudden and final….anyway I digress. Our meeting date came and went and I heard nothing from this lady. I called our mutual associate and he said it was very unlike her not to respond because she’s very professional. A sentiment I myself shared based on the interaction I had with her thus far. Two weeks go by. Nothing. Another Two weeks later, nothing. I was now 8 weeks from my deadline with only 125 pages edited and out $1300! I didn’t have the money to hire another editor in time so I used what I learned from the edits she made and though I knew I couldn’t be as effective as an objective party, I went about editing my own manuscript. What else was I supposed to do? I kept emailing in hopes I’d get a reply. And since the phone always rang before it went to voicemail, her phone was charged right? That was a good sign. So I kept leaving voicemails praying I’d get a call back. A Month later and still no email, no call back no text response. It was clear to me I would miss my deadline. Even if I did hear something at that point, she wouldn’t be able to finish editing in time. Three weeks before I was to submit my manuscript to a potential self publishing company I called her phone one more time. There was an answer…this number has been disconnected. Ask/Invite/Announcements Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, or a even a quick recipe for dinner for 4, please follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org [http://PreciousLittleLadies.org]. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell. WRITING ADVICE Like any product made available to the public, a book, film or any form of art, it requires a need for it. Especially if you plan on being compensated for your work wether it be in the form of cash, admiration, fame, respect, opportunity or anything else of value to you. Now don't get it twisted, yes there must be a need, but that doesn’t mean that it’s known there’s a need. Just saying. Now luckily for us what is considered art is subjective to the audience, and any form of it at the very least will bring some type of satisfaction to said audience, even if only to be something for them to hate or criticize. But I think it’s safe to say that if you want to publish something, it’s with the intention of it being enjoyed and wanted by others. So, if you are a creator who intends on her or his creations to be consumed by the public, how do you give your audience what they think they want while staying true to yourself? I have a formula. Mostly you plus a little of them with a dash of the industry. The mostly you part should be easy. It’s your work, your inspiration, your heart and soul. Don’t allow what you think is popular in the industry dictate your creative manifestations. It’s fine to take it into consideration and allow it to influence it somewhat, but keep in mind many great works like the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, weren’t considered great by industry standards and professionals. But, that doesn’t mean you should ignore industry standards. Especially if you’re new to it. Ever heard the term “don’t try to reinvent the wheel?” You’re trying to enter a field that already exists. A party that clearly has a dress code. A group that has their language established. And that being the case, there’s a lot you can learn from it. For example, If you want to be published by a traditional publisher, 9 times out of 10 you’ll need to submit your work based on their requirements. And if you want to self publish your work, it’d do you good to learn marketing strategies from the pros. As for the the “little of them part”, that comes in the form of caring about your audience. While you can look at what’s worked with audiences in the past, that’s the past. The present and the future could be something completely different. That being said, what your audience wants is somewhat of a mystery, even to them. There is currently studies being done on why a meme goes viral. No one knows. Why did kermit the frog looking at his dark side reflection appeal to the masses? Sure we can look at cultural and societal events, color contrast, relate ability, familiarity and many other markers that could be the reason the graphic of a shrouded kermit talking to his un-shrouded self went viral in too many interpretations to count, but the exact combination that made it appeal to so many is as dark as the death star itself. So I recommend instead of trying to predict what would please an audience, consider trying to predict how not to displease them. In my case I had to consider traumatizing my reader. My subject matter is a tough pill to swallow. But being a necessary pill to swallow I had to figure out how to make it easier to go down. And I chose to use relatability. But to know what to include in my memoir that would be relatable, I had to create an imaginary audience who could relate. Outlining who your audience is helps a great deal in the marketing and somewhat in the creation stages of your project. Who is your consumer? Are they parents? What colors do they like. What do they do to put food on the the table? Are they married? Single? Divorced. Do they like their parents? Their job? Their home town? Your work may appeal to more than the audience you imagine which is a good thing. But thinking about who you imagine would be consuming what you have to offer, makes it much easier to create the recipe for the cake they didn’t know they were craving. OUTRO Hey you. Thank you so much for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope in this episode you were able to find something useful to you or someone you know. There’s only one more episode left in this season y’all. So I hope you really soaked this episode in. It got a little..well….lets just say when I was reading the blog post I was like, ooh, Aziza. You go really real in this one lol. I just find sex such a fascinating topic. It’s something that never gets old. People need but trivialize. Too many will go to jail for it, some will die for it and others will actually kill for it. Yes, many serial killers actually get sexual gratification from killing. It’s a weakness, a weapon, a power, a sin and a miracle. And yes, it can sell books. But before I go on an entire episode’s worth of information on sex and sexuality, I want to say this is the second to last episode in the season! Thank you in advance for sticking with me this far and I hope you stay stuck because there’s more to come. Until next time. Be blessed for you are a blessing. Self Published is written, produced, edited and hosted by Aziza Kibibi. Music by Yomoti, Gunnar Johnson and Arden Frost via Epidemic Sound. Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies [https://preciouslittleladies/].org Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast. [https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde] Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages [https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L] Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 [https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1] for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted...

What contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many friends and suitors recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television. Intro : Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 8. It doesn't matter how successful you are, no one reaches that success without the help of someone else. I’ve been called an overachiever, hyper-ambitious, a know it all, a do it all…everything that you could label someone who has the passion and drive to achieve many goals and achieve them. This may all sound great but the truth is, its a lot of fricken pressure. When people know you through your successes and you have a reputation that you break through steel walls to get shit done, it piles on a lot of pressure. You find yourself in a spotlight that while it brings attention to your successes, it can also expose your failures. So when you’re struggling, you are afraid that asking for help may make you seem week or incapable. I’ve struggled with this throughout my life and this blog I’m going to share with you talks more about how difficult that struggle really can be. So enough with the intro, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with this next…. BLOG POST December 28, 2013 [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html] S.O.S. I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway. I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father. My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing very well considering what my life has been, there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it. When my father came into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. This was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family. I became used to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance. There were decisions I had to make as a child that affected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help, the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice. Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem or a challenge, I pull up my boot straps, buckle down and handle my own business. But just lately I've been feeling overwhelmed. There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month or months in the year for me to get all I have to do done. At the same time if I have a day where there isn't as much to do or things can't get done because they are outside of my control, I feel useless and unproductive. What am I suppose to do with myself? And that question is not rhetorical either. If anyone reading this post has any suggestions, I implore you to let me know. And while I'm at it, if you know a literary agent, a publisher, an editor, how to write a grant proposal, a financial advisor, a lawyer and have suggestions on dealing with a fourteen year old boy who's father is his grandfather who happens to be in jail for molesting, beating and raping his mother; please tell me. Because I need some help. COMMENTS Unknown January 7, 2014 at 11:54 AM [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html?showComment=1389113651042#c8341645134110697361] > I have been abused by someone in my family and lived in what i call a verbally abusive household with my mother and father at each other's throats. I know that your life and my life are totally different in the circumstances but when it comes to the emotional damages it is the same. You feel the same way I did when i was letting go and you are struggling the same why i did....I can see it in ya eyes. My suggestion to feel better....cry. I know crying is a form of weakness but in my eyes is a release of emotions. It helps me let go of what my body is going through and i mean I cry. Please please don't ever deny yourself the feeling you going through because if you do it will only get worse...I promise you that. I have more advice but not sure if you want it. If you do please email me. Stay as strong as you can and if it becomes too much...ask for help." MY REPLY Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:45 AM [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html?showComment=1389339903842#c2159616106519486364] > Dear unknown Thank you for your comment. My father taught me to not cry. He said it was a sign of self pity, which he loathed. Now that I am away from him, I don't really cry out of habit, but I allow myself to feel all of my emotions; and yes, sometimes it does come out in the form of tears. I am not afraid of my emotions because though sometimes they can lead us astray, I believe God gave them to us to help navigate and enjoy this existence. Thank you for your input and suggestions, they are a big help. I will email you. Aziza Anonymous January 8, 2014 at 8:44 PM [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html?showComment=1389231899701#c5793901306437637372] > I just read of your story today on another media site, I had to google your name, I wanted to hear your story. Funny I never heard your voice, today I heard you loud and clear. I hear you my sister, I hear you. I am a gang raped survivor, and a fatherless daughter, and I ask my self all the time, why me? I was raped by 2 boys who I thought were my friends when I was 16 years old, today I’m 45 and I still ask why. Aziza you have a purpose, and its bigger than yourself. I know how you feel in more ways than you know. My hand is genuinely extended to you when ever, if ever, I’m here. Mizzjayeg@gmail.com MY REPLY Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:53 AM [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html?showComment=1389340397845#c8330581338228918242] > Thank you luv. I will email you. Cynthia Orlando January 10, 2014 at 6:39 AM [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html?showComment=1389353949901#c1177106703124730849] > Dear Aziza, > I too was sexually abuse by my father, and most of my life I thought my self to be a victim of my circumstances..and I told my self I was a survivor but even this is not healing to me..I am more than a survivor , I am a child of God, and this entitles me to miracles. I have being going on a healing process most of my life and I've come to the understanding that feeling like a victim only serves me to keep holding on the the suffering. I have learn through A Course In Miracles ..Who I AM. And this has empower me to create the life that God has intended me to live, and I learned that my function is to forgive myself, the people that I perceived hurt me and forgive the world I see. My pain is real and I honor it . However My suffering is a choice and I finally understood that my power is in the CHOICE I make for myself. I choose Love. > Here is a practice I do to help me let go of all the suffering and embrace my power. Hope it helps you, I do believe Forgiveness is the key to peace of mind. I am on Facebook if you want to be friend me I would be honor I extend my love to you, because i now know we are really ONE. > DO THE WORK > Complete each of the following statements with the first thought that comes to mind. Today I am struggling to forgive myself for ___________________ Today I am ready to forgive myself for ___________________ I realize if I do not forgive myself I will continue to feel___________________ I forgive myself for thinking ____________ I forgive myself for believing ___________ I forgive myself for feeling _____________ Today, I am willing to forgive myself for ___________________ > AFFIRMATION > Today, I commit to walk the path of self-forgiveness in support of my healing, growth and evolution. > I send you Love and Light Cynthia Orlando INVITE/ANNOUNCEMENTS Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to prepare to testifying court, etc, etc, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org [http://PreciousLittleLadies.org]. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell. SIDEBAR I don’t talk much about my personal relationships. Yes I’ve written explicitly in my book about the indiscretions of my ex husband and how that affected me as a young woman. Yes I’ve been openly candid about how being a survivor impacts my interactions with other people. And yes I even pointed out the potential suitors at the time in my life when I wrote the introduction to my book. But believe it or not, I’m actually a private person who keeps my romantic life to myself. That being said, what contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many suitors and friends recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television. A couple of months prior my car had been towed and I didn’t have the $500 it would take to get it out of impound. So I reached out to some of those who I'd been there for when they were in a bind and all of them either ignored my phone call or put me off! And it wasn’t just interested parties. Family…. same. So when those who were ignoring me suddenly became interested again after my television appearance, I was so taken a back by the change in behavior, I cut everyone off. And call me petty if you like, but I sent everyone messages that they had been dismissed. WRITING ADVISE I think it’s safe to say some of the greatest writers suffered from or was inspired by traumatic experiences that challenged their their mental well being. James Baldwin wrote the semi-autobiographical novel, Go Tell It On The Mountain to share and cope with his experiences being a young black boy growing up in Jim Crowe America. Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings was about her own experience suffering sexual abuse. F. Scott Fitzgerald was an alcoholic who fell in love with a schizophrenic…Sidebar: I want to note that while it’s been reported that Zelda Fitzgerald was diagnosed with an ‘illness of the mind’ and committed to a mental institution, women were often diagnosed from a perspective of chauvinistic bias and indiscriminately labeled due to a lack of knowledge and a whole lot of presumption. So in my mentioning Mrs. Fitzgerald, I use her as an example of Mr. Fitzgerald’s perspective of her since it is he who had her committed. My point is, great inspiration often comes out of suffering. Fantastic tales are often sourced from pain. The best stories are never remiss of tragedy. A lot of writers are basically a little crazy or trying to keep themselves from going crazy; Myself included. I believe that at its essence, creativity is chaos. And as creators, we are maestros of that creative energy, converging, organizing and translating it into something that can be understood by an audience. So is it a wonder that the ability to tap into that creativity reacquires a little bit of insanity? Nonetheless finding a balance between the toiling of a creator, the alchemy of the created, the normal world and the efficacy of maintaining the line that determines if the entire process enables or is a remedy for the insanity can take it’s toll. That’s why I recommend allotting time on a daily basis to decompress, center oneself and monitor your mental health. Along with some of the very insightful suggestions recommended by my readers of my blog post S.O.S... 1. Meditate: Not only will this help relax you and train your mind, you’ll gain clarity and discover ideas for your work. If you’re religious, I always say, if praying is talking to God, meditating is listening to God. 2. Exercise: Exercising produces endorphins, the feel good hormones. It also increases blood flow and and facilitates detoxification. I love to box because it gets my adrenaline going kicking other physical defense mechanism into high gear. 3. Clean your space: Monotonous housework like washing dishes, folding clothes or sweeping the floor can have their own meditative effects. You tend to zone out and your mind relaxes. Often when I hit a roadblock in my projects because I’m just thinking about it too much, I clean the kitchen. Usually by the time I’m done, I’ve cleared all the counters right along with the mental roadblock as well. And the solutions just come to me without me even trying. 4. Chant. The vibrations created from your own voice is very polarizing to disruptive energy. 5. Pray. As I mentioned earlier that meditation was listening to God, praying is talking to God. Whatever your faith is. I'm sure you know the drill. 6. Burn sage. Clearing the energy in your space is a good practice for anyone. Burning sage with intention helps to focus your mind and put your intentions into the universe while dispelling negative energy. 7. Watch a movie. I know it sounds extreme sophomoric after all the profoundly esoteric advise I shared earlier, but come on. Another person's story is a great distraction from the complications of your own life. As long as you watch for entertainment and not to study character development and editing. While writing Unashamed a life tainted, as therapeutic as releasing pent up energy through tears was, if I didn’t take breaks I would’ve found myself drifting aimlessly toward an emotional event horizon. That’s why when my daughter passed away, I had to set my work aside. Sure my writing was helping with my trauma pertaining to my childhood. But losing my child who was a result of the that childhood trauma, only exasperated the pain. I instead started a blog about her and it allowed me to compartmentalize aspects of my life by only focusing on my daughter and my experience with her independent of the other traumatic events. Had I not stepped away from my memoir for a moment, it would have been even more difficult for me to heal after losing her and my book would’ve been more sad than motivating. I’m well aware of deadlines, goals and creative juices bubbling that you just have to let flow. But remember to take care of yourself. You are a powerful tool, a conduit of sorts. And conduits can’t afford to crack. If you catch my drift. OUTRO Hey you, thank you so much for listening and allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. If you have any questions feel free to email me at aziza@azizakibibi.com [aziza@azizakibibi.com] and if you enjoyed what you heard in this episode, do leave a review and I’ll shout you out in a future episode. I can’t believe there are only two more episodes in this season! Wow. I guess time does fly when you’re having fun. I really enjoy producing this podcast in hopes that my listeners find inspiration, motivation and learn something in the process. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I am honored that my experience can be useful to yours. Well, that’s all for now. Until next time. Be bless for you are a blessing. Most Music and effects: Epidemic Sound Other Music and sounds: "Sourire à la Vie" - Josephine Baker "Lean on Me" chanted by attendees at the 50th anniversary of MLK's March on Washington - Aziza Kibibi Self Published is written, produced, edited and hosted by Aziza Kibibi. Music by Yomoti, Gunnar Johnson and Arden Frost via Epidemic Sound. Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies [https://preciouslittleladies/].org Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast. [https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde] Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages [https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L] Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 [https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1] for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about child sexual, psychological and physical abuse based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life. Yes, this was all part of the publishing process. Disclaimer : I've had my fair share of accusations and judgments sharing my story publicly and being candid and raw with the things that myself and too many others have survived. If my skin wasn't thick enough, facing comments like "you liked it" and "you deserved it you slut" from cowards hiding behind a username and ambiguous profile picture has definitely added a few more layers. This interview with Damon not only prepared me for writing my book, but it helped me in getting ready to sit on the witness stand against my father. What you are about to listen to is a continuation of one of the frank, unedited (except for names to protect the identities of family) conversations between myself and Damon Diddit about the experience from a child's perspective being molested by their father. Listening back I can hear the hesitation in some of my retelling because I was editing myself. As raw and unfitted as what you are listening to is, I was doing my best to save Damon unnecessary discomfort. But I have learned through my career as an activist that you have to make people uncomfortable to bring attention to the cause. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing. I hope you can derive something from this podcast that adds value to your life and help you discover your voice. Let me know how it goes. TRANSCRIPT* INTRO. Hey, hey, hey and welcome the third bonus episode of Self Publish. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor. This bonus episode is a continuation from the interview with my friend Damon Diddit. I cannot stress enough the benefit of reviewing your personal experiences with the help of someone you trust, in preparation for writing a book. As I mentioned before, my books Unashamed a life tainted volume 1 and 2 took 4 years to complete the compilation of over 30 years of memories and experiences and create a literary work that would communicate a specific message in hopes that it enlighten, encourage, educate and inspire. This part of the conversation between Damon and I candidly explores and describes in explicit detail, topics that may be triggering to some and titillating to others. Please listen with an open mind. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I’d like you to consider how listening in on this private conversation that was not intended to be published, makes your feel. What thoughts does it inspire? Judgments? Criticisms? Compassion? As content creators we should take our audience into consideration. Even more so now having to keep Youtube and Instagram algorithms in mind. I would be honored if you would share your experience listening to this conversation. If you are bold enough, do include your thoughts and feelings in a review on apple Podcasts or Spotify. And if you would prefer more privacy, than please email me your input to aziza@azizakibibi.com [aziza@azizakibibi.com] Ok, ok, ok, now lets get into it. Thank you again for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. Please allow me to reintroduce my friend Damon Diddit as he interviews me Aziza Kibibi back in 2012 in preparation for writing my memoir. Ask/Invite/Announcements Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org [http://PreciousLittleLadies.org]. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell. Closing. Whew! That was intense. I'm sure after listening you need a moment to inhale and exhale. Please explore Damon’s work on his his YouTube channel, Damon Diddit [https://youtube.com/damondittit]and his instagram [https://instagram.com/damondiddit]. His cinematic projects are breathtaking and entertaining. Links are in the show notes. Thank you again for listening. Be blessed for you are a blessing. .Music: Epidemic Sound Resources and Offers Sexual abuse, incestuous abuse and domestic violence prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies [https://preciouslittleladies/].org Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast. [https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde] Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages [https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L] Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 [https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1] for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2 *this is an incomplete transcript which includes the intro and closing copy.

In this episode I share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie. Intro Hey, hey, hey. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 7. In this episode I’m going to share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie. Yes, you’ll have to learn to take the good with the bad and get very comfortable with the mindset that there is no such thing as bad publicity. But first I’d like to make you aware that following me on instagram and facebook will give you access to more ideas and information, as well as some good old fashioned entertainment. And subscribing to my youtube channel and my website adds some cherries and whipped cream to the entire dessert that is Aziza Kibibi. Just saying lol. Ok, without further ado, please allow me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with… THE BLOG POST December 14, 2013 [https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-power-of-knowledge.html] THE POWER OF KNOWLEDGE I have one more day in my fall semester at Essex County College [http://www.essex.edu/]. I'm anxious about my grade in my most challenging class; French. I also took African American History II, Biology 101 and Cinema appreciation to go towards fulfilling my communications degree. I'm thinking about things like maintaining my grade point average, and what am I going to do after I graduate. There was a time I never thought I'd have concerns like making it to class in the morning, or getting an assignment submitted on time. And here I am a full fledge college student. I sit in class on some days, distracted by the young adults around me sighing out loud in complaint of the Professor's homework assignment. It was frustrating for the progression of my African American history class to be hindered by students that didn't appreciate the opportunity to get an education. There we were, watching a film on the sacrifices people made to improve the quality of the educational system, and the young people watching were uninterested! I just didn't get it. If they only knew what it was like to want to go to school, and not be allowed to. My father homeschooled me until I was 11. Before he stopped teaching me, he promised that I would go to high-school. I looked forward to the day I'd walk through school doors and sit in a classroom with other students. Well, while under my father's rule, that day never came. By the time I was 14, my dad banned education among me and my siblings all together. Any teaching I did of my brothers and sisters, I did in secret. I had to worry about my father finding worksheets I created for my sisters to practice their handwriting. I got nervous any time he walked in on them reading a book. So when I watched a film in class on Fredrick Douglass, showing him sneaking around to learn to read, I became overwhelmed with emotion. That film and any others like it themed in slavery, connects to my life growing up on so many levels. Therefore it pains me to see others take the opportunity they have to get an education for granted. Learning French gave me a better understanding of English. I've seen the inside of a frog up close and personal. I learned that the free school breakfast my kids eat in the morning, is thanks to a man named Heuy P. Newton [http://www.blackpanther.org/legacytwo.htm]; and instead of just watching a film, I can't help but analyze the editing, cinematography and Mise-en-Scene. I didn't get the chance to walk through school doors and sit in a class room with other students until I was 35 years old. And most of the other students are my daughter's age. I may feel a little uncomfortable when one of these kids wants to give me attitude like I'm their peer, because I'm harshly reminded of my seniority over them. I've even had professors 8 years my junior which is a test in humility in itself. But I'm not embarrassed and I'm not ashamed because I'm using my opportunity to get an education for all it's worth. Better late than never, is what I say. FOOD FOR THOUGHT (THIS TIME IT'S LITERAL): In January, 1969, theFree Breakfast for School Children Programwas initiated at St. Augustine's Church in Oakland by theBlack Panther Party [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Panther_Party]. The Panthers would cook and serve food to the poor inner city youth of the area. Initially run out of a St. Augustine's Church in Oakland, the Program became so popular that by the end of the year, the Panthers set up kitchens in cities across the nation, feeding over 10,000 children every day before they went to school.[1 [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_Breakfast_for_Children#cite_note-Rise-1] SIDEBAR It had been 5 days after the Katie show aired when I wrote that blog post. The day after, I was whisked away at 4am to appear on PIX 11 news. My email, social media and blog inboxes were overflowing with messages that to this day I still haven’t responded to all of them. Sidebar in sidebar: about two years later I found that facebook had folders within your message folder that held messages they screened. Omg, there were so many more offers for interviews that I missed. Whaaaa! Sigh. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yeah, My inboxes were overflowing with messages, I watched the visitor counter on my blog change in coordination with the seconds on the clock. I think for 2013, you could almost say I went viral. And believe me, all of this was welcomed. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the attention I got from guys at school. Many too young for me and some that probably violated school policies considering their position. The semester was nearing it’s end so the inhabitants of the the campus halls started diminishing like leaves on trees during fall in Jersey. I had a couple of class finals left so I was among the remaining students and faculty ushering the semester out. On my way to one of my classes I noticed people staring, pointing and whispering to each other. At first I thought it was in my head then I realized, wait, they must have watched the Katie show. I was waiting for the elevator when two young men walking by saw me doubled back to instead wait along side me. When we got on the elevator, they both told me they saw me on television. I responded politely, not really wanting to talk with strangers in a confined space, and focused on the blinking numbers above the door. But that didn’t stop one of them from asking me for my number and if I had a boyfriend. Thats only one awkward example. It gets worse. After being stopped in the halls over the course of the day with thumbs up, hug requests and behests for pictures from men and women of different ages, I’d gotten used to it and was better prepared for the days ahead. But nothing could prepare me for what happened the following day. Wrapping up their grading for the semester, professors could be found in campus passageways more often than any other time during the semester. I appreciated the silent nods and smiles of encouragement from much of the faculty as I went about my study day. But one smile didn't stop at the creased lines framing a pair of lips. In fact, belonging to a gentlemen which looked to be in his winter years, one smile stopped me completely and introduced himself as an English professor. He offered to buy me coffee to congratulate me on my poise and presentation on the Katie show. Innocent enough right? My class wasn't for another 20 minutes so I didn't see any reason to decline. We chatted about my book, how he would help with editing and ideas on getting it published. We exchanged numbers, I agreed to send him my manuscript draft, It was all good and I took my leave to head to my final. I sent the professor my draft as soon as I got home. Eager to get feedback from someone who seemed well read and actually taught writing, I was more than happy when I got a call from him confirming that he read 4 chapters and would like to meet as soon as possible to discuss further steps. Now here’s where it gets interesting. Instead of meeting at the school like I expected, he asked if we could meet at a diner. Okay I guess. And we met a few days later. During this “meeting” I learned everything from how this man grew up, to how much money he was getting in social security. Which was really curious to me. Why would he be telling me about his income? Then he started going on about him being lonely and wanting a companion. I politely listened telling myself to respect my elders. But when I tried to get back on to the subject of my book, the professor evaded the topic like it was a Jehovah’s witness. Next thing I knew this man was telling me how I would be perfect as his girlfriend and I wouldn’t have to have sex very often. I almost spit out my coffee and nearly choked on it calling for the check. WRITING ADVISE. At 32 chapters and 418 pages, it’s safe to say my book Unashamed a life tainted volumes 1 and 2 was an ambitious undertaking. And compiling and organizing over 30 years of memories and experiences in a creative presentation took a lot of… well…organizing. I had to come up with ways to track changes, structure the story line and finally construct an ending that made sense. I can go on about techniques from how to narrow down a subject matter for an essay, to story boarding for a book trailer. And I will throughout continued episodes. Because it’ll definitely take more than one episode to go over all of them. But for now I have three major tips that are key to organizing a big literary project. Number 1. Aside from some obvious basics like turning on auto save in your word processor, most word processors today have the ability to track edits. I used Mac Pages to write my book, and it has a tool that allows you to to go back to previous versions of your document. Whatever you use, become familiar with this tool and make notes in your calendar the days you make a major change. You never know. 2 weeks from now you could realize that your first idea was better. When my manuscript was at 300 pages and I received some feedback from Todd Komarnicki, the writer of Sully starring Tom Hanks and Perfect Stranger with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, I turned my manuscript inside out. I changed the tense from past to present. I got rid of 2 whole chapters. And I also structured it into volumes which meant I had to write two endings. It was so difficult to keep up with all of these changes. I saved different versions for each major changes and I also had to format my book differently for digital publishing as apposed to print publishing. So, yes there are also different copies for that as well. All these versions on my laptop got kind of confusing. So tip number 2. Get an external hard drive, thumb drive or memory card and save the different versions on it. You’ll have a backup of the versions before you made major changes, and you wont get yourself mixed up between them and the project you’re working on. This also helps with ideas for repurposing your original work. I share more about how to do that in a future episode. And finally tip 3: Computers stop working (knock on wood), hard drives wont mount, and memory cards get lost. Though we all would like to put our faith in these tools without fear or worry, the fact is everything is fallible. Or maybe you aren't in the position to invest in these extra tools or are waiting until it gets shipped to you. Well until then, email your work to yourself. Sure it’s similar to saving it to the cloud, which you can surely do, but emailing it to yourself not only gives you a saved version of your work, its a form of copyright because there’s a time stamp on it. The moral of the story, you want to avoid the possibility of losing your work literally or to so someone else, and you could very well change your mind about changing your mind. Having backups not only protects you and your work, but being able to look back on how you’ve grown is invaluable to the process. OUTRO Hey you, thank you so much for listening to my shameless journey on becoming a self made author. The fact that the subject matter of my book is not commonly palatable make it a great case study. You can say that it’s extreme position on the spectrum of literary subject matter exasperated many challenges that a writer may face. That business with the professor offering help and trying to get something from I wasn’t willing to give in return is only one crazy example of what I contended with. I still find it curious how my openness about the abuse I suffered evoked the most primal natures of males. If you have any theories, do let me in on them by shooting me a note on my website or my social media platforms. I’m Aziza Kibibi everywhere and as usual, links are in the show notes. And in that note, until next time, bel blessed for you are a blessing. Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies [https://preciouslittleladies/].org Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast. [https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde] Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages [https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L] Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 [https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1] for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2 Music: Yomoti, Gunner Johnson and Balm via Epidemic Sounds. "Funky Suspense" by https://Bensounds.com

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published’s 2nd bonus episode. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’d like to use this episode as an opportunity to show my appreciation. My appreciation for you dear listener, for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I mean seriously, there are a lot of podcasts to listen to, television shows to watch, films to enjoy, books to read and you my love, have taken time out of your day to listen to me sharing my shameless journey to becoming a self made author. I’d also like to share my appreciation for Mark Asquath and the Captivate team for being so supportive and encouraging throughout the process of me creating and publishing this podcast. Captivate is the company where my podcast is hosted. I’d like to share sentiments of appreciation for my offspring/cohabitants for being quiet during the 4 hours I’m locked in my room recording. And though it’s often far and in between, I’m especially appreciative for the moments when my neighbors upstairs take a break from their forever project of trying to crash through my ceiling which happens to also be their floor. I really appreciate that. I appreciate my mic, my mixer, my computer and all the tools that I’ve been blessed to be able to purchase to produce this podcast. And I’m especially appreciative to my job and my other businesses that help fund this podcast. But what is appreciation exactly? According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary the definition of appreciation is….a feeling or expression of admiration, approval or gratitude; Judgement, evaluation. But like many other words in the English language, the word appreciation could mean something different depending on who you talk to. For me, appreciation is the conscious acknowledgment of the contribution that someone or something has made to your life. And this conscious acknowledgment comes with a feeling, a vibe that then inspires you to manifest or express to the source of that contribution the feeling you feel, hence showing your appreciation. Unfortunately this apparently doesn’t come easy to everyone. I’m not sure if it’s because people aren’t appreciative or they don’t feel it necessary to show appreciation. But I truly believe that if more people showed others their appreciation of them, there would be less sadness in the world. Let’s face it. No one is on an island alone. And if anyone who is, hello, they didn’t get their by themselves. Before I continue, lets get into a blogpost I wrote December 09, 2013. It’s called, GIVING THANKS I look forward to the holiday season. I love to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and I revel in the smiles that come after someone opens a gift I gave them for Christmas. My father stopped us from celebrating holidays some time ago. I don't even remember exactly when, but I remember controversy between my dad and my mom's family surrounding Christmas, Easter and Kwanzaa every year. When my aunts tried to give me and my siblings Easter baskets, he didn't allow us to except them because he said they purchased them after Easter, when the baskets went on sale. Sometimes I was allowed to keep the toys my extended family gave me for Christmas; that is until my father threw them away before spring the next year. Well, now that I have my own family, I make sure I make up for lost time. My first Christmas after I got my children back from foster care, was especially memorable. I couldn't afford a Christmas tree so I bought a spiral "tree" made up of lights from the supermarket. I spent most of December that year checking the newspaper for community programs that were giving away presents to low income families. I made my way around to four different organization collecting wrapped boxes that said 'boy' or 'girl' so I could make the small space under our vertical light display overflow with boxes with items inside unknown to even me. I was determined to make my children's first Christmas at home with their mother, just like the holiday episodes of popular sitcoms. And I did. The smiles on my children's faces, and the excitement in their voices, made me feel like the best mother in the world. The effect that their response had on me the first Christmas I created for my family, motivates and will continue to motivate me every year. And yeah I know there was conflict on the first Thanksgiving day, and there's confusion about what day Christ was born on; but the tradition of cooking food, cleaning house, planning outfits, shopping for presents, and decorating a tree, all for the people that are most important to me; well...just makes the logistics about dates and origin seem unimportant. I love to watch my children enjoy the fruits of my labor and I adore when my family wears or uses something that I gave them. I, pray for the Native American souls that were taken during the first Thanksgiving, just like I acknowledge the celebration of the day that Christ was born. But the most important thing to me is being able to appreciate and celebrate the holidays in my own home (and sometimes at grandmas house) surrounded by my children. And for that, I am truly grateful. OUTRO Many of us live day to day doing things that impact the lives of others in a positive way, but will never know or hear about it. As spiritual beings having a human experience we live on a planet with billions of other people. As much as the most antisocial introvert can claim to not care or need energy, attention or acknowledgment from another human being, it’s simply not how we are designed to thrive. It’s simply not how we are designed to THRIVE. We need the energy of others to function PROPERLY. We crave the confirmation that we matter to someone. We are energy vibrating at different rates and energy has to move, it has to transfer, it has to affect and is effected. Some of us need grand gestures to know they matter and others of us are very content with a thank you. However you do it, show your appreciation to someone that contributed to your life. I know this episode wasn’t much about publishing. Well not directly. I tell you what. Here’s a little advise on publishing. Remember to show yourself appreciation by reading, watching or listening to your own work and audibly commend yourself on taking the initiative to share yourself with the world. Good job. And if you want to learn more about anything I share here, please follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and there are more links to resources in the show notes. Now on that note, I’m Aziza Kibibi and until next time, be blessed for your are certainly a blessing. Most Music and effects: Epidemic Sound Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies [https://preciouslittleladies/].org Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast. [https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde] Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages [https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L] Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 [https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1] for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2