When You Can't Fix It: Finding Grace in Grief (Ep 140)

When You Can't Fix It: Finding Grace in Grief (Ep 140)

Most of us think of grief as something that happens after a death. But grief shows up in many forms throughout our lives: during caregiving, health challenges, major transitions, changing identities, estranged relationships, unrealized dreams, and even positive life changes.  In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with Dr. Larey Swanson, an integrative health and wellness coach, physician, and grief circle facilitator, about the many ways loss and grief shape our lives. Drawing from both professional expertise and deeply personal experiences, including the loss of both parents, caregiving, and supporting a child through a life-altering illness, Larey offers a compassionate and expansive view of grief.  Together, they explore anticipatory grief, ambiguous loss, disenfranchised grief, and the myth that grief follows a predictable timeline. They discuss why grief cannot be fixed, the importance of being witnessed rather than advised, and how community, ritual, and meaning-making can help us navigate life's most difficult transitions.  Whether you're grieving, caregiving, supporting someone you love, or simply preparing for the realities of being human, this conversation offers wisdom, validation, and hope.  In this episode, we discuss:  • Why grief is much broader than death and bereavement  • Anticipatory grief and grieving losses before they happen  • Ambiguous loss and caregiving for loved ones with dementia or Alzheimer's  • Disenfranchised grief and the losses society often minimizes  • Why grief and gratitude can coexist  • The myth of closure and the myth of a grief timeline  • How grief affects both mind and body  • The healing power of grief circles and community support  • Meaning-making as a pathway through loss  • Practical ways to care for yourself while grieving  • How to support someone who is grieving without trying to fix them  Resources and Mentions  Dr. Larey Swanson’s company website, Grief Circle information, and newsletter sign-up:   Achieve Health & Wellness Coaching https://www.achievehealthandwellnesscoaching.com/ [https://www.achievehealthandwellnesscoaching.com/]  Larey’s LinkedIn profile: https://www.linkedin.com/in/larey-swanson-889822146/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/larey-swanson-889822146/]    Book recommendation: Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss (paid link) https://amzn.to/4dNS6EN [https://amzn.to/4dNS6EN]   Book recommendation: The Myth of Closure by Pauline Boss (paid link)  https://amzn.to/4dNS6EN [https://amzn.to/4dNS6EN]   Website: Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University: https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/ [https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/]     About Larey Swanson, MD:   Larey Swanson holds an M.D. from the University of Minnesota and has worked as a medical researcher, writer, integrative provider, and integrative health and wellness coach.   Her work experience combined with her personal healthcare journey has impassioned her to believe that health and wellness coaching is the missing link toward wellness in our system today.   She has personally encountered the benefits of a holistic view of health and believes that integrative health and wellness coaching combined with a focus on lifestyle medicine and behavior change expertise can cultivate the physical and mental wellness we all crave.  Through her business, Achieve Health and Wellness Coaching, Larey offers virtual grief circles, one-on-one coaching, and educational resources for individuals navigating loss, grief, caregiving, and major life transitions.

“ She’s Just Not Herself ”: When It’s More Than Forgetfulness (A Dementia Conversation) EP139

In this deeply informative and compassionate conversation, Kathy sits down with gerontologist, educator, and advocate Donna Fedus to talk about aging, dementia, caregiving, and the emotional realities families face as loved ones experience cognitive change. Donna helps unpack the often-confusing language around dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, mild cognitive impairment, and caregiving, while offering practical guidance for adult children, spouses, and caregivers trying to navigate difficult decisions with empathy and clarity. Together, Kathy and Donna explore: - The difference between normal aging and concerning cognitive changes - Why dementia is a broad umbrella term (Alzheimer’s is only one possible cause) - Reversible causes of dementia symptoms, including UTIs and medication interactions - How to recognize early warning signs - The emotional toll and stigma caregivers often face - Why connection, music, purpose, and emotional understanding still matter deeply - How caregivers can broaden their “care circle” and ask for support - The guilt many families feel around changing living situations or memory care - Why education and communication can make caregiving feel less overwhelming Donna also shares hopeful perspectives on brain health, cognitive reserve, and the importance of seeing people with dementia as whole people who are still reachable, meaningful, and deserving of connection. This episode is an essential listen for anyone caring for aging parents, worrying about cognitive decline, or trying to better understand what compassionate caregiving can look like. Resources Mentioned - Alzheimer’s Association-https://www.alz.org/ - Alzheimer’s Foundation of America-https://alzfdn.org/ eldercare.gov-https://eldercare.acl.gov/home - Area Agencies on Aging Donna’s company: Borrow My Glasses-https://borrowmyglasses.com/ Donna’s “WOOP” Groups for Caregivers -https://borrowmyglasses.com/product/woop-group/ * Borrow My Glasses Catalog for talks and workshops you can bring into your organization or conference: https://borrowmyglasses.com/resource-list/ [https://borrowmyglasses.com/resource-list/]  About Donna Fedus Donna Fedus is a gerontologist, educator, and advocate who has spent more than three decades helping people better understand aging, dementia, caregiving, and brain health. Through her organization, Borrow My Glasses, Donna works with organizations, professionals, caregivers, and families to build compassion, practical skills, and confidence around aging and cognitive change. * Donna’s LinkedIn Profile: https://www.linkedin.com/in/donna-fedus/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/donna-fedus/]  * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/borrowmyglasses/ [https://www.instagram.com/borrowmyglasses/]

What if You Could Take a Midlife Gap Year (or just act like it)? (Ep 138)

What happens when the life you carefully built suddenly no longer fits?  This week on Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with novelist Lindsey Goldstein about reinvention, creativity, and the courage to start over in midlife. Lindsey’s debut novel, The Gap Year, follows Jane, a 46-year-old woman whose life unravels almost overnight: her daughter leaves for a traditional gap year abroad, her husband announces he’s leaving the marriage, and her career reaches a breaking point. In response, Jane does something wildly out of character: she boards a plane to Ecuador to pursue a decades-old dream of climbing Cotopaxi, one uncertain step at a time.  But Lindsey’s own story mirrors many of the themes in the novel.  An established physical therapist, Lindsey explored her hobby of writing seriously at 39, publishing essays in outlets including The New York Times Modern Love. Along the way, she wrote two unpublished novels before finally finding success with her third manuscript. In this conversation, she opens up about persistence, rejection, self-doubt, creative identity, and what it means to pursue a dream later in life.  Kathy and Lindsey also explore:  * Why reinvention often requires action before confidence   * The hidden business side of becoming a published author   * Balancing creativity, motherhood, work, and ambition   * The growing demand for stories centered on women in their 40s and 50s   * How Ecuador became both the setting and emotional heartbeat of The Gap Year   * Productivity, deadlines, and learning how you work best   * The challenge of claiming a new identity, even after success   Whether you’re contemplating a leap, rediscovering yourself after years of caregiving, or wondering if it’s “too late” to try something new, this conversation is a reminder that reinvention rarely arrives fully planned. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is begin before you feel ready.    Resources and Mentions  Buy Gap Year on Amazon (paid link): https://amzn.to/4dooYE4 [https://amzn.to/4dooYE4]     Follow Lindsey:   Website: https://www.lindseygoldsteinauthor.com  Instagram: @goldsteinlindsey  Substack: lindseygoldstein.substack.com [https://lindseygoldstein.substack.com/]  TikTok: @lindseygoldsteinauthor    About Lindsey Goldstein  Lindsey Goldstein is a writer who started with essays on love and parenting, published in The New York Times, Sunlight Press, Chicago Story Press, and more. Her debut novel Gap Year, published in 2026 by Egret Lake Books, a story of self-discovery, reinvention, and courage.   Writing the book was inspired in many ways by her own life when the pandemic impact ground her career as a physical therapist to a halt, and as motherhood became her primary focus, and she faced questions about who she was and wanted to become. Lindsey lives with her family in Southern California.

Pivot & Pinot: Reinventing Your Life When the Dream Doesn’t Fit (Ep 137)

What happens when your “dream life” stops feeling like your right life?  In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy sits down with Danielle Frank, whose career path reads like a movie script: Hollywood publicity at Miramax, global travel, hobnobbing with celebrities.   But beneath the glamour were pivotal moments of clarity: a toxic job that triggered daily dread, a relationship that looked perfect on the outside but felt misaligned on the inside, and a long-held dream of writing that stayed dormant for over a decade.  Danielle shares how she learned to recognize the “pit in your stomach” as a signal, not something to ignore, and how embracing life pivots (even the scary ones) led her to a more authentic, fulfilling path. She walked away without a safety net (terrified, but confident it was the right choice) to a “just for now” job with luxury wine and spirits brands like Bacardi and Moët Hennessy that has turned into the dream she didn’t know she could have. (Clink the Veuve Clicquot!)  And now she’s re-awakening the dormant writer inside, publishing her first book in her 50’s, her story is a powerful reminder that change isn’t failure. It’s evolution.  The conversation also explores redefining fulfillment, especially for women whose lives don’t follow traditional timelines around marriage and motherhood, and how creativity, storytelling, and even humor can become meaningful outlets for impact.  Key Takeaways:  The “pit in your stomach” is data, not drama. That persistent dread is often your clearest signal that something is misaligned, whether it’s a job, relationship, or life path.  Pivots are not failures. They’re transitions to the right path.  Every major shift Danielle made (career, geography, relationships) became a steppingstone, not a step backwards.  Transferable skills matter more than industry labels. Her throughline wasn’t entertainment or wine. It was storytelling, which made reinvention possible.  You can outgrow a life that once fit you perfectly.  Dream jobs and relationships can still become wrong over time, and that doesn’t invalidate what they once were.  Fulfillment isn’t one-size-fits-all. A meaningful, joyful life can exist outside traditional expectations like marriage and motherhood.  It’s never too late to resurrect a creative dream. A book written 14 years earlier became a reality in her 50’s. Timing doesn’t negate value.    Resources & Links  Danielle’s book: A Wine Lover’s Guide to Parenting https://amzn.to/3Qpz6ob [https://amzn.to/3Qpz6ob] (ad link)   Website: https://daniellefrankauthor.com/  Instagram: @createagreatstory   About Danielle Frank  Danielle Frank is a brand-building executive in the luxury wine and spirits industry, with experience at Bacardi and Moët Hennessy. A lifelong storyteller, she recently published A Wine Lover’s Guide to Parenting, a humorous, rhyming “adult children’s book” blending wine terminology with life lessons about raising good humans. Through 11 playful lessons, the book draws clever parallels between wine terminology and parenting truths, delivering both laughs and light wine education along the way.

Designing Your Second (or Third!) Act (Ep 136)

In this solo episode, Kathy reflects on the difference between a bold midlife leap and the quieter, more common reality: the midlife pivot. Drawing from her work as a career coach and resume writer, she walks listeners through how to rethink the future of work in their 40s and 50s without blowing up their entire life.  Kathy introduces three powerful pathways for designing what comes next: niche expertise, commitment to service, and portfolio careers. Through real client stories and personal experience, she shares how to identify your transferable skills, uncover strengths you may be overlooking, and begin shaping a future that fits your energy, values, and season of life.  This episode explores how midlife career change is more often about pivoting than leaping, and how burnout, life changes, and shifting priorities can spark that pivot. Helping people identify their transferable skills and where their gifts align with what organizations need is key to how Kathy works with people to help them envision what comes next.   If you’ve been wondering, “What now?” this episode offers a practical, encouraging place to start.  If this episode sparked something for you or got you thinking about someone you care about, consider reaching out. Kathy offers free consultations and loves helping people explore what might come next.  Key Takeaways  Most midlife change is a pivot, not a leap. Big reinventions get attention (and podcast episodes!), but most people are simply looking for a shift that better fits who they are now.  Even with 20-30 years behind you, you might have 10–20 working years left, and that changes the equation.  Your strengths are hiding in plain sight. The things you’re best at often feel “easy,” which makes them easy to overlook, but they’re highly valuable, and there are strategies you can use to find yours.  It may feel counterintuitive, but narrowing your focus can expand your opportunities. Getting specific about what you do best opens more doors than staying broad.  You don’t have to figure it out alone. A thought partner can help surface patterns, challenge assumptions, and unlock new directions.  Resources and Mentions  Book a free 20-minute consultation with Kathy to explore her services:   https://calendly.com/kathyvines/20-minute-consultation-with-kathy [https://calendly.com/kathyvines/20-minute-consultation-with-kathy]     About Kathy Vines  Kathy Vines is a Certified Career Coach, Certified Professional Resume Writer, and a former HR professional who is now in her second act career. She’s the host of “Surfing the Quicksand” a podcast helping midlife women get unstuck.