3. The Apology Reflex

3. The Apology Reflex

Season 2, Episode 3: “You Apologise For Existing” You apologise before you ask a question. You apologise when someone bumps into you. You apologise for taking too long, talking too much, needing something, wanting something, or simply being in the room. If you grew up in an unpredictable environment while also being neurodivergent, apologising can become much more than politeness. This episode explores how the apology reflex develops through survival learning, autistic rule-based social processing, ADHD impulsive guilt cycles, and chronic self-abandonment. Helen breaks down why “just stop apologising” is genuinely ineffective advice, why the reflex is often trying to reduce anxiety rather than express remorse, and how reassurance-seeking can quietly keep the cycle alive long after the original threat has gone. Resources mentioned:Joseph LeDoux on threat processing and the amygdalaDaniel Kahneman’s System 1 processing modelRussell Barkley on ADHD behavioural inhibitionResearch on behavioural conditioning and anxiety reduction Go deeper:The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores the behavioural psychology behind coping behaviours in more depth, including why removing a behaviour without replacing its function often makes anxiety worse rather than better. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe [https://helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

2. Am I Overreacting?

You replay conversations for hours. You ask other people if your feelings make sense. You know your reaction feels too big, except sometimes it turns out it wasn’t big enough at all. If you grew up in a toxic environment while also having a neurodivergent nervous system, there are specific reasons why emotional calibration becomes so difficult. This episode breaks down what actually happens when ADHD emotional dysregulation, autistic processing differences, alexithymia, and chronic emotional invalidation collide. Because the real question often isn’t “Am I overreacting?” It’s “What happened to me that made trusting myself feel impossible?” Resources mentioned: Russell Barkley on ADHD emotional dysregulation Research on emotional invalidation and interoception Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions The Feelings Wheel (Geoffrey Roberts) Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores the neuroscience of emotional dysregulation in ADHD and autistic nervous systems in much more depth, including why standard emotional regulation advice often fails for neurodivergent processing styles. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe [https://helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

1. You Don't Know What You Actually Feel

Someone asks how you feel and you deliver a flawless twelve-minute analysis of everyone else’s motivations. Or you say “fine.” Or you get nothing at all, just a blank where the answer should be. If you grew up in a toxic family and your brain is wired differently, there are specific, mechanical reasons why identifying your own emotions is so difficult. This episode takes that apart. Helen explains the three layers that stack on top of each other to produce this: alexithymia (a processing difference found at significantly higher rates in autistic and ADHD populations), trained emotional suppression from growing up in an environment where having feelings was punished, and the maintenance cycle that keeps the whole thing running on autopilot. She covers the research (Kinnaird, Stewart & Tchanturia on alexithymia prevalence in autism; Donfrancesco et al. on ADHD; Murphy & Brewer on interoception and emotional awareness) and explains why the standard advice doesn’t work for non-standard brains. The Rewire section offers four sequential strategies designed for brains that forget things, find social scripts impossible, or don’t process internal experience visually: body-state check-ins, pattern mapping, retroactive emotional identification, and vocabulary expansion. With specific adaptations for ADHD and autistic processing. This episode is first in the season because everything else depends on it. Resources mentioned: Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions [https://www.6seconds.org/2025/02/06/plutchik-wheel-emotions/] The Feelings Wheel [https://feelingswheel.com/](Geoffrey Roberts) Go deeper: The companion episode of Is This A Thing? takes the interoception piece from today’s episode and goes much further: how interoception works and doesn’t, why it presents differently in ADHD versus autistic brains, and what to do about it when standard body-based approaches assume a type of processing you don’t have. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works. aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe [https://helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

40. Is It Autism or Trauma? (Replay)

This week we're replaying one of our listeners' favourite episodes in which Patrick asks, is it autism or trauma? When we’ve grown up in chaos, it can be hard to untangle our trauma from who we truly are. In this episode, Patrick explores the tangled web of trust, identity, and survival after a lifetime shaped by narcissistic abuse - and a recent autism diagnosis that’s reframed everything. As he sits down with Helen, we witness a moving conversation about how trauma disguises itself in our thoughts, how autism and trauma intertwine, and how addiction can become a clever - if costly - coping mechanism. Together, they unpack people-pleasing, perfectionism, emotional disconnection, and the shame that lingers long after the abuse ends. This is an episode about rebuilding from the rubble, reclaiming joy, and learning to trust yourself again. If you would like to be a guest on The Liberation Effect, you can apply for one of our limited therapeutic sessions recorded for the podcast. Your identity is fully protected, and only twelve sessions are published each year: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/recorded-session-application/ Grow, connect and thrive with The Hub: ⁠⁠https://liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe [https://helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

39. Leaving With No Resources

In this solo episode, Helen responds to a listener who feels at breaking point in a relationship shaped by chronic stress, emotional withdrawal and fear. With two young children in the home, she explores the weight of being expected to absorb a partner’s distress, manage the emotional atmosphere, and question your own character for reacting to behaviour that feels unsafe. Losing patience is often framed as a personal failing, but this episode challenges that belief directly, reframing it as a signal that boundaries have been crossed for too long. Helen unpacks the difference between explanation and excuse, especially when stress is used to justify shutting down, lashing out or emotionally disappearing. She speaks to the impact on children, the danger of walking on eggshells, and how childhood trauma can make people more likely to self blame rather than name harm. The episode also addresses financial fear, preparation rather than panic, and the importance of protecting emotional safety without minimising reality. This is a compassionate exploration of accountability, patterns, and the right to stop tolerating what hurts. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe [https://helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]