The Lie Incels and Looksmaxxers Are Trying to Sell You

Polyamory Won't Fix Your Relationship, but It Sure Will Expose It

What happens when people open a relationship without unpacking everything monogamy taught them first? In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell sit down with Kristen VanKlootwyk, psychotherapist and co-creator of The Non Monogamy Card Game, to talk about the communication that doesn't always happen in poly relationships…but really should. Then, they discuss two struggling Redditors: one man who's struggling to find dates when his wife isn't, and a woman who said yes to opening a relationship to make her husband happy, but now she's miserable. Highlights of the episode: * How you can improve your relationship communication with The Non-Monogamy Card Game * Healthy communication in poly relationships will help you gain a Jedi-like sense of self-awareness * Why polyamory isn't just about balancing multiple relationships, but also your self-care and personal needs * Old people are getting busy, and that's GREAT 😉 * A loving reminder of what boundaries are, and why it's your job to enforce them Polyamorous or monogamous, communication, emotional processing, and boundary setting are all necessary skills to build relationships that work for everyone involved. So open up your notes app and get ready for all the resources, gentle reminders, and nerdy metaphors you need to create relationships that truly bring you joy. Who is Kristen VanKlootwyk, and what is The Non Monogamy Card Game? Kristen VanKlootwyk is a psychotherapist who, along with their good friend Ayala, set out to create a resource to help friends and clients ask the right questions and engage with their partners to build strong poly relationships. After developing 150 foundational and developmental questions, they released The Non Monogamy Card Game as a versatile resource to help guide and facilitate meaningful conversations. Time Stamps 00:00 - Introducing Dr. Liz, Harris, and Kristen 01:25 - Addressing the hate comments 03:57 - What is The Non Monogamy Card Game? 06:50 - Expectations of polyamory vs the reality 08:15 - Jealousy vs compersion and emotional processing 12:10 - Late-stage capitalism and changing relationship structures 13:38 - Neurodivergence and geek culture in non-traditional relationships 16:56 - Scheduling and emotional labor in polyamory 18:55 - The most important relationship questions people forget to ask 24:00 - The importance of communication in any relationship structure 26:51 - Cultural conditioning around monogamy 29:03 - Ageism, fatphobia, and stereotypes in poly communities 33:35 - Insecurity in opening relationships 39:14 - Reddit story #1: a man struggles to find dates when his wife doesn't 41:54 - Why women are hesitant to date men 45:12 - Connect with people in the non-monogamy community 47:20 - How to bring up that you're poly in a conversation 54:01 - Why do you want to try polyamory? 01:00:51 - Slow dating might help build better connections 01:06:11 - What is being poly about? 01:09:58 - Reddit story #2: my husband is poly, but I don't think I am 01:16:31 - Love has nothing to do with compatibility 01:19:04 - Attachment wounds, boundaries, and acceptance 01:26:00 - It's okay to grow apart 01:29:40 - How willing are you to accept reality? 01:51:44 - What is a boundary? 01:57:36 - Where to find The Non Monogamy Card Game 01:58:37 - Where to find Harris and Dr. Liz Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ [https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/] 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social [https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social] 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod [https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod] 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod [http://facebook.com/doaswesaypod] ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod [https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod]

How the Manosphere Feeds the Ego, but Starves the Soul

Have you ever met someone with a punchable face…and even more punchable opinions? In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell endure the pain of hearing from a man who claims celibacy taught him that he's "too smart to find love," and though he comes close, he never actually considers the problems might just be…him. Reading The Telegraph's article from the man himself, Mattha Busby, they break down his actual problems in finding love (spoiler alert: it's him), what might actually help him, and offer up new perspectives on what "intelligence," "cleverness," and "wit" actually entail. Highlights of the episode: * A men's group that makes you make vows with an axe?? * Dr. Liz and Harris' first pop culture crushes (kids today just don't understand) * Knowing who David Bowie is isn't a sign of intelligence If you're a smarty-pants and you want to get into other smarty-pants' pants, then this episode is for you! Dr. Liz and Harris share how to actually find folks whose interests align with yours, without being a major jerk in the process. Time Stamps 00:00 - Intro and Doc Holliday shout-out 01:20 - The article: "Celibacy Taught Me I'm Too Clever to Find Love" 03:00 - Red flags and a punchable face 05:50 - Education ≠ intelligence 10:45 - "My girlfriends were hot but dumb" 🤢 14:00 - Being witty vs being an asshole 17:30 - Treating women as interchangeable roles 20:00 - Finding a wife vs building a partnership 23:30 - The illusion of intellectual superiority 26:30 - Why people don't text back 29:00 - What are you actually offering in a relationship? 33:00 - Cleverness as a defense mechanism 36:00 - Performance vs real conversation 40:00 - Attraction is socially conditioned 54:00 - Curiosity vs judgment 1:00:00 - You're a soggy saltine 1:14:00 - Conclusion and where to find us Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ [https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/] 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social [https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social] 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod [https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod] 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod [http://facebook.com/doaswesaypod] ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod [https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod]

Why Every Body Benefits from Accessible Adult Toys w/ Step Tranovich

There have been a lot of advancements in the adult toy industry over the last ten years, so why are toys for men and AMAB folks still stuck in the dark ages? In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Dr. Liz Powell and Harris O'Malley are joined by Step (they/them), founder of the gender-explosive adult toy company, Cute Little Fkers, to talk about affirming adult toys for queer folks, why toys for AMAB folks have so much room to grow, and how creating more accessible toys is a good thing for everyone. You don't want to miss: * How Cute Little Fkers changed Kickstarter (for the better)! * How toxic masculinity makes boring adult toys * A fun story on how their toys can be hidden in plain sight * How and where to consensually spank Step 😉 It doesn't matter what's in your pants, what size or shape of body you have, or how able-bodied you are; you deserve toys that feel good and affirm your experience and identity! If you're ready to kick boring toys, shame, and stigma to the curb, you'll love this episode. Who is Step? Step (they/them) founded Cute Little Fkers in 2019 to create cute, accessible adult toys for trans and queer folks. Today, they have a range of toys that are inclusive, body-friendly, and downright adorable to help folks of all genders, sexualities, and identities explore pleasure without shame, dysphoria, or rigid gender expectations. Time Stamps 00:00 - Intro & Welcome Step with Cute Little Fkers 01:35 - What is Cute Little Fkers 03:50 - Disability, career shifts, and building a queer sex toy company 04:40 - The first adult toy campaign on Kickstarter 09:26 - "Gender neutral" vs "gender explosive" 10:43 - 1st Reddit post: r/MTF 13:05 - Why AMAB toys are aesthetically nightmarish 15:00 - Masculinity, shame, and toys for men and AMAB folks 19:03 - Why trans-inclusive toy design matters 22:43 - Step's toy recommendations and toy design philosophy 28:16 - PSA: don't buy your toys from Wildflower 30:55 - Why AMAB-focused toys have fallen behind 32:52 - Furries are holding the internet together 35:00 - Why AMAB folks deserve more pleasure exploration 38:38 - Why men may struggle with receiving pleasure 44:17 - 2nd Reddit post: r/S**Toys 46:00 - Accessibility tools and adaptive toys 57:10 - Breaking the "design binary" in adult toys 01:00:04 - Surviving fascism through queer joy and pleasure 01:02:28 - Where to find Cute Little Fkers 01:05:48 - Where to Find Dr. Liz and Dr. Nerdlove Connect with Step and Cute Little Fkers: 🌐 Website: https://cutelittlefuckers.com/ [https://cutelittlefuckers.com/] 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cutelittlefkers/ [https://www.instagram.com/cutelittlefkers/] 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CuteLittleFkers/ [https://www.facebook.com/CuteLittleFkers/] Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ [https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/] 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social [https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social] 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod [https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod] 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod [http://facebook.com/doaswesaypod] ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod [https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod]

The Lie Incels and Looksmaxxers Are Trying to Sell You

Looksmaxxing promises a simple solution: get hotter, get laid. So why are so many men following it…and still miserable? In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell explore the ugly, uglier, and ugliest sides of the looksmaxxing incel communities that, unfortunately, are no longer niche corners on the internet. They break down the origins of the incel and looksmaxxing communities, why it's gaining popularity, and how this line of thinking only leads to a harmful separation of sex and humanity. They dig into: * There is nothing you can do to guarantee romance or success in dating (and that's okay!) * How looksmaxxing is more about status with other men than appealing to women * The role of shame, unprocessed grief, and the just-world fallacy * Attraction isn't math (it's actually just phrenology) * What you can do to actually be more attractive to women! So put down the hammer, say no to drugs, and take it from people who aren't trying to sell you something: the only thing you need for happy, fulfilling romantic relationships is a personality (and a killer stroganoff recipe wouldn't hurt, either). Time Stamps 00:00 - Intro & Clavicular update and context 04:16 - What is looksmaxxing (and why it's everywhere) 05:43 - The origins and rise of looksmaxxing 13:17 - The determinism and lack of accountability in this community 16:48 - Entitlement to women's bodies and sexual access 20:28 - Broken generational promises 29:13 - Gen Z's obsession with gooning 32:00 - Reducing your own humanity with the "Sexual Market Value" scale 36:16 - Softmaxxing vs hardmaxxing 37:17 - The harm steroids and meth can cause 41:25 - How Clavicular embodies the grift and attention economy 44:48 - The white supremacist origins of looksmaxxing ideals 48:10 - Why this is actually about male approval 54:13 - Sex for status rather than pleasure 58:38 - Why women aren't attracted to looksmaxxers 01:02:17 - Looks don't equate to sexual satisfaction 01:05:41 - The endless grind of looking "perfect" 01:12:28 - Why that mindset will leave you feeling like nothing is ever enough 01:19:45 - What these men actually want 01:22:14 - What these men could have instead 01:22:30 - Actual dating advice 01:25:59 - Where you can find Dr. Liz and Harris Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ [https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/] 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social [https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social] 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod [https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod] 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod [http://facebook.com/doaswesaypod] ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod [https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod]

Why Does Fashion Have Gender Anyway - W/ Rae Hill

Is it still "support" if you're trying to change how your partner expresses and explores their gender? In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell are joined by the talented Rae Hill, a nonbinary advocate, educator, designer, and founder of Origami Customs. Together, they read two Reddit posts about gender exploration, fashion, attraction, and what it actually means to support your partner during a transition…spoiler: it's not turning them into your personal makeover project. Highlights of the episode: * Binders, gaffs, and gender-affirming clothing 101 * A relationship that's somehow 80% "just friends" but still dating? * A rant about how boxy, beige, and boring "androgynous" clothes are * A reminder that gender-affirming care is for everyone! If you've ever felt weird in your clothes, frustrated by gendered fashion, or you know someone who could use you as their hype person, this one's for you. And as a reminder, don't be afraid to put on the damn skirt! Who is Rae Hill? Rae Hill (they/them) is a nonbinary advocate and educator. They founded Origami Customs, a community advocacy program and clothing line for folks of all genders, bodies, and abilities. Origami Customs creates custom gender-affirming garments and works with organizations worldwide to provide free gaffs, binders, and education to people facing access barriers. Time Stamps 00:00 - Welcome to Do As We Say, Not As They Did 01:33 - Episode guest: Rae Hill, founder of Origami Customs 02:17 - What is Origami Customs 04:00 - Binders, gaffs, and gender affirming garments 05:13 - Binding and tucking safety 13:22 - Gender affirming care is for everyone 17:30 - Reddit post #1: "My partner is genderfluid, and their fashion sense is stressful" 24:32 - The pronoun choices are telling 26:09 - Attraction, transphobia, and respectability politics 30:53 - Let someone love this person properly 39:07 - The fear of losing relationships when you come out as trans 42:09 - Why does it matter what your partner wears? 48:07 - Hype your partner up! 56:31 - Update: they're still together, but the plot thickens 59:12 - Why trans community and mentorship matter 01:01:15 - Reddit Post #2: "Why are androgynous clothes so boring?" 01:02:01 - Why does androgynous usually mean thin, white, and male? 01:09:14 - Gendered clothing categories make no sense 01:15:36 - Limited gender expression hurts everyone 01:21:12 - Fascism and fashion 01:26:31 - Ethical queer fashion, clothing costs, and censorship 01:33:01 - Where to find Rae, Harris, and Liz Connect with Rae and Origami Customs: https://origamicustoms.com/ [https://origamicustoms.com/] https://www.instagram.com/origamicustoms/ [https://www.instagram.com/origamicustoms/] https://www.youtube.com/@origamicustoms [https://www.youtube.com/@origamicustoms] https://www.facebook.com/origamicustoms [https://www.facebook.com/origamicustoms] Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ [https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/] 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social [https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social] 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod [https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod] 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod [http://facebook.com/doaswesaypod] ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod [https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod]