Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

In the past few episodes, I’ve talked about keeping in touch with friends through the digital space. This episode goes a step further: how do you MAKE friends online? Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society [https://mindedsociety.com/], which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances.  We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website [https://mindedsociety.com/memberships/]. Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world. In this episode you’ll hear about: * The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of loneliness * What Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the world * The importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.) * Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundaries Resources & Links Listen to Episode 127 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-data-to-manage-the-friendship-mental-load-with/id1650876530?i=1000706795064&l=vi] about calling your friends and Episode 24 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-the-marco-polo-app-helped-create-an-epic/id1650876530?i=1000608772316&l=vi] about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots [https://alexalexander.com/category/friendship/roots/] framework. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Are online friends REAL friends?  I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are. In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support. At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world. In this episode you’ll hear about: * How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley Stroupe * Where online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media) * Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from them * Common concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet? Resources & Links Listen to Episode 25 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-real-pain-of-friendship-break-ups-with-patrice-poltzer/id1650876530?i=1000609787026] with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/actionable-ways-to-build-the-connections-you-need-in/id1650876530?i=1000629502573] with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/crafting-connections-in-small-towns-and-virtual/id1650876530?i=1000651414754] with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-making-friends-can-help-you-make-the-big-life/id1650876530?i=1000626311539] with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-with-connection/id1650876530?i=1000586558047] and 7 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-build-meaningful-relationships-beyond-just-catching/id1650876530?i=1000588311698] with Alex Friedman. Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-parasocial-relationships-as-a-bridge-for-real/id1650876530?i=1000708576674] about parasocial relationships! Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

The term ‘parasocial relationship’ was coined in the 1950s by American sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl to describe how people connected with TV personalities at the time.  Today, parasocial relationships have expanded to include celebrities, influencers, athletes – even podcast hosts! Social media in particular has taken parasocial relationships to a new level; it blows my mind how much I know about some people I’ve never met.  In this episode, I talk all about the parasocial phenomenon: the positive and negative attributes to parasocial relationships, why we reach for them, and how they’re impacting our real (two-sided) connections. Parasocial relationships aren't inherently good or bad. They're just part of modern reality. They’re not going anywhere. So instead of judging them, maybe it’s time we get intentional about them. How can we use parasocial connections as a bridge to community rather than replacement for it? In this episode you’ll hear about: * Stats to consider: 51 percent of Americans have parasocial relationships but only 16 percent actually acknowledge they’re in one * How social media changed parasocial relationships, giving us more behind-the-scene access and real-time updates about the people we follow * The emotional energy we invest in parasocial relationships and how they can impact real-life friendships, causing relationship distortion * How parasocial relationships can fill emotional needs, reduce stigma, provide behavioral modeling, and form communities in marginalized groups Resources & Links Listen to Episode 104 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/getting-less-passive-and-more-active-on-podcasts/id1650876530?i=1000676946571] with Sharon Walters about how to get less passive and more active on podcasts and social media; Episode 91 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-stop-dreading-parties-and-take-charge-of/id1650876530?i=1000665444282], about how to stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience; Episode 38 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/third-places-bringing-living-rooms-back-to-our-communities/id1650876530?i=1000621746399] and Episode 39 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/take-action-reviving-third-places-and-walkable/id1650876530?i=1000622504707], about third places; and Episode 127 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/using-data-to-manage-the-friendship-mental-load-with/id1650876530?i=1000706795064], which is about calling your friends. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

When was the last time you just called a friend because you wanted to talk? We carry these super computers in our pockets, but sometimes, using them to stay in touch feels more complicated than ever. There are some people we can ring spontaneously. Others require multiple rounds of scheduling. This episode is about the gap between wanting to stay connected and actually doing it. Today’s guest Mark Houghton, doesn’t just relate to this problem; he decided to solve it by creating the SoonCall app, which tracks connections and reminds you when it’s time to reach out.  Here, Mark and I dive into the complexities of staying in touch. What I love most about our conversation? Mark has normalized something we’ve all been feeling guilty about: the mental load of maintaining modern friendships, and how some of us need a little extra help. Intrigued by SoonCall? Mark has created a special offer for Friendship IRL listeners with six months of free access to SoonCall [https://sooncall.com/alex] pro.  In this episode you’ll hear about: * How the SoonCall app was created out of Mark’s own personal need to manage long-distance friendships * Features of SoonCall, from tracking calls to reminding us of birthdays and important dates * Having open conversations with our friends about how they feel about different kinds of connection, including spontaneous calls * Using SoonCall and other tools as ways to support (not replace!) personal interactions * The exclusive SoonCall offer [https://sooncall.com/alex] for Friendship IRL listeners: six months of free access to SoonCall Pro Resources & Links More on friendship goals: listen to Episode 23 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-im-approaching-my-5-friendship-goals-of-2023/id1650876530?i=1000607683498], where I talked about my personal friendship goals, or Episode 60 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/friendship-goals-why-theyre-important-and-how-to-make-them/id1650876530?i=1000641290743], where I dive into why friendship goals matter and how to make them. Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World [https://www.amazon.com/Good-Friends-Bonds-Change-World/dp/1538766620] by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity [https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Me-Who-You-Are/dp/0525541128], which she wrote with Winona Guo. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Sometimes friendship can be a powerful force for social and political change. This is according to today’s guest, Priya Vulchi, author of the newly-released (and AMAZING!) Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World [https://www.amazon.com/Good-Friends-Bonds-Change-World/dp/1538766620], which offers a resounding cry that friendship is vital, not just for individual well-being, but for humanity itself. Priya is the co-founder of the nonprofit, Choose; was the youngest TED resident ever; has been published in places like The New York Times and Time Magazine; and is pursuing her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies at Harvard as a presidential scholar. In other words, she knows what she’s talking about. But here’s why I’m excited about this conversation: we talk about how real authentic friendship is actually RADICAL and can change the world, challenging the status quo and causing people to care about issues simply because they impact the people they love. In this episode you’ll hear about: * Aristotle's three types of friendship – utility, pleasure, and virtue – and how these definitions still apply today * How friendship challenges capitalistic models of overconsumption and self-reliance by relying on friends for favors instead of Uber or Amazon  * How friendship can be political, requiring people to challenge their self-interests and deepen relationships * The concept of heteros, or political friendship, and how it is as important as philia, or friendship of virtue; plus, the importance of joy in friendships Resources & Links Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World [https://www.amazon.com/Good-Friends-Bonds-Change-World/dp/1538766620] by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity [https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Me-Who-You-Are/dp/0525541128], which she wrote with Winona Guo. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!