Grieving a Place I Haven't Left Yet

When You Can't Control What's Next - A Meditation for the Waiting

The messy middle isn't always something you can talk your way through. Sometimes you just need a place to breathe. This week I'm sharing something a little different — an episode from my companion podcast, It's Both Guided Meditations. I'm in the middle of our move to Colorado, boxes everywhere, and I didn't want to go silent on you. But I also couldn't give you a full interview episode this week. So instead I'm giving you this. This meditation is for the waiting. For the unknown. For the transition anxiety that sits in your body when you've made a decision but can't get to the other side of it yet. For the knot in your stomach and the tightness in your chest that won't turn off no matter how many times you check your phone or refresh your email. We're not fixing anything here. We're not trying to be positive or push through. We're just finding a little awareness, a little steadiness, and a little permission to be exactly where you are. Both things can be true — you can be scared and still be okay. You can have no control over the outcome and still have control over how you take care of yourself while you wait. If this resonates, the full It's Both Guided Meditations feed is free and available wherever you listen. New episodes drop regularly for anxiety, emotional regulation, and real life transitions. And I'll be back next week with something I'm really excited to share with you.  Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource,What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

Grieving a Place I Haven't Left Yet

The messy middle isn't always about a big dramatic moment. Sometimes it's the house that won't sell. The city you're grieving before you've even left. The goodbye that keeps getting delayed while life keeps demanding you show up anyway. This week I'm coming to you solo and I'm sharing where I am right now. We put our house on the market three months ago. We were under contract and then we weren't. Now we're leaving with nowhere to land yet, three kids including one starting kindergarten for the very first time, and a life I built here over ten years that I don't quite know how to say goodbye to. In this episode I talk about the anxiety and transition anxiety that comes with major life changes when the timing is completely out of your control, the grief of leaving a place that rebuilt me after everything fell apart, the identity shift of not knowing what comes next professionally or financially, and the emotional complexity of being so ready to go and so heartbroken to leave at the same time. I also talk about something I've been wrestling with — free will, predestination, and what it means when things aren't unfolding the way you thought they would. Is that a sign you're on the wrong path? Or is it just hard? And what do you do when you can't tell the difference? This is a conversation about grief, starting over, mixed emotions, and the very specific kind of suffering that comes from grieving something you're still living inside of every single day. It's also a love letter to a city that saved me. And my last recording in this room — one year in. For anyone in the waiting right now — anyone suspended in that in-between where you've made peace with what's coming but just can't get there yet — this one is for you. You are not alone in this. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource,What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

REPLAY: The Episode That Started It All — Body Image

The messy middle looks different for everyone. Sometimes it's a major life transition. Sometimes it's the quiet, daily tension of living in a body you haven't fully made peace with yet. One year ago this week I sat down with one of my best friends — Heather, a therapist, a mom, and one of the most honest people I know — and we recorded the very first episode of It's Both. I'm re-releasing it this week because I'm in the middle of our move, boxes everywhere, chaos everywhere, and somehow it's also the one year anniversary of this show. It felt like the most perfect, messy, both/and thing to do. In this episode, Heather and I talk about the anxiety that comes with living in a body that feels like it doesn't fit the mold, the complicated messages most of us received about our bodies growing up that we are still quietly unlearning, and what body neutrality actually means — and why it might be the most realistic and honest place to start when loving your body feels impossible. We talk about the duality of feeling strong and insecure at the same time. We talk about what happens when you spend a decade giving your body to everyone else and forget to ask what it actually needs. And we talk about the moment — floating in a pool with her kids — when Heather felt genuine gratitude for her body for the very first time. This is a conversation about emotional complexity, identity, and the messy middle of learning to live in your own skin. For anyone who has ever stood in front of a mirror and felt two completely opposite things at the same time — this one is for you. If you're new here, this is the perfect place to start. This is where it all began. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource, What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Get connected to Heather Lefebvre [https://www.mytherapistheather.com/] - Follow Heather on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/spacebetweencollective/]  - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

She Lost Her Husband and Had to Rebuild Everything

The messy middle doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes it arrives at 40 years old with three kids, a career you left behind, and a life you have to rebuild from the ground up — while you're still in the wreckage of the one you lost. Donna Jean Kendrick was 40 when her husband Greg died by suicide. What followed wasn't a clean grief arc. It was the duality of relief and devastation existing at the same time. It was quiet minivans and shower tears. It was oodles and noodles budgets and concussions at baseball games and a zero book of business and a mission she didn't know she was building toward yet. In this episode, Donna and I talk about the anxiety and major life changes that come with losing a spouse suddenly — and what it actually looks like to survive, then slowly, imperfectly start to thrive. We talk about the complicated grief of suicide loss, the identity shift from wife to widow to single mother, the emotional complexity of finding love again and blending a family of six kids, and what it means when the beautiful life you build after only exists because of the one you lost. We also talk about the moment her stepchildren's mother passed in 2024 — and how her own kids, who had been there before, knew exactly what to do. This is a conversation about grief and relief. About the gap between surviving and living. About transition anxiety, identity shift, and holding the love of two people at the same time without looking away from any of it. If this episode brings up anything difficult, please know you can reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline anytime by calling or texting 988. You are not alone. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource, What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Free access Donna's webinar and personal document locator, Don't Leave Your Loved Ones Without Answers  [https://sephtonfinancial.com/webinar/] - Order Donna's books HERE [https://donnajeankendrick.com/books/] - Follow Donna on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/donnajeankendrick/] or visit her website [https://donnajeankendrick.com/]  - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

I Look Like a Man They Told Me to Hate

The messy middle doesn't always look like one hard thing. Sometimes it looks like being biracial, bisexual, a therapist, a storyteller, a single dad, and a first-time memoirist — all at the same time, all in the same body, all navigating the anxiety of major life changes while asking the same question: who am I when I can't fit into one box? Johnzelle Anderson has been living in the duality his entire life. Growing up mixed race in Southwest Virginia in the 90s, raised in whiteness while being told he looked like a man he was never allowed to know, navigating a marriage, a separation, a bisexual identity shift, and a trip to Sierra Leone with his six-year-old daughter — all while starting over and helping other people heal from the exact kinds of wounds he was still uncovering in himself. In this episode, Johnzelle and I talk about what it feels like to grow up being asked "what are you?" — and what it takes to finally answer that question for yourself. We talk about the transition anxiety that comes with losing who you were before you know who you're becoming. We talk about writing a memoir structured not in chapters but in tracks, because that's how memory actually moves. We talk about holding mixed emotions — grief and gratitude, identity and belonging, connection and isolation — all at the same time. And we talk about what it means to be worthy of connection — not entitled to it, worthy of it — and the difference between the two. This is a conversation about identity, emotional complexity, and the messy middle of becoming more fully yourself. For anyone who has ever felt like too many things at once and wondered if that meant something was wrong with them — it doesn't. That's just what it feels like to be human. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource, What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Order Johnzelle's book HERE [https://bookshop.org/p/books/mixtape-a-memoir-johnzelle-anderson/3306c4bc8d8f3d2c?ean=9798901740712&next=t&next=t&affiliate=120315] - Follow Johnzelle on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/johnzelle_/] or visit his website [https://www.johnzelle.co/]  - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]