Why We Have Sex We Don't Want (& How To Approach it)

Non-Monogamy vs Monogamy: Who's Really Happier?

We've been taught that monogamy is the default because it's more satisfying, more "natural". But what if that's not actually what the research says? In this episode, I dig into a major new meta-analysis of 35 studies and nearly 25,000 people that compared relationship and sexual satisfaction across monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The findings challenge a lot of what we've assumed — and what culture has been telling us for a very long time. If you've ever wondered whether opening up your relationship might fix a mismatched desire problem — I talk about why that question matters less than the reason you're asking it, from a sex-therapist lens. We explore: * What a meta-analysis of nearly 25,000 people found about satisfaction in monogamous vs non-monogamous relationships * The uncomfortable truth about why we elevate monogamy — and what it protects us from having to look at * How non-monogamous individuals reported slightly higher trust, and what monogamous couples can learn from how non-monogamous relationships define boundaries * When opening up a relationship can be running away from the problem — and how to tell the difference * What actually predicts satisfaction in a long-term relationship Timestamps: 02:51 — Opening up as a fear response 03:49 — Main findings from the study 08:27 — Monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety 10:46 — Is it okay to flirt & where does the line go? 14:59 — Why opening up may not solve the real issue 17:48 — What predicts relationship satisfaction The study in this episode: Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation [https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2462988]. Published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2025. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

I Tried Everything And It Was Never Enough | Mismatched Libidos

A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying. She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears. After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back? In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here. We explore: * Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is important * How sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freely * What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other person * The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroom * What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner * The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex" Timestamps: 01:46 – The Listener's Question 02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense) 04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question 05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure 06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means 07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal 10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection 13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner 14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist 17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again? 18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding 22:58 – Summary & Takeaways 26:09 – Outro & Working with me Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

The Hidden Reason You’re Struggling to Orgasm With Your Partner

Difficulty orgasming isn’t always about you. At least, not in the way you might think. In this minisode of In Bed with Science, I’m talking about one of the less discussed reasons orgasm can become harder with a partner: when your orgasm starts to feel like proof that they’re good at sex. Orgasms aren’t gifts. And when your partner’s care, effort or disappointment becomes part of the experience, pleasure can quickly turn into pressure. In this episode, we explore: * Why “giving” someone an orgasm can be an unhelpful way to think about sex * How a partner’s investment in your orgasm can make it harder to relax * Why pressure and self-monitoring can get in the way of pleasure * What to do when orgasm has become the goal of sex Your orgasm isn’t a performance review of your partner’s skills. And it isn’t the only proof that sex was good. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

AI Vs. Therapy for Low Libido: I Put It To The Test

AI is being turned to as a replacement for therapy. As a sex therapist who specialises in low libido, I wanted to know - can it actually help with something as nuanced as low sex drive in a marriage? So I put it to the test. I pretended to be a typical client of mine - a woman in a long-term relationship, struggling with low desire and shame around her turn-ons - and turned to both a trained mental health bot and ChatGPT to see what they got right, what they got wrong, and what most people would never notice was missing. We look at what the research says about AI's accuracy in sexual & mental health, why feeling understood isn't necessarily the same as actually being understood, and where AI genuinely helps versus where it might make things like low libido and relationship issues worse. In this episode, we explore: * What the research reveals about how AI chatbots actually perform on sexual health and therapy scenarios * The results of my own experiment pretending to be a client struggling with low sex drive and shame around what turns her on * How AI tends to over-validate, skip the questions a sex therapist would ask, and offer solutions before it knows you * How AI can sneakily reinforce the very patterns that create low desire and sexual problems in marriage in the first place * When AI is a useful thought partner for relationship and sex issues, and when it falls short of what real therapy does 02:44 - My Bias as a Therapist (Let's Be Honest) 06:13 - What the Research Says: AI Chatbot Studies 08:20 - The Experiment: Testing an AI Therapy Bot 11:46 - Test 1 – The Mental Health Bot 13:24 - Test 2 – ChatGPT 20:04 - What ChatGPT Got Wrong 22:03 - Why AI Can't Replace the Therapeutic Relationship 25:54 - AI vs. Self-Help Books: Is It the Same? 31:24 - Final Takeaway: When AI Helps & When It Falls Short Today's studies: Evaluation of Artificial Intelligence Chatbots for Providing Sexual Health Information: A Consensus Study Using Real-World Clinical Queries [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40375254/] Published in BMC Public Health in 2025. A Comparison of Responses from Human Therapists and LLM-Based Chatbots [https://mental.jmir.org/2025/1/e69709] Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025. The Ability of AI Therapy Bots to Set Limits With Distressed Adolescents [https://mental.jmir.org/2025/1/e78414] Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

‘Men Will Have Sex With Anything’? A Sex Therapist Breaks Down the Harmful Myth

We've all heard it before: "Men always want sex". They’re simple and always raring to go. As a sex therapist specialising in low libido and mismatched desire, I know the toll these kinds of myths can take on the individual and the relationship at large. In this minisode, I break down one of the most common myths about male sexuality — and how it contributes to low desire, performance pressure, and shame. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]