It's News to Us

This week’s headlines feel like they were written by a very confused comedy writer — so naturally, we’re here to make sense of them. President Trump is back in the spotlight, threatening to send the National Guard into Chicago while floating a rebrand of the Pentagon as the “Department of War.” Meanwhile, ICE is assuring D.C. families there won’t be raids on the first day of school (what a relief, right?), and economists warn that tariffs could tack $2,400 a year onto the average grocery bill. If democracy doesn’t bankrupt you, Kraft cheese might. It’s not just politics making things weird — nature is in on the chaos, too. Milwaukee was swamped by a “1,000-year flood,” turning the city into an accidental waterpark, while a flesh-eating parasite resurfaced in Maryland, reminding us that climate change doesn’t just melt glaciers — it melts skin. On the cultural side, WWE RAW is hyping Clash in Paris, the US Open launched with a record $90M purse, and the ever-expanding Yellowstone universe announced yet another spinoff — while the legendary Barbara Eden showed us that at 94, she’s still magic in her genie pose. And in the land of the absurd? Buckle up. WNBA games were interrupted by fans throwing green dildos onto the court as part of a crypto stunt (because of course they were). A crypto millionaire was kidnapped for Bitcoin ransom. An Aussie couple hit the lottery and walked away instant millionaires. Comedian Eddie Pepitone is back on tour, raging beautifully about modern life. And yes… adult pacifiers are now trending as a form of stress relief. Grown people, binkies in mouths, on TikTok. Welcome to 2025. From National Guard deployments to adult-sized pacifiers, from Barbara Eden’s genie magic to dildos in the paint — it’s politics, parasites, and pure comedy fodder all rolled into one. LINKS https://instagram.com/itsnewstous [https://instagram.com/itsnewstous] https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous [https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous]

Trump federalizes D.C.’s police and rolls out 800 Guard troops while City Hall reaches for the lawyers. We pivot to sports TV’s re-bundling era as ESPN’s standalone and Fox One link up around $40/month, and Paramount stuns Hollywood by locking exclusive UFC rights (farewell, PPV). At the box office, AMC respawns on Minecraft and Lilo & Stitch; in markets, Bitcoin rockets past $120K while gas prices stubbornly refuse to be interesting. Plus: a mind-bender of a medical win (tooth-in-eye restores sight). LINKS https://instagram.com/itsnewstous [https://instagram.com/itsnewstous] https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous [https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous]

This week, we celebrate and investigate the final curtain call of the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne, who passed away just 17 days after his epic farewell concert. From bat-thrones and Black Sabbath reunions to memoir chart jumps and his final orchestral banger, Ozzy left this world exactly how he lived in it—loud, weird, and legendary. We also dive into Baltimore’s crime drop, Colbert’s cancellation conspiracy, and a roundup of chaos in the skies. From snakes on planes to fiery landings, we’ve got your ticket to the absurd. Plus: seniors gaming like pros, squirrels launching a hostile takeover in North Dakota, and a firefighter with a hose and a grudge. Buckle up—it’s a wild ride through the week's most bizarre, hilarious, and thought-provoking stories. LINKS https://instagram.com/itsnewstous https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous

Missiles flew, uranium vanished, and Trump live-tweeted like a war correspondent with zero chill. Iran launched a “just-for-show” missile strike on a U.S. base in Qatar—after giving everyone a heads-up. Meanwhile, reports suggest they moved their bomb-grade uranium before we even dropped a single bomb. Are we in a war or just a very dramatic tech rehearsal? Plus, AOC calls Trump's strikes an impeachable offense, and Silicon Valley execs are literally putting on boots (sort of) for the Army. The headlines are unhinged—we’ve got jokes, hot takes, and a final zinger for each. LINKS https://instagram.com/itsnewstous [https://instagram.com/itsnewstous] https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous [https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous]

Los Angeles is on fire—literally and politically. After ICE raids turned immigrant neighborhoods into war zones, protests exploded across the city. The 101 is blocked. Waymo cars are toast. And now? The U.S. Marines are patrolling downtown like it’s a scene from Call of Duty: Civil Rights Edition. Governor Newsom’s suing the White House, Trump’s calling it “insurrection,” and the military is digging in—without even invoking the Insurrection Act… yet. Meanwhile, journalists are dodging rubber bullets, local jails are kicking out ICE, and even Elon Musk and Trump are beefing over immigration in the most billionaire way possible. Is this a constitutional crisis, a political theater, or just your average Tuesday in dystopian America? Strap in—we’ve got chaos, comedy, and some serious civil liberties on the line. LINKS https://instagram.com/itsnewstous [https://instagram.com/itsnewstous] https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous [https://tiktok.com/@itsnewstous]