Said Out Loud

ep. 9: self control - 0, personality - 10.

Thanks for listening to Said Out Loud-ish! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. welcome back to said out loud—the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable. Self-control. I have zero self-control. And I'm learning that that is not godly. I always say I'm going to do something, and I don't do it. And I don't hold myself accountable. And I don't tell anybody else because then they can't hold me accountable. But then I keep myself in this cycle of like disappointment and guilt and shame because I didn't do those things. Like you're going to go to bed early and you're going to wake up early. You're going to ride your bike. You're going to have this whole plan in the morning and you're going to do your things and get it all done. And then I stay up late and then I can't wake up in the morning because I'm so tired and then I always make excuses like if you wake up too early your head's gonna hurt or if you wake up too early you're not gonna feel well or you know it rest. You deserve to rest. And I think, I don't know where that comes from or where I started learning that. I think I remember as a kid, like if my mom didn't want to go to work, she just would not go. And she'd find an excuse and call off. And I think that just kind of showed me that you could do that. Which is not right. I think it's important to show up and go to work no matter what. That's your responsibility and your commitment. I think that might have been part of it. She also was somebody who didn't have a lack of self-control and I think it's led towards dopamine and feeling wanting to feel good and feel happy. And when you're sad or angry or something doesn't go your way or even when you're happy and excited, well for me, I want to eat something yummy or buy myself a treat or I want to go shopping. I think I deserve a little present because of the thing I just went through or achieved. Go out to dinner or, you know, cancel plans for the rest of the day or cancel work. Like, well, I did this, so now I can take a break. But I need help in not doing that anymore. Because if I'm going to change my life, then I need to change that. Because that is down near the root of where everything is going to happen. And I think like the thing about it is that you can still do those things that you want to do. You just have to make time or make plans for them. Like maybe you stay up later but it's on the weekends so that you can sleep in in the morning. You don't have to get up and worry about things. But on Sunday night you go to bed early because you have to wake up on Monday and get your day started at 6. Because if I don't wake up early enough and get all my stuff done, then I'm behind. Like today, I slept in until almost 8 o'clock. I just kept hitting the snooze and kept hitting the snooze and kept in my head justifying that I needed to sleep. And now I feel a little anxious and rushed because Mia has a sign language lesson at 9:30. It's already 8:47. She's not even awake yet. And I also think that I need to like steward that in my kids too because they're seeing what I'm doing and they're staying up late. So I need to teach them self-control. So I need God's help in figuring out how to do that. Because, like my other lesson for the day, I don't know what I'm doing here in motherhood. And I need help. And I think it is just wild that we are given these humans to raise. And I've literally never done this before. I have no idea what I'm doing from day to day. And every day is so hard. And I don't want it to be hard. I want it to be joyful and nice. And there's some days where I feel like I don't even talk to my kids because I just want them to like go be in their rooms and away from me and that's pretty awful. And I feel like is it too late? Have I messed up already? Like I read these things about like when you're cleaning the house or cooking and doing things that you should have them be involved with you and doing it by your side, and not, you know, entertained in another room, like watching TV or on their iPads or something, keeping them busy. Their busy should be helping you in your home. And I feel like that's something I want to try and do more of. Like there's no reason Cooper can't stand with me while I'm cooking dinner and help. He can learn how to chop things. He can learn how to season things. He can learn what things go with what. from here i went off on a strange detour. hold on to your butts. literally a rambling of my thoughts, unedited, unfiltered i want to hear from you about this This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elysejdavis.substack.com [https://elysejdavis.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

ep. 8: my inner martha needs to calm it down

*heads up* at marker 2:08-2:49 my kid comes in and there’s a little side moment. feel free to skip that if you want. welcome back to said out loud—the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable. hi hello how are you, so glad you’re here! i’ve been thinking about this line i heard recently— “if the devil can’t tempt you with sin, he’ll distract you with busyness.” and honestly? that one hit. life’s been moving way too fast lately. not necessarily in a big, dramatic way… just in that nonstop, “who even runs this house?” kind of way. laundry, groceries, work, kids, cleaning up after pets, trying to be a good partner, a good mom, a good human, and still find time to create something that matters. i’m tired. not just in my body. tired in my soul. a friend of mine recently took two weeks off social media. like—really off. no posting, no scrolling, no content, no pretending. and it made me wonder… could i do that too? should i? this morning i sat in the living room for a minute—sunlight coming through the window—and i opened my bible. and then i opened my son’s kids devotional because honestly? sometimes that one hits harder. the simplicity, the clarity. no commentary or debate—just, here’s the truth. i’ve been reading through the story of joseph again. and wow… i forgot how much is packed in there. it’s basically a whole netflix series. betrayal, loss, waiting, growth, redemption. but what’s standing out to me most right now is the way joseph moved through it all— not just what happened, but how he trusted anyway. how he didn’t always understand, but he stayed open. how god was still working behind the scenes even when it looked like nothing was happening. meanwhile, i’ve been caught up in the grind. comparing myself to everyone. feeling behind. feeling like i’m never doing enough. feeling like i’m not even sure what the point is anymore. like martha in the bible—always doing instead of just being. i think the hardest part is knowing i want to help people. i want to give freely. support causes i care about. buy meaningful gifts. sponsor things. show up for people financially. but right now i can’t. and that’s hard. especially with mia. i think about her future more than anything else. who will take care of her when i’m gone? what will she need? how do i make sure her life is safe and supported? will cooper be okay with that? how much will it all cost? and yet… i keep thinking back to april and may, when i was pushing for district manager. i felt focused then. anchored. and now? i feel like i’m flailing again. but maybe that’s the point of reading joseph right now. maybe god’s reminding me: you don’t need to control everything. you just need to trust again. ok that’s all i got for now love ya mean it catch ya next time Thanks for reading Said Out Loud-ish! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elysejdavis.substack.com [https://elysejdavis.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

ep. 7: we probably won't be friends if you're ok with this

welcome back, to said out loud, the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable. hi hello how are you, so glad you’re here! okay. i’ve tried to make this episode cute and neat and palatable and… no. it’s just not that kind of message. this is one of those episodes where i say the real thing, and if it makes you uncomfortable, then maybe it’s not for you—and that’s fine. but here it is: i love summer. like i long for it all year. i count the days until the weather shifts, until the sun stays out late, until the grass is green and the air smells like possibility. i want my kids home with me. i crave it. and it blows my mind how many parents, moms especially, openly talk about how they dread summer. how they can’t wait to ship their kids off to school or camp or practice or anywhere but home. and i’m like… really? because i want my kids with me every second. i hate school. i hate what it does to our family rhythm. i hate the rushing. i hate the fighting in the morning. i hate packing lunches. i hate when they don’t eat the lunch i packed. i hate how overstimulated they are when they get home. i hate the feeling of sending them away for eight hours a day and not knowing what’s happening to them. i hate when they come home with a scratch or a bruise or something clearly went wrong and i wasn’t there for it. i hate all of it. and if i could homeschool both of my kids, i would. that’s a whole other podcast. but the point is—summer feels like a second chance. a return to us. and i’m not going to waste it trying to be a Pinterest camp counselor. i don’t want a color-coded summer schedule. i don’t want to be a chauffeur. i don’t want to spend money on some giant inflatable waterpark that breaks by august. i want to be in the woods. at the creek. on the golf cart. at camp. i want to sit at the splash pad and watch them play. i want to make pancakes once a week and eat leftovers for days. i want to just be with my kids. and i know what makes that possible: expectations. first, we don’t entertain. like, i’m not in charge of your fun. you are. my kids know not to say “i’m bored” because i will stare at them like… okay? figure it out. go outside. draw something. ride your bike. stare at the sky. i don’t care, just use your imagination. be a kid. second, we have a summer chart system. you do your stuff, you earn screen time. it’s not revolutionary. it’s just clear. get dressed. brush your teeth. take care of the animals. do your workbook. read. go outside for 30 minutes. you don’t do it all? you don’t get the iPad. simple. no begging, no “can i just…” nope. it’s all or nothing. you can earn an hour. or more if you help me with something extra. but you gotta earn it. and i’ll say it: i think most kids have way too much access to screens and the internet and it’s messing them up. i’m not saying that to be better-than or judgey or whatever. i’m saying it because i’ve seen it. we’ve seen it with cooper, he was dealing with anxiety, and in therapy, screen time came up. we scaled it back. and the shift in his mood, his behavior, his attention? wild. and i’ve seen it in other kids too, kids who stay up all night on their devices, can’t wake up for school, can’t focus when they get there, can’t have a real conversation with another human being. they sleep until 2 p.m. when we’re at camp and then they don’t come out of the camper. they don’t even know how to play anymore. how to connect. and in more extreme cases? there’s some scary, messed up stuff happening. i’ve seen kids become obsessed with violence. kids sharing sexual content with each other. kids spreading gossip and lies. and then the parents act shocked when it blows up—but no one was watching. and it’s not just the scary stuff, it’s the slow stuff too. the erosion of attention. the anxiety. the low self-worth. the obsession with “aesthetics” and skincare routines at age nine. the weird girl-on-girl hate, the comments, the adult jokes they’re not old enough to understand. my kids aren’t in that. and they won’t be. i don’t care if they’re the only ones not allowed to have snapchat or youtube or whatever. i don’t care if it makes me unpopular with other parents. if your kid has unlimited access to the internet and you think that’s fine, we’re probably not going to be close friends. and that’s okay. but in my house? i want my kids to be kids. i want them to be outside. to get dirty. to get bored. to find joy in sidewalk chalk and bubble machines and bike rides and setting up pretend stores in the driveway. i want them to feel the sun and catch lightning bugs and walk barefoot in the grass. i want them to make up games. to learn how to be with themselves. i want them to experience summer like i did in the 90s, free, unstructured, and full of real life. and yes, i still work. i still have things to do. but the screen chart helps everyone stay in rhythm. they know what’s expected. i get my work done. we all win. so that’s where we’re at. if you’re looking for a mom who’s going to say “lol same” when you post that you can’t wait for school to start again, you’re not gonna find that here. i’m the mom crying when august rolls around. i’m the one dragging summer out as long as i possibly can. i’m the one sitting on the porch at 9 p.m. in a tank top with bug spray on, watching my kids play flashlight tag and thinking, this is what it’s all about. if this hits something in you, cool. if it doesn’t, also cool. but this is where we are. and this summer, like every summer, we’re going to make the most of it. because this version of childhood? it doesn’t last forever. and i’m not going to miss it because i was too busy scrolling, scheduling, or trying to make it look perfect. we’ll be in the yard if you need us. love ya mean it catch ya next time Thanks for reading Said Out Loud-ish! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This post is public, so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elysejdavis.substack.com [https://elysejdavis.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

ep. 6: i'm not mad, i'm just maxed out

welcome back to said out loud—the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable. hi hello how are you, so glad you’re here! it’s the friday before memorial day weekend, and i made the executive decision that we were going to play hookiey today. because honestly? i’m over it. Mia was tired this morning, im tired. We still have 4 more days of school next week but I feel a bit run down, and i just don’t have anything left in me after this week.. i needed a day where i could just opt out without explanation—and so i did. i’m exhausted. not tired—exhausted. mentally, physically, emotionally, hormonally, logistically. Yesterday, i was making dinner, and chad walked in and was like, “are you mad at me, did i do something? and i was like, no babe—i’m just trying not to completely unravel while cutting these potatoes. and the truth is: i’m not mad at him. i’m not mad at anyone. but i’m holding so many things in my head at any given time that i don’t even have room for emotions like “mad.” i’m at full storage capacity. i’m buffering. it’s complete depletion. it’s doing everything for everyone all the time, and getting no break, no medal, and no paycheck. it’s being the person who sees everything—the stuff that’s out of place, the school theme day, the appointment no one scheduled, the moldy container in the back of the fridge—and being the person who fixes it. every. single. time. i’m the one keeping track of mia’s spirit week themes i’m the one packing the lunches and washing the lunchbox and making sure the lunch has things she’ll actually eat. i’m the one monitoring cooper’s screen time, teaching him responsibility, trying to parent him with empathy so he doesn’t need as much therapy as i do i’m the one watching the laundry pile up, watching the hairballs accumulate in the corner of the kitchen, walking past the damn water bottle that no one’s moved in six days and i left it there just to see if anyone else would notice it. they didn’t. On top of stuff for them im trying to do stuff for me. i’m planning for vegas. i’m organizing the bags, overthinking outfits, scrolling the internet for dresses i can’t afford, hoping i can squeeze in time to wax my vagina and remember to buy nipple covers before i go. i’m also building a business. creating content. trying to hit a goal. trying to believe i’m worthy of it while simultaneously feeling like i’m failing at motherhood and adulthood and womanhood all in one breath. i saw a mom on instagram put together a whole summer kickoff party for her kids, complete with themed cake. and all i could think was: must be nice. must be nice to have the energy. must be nice to have the money. must be nice to not feel like you’re drowning. And i dont mean it like must be nice. I genuinely mean, wow that must feel amazing to do that, to not even think twice about it energy-wise or financially. you’re doing an amazing job mama and I am truly jealous. And what i also mean is, what the f**k is wrong with me, why didn't i plan an end of school party? But i can’t do it. not because i hate joy. not because i hate fun things. but because i’m so damn tired that not even one cell in my body wants to plan a surprise celebration right now. i don’t even want to plan dinner. And the realization is, it doesn’t make me a bad mom. it makes me a mom with no fcking bandwidth left. and here’s the part that no one wants to say out loud: i think some moms get to love motherhood more because they have more help. because their kids are in school all day. because they have babysitters or family nearby. because someone else is wiping butts or packing lunches or folding towels. and when you have that? of course you can find joy. of course you can enjoy motherhood more. but that’s not my life. i have a child home with me full-time. I have another with demanding needs, We homeschool, we have one income. and i don’t regret it—i wouldn’t trade it—but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t really fcking hard sometimes. And i hate that im made to feel like i have to hide all of that, like i cant say i love motherhood, but some days man, its heavy i don’t have help. no babysitter. no nanny. no family that stops by and says, “hey, want to go shower alone?” chad’s family lives in the same neighborhood and still somehow they never see the kids unless we ask. his mom walks past our house almost daily. she literally walks past us and waves and keeps going. And i dont know, maybe im wrong in thinking we should have help. Maybe no one is supposed to help. Maybe that changed along the way too. Grandparents are more interested in retiring and golfing, going to the senior center, bible lunch with the ladies. I guess they deserve it. In my case, im the second wife, the “second family”, so does that mean my in laws already did their duty so i just get shoved to the side?? Is it like that for everyone or am i just lucky. I saw someones reel the other day, a mom who had just given birth to her 3rd baby, she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub and her mother in law was shaving her legs for her. The caption said i just dont understand not loving your mother in law. And i literally lol’d. I dont think for a lot of women its a choice to not have a relationship with your mother in law, i longed for a close a relationship, i just didn’t get it. So again, is it like this for everyone, or is it selective? so it’s just me. every day. doing all the things. wiping butts and resetting tantrums and ordering groceries and setting out snack plates and putting away laundry and making meals and changing sheets and organizing appointments and doing math and editing content and chasing a business goal and pretending like i’m fine. but i’m not always fine. i’m actually burnt out in a way that doesn’t feel fixable with a nap or a bubble bath or a solo trip to target. i’m craving silence. i’m craving someone taking care of me for once. that’s why i’m so looking forward to vegas. not because i want to escape my life. i love my family. but i want to exist for a few days without having to manage everyone else’s needs. i want to wake up and only think about what i want. i want to pee without someone asking me where the crackers are. i want to eat without sharing. i want to rest without guilt. this episode doesn’t have tips. i’m not going to give you 3 ways to reclaim your joy or organize your command center. this is just me, saying out loud: this s**t is heavy. Ok i have maybe one thing. I’ve learned through therapy to be really aware of myself but also like work through the feelings and try to find solutions. Not just dwell i the feelings and let them overtake my life. Like maybe theres some things i can give up today? What’s one thing you can take off your list today? What’s one thing you can let be undone? What’s one small way you can rest? I also know, this time of year is chaotic, end of school there's so much going on, i know that in another week things will feel much calmer. So maybe we’re just riding the wave So I guess this episode is just me saying: if you feel this too, you’re not alone. and if no one else is saying it? i’ll say it. you deserve help. you deserve rest. You deserve not to be the only one who cares. But you’re also doing amazing—bc what's that thing they say? You know you’re a good mom when you worry about if you’re a good mom.. Something like that, you know what i mean. So guess we’re on the right track friends. Alright, that's all for today. Chaos is already ensuing, and i’ve got about 3 threads left before i unravel, so maybe i will pop a gummy, mix up my greens and fizz early and go sit on the porch alone for 5 minutes until the creatures find me. love ya mean it. catch ya next time Thanks for reading Said Out Loud-ish! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This post is public, so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elysejdavis.substack.com [https://elysejdavis.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

ep. 5: i'm not passing that on to my kids

welcome back to said out loud, the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable. hi hello how are you, so happy you are sitting down or running around with me today okay, so… it’s late. i’m in my luteal phase. my brain is foggy, my body feels like a water balloon, and i just made turkey bowls that no one in this house appreciated enough. but! a few days ago, i posted this carousel, “five things i thought were normal growing up that i’m not passing down”, and apparently i wasn’t the only one feeling it. so many of you voted to make it a full podcast episode. and honestly, i’m glad. because this is one of those conversations i think we need to have not when we feel shiny and motivational, but exactly like this. tired. a little wobbly. but still trying to show up softer and better for our kids. so let’s talk about it. ⸻ part 1: why this conversation matters i didn’t grow up in a bad home. i don’t have some kind of tragic backstory. but i did grow up in a world where so many toxic patterns were just… normal. we didn’t talk about feelings. productivity was praised more than presence. weight loss was the holy grail of self-control. and most of the women i saw including the younger version of myself were exhausted, self-sacrificing, and quietly resentful. so now here i am, 38, standing in the middle of my kitchen, raising two kids, trying to teach them things i had to unlearn in therapy. and it’s hard. because you’re not just parenting them. you’re re-parenting yourself. in real time. every day. without a script. ⸻ 1. tying your worth to productivity this one hits hard for me because i still struggle with it. i feel guilty when i rest. i feel like i have to earn my breaks. but with my kids, i’m learning to celebrate curiosity, effort, even boredom. not just checklists. not just gold stars. they don’t need to hustle for love or value. they’re enough just being themselves. and honestly, saying that out loud? reminds me that i am too. ⸻ 2. women doing all the emotional labor oh boy. this one. i’m not just raising kids i’m raising a daughter who might be someone’s partner one day, and a son who might be, too. and i refuse to send either of them into the world thinking it’s normal for one person usually the woman, to carry the entire mental load. we share chores. we talk about feelings. we don’t assume “mom just knows.” even if it’s inconvenient. even if it’s messy. because no one should feel like the house manager of someone else’s life. ⸻ 3. skipping breakfast = willpower i used to be so proud of myself for drinking coffee and surviving until 2 p.m. now i look back and i’m like… babe. that wasn’t discipline. that was disordered eating. i don’t want my kids to think ignoring their body is something to be proud of. now? i eat real food. i don’t skip meals. i make sure i get protein every day and i tell them: food is fuel. you deserve to feel good. period. we dont call certain foods bad or good we listen to how food makes our bodies feel and we appreciate the energy we get when we’re eating the right stuff and pay attention to what happens when maybe we don’t make the best choice, but we never vilify food. ⸻ 4. never talking about feelings or therapy i dont think its a stretch to say most of us grew up with “what happens in this house stays in this house” energy. emotions were inconvenient. you were either fine or dramatic. but in our house now? we talk. we say “i’m sorry.” we say “that hurt me.” we say “i’m overwhelmed and i need a minute.” we normalize therapy. we normalize nervous system support. i want my kids to feel like they’re safe even in the mess. ⸻ 5. always apologizing for taking up space this one’s sneaky, especially with girls. that constant pressure to shrink. to be polite, quiet, nice, agreeable. and i love raising kind kids. but not small ones. i want them to speak up. to take up space. to be proud of who they are. my daughter is allowed to be loud. my son is allowed to cry. and i’m allowed to not explain every decision i make. ⸻ and here’s the thing. i’m not doing this because i think i’m better than anyone. i’m doing it because i still struggle with all of this. i still overwork to feel worthy. i still flinch when i make a mistake. i still hate how my thighs look in certain angles. but i don’t want that to be my kids’ starting point. i want them to know their value without having to dig for it in their 30s. that’s the whole mission. that’s why i keep going. ⸻ so if you’re also out here trying to break cycles in stretchy pants and yesterday’s dry shampoo… i see you. you’re not doing it wrong. you’re doing it slowly. and quietly. and beautifully. the kids might not say it. there’s no award. no one claps when you let your kid help make breakfast instead of doing it for them. but one day they’ll look back and realize they were raised by someone who chose better. even when it was hard. even when it was messy. and that matters more than you know. ⸻ if this hit home for you, feel free to share it with another cycle-breaking mom. or come find me on substack or Instagram i’m always there, tired but trying. love ya mean it catch ya next time Thanks for reading Said Out Loud-ish! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This post is public, so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elysejdavis.substack.com [https://elysejdavis.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]