Ep 2: Preparing to Get an Adult Autism Evaluation - Self-Acceptance, Victory in Surrender (Part 1 of 3)

Ep 8: Parenting After a Late Autism Diagnosis: Reflection, Projection, and Regulation-First Parenting

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 8 * Episode number: 09 * Release date: 2026-07-14 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) [https://natashastavros.substack.com/p/this-is-not-a-self-help-book-its?r=3l45f2] * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist [https://www.sarahliebmanmft.com/], ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Tara Neri, Unmasked Parenting [https://unmaskedparenting.substack.com/?utm_campaign=profile_chips] – licensed clinical mental health counselor, certified in ADHD and autism spectrum disorder practice, and the creator of Unmasked Parenting. She is an autistic/ADHD parent with sensory processing differences and has spent over two decades supporting children and families who need more understanding, flexibility, and practical support. Her work blends clinical experience, lived experience, nervous system support, relational repair, and neurodivergent-affirming parenting. * Audio Engineer and Composer: https://smithmusiclab.com/Noah Smith [https://smithmusiclab.com/] * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 30:56 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: When a late autism diagnosis reveals that your child is likely neurodivergent too, the emotional reckoning is layered: relief, grief, anger, and a fierce protectiveness — all at once. In this episode, Natasha Stavros and Sarah Liebman welcome their first ever guest, Tara Neri (LCMHC, creator of UnmaskedParenting [https://substack.com/profile/313984727-unmaskedparenting]), to explore three frameworks for neurodivergent-affirming parenting after a late diagnosis: 1) distinguishing reflection from projection when you see yourself in your child; 2) interrupting the intergenerational cycle by asking "am I responding or reacting — and to my child, or to my younger self?"; and 3) Tara's signature approach, regulation-first parenting, which centers the parent's own nervous system as the foundation for the child's. The episode closes with a diary excerpt from After the Masquerade in which Natasha navigates alexithymia, sensory exhaustion, and two real-time parenting moments that show what neurodivergent-affirming parenting actually looks like in practice — imperfect, attuned, and quietly revolutionary. Key takeaways about parenting with reflection and not projection: * Reflection vs. projection: When you recognize your neurodivergent traits in your child, the path forward begins with the painful but liberating realization that if your child deserves deep love and understanding for who they are, so do you. * Interrupt the cycle: Breaking intergenerational patterns means pausing to ask “am I responding or reacting, and is it to my child in front of me, or to my younger self?”; when you get it wrong, it’s important to repair rather than pretend it didn’t happen. * Regulation-first parenting: You cannot pour from an empty cup, regulating yourself first is not permissive parenting, it is the most powerful thing you can model, because children learn self-advocacy and self-compassion by watching you practice it on yourself. Resources and references Read more on this topic from our guest Tara Neri: * Recognition Without Projection [https://unmaskedparenting.substack.com/p/from-projection-to-reflection?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2] - For parents who see themselves in their child and are trying to separate compassion from fear. * The Nature of Nurture [https://open.substack.com/pub/unmaskedparenting/p/the-nature-of-nurture?r=3l45f2&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web] - For parents thinking about what children need from us beyond behavior correction, performance, or compliance. * You’re Running on Outdated Survival Rules [https://unmaskedparenting.substack.com/p/youre-running-on-outdated-survival] - For parents noticing that old coping patterns may still be shaping how they respond, protect, avoid, or control. Books * Brain-Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke - Best for understanding behavior as nervous-system information, not just a choice or discipline problem. This book helps move parenting away from compliance-based responses and toward bottom-up support. * Low-Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman - Best for reducing unnecessary demands, rebuilding connection, and supporting neurodivergent kids without constant pressure. Especially useful for families navigating burnout, demand sensitivity, and low capacity. * Unmasking Autism by Devon Price - Best for adult self-understanding, masking, identity, burnout, and authenticity. This connects strongly to the idea that we cannot help our children unmask while continuing to abandon ourselves. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it. The Unmasking Autism Diary: Memoir Excerpt on Recognition Without Projection Honestly, since I started down this path, I had no idea what cascade of events would take place. I hadn’t really thought about how I would process a diagnosis or what it would mean. All I knew is that whatever it meant, couldn’t be as bad as not knowing. It couldn’t be as bad as the guilt and shame I felt for struggling to function like everyone else - go to work, do my job, eat, sleep, poop, reproduce, buy things, die and decompose. Getting my diagnosis helped me begin to understand myself better, but as a parent - it feels like there is no room to process. My job is to show up and be present so that my turmoil doesn’t pass onto my child. Well, first let’s start by acknowledging how ridiculous a notion that is. Nice in theory, but the practice - daunting. When my child, who is very likely autistic like me, is overwhelmed, so am I. When they scream and cry and are overloaded, I am too. Somehow I’m supposed to model self-regulation, when my primary executive function challenge is emotional regulation. And, it’s not just emotional regulation that I struggle with. Because my emotional dysregulation and inability to pick up or provide socially appropriate non-verbal communications or expectations of social reciprocity has led to some big-T traumas in my life, I have learned to survive by dissociating. How am I supposed to first teach my likely autistic child emotional regulation, when I don’t have it myself, and second how to engage with their emotions? Of note, many people with autism also struggle with alexithymia, and I am one of those people. Alexithymia comes from the Greek root a for lack of, lexis meaning words and thymos meaning emotions. Alexithymia is the difficulty of connecting words to feelings. For people with autism the characteristics of alexithymia are most commonly associated with cognitive empathy rather than affective empathy. This means that people with autism very often connect deeply in an empathic way, but lack the cognitive skills to identify, especially in real time, theirs and others’ feelings, to distinguish between feelings and bodily sensations of emotional arousal, to describe their feelings, to identify or communicate facial expressions, or even to identify or remember faces. My therapist asked me how I’m processing everything, outside of the work s**t show that has ensued from a disclosure of my diagnosis. I told her that it’s been really hard. I’m so overwhelmed with life and the idea of having to go back to work, or find a new job just so that I can pay the bills and keep health care for my family. I feel completely and utterly socially exhausted. All I want to do - no, all I can do - is write, read, and putz around in the garden or go to yoga. I want to remove all sensory stimuli and retreat into my mind away from the social cognitive load that is breaking me. I mentioned that I’ve been focused on parallel play like working on art next to my daughter, gardening, biking, watching TV with her, or reading books together. None of these really require me to connect on a deeper level, the activity is doing the connection. I did acknowledge that I’m not totally dissociated from my role as a parent. I’ve been leaning into what it looks like to embrace neurodivergent affirming parenting. Just this last weekend, my daughter had a friend over and they were climbing on the couch. They decided to crawl under the mid-century modern couch, which sits about six inches off the ground. My daughter’s friend’s head got stuck and she got scared. My daughter started making noise and screaming too. After we separated them and I soothed her friend from her fear and panic, I talked to my daughter. She didn’t want to sit next to me. She didn’t want to make eye contact. She was in a shame spiral. I told her that she didn’t need to sit next to me or look at me, but that she did need to listen. I told her it was ok and that nothing was her fault. That accidents happen and that when that happens we need to check in on our friend and make sure that they are ok. She decided to go check on her friend. I listened from outside the door. They began to talk about what happened. Her friend said that she was scared when my daughter made her go under the couch. My daughter swooped to her own defense, “My mommy said I didn’t do anything wrong.” I came in and knelt down with them, “That’s right, no one did anything wrong. What I think they are saying is that they got scared and that they didn’t feel very supported in that moment when they were scared.” The two girls looked at each other with resolve. They decided to keep playing. Later that evening, my daughter told me that when other kids cry she feels it in her body. I told her that that’s what it feels like to be overwhelmed. Over the next twenty-four hours, I noticed that she would act out - yelling, whining, or batting at the air in response to me and her father. I told her that I noticed she was doing this when it looked like she felt rushed and didn’t have the time to communicate. I suggested that she use the word “pause”, or “I need a minute.” She suggested the word, “wait”. I was proud of her. In both incidents, I’m proud of myself for recognizing my own autistic tendencies and offering her an alternate path to shame. Get full access to A Jester's Musings at natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe [https://natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Ep 7: Autistic Burnout and Skill Regression

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 3 * Episode number: 1 * Release date: 2026-07-02 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) [https://natashastavros.substack.com/p/this-is-not-a-self-help-book-its?r=3l45f2] * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist [https://www.sarahliebmanmft.com/], ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: https://smithmusiclab.com/Noah Smith [https://smithmusiclab.com/] * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:27:47 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: Autistic burnout isn't depression, and treating it like depression can make it worse — that's the central insight of this episode of Following the Threads, as Natasha Stavros shares that she is currently on long-term disability in the depths of autistic burnout following her workplace disclosure. Natasha and Sarah Liebman break down three forms of burnout — depression, occupational burnout, and autistic burnout — and why the distinctions matter clinically: where depression responds to activation and occupational burnout responds to restored autonomy, autistic burnout requires something more fundamental: a complete renegotiation of how you exist in the world. They introduce the concept of the window of tolerance, explore why rest alone is a Band-Aid on a gushing wound, and reframe recovery as a shift from delegation to attunement and tracking your own needs. The episode closes with a raw diary excerpt from After the Masquerade describing, in precise and unflinching detail, what autistic burnout and skill regression actually feel like from the inside. Key takeaways about autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD burnout and skill regression * Depression differs from burnout in that interventions are primarily about activation, but this can exacerbate symptoms in burnout. The difference between autistic burnout and non-autistic (occupational or personal) burnout relates to the person’s ability to return to the previous functional state when conditions change. * Recognizing autistic burnout involves self-study in what happens to you when you exceed your window of tolerance [https://share.google/8e79TbkNI858WzmvU]. There is also research that is adapting the Coppenhagen burnout scale for autistic burnout. * Recovery ultimately requires more than rest, it requires renegotiating your life to reduce chronic stress associated with high load. Load can be physical, cognitive, social, communal, spiritual, etc. It’s not all on you to reduce those loads. But, many high-masking adults with a late-diagnosis survived through hyper-independence and it may not feel comfortable asking for help. Furthermore, “asking for help” assumes delegation—handing tasks off until you resume prior functioning. But autistic burnout requires shifting from delegation to attunement and tracking: tuning into your internal state, noting patterns, and making decisions from that information. Resources and references Embrace Autism offers great overview descriptions on this topic: What is autistic burnout? [https://embrace-autism.com/what-is-autistic-burnout/], Signs of autistic burnout [https://embrace-autism.com/signs-of-autistic-burnout/], why rest isn’t enough [https://embrace-autism.com/why-rest-alone-may-not-help-autistic-burnout/] even if you consider the many different kinds of rest you can do (hint there are 12!). [https://theautismdoctor.substack.com/p/12-crucial-rests-autistic-adults] There are several great articles on the differences between depression and neurodivergent burnout by the Autism Doctor [https://arnicamh.com/autistic-adhd-burnout-vs-depression/], Neurodivergent Insights [https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autistic-burnout-vs-depression/?srsltid=AfmBOorgTMHM_6FknwHncPSJeI6a1yMMtn9ZKEaaUJO6_mkH6oiNmoj1], and Resilient Mind Counseling, PLLC [https://arnicamh.com/autistic-adhd-burnout-vs-depression/]. If you want to learn more about where you are in burnout, there are several free quizzes through Adult Autism Assessment [https://arnicamh.com/autistic-adhd-burnout-vs-depression/] and one through Embrace Autism [https://embrace-autism.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-autistic-burnout-book/]. If you are supporting a loved one through autistic burnout, especially a child, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism has an article that you may find helpful [https://thinkingautismguide.com/2023/09/supporting-your-young-person-through-autistic-burnout.html]. Importantly, neurodivergent-affirming care during burnout is crucial because mental health interventions for non-autistic individuals may worsen symptoms; this is especially true in marginalized communities that benefit from ethnically and culturally affirming treatment [https://arnicamh.com/autistic-adhd-burnout-vs-depression/]. Finally, if you are experiencing autistic burnout, research shows that there are three core components: chronic exhaustion, increased sensory sensitivities, and social withdrawal. That there are common strategies used to recover include autonomy is your choices to reduce/stop social obligations, reduce sensory inputs, and time spent alone to reset and recharge [https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-025-06765-4]. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it. The Unmasking Autism Diary: Autism, ADHD or AuDHD Burnout and Skill Regression I am beyond tired. I do not remember being this tired in my entire life except for when I was in my third trimester, maintaining an extra organ and entire human being while working full time with insomnia. I am not depressed. Unlike other times in my life when I have fantasized about a world without me. That the burden of my existence for myself and others would be casually alleviated if I could just fall in front of a bus on my bike and die. It’s not suicide if it’s an accident. I do not feel this now. I do not wish for an end to my existence, just that I can no longer operate in the world as I once did. I am sleeping 9 hours a night, uninterrupted with deep sleep and REM. I wake up, I do the morning chores to feed and walk our pets and get our daughter to school. Then I come home, and all I want to do is melt into the couch. Watching TV tires me. I watch and by the end of the episode, I have no idea what I just watched. Listening to audiobooks tires me. I have started the same chapter every night for the last seven days. I can’t tell you who the main characters are. Thinking about feeding myself tires me. I don’t even like the idea of most food, even my favorites, let alone the idea that I have to prepare anything. It is honestly just easier to not eat unless someone puts food down in front of me. I look at my phone. I see the calendar. Two thirty minute meetings and the weight of exhaustion sits on my chest. After, I had to lay on my bed with black out curtains drawn, with only my dog to lay on my chest, reducing all sensory input. I closed my eyes, but I did not sleep. I had to drive fifteen minutes on the freeway and anxiety filled my body. I moved to the slowest lane. I hate having to leave my five mile loop around town, or drive faster than 40 miles per hour. I cannot keep track of time. My calendar and organization of time was a super skill I had developed to manage my poor working memory and time management. If everything was in the calendar, with notifications, then I didn’t have to remember something or drop the ball. Now, time escapes me. I can keep time to make it to at most four activities a day: my morning walk with the dogs, my daughter to school, picking my daughter up, getting into bed. Those are the only times I can seem to keep in my mind. I look at the calendar. Then the clock. Then back at the calendar, an empty memory of when I am supposed to do anything. In my relationships, I am not engaging in conversation. It is easier to listen than to participate. I can talk to the clerk in passing, but only because it is empty. I cannot find the words to express what is inside of me, nor do I know how to even begin to share it with another person. All of this is of course exacerbated by the fact that I am not only autistic, but I have complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD), which has led me to be hyper-independent. I’ve learned to survive by not relying on anyone else to care for my needs; because until recently - my reality wasn’t acknowledged. I’ve been reading about autistic burnout and skill regression. I do identify with autistic burnout. I am now eight weeks into my twelve week leave from work. The idea of going back seems an impossibility. I do not, however, identify with the word regression. In particular, it’s not that I do not cognitively understand how to do something – for example, to eat food, you first make a choice on what to eat, prepare it, put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow. I cognitively understand how to do all this, it’s just that I can’t actually get myself to eat on my own. I stand there – staring at the fridge. There are too many choices and too much work between making that choice and actually eating. I know what I’m supposed to do, I just can’t seem to act, and that feels like a regression in my ability to cope with demand and load, not the ability to do the thing. This text is a snippet from my next book: After the Masquerade. For early access to the book and other resources, upgrade to a paid subscription via substack at natashastavros.substack.com [http://natashastavros.substack.com]. Get full access to A Jester's Musings at natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe [https://natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Ep 6: What Is Autism, Really? A NASA Scientist Explains It Through the Lens of Light

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 1 * Episode number: 6 * Release date: 2026-05-21 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) [https://natashastavros.substack.com/p/this-is-not-a-self-help-book-its?r=3l45f2] * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist [https://www.sarahliebmanmft.com/], ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: https://smithmusiclab.com/Noah Smith [https://smithmusiclab.com/] * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:30:50 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: What is autism — really? In the Season 1 finale of Following the Threads, Natasha Stavros, Ph.D. and Sarah Liebman, MFT break down autism spectrum disorder from three angles: the DSM-5 clinical criteria, the current state of neurobiological research, and what disability actually looks and feels like in daily adult life. They unpack why the diagnostic framework still skews toward children and boys, why the science remains correlative rather than mechanistic, and how ableism — both external and internalized — shapes the identity of every late-diagnosed autistic adult. The episode closes with a reframe: the shift from "I have autism and something is wrong with me" to "I am autistic, and the world wasn't built for my rainbow" is the moment unmasking, self-compassion, and real change become possible. Inspired by the forthcoming memoir After the Masquerade. Key takeaways about what is autism * The DSM wasn’t built for you. The clinical criteria for autism were designed around children — specifically boys — which is why so many adults, especially women, go undiagnosed for decades. Understanding that the diagnostic framework is incomplete, not that you are, is the first step. * Ableism isn’t just external — it lives inside you. The shame, the “I don’t try hard enough,” the sense that your struggles are a moral failing: that’s internalized ableism, not the truth. Unmasking means learning to separate your neurodivergent traits from the meanings a neurotypical world attached to them. * Your brain isn’t broken — it’s a different rainbow. Autism doesn’t mean deviation from normal; it means your brain function follows a different but persistent pattern. The disability isn’t the pattern itself — it’s what happens when the energy required to comply with a world built for the average rainbow exceeds your capacity. Resources and references For more information on this topic, check out Clarifying Autism in the DSM-5: A guide for adults by Embrace Autism [https://embrace-autism.com/clarifying-autism-in-the-dsm-5/]. While research has found correlation between ASD and neurobiological (brain and genetic) factors, a recent review Frontiers in Psychology shows that these studies do not sufficiently characterize the full clinical and behavioral heterogeneity [https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1558081/full]. Part of that is data sufficiency and sample size across gradients of variation, and part of that could be ableism. A recent perspective piece in Frontiers in Psychiatry argues that autism science has a history of false leads in part because of unexamined ableist ideologies that undergird researcher framings and interpretations of evidence [https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1244451/full] What actually qualifies as disabled is when the amount of energy it takes to “fit” into the neurotypical mold exceeds one’s capacity. It’s not a choice. It’s a hardwired, physiological challenge that inhibits you from continued and sustained participation as “abled”. [https://theautismdoctor.substack.com/p/decoding-autistic-meltdowns-and-shutdowns] Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it. The Unmasking Autism Diary: Memoir Excerpt on Autism Beyond the DSM - Identity, Science, and the Spectrum My therapist asked me if I knew what autism is. Here is what I said. But first, you must know who I am so that you can understand my perspective. I am not a psychologist, a psychotherapist, nor a neuroscientist. I did get a PhD in quantitative forest ecology as the first person to quantify extreme fire events under climate change. I have a bachelors in mathematics, which had the oh so very big graduating class of about 30 people at an R1 university with over 30,000 students. Later, I did a post-doc at NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California Institute of Technology. Over the last six years I have written a book on science, innovation, leadership, and systematically changing broken systems. [Side bar: subscribers get updates on the book launch and substack paid subscribers get an early autographed, hardback copy of the book]. My understanding of autism comes from lived experience or from reading other people’s research and educational content as a researcher and scientist myself. I do have deep knowledge of science, measurement, mathematics, and systems. In science there are a few things that we can measure - time, length, mass, electric current, thermodynamic temperature, amount, luminous intensity, and electromagnetic energy. In remote sensing, my background of research, we measure either the electromagnetic energy of particles, or the collective vibration of atoms. Most of my work focused on measuring energy radiated and emitted across the electromagnetic spectrum. The electromagnetic spectrum spans radio waves to gamma waves. My area of focus extended just beyond visible light into the shortwave, mid, and longwave infrared. For simplicity, let’s use only the visible part of the spectrum - this is a rainbow. Imagine that everything you look at has a rainbow associated with it. That rainbow represents the unique characteristics of it – for example, the rainbow of a pine tree represents its water content, health, bark to leaf ratio, etc. Now, if we took all the pine trees and averaged their rainbows together, we would expect that whenever we saw a rainbow that looked like that, it could very likely be a pine tree. But what happens when a pine tree has to live in harsh conditions on the side of a cliff, and it is in nutrient poor soil with harsh winds? Its roots may be more present and it may have a skewed nutrient representation - both affecting that pine tree’s rainbow. Autism is like this. If we were to imagine that everyone’s brain function was a rainbow, it is not a leap to imagine how we build our society and our systems with the average rainbow in mind. But, someone who is autistic has a rainbow that doesn’t quite look like average. Technically, everyone’s rainbow differs from average, but it’s the amount of variation in your unique rainbow that determines how much energy it takes to comply with average assumptions. When the needed energy to comply exceeds your capacity, that’s when you become “disabled” and require more support to comply. Does everyone have a unique rainbow that differs from the average? Yes. Does everyone need support to function within the unimodal assumption of normalcy? No. What autism, ADHD, and AuDHD tell us is that there are persistent patterns in those rainbows of brain function, enough so – that brain function is not a unimodal distribution. Brain function is a multi-modal distribution, and we can map those patterns of difference in brain function to human behavior, and that’s what we see when we look at what autism is in the diagnostic statistical manual (DSM) for mental health. By classifying neurodivergent people as disabled, we inherently prioritize one way of living and penalize people for deviating from the average rainbow. This perpetuates ableism and supremacy – the idea that average brain function is a supreme way of being. When in reality, unique rainbows can harness immense creativity and exceptional ability. This text is a snippet from my next book: After the Masquerade. For early access to the book and other resources, upgrade to a paid subscription via substack at natashastavros.substack.com [http://natashastavros.substack.com]. Get full access to A Jester's Musings at natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe [https://natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Ep 5: How to Get an Adult Autism, ADHD, or AuDHD Assessment

Show Notes Episode details * Season: 1 * Episode number: 5 * Release date: 2026-05-21 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) [https://natashastavros.substack.com/p/this-is-not-a-self-help-book-its?r=3l45f2] * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist [https://www.sarahliebmanmft.com/], ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: https://smithmusiclab.com/Noah Smith [https://smithmusiclab.com/] * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:26:10 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: What actually happens during an adult autism evaluation — and how do you know if you can trust the person doing it? In this episode of Following the Threads, Natasha Stavros (Ph.D., autistic) and Sarah Liebman (MFT, ADHD) walk through the real experience of getting an autism assessment as an adult. They trace the evolution of the DSM from 1952 to today, explaining why the diagnostic criteria have historically missed women and late-diagnosed adults. They break down what to expect in the room, how to evaluate your evaluator for cultural competency, current research awareness, and neurodivergent-affirming practice, as well as what kind of resources and support you should expect to have in place. The episode closes with Natasha's personal account of the moment she received her diagnosis, and a frank conversation about why your nearest support circle may not be your best one. Inspired by the forthcoming memoir After the Masquerade. Key takeaways getting an adult autism, ADHD, or AuDHD assessment * The Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) of mental health is in its fifth version! It’s changed a lot over the years as we learn more about the variation in representation based on the breadth of experiences. It is still very much written in a way that centers a young boy’s experience. Girls have different social expectations that shape the experience that someone has and how they adjust their behavior to survive. * Evaluate your evaluator - how do you know if you should trust this evaluator with something so deeply personal as sharing what you have tried so hard to keep hidden? You want to do what you can to find out if your evaluator is taking a nuanced and current on the research approach, or if they are applying a cookie cutter approach without thought put into the difference in diagnosing children, and adults, and how gender and race plays a role. * Ring theory [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)] was developed by Susie Silk and Barry Goldman and it describes a social framework for navigating crisis through organizing support in concentric circles that prioritizes support for those closest to the situation. Often cartoons depict this theory with the individual at the center, and then spouse, family, friends, community, etc. The problem with that is that sometimes when getting an assessment, you might be the first person in your network to do it. It might be that your next circle of “closeness” from whom you would normally seek support, doesn’t feel safe. * We have built our lives in a world that begins to know you one way for better or worse, and how they have interacted with you shapes the narrative they hold of themselves. When you confront that, there is likely to be some confusion or the worst rejection. * But it’s so important to remember that as much as you may still feel you have to learn about your own autistic experience. We are often sharing these things with people who only have you know a pop culture, understanding or who themselves may feel kind of uncovered by you. Resources and references * Clarifying Autism in the DSM-5: A guide for adults by Embrace Autism [https://embrace-autism.com/clarifying-autism-in-the-dsm-5/]. * University of Oregon: The Autism History Project [https://blogs.uoregon.edu/autismhistoryproject/topics/autism-in-the-dsm/] describes the evolution of the * Free open-access academic review of Sex and gender impacts on the behavioral presentation and recognition of autism [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31815760/] * From The Autism Center, hosted on Sheppard Pratt Insights: The Autism Spectrum Gender Gap [https://www.sheppardpratt.org/insights/story/the-autism-spectrum-gender-gap/] * If you are looking for an adult autism assessment Prosper Health [https://www.prosperhealth.io/] is a US provider and is current in their research and methods with support services including assessment, psychotherapy, educational seminars, and an online community. * Great article on green light and red flags when evaluating a therapist foe neurodivergent-affirming care [https://theautismdoctor.substack.com/p/15-therapist-red-flags-autistic-adults?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=6861771&post_id=202058728&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=false&r=3l45f2&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email]. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it. The Unmasking Autism Diary: Memoir Excerpt on Adult Autism Assessment It’s been a month of evaluation – multiple online intake forms – both multiple choice and long answer, as well as many phone calls and nagging conversations with my husband and father to fill in their portions of the assessment – also online forms both multiple choice and long answer. Then, there were the two 1.5 hour assessments with a psychologist. It was funny sitting there with the psychologist. I am very familiar and comfortable with research and researchers, but for the first time, I was the object of study. When I had read the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders, I was truly perplexed as to whether or not I was autistic. The DSM criteria are strangely specific and obtuse. By my rudimentary interpretation of the literal translation of the DSM criteria into assessing my world, I was surely not autistic. The psychologist performed her evaluation, sticking to the DSM criteria but asking clarifying questions to my answers. I never really knew if I was answering correctly for any one of the, what felt like, hundreds of questions I was asked. Then, today, she read me my evaluation. Autistic. The tears flooded my eyes. It was like coming up for air amidst the tire and terror of treading water, barely keeping my head above water and surviving in this world amidst severe depression and anxiety. Every cell in my body expanded with oxygen and I felt relief embrace my body. She started by explaining the organizational structure of the DSM and then reading evidence to support her evaluation of me within each criteria. As she read, she referenced common representations as they varied by identity in age and gender, but how when you account for that variation in lived experience, the patterns still hold. Society has normalized a depiction of autism spectrum disorder through movies and television that prioritizes one way of experiencing the differences in brain function that autism describes and the way that the world responds to those experiences. For example, as a woman, I have been conditioned to comply with and placate the people around me with niceties and humility. While leadership coaches and influencers advise speaking with confidence and removing unnecessary apologies and use of the word “just” to belittle my presumption for authority, I have found that this is not well received by people. Often I receive feedback that I should be “softer” or that I am “overly confident” or “arrogant.” This means that masking was taught to me as a means of likability and thus survivorship much earlier than it would have been if I was a boy. Similarly, as an adult I have learned what is accepted and I aim for it every minute of every day, judging myself and living the judgment of others when I fail. As a child, I was far less concerned with how others or myself perceived me. I just existed. It was through the psychologist’s study of these variations that she was able to interpret my responses in the context of the intent behind each criteria. She described each criteria and what it meant. Then she cited evidence from my, my husband, and my father’s testimony that supported how I qualified as meeting the criteria. As she read my evaluation, for the first time - I truly felt seen, not judged. This text is a snippet from my next book: After the Masquerade. For early access to the book and other resources, upgrade to a paid subscription via substack at natashastavros.substack.com [http://natashastavros.substack.com]. Get full access to A Jester's Musings at natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe [https://natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Ep 4: Preparing to get an Adult Autism Evaluation (3 of 3) - Tuning In, Not Out

Show Notes Episode details * Season: 1 * Episode number: 4 * Release date: 2026-05-07 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) [https://natashastavros.substack.com/p/this-is-not-a-self-help-book-its?r=3l45f2] * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist [https://www.sarahliebmanmft.com/], ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: https://smithmusiclab.com/Noah Smith [https://smithmusiclab.com/] * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:31:11 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: In this episode of Following the Threads, Natasha Stavros and therapist Sarah Liebman explore how “tuning in” to internal and external sensory signals is essential when preparing for an adult autism assessment. Natasha reflects on a moment of sudden overwhelm that revealed how she had spent years ignoring her body’s warning signs to fit social expectations. The conversation expands beyond the five traditional senses to include interoception, proprioception, neuroception, and more—highlighting how neurodivergent individuals may experience these signals as heightened or muted. The hosts also introduce the concept of “attacks on linking,” where people disconnect patterns in their behavior to avoid shame or self-judgment. A key theme is shifting from judgment to curiosity. By observing patterns without labeling them as “bad,” individuals can build self-compassion and better understand their experiences. This shift helps reveal long-standing behavioral and relational patterns that may have been compartmentalized. Ultimately, the episode emphasizes that self-awareness—grounded in curiosity rather than shame—enables more accurate assessments, healthier boundaries, and a stronger sense of identity in the process of late diagnosis. Key takeaways to prepare for an adult autism assessment: * Tuning in to your senses is critical for accurate self-understanding. Preparing for an adult autism assessment requires noticing—not suppressing—your internal signals (e.g., overwhelm, discomfort, body cues). Many neurodivergent adults have learned to ignore these signals, which can obscure patterns needed for diagnosis. * Unrecognized patterns are often hidden by “attacks on linking”. People may unconsciously disconnect patterns in behavior (e.g., social challenges, sensory issues) to avoid shame. This prevents them from seeing meaningful connections that could explain their experiences and support diagnosis. * Curiosity, not judgment, enables self-compassion and clarity. Shifting from “what’s wrong with me?” to “what’s happening and why?” helps reduce shame, build self-compassion, and reveal consistent patterns. This mindset improves both the assessment process and long-term self-understanding Resources and references For more information on this topic, check out this fantastic article about the senses you can tune into: Learn more about sensory processing disorder [https://www.spdfoundation.net/fundamental-facts-about-spd/], a condition disproportionately affecting people with Autism and ADHD, and differences in children, teens, and adults [https://ilslearningcorner.com/2015-12-does-sensory-processing-disorder-look-different-adults-children/]. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it. The Unmasking Autism Diary: Memoir Expert on When You Tune In, Not Out When I got the adult autism assessment it was because I couldn’t seem to hold down a job. I hadn’t really thought about how it could change relationships. While obvious in retrospect, I had somehow compartmentalized the problematic patterns of my life so that I couldn’t see them. Sure, I had friendship break ups before. So many that it caused tension with my husband, Noah, when we first got married. He was afraid that one day, it would happen to us. I didn’t understand how my lack of ability to hold friendships had anything to do with him. Now, I see it is all related. Every single relationship – my family, my friends, my lovers, my colleagues, my community…. the patterns of interaction hold. We get along until one day, we don’t. I cannot cope. I melt down and eventually shut down. I tune out and dissociate. Over the years, I have wondered how I connect with such diverse people from all walks of life, and to be frank - why others struggle to do the same. From the abusive boyfriends to drug dealers, the unhoused, the trustfund kid, the famous people, the strangers from other countries and everything in between, the one thing that every single person I’ve ever connected with on a deeper level had in common, was a need for friendship. Sometimes, that is literally the only thing we have in common, and I never questioned whether it was enough to warrant my trust, security, or acceptance. I would dive head first into a relationship. On my 39th birthday, I had a lovely morning with two friends getting pedicures at an upscale spa, which I have never done before in my life. I’ve always viewed “upscale” as very little value added to the functional service for which I am paying. After the pedicure, I was supposed to see a different friend for lunch. I hadn’t seen her in months and was excited to share about how much had changed. Within fifteen minutes, we arrived at the restaurant. I hadn’t even looked at the menu, and she began accusing me of having audacity and arrogance. My heart pounded. My chest tightened. I interrupted that that was not my reality, and then I stood and left. I walked in the slushy snow nearly a mile to meet up with a friend who could drive me home. When Noah got home, we talked. That friend at the restaurant had called and texted him concerned about my erratic behavior. He read to me his response. What struck me was his observation that he knows this can happen, and that for the first time, we have the understanding that I am autistic. That I don’t see the “red flags” that others do, and that he has seen with this friend for quite some time. When I finally notice how unhealthy the relationships are, I get overwhelmed with a deep need to protect myself, and in that panic – I yell, I get big, I swear…. a lot; and then – I cut ties. As I looked at him reading his text back to me, for the first time while being blamed as the cause of yet another fraught relationship, I felt seen, supported, and safe. By centering my experience, the physiological response to fear – rooted in real traumas of all the times my inability to respond appropriately ended in catastrophic, life altering events – I was able to shift from shame and blame to… empathy. My therapist asked me what results when that shift happens. I reflected this wasn’t too different from many of the other social conflicts I had experienced. I felt afraid that this person was feeding me an unbearable truth about me that was not my truth. So often I have felt misunderstood and absorbed others’ projected image of me as my own. By tuning in, acknowledging the autistic meltdown, I was able to remove myself from an unhealthy situation without judgement. I felt empowered to protect my truth: I am not an arrogant, abrasive, malevolent, or audacious person. I am imperfectly human; I am direct; and I am autistic, which means that I do not understand social dynamics the way others do. I am also prone to autistic meltdowns that are exhausting, involuntary reactions with a temporary loss of behavioral control when exposed to sensory, emotional, or cognitive stress [https://reframingautism.org.au/all-about-autistic-meltdowns-a-guide-for-allies/]. I need friends who are willing to accept this about me, and to work with me as an ally, rather than perpetuate disdain and judgment. This text is a snippet from my next book: After the Masquerade. For early access to the book and other resources, upgrade to a paid subscription via substack at natashastavros.substack.com [http://natashastavros.substack.com]. Get full access to A Jester's Musings at natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe [https://natashastavros.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]