Walter Rhein Podcast

Walter Rhein Podcast

Why You Just Have to Accept That Your Narcissistic Parent Is Never Going to Love You Back

11 min · 17. Juni 2026
Loslegen
Episode Why You Just Have to Accept That Your Narcissistic Parent Is Never Going to Love You Back Cover

Beschreibung

If these options are too much, please DM me. I’d love to have you as a supporter! Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] My father was the first to invoke the word “hate” when it came to describing our relationship. My girlfriend and I were in the car with him. He said something awful. I responded. He went into a typical, petulant, narcissistic huff and grumbled, “Great, now you hate me too.” Even in the heat of the moment, I thought it odd that he’d pick that word. It has taken me thirty years to recognize his choice was a consequence of the feelings he harbored for me. With narcissists, every accusation is a confession. We know that already, but that phrase has relevance on levels we haven’t yet given ourselves permission to explore. Looking back, I recognize that his hate began about the time I turned thirteen. As I grew into my power, he grew into his hate. Perhaps if I’d stayed a soft little boy all my life, we could have maintained a state of perpetual indifference. He could have gone on with his forgetting of my birthdays, and even my name. I could have gone on pretending I didn’t need recognition or affection from anybody. It was a dynamic of survival and I just barely survived. One of the main skills you learn from growing up with a narcissist is self-actualization. It’s not taught to you. You figure it out as you thrash around in the storm looking for a lifeline. But the self-actualization you learn under those circumstances is tainted. It consists of an understanding that expectations lead to disappointment. If you stop yourself from hoping, you can never be disappointed. If you stop yourself from feeling, you can never be hurt. You survive, but you die anyway. Really all you teach yourself is to not trust anyone. I know my dad was bullied terribly as a child. I pity him as a child. As an adult, he has a responsibility to process and overcome his pain. The trauma of the parent should never be seen as the child’s responsibility to fix. His job was to love me. He abdicated that duty. It took me a long time to overcome the liabilities of my indoctrinated worldview. I carried traces of that stunted emotional development into my marriage. My wife taught me that I could trust her. We learned to celebrate each other. When you teach yourself not to have expectations, you are cut off from recognizing the expectations of others. It’s a self-imposed blind spot that becomes a self-inflicted wound. That attitude sabotages any chance of ever cultivating any sincere and enduring affection. Today, I pay attention to my wife’s expectations and I aspire to meet them. Sometimes I fail, but I try. We forgive each other. We do better. We don’t fester in eternal frustration. No expectations, no disappointment, is no way to live. My dad could tolerate me when I was small and weak, but he started to get nervous as I grew. He was careful to keep me broken down. He emphasized my weaknesses and never celebrated my achievements. He humiliated me in public every time it seemed I might be feeling good about myself. I accepted his behavior as that of a normal, loving parent. I didn’t realize until much later that his behavior was an example of hate. Even now, he wouldn’t admit that’s what he felt. If i confronted him he’d likely go into a rage. Either that, or he’d go into his typical, petulant, narcissistic huff. “You’re so ungrateful,” he’d say. “Everything was fine until you went insane.” The tragedy of my father’s life is that it’s unexamined. At no point did he ever reflect on his behaviors and recognize how he pushed away anyone who truly cared. Their affection made him uncomfortable because he’d trained himself to think it impossible. He taught himself to hate anyone who loved him, and he made us suffer for it. “It’s not me that’s cruel, it’s the world,” he’d claim. “Why am I to blame? Why do you hate me? I’m just beating you to make you tougher so you can survive? Don’t you see? Everything good in your life is because of me!” He drove friends and loved ones away and had the nerve to feel grievance rather than remorse. The question he should have asked is whether or not his cruelty was truly necessary? Could he not have fortified those around him by another means? Perhaps a means that offered less brutality? “We’ve always done it this way? Look at me! That’s the way my parents raised me and I turned out okay!” Alone and angry and aggrieved is not okay. I think in my case I broke the cycle through a combination of fear and resentment. I grew stronger than he is. I earned better grades. I had beautiful girlfriends. I was better looking, funnier, more popular. I exceeded him in every way and he hated me for it. I now have children of my own. They, too, are better than me in every way possible. Their mother is from Peru and we live in Northern Wisconsin. They possess a beauty that renders people awkward and stunned. My children are better athletes than me. They’re smarter. They engage in astonishing flights of creativity. In every way possible they’ve exceeded me. I do not resent them for it. In fact, nothing could bring me more joy. I celebrate their power every day. I do my best to cultivate it. I see them on a trajectory that will lead to heights I could have never imagined. I’ve never once felt any resentment for them over their good fortune. I’m only relieved that they didn’t have to endure the same torments the universe had in store for me. The difference between me and my father is that I don’t hate my children. I don’t even hate my father. But he hates me. He’s always hated me, even if he’s never been able to admit it to himself. As I became stronger, he did his best to break me down. Again, I didn’t realize I was in a life or death struggle with an enemy. I thought this was simply the way growing up had to be. I tried to abide by the unspoken rules of our relationship, even though they didn’t make sense to me. My father’s rules were contradictory. He became mad if I got good grades and mad if I didn’t. I tried and tried but he couldn’t be pleased. I see now that confusion was his strategy. He wanted to overwhelm me into complacency. Cultivating impostor syndrome, accusations of moral depravity, calling me a deadbeat, all of this was leveraged to make me voluntarily abdicate my autonomy. “Why even try when you’ll never be as good as me?” Self-doubt and self-destruction are the two primary weapons of an authoritarian. They know they lose their power when challenged. When they recognize a potential enemy is growing in strength, they commit to a strategy of sabotage. In my early twenties, I was a broken person. I dropped out of college because of crippling anxiety. I couldn’t speak to my fellow classmates. Whenever I opened my mouth, I had to prepare for humiliation. I’d learned that humiliation was how people communicated with each other. My conscious mind had convinced itself that’s how they shared affection. But my second mind, my intuitive mind, knew better. It took me thirty years to consciously recognize that my father hated me, but some part knew right away. I began to distance myself from him. The longer the absences went, the more I was able to heal. I started running marathons and doing cross-country ski races. I stacked successes. I became more powerful. I achieved things impervious to the malicious robbery of his spiteful comments. Crossing the finish line of a thirty mile ski race in subfreezing conditions, I felt at peace. The volume was turned down. His influence was on the wane. I began to recognize I didn’t need him. Abusive people try to make you dependent. They ruin your self-esteem by claiming you’re worthless. Then they try to present themselves as the only relationship that you will ever need. “You aren’t smart enough to support yourself. You need me. Get over it. You should be more grateful.” How many times have I heard him say, “You should be more grateful?” Grateful for what? Your hate? The hardest part of getting away is coming upon a new challenge. Life is hard under the best of circumstances. You face obstacle after obstacle. You can get away from an abuser, things can be going fine, and then something hits that will drive you back to them. Because they hate you, they’ll leverage the moment for all its worth. “Only I can fix this problem. You see? You see? You need me. You can never escape me. Stop pretending that you’re something you’re not.” They are out there counting on the trauma bond to bring you back. To sever that, you must find a new support community. You must ask for help from the people he’s made you think will never offer any. That’s the last challenge you have to overcome before you’re finally free. That’s the last bit of grooming you have to expel. Understand your narcissistic abuser hates you. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Any time they appear to be doing something kind, it’s only so that they can abuse you further. My father was the first person to invoke the word “hate” to describe our relationship. He accused me of having the feelings he harbored. It confused me when he used that word. I hadn’t realized then that he’d accidentally told the truth about himself. I had a long way to go to free myself of his influence. The tragedy in all this is that, at any point, he could have simply put his hate away. He could have made the choice to celebrate my victories rather than view them as a mirror for his shame. He could have resolved to become an ally rather than an adversary. He pressured me to choose between loving myself and loving him. He framed self-love as selfish. My wife taught me different. For decades, I tried to make myself see the world from his perspective, but in the end I chose myself, I chose my wife, I chose my kids. My narcissistic father hates me, but I still love him. It’s such a shame to consider all he was given that went to waste. Even now he refuses to recognize the truth, but his, not mine, was the life that became a sacrifice to hate. Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Kommentare

0

Sei die erste Person, die kommentiert

Melde dich jetzt an und werde Teil der Walter Rhein Podcast-Community!

Loslegen

2 Monate für 1 €

Dann 4,99 € / Monat · Jederzeit kündbar.

  • Podcasts nur bei Podimo
  • 20 Stunden Hörbücher / Monat
  • Alle kostenlosen Podcasts
Loslegen

Alle Folgen

1000 Folgen

Episode Corporate AIPAC Democrats Have Never Used Their Political Power to Oppose Antisemitism Cover

Corporate AIPAC Democrats Have Never Used Their Political Power to Oppose Antisemitism

Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I’m sick and tired of watching blue MAGA attempt to browbeat us with the same dishonest tactics the Republicans have been using for more than a decade. It’s also pitiful that so many intelligent, highly-educated people fall right into the trap of allowing intellectually dishonest people to frame every narrative. I’ve gotten drawn into enough disingenuous attacks disguised as conversations to develop a few tactics to derail these assaults. The fact that our corporate owned representatives haven’t adopted these methods makes me inclined to think they’re often the ones funding and deploying the bots. There’s nothing MAGA likes more than to make false accusations of bigotry or racism. They have an advantage in this kind of argument because MAGA is utterly without scruples. They like to see us defensive. You see, decent people are troubled by even the suggestion that they might have said or done something inappropriate. Meanwhile, the joy MAGA derives from behaving boorishly is matched only by their delight in accusing others of the same. MAGA always accuses the innocent of the crimes they themselves commit. For more than a decade our AIPAC owned corporate Democrats have been befuddled by this tactic. This is because they’re a bunch of silver spoon jerks who were driven to a private school by a personal chauffer. They’ve never had to deal with bullies, but they steadfastly refuse to listen to anyone who has. The answer to dealing with bullies is to not “reach across the aisle” to them. You don’t make deals with them. You don’t try to see things from their point of view. You don’t engage in wishful thinking that they’ll stop being awful. Instead, you call them out on it. I’ve been doing this for years. When MAGA shows up and starts saying, “Well, actually it’s the left that’s racist…” I interrupt. “So, you agree that being racist is wrong?” At this point they begin to sputter, “Well, obviously, I…” You have to interrupt again or they’ll just talk and talk. “Good, then why don’t we join together and pass some laws that create consequences for being racist? Enough talk, let’s have some action.” That last sentence is the critical part. All the phonies in politics, big media, and social media want to waste all your time in circular discussions that never get anywhere. This is how the fake media gets paid. This is why so many of the big platforms everybody respects so much waste all their time talking about the reflecting pool rather than using their power to elevate progressive challengers to corrupt incumbents. Many of the big platforms people support are nothing more than a cog in the distraction mechanism. They’re not with us. The platforms that do nothing but scream insults at the occupant of the Oval Office rather than providing actionable information are just another form of distraction. They’re false. They’re doing the work of the regime. Stop supporting them. Lately, we’re seeing that the corporate Democrats are going on the offensive. They’re in a full on panic after the New York primaries where the voters came out and replaced worthless representatives with some good ones. Naturally, people are going on the news and complaining that this violates some “unwritten code” about not speaking out against incumbents. Excuse me? Since when were we ruled by “unwritten codes.” If a representative is worthless and corrupt, they need to be replaced. At the end of the day, the voters get to decide and it’s time for AIPAC bought Democrats to be reminded of that. But because they’re in a panic, AIPAC Democrats are using the most deceitful tactics available to them. They’re accusing everyone who doesn’t agree with them of “antisemitism.” The purpose of making a horrific accusation like that is to get us on our heels and take the wind out of the sails of our activism. They expect us to retreat and defend ourselves. Instead, we need to double down and push back. I personally think antisemitism is disgusting. I also think it’s disgusting that neo-nazi groups have been allowed to run roughshod over our whole country. They openly gather in the street with their racist chants and propaganda. They’re domestic terrorist groups and our AIPAC funded corporate Democrats have done NOTHING to stop them. That leads me to believe that it’s actually our AIPAC funded corporate Democrats that can be accused of antisemitism. What other explanation do we have for the fact that they’ve never used their political power to stop hate groups in our country? Neo-nazi groups commit crimes all the time. Many of them attacked the Capitol. Round them up, arrest them. It’s telling that our AIPAC funded corporate Democrats are more offended by people having discussions on social media than they are by domestic terrorist groups committing violence in the streets. It’s because our AIPAC funded corporate Democrats are not being truthful. They’re fixated on a distraction. They want an argument. They don’t want action. They currently have all the power. I would be overwhelmed with happiness if they actually took an initiative to stop antisemitism. But they haven’t done that for the decade they’ve been in power, and they sure aren’t going to start now. The corporate Democrats currently in office are only concerned with keeping their own power. In pursuit of this objective, they’re going to attempt to sow the seeds of division among groups that should be allies. Authoritarians always use division. They own the media. They own the legal system. They own politics. The antisemitism in the United States is THEIR fault. They could have stopped it years ago but they don’t want to. Why don’t they want to? It’s because it’s a convenient thing to trot out again every time it appears the general public is organizing enough to become a threat to their power. They do the same thing with racism. They’re always attempting to drive wedges into our unity. Do not fall for their trick. The simple fact is that the AIPAC owned corporate Democrats are just as much as complicit in the corruption of our government as the Republicans. All of the problems in our society are their fault. We are not going to see justice until we remove the majority of our sitting politicians and replace them with women and men of integrity. They own virtually all mechanisms of communication and they’re very well-funded. They’re going to try and brainwash us. But there’s a very easy response. Simply ask why they’ve never used their political power to do anything about the rise of antisemitism in the USA? Why have they been historically tolerant of neo-nazis? Why do they allow malicious groups to erode our educational system? I’m not defending the awful things people say on social media, but we don’t even know where those comments are coming from. For all we know, it’s just a bunch of noise spewed by AI bots the AIPAC owned corporate Democrats deployed to fabricate their argument. I’m much more concerned about violent, racist criminals committing acts of terrorism in our streets. Let’s do something about that group, and not fall for the distractions or division any longer. Let’s have some accountability for a change rather than feel compelled to bow down to a feckless group of cowards who has no talent other than to deflect suspicion that they might be the authors of all our pain. Let’s end antisemitism. Let’s arrest the neo-nazi domestic terrorist groups. Let’s DO something rather than stand around pointing the finger all the time. If you agree, then help me elevate some decent candidates of integrity. The old guard has done nothing for us. It’s time for a change. Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

1. Juli 20267 min
Episode What's the Appropriate Action for This Moment? Cover

What's the Appropriate Action for This Moment?

Wow, Jessica Denson [https://substack.com/profile/336645391-jessica-denson] is a breath of fresh air. I’ve already invited her onto another show. In this interview, she told a story of how she got kicked off a larger platform for speaking her mind. Friends, I’m telling you that you have to stop supporting millionaire owned publications. They’re censoring us. They deplatform people. They maintain a cruel status quo. We need to support people of integrity. We need to support people of authenticity. We need to support people who take action and insist on accountability. Jessica is one of those people, you can support her here: Also, here’s her call to action: Folks, this is how you move the needle. You move it by forcing a vote, by putting people’s names on the record. And when they are the holdouts, you name and shame them and then you force a vote again. We need rule and it’s called rule nine. We need rule nine invoked on House Resolution 1155. You can go to removetheregime.com [https://www.removetheregime.com/]. You will find there the number for Congress, which you should all know well, 202-224-3121. You will also find the number for Rep. John Larson’s office, 202-225-2265. Call this man. Thank you NeuroDivergent Hodgepodge [https://substack.com/profile/290170277-neurodivergent-hodgepodge], Chris Resists [https://substack.com/profile/315050911-chris-resists], 🇨🇦 Natalie Woodn’t 🇨🇦 [https://substack.com/profile/290887129-natalie-woodnt], Rachel-We are Renee and Keith [https://substack.com/profile/305439072-rachel-we-are-renee-and-keith], Jeffry Weidner [https://substack.com/profile/23683480-jeffry-weidner], and many others for tuning into my live video with Jessica Denson [https://substack.com/profile/336645391-jessica-denson]! Join me for my next live video in the app. Pay what you can: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Gestern28 min
Episode What's the Vulcan Neck Pinch Daddy? Cover

What's the Vulcan Neck Pinch Daddy?

Please support me if you can! Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I got my kids to sit down to watch the new ‘Star Trek’ movies. We’d been watching ‘Sherlock’ with Bennedict Cumberbatch, so that was the gateway. “Oh, that guy,” they said. Familiarity is how you provide motivation to try something new. Imagine referring to Star Trek as something new. It was new for them. “Why are they wearing red, blue and yellow?” “Science, engineering, and command.” My wife tried to remember the name of the Captain of the Enterprise. She got it wrong in a way that was almost perfectly right. “Chris Pine?” my eldest said with some skepticism. “Yeah, he’s Captain Dick,” my wife said. “Really? His name is Captain Dick?” “Kirk,” I replied. Then I thought for a moment. “But it might as well be Captain Dick.” “Who’s that guy with the big ears?” “That’s Cock,” said my wife. “Spock!” I replied. “I don’t understand old shows,” my youngest said. The movie played on. Kirk did his thing. Every time a young woman walked by, he turned around and smiled. “Come to think of it, Captain Dick would have been better,” I said. “Right?” At the end of the film, Spock screams, “Khaaan!” Then he gets energized down to the planet for a desperate footrace. Nobody asks why they didn’t just beam him directly to where he needed to go. Even in space you need a footrace. During the climactic scene, Spock and Khan engage in a fist fight on some sort of floating barge. There’s a moment when Spock grabs Khan’s shoulder and Khan grimaces in pain. I looked over at my children and they didn’t register any reaction. I realized, they knew nothing about the Vulcan neck pinch. They didn’t know that Vulcans are stronger than humans, that’s why Spock was a fair match for Khan. All this lore had been assumed by the film, but without it, the scene played as kind of ridiculous. I tried to explain the Vulcan neck pinch later on. “Yeah, Vulcans have some cool powers like the mind meld and the neck pinch.” “Uh-huh,” my teenage daughters replied. “It wasn’t that effective against Khan.” “Well, that just shows that Khan is tough, not that Vulcans are weak.” “Okay. Well what normally happens?” “If Spock does it to a human, he collapses unconscious.” “Wow.” I left it at that. The next day we watched the first Star Trek film. In the first few minutes, we get to meet Kirk’s father played by Chris Hemsworth.” “Wait a minute,” my eldest said, “they could have had Chris Hemsworth and they went with Chris Pine?” “Yeah...” “That’s a downgrade.” Later in the film, Spock grabs Kirk by the neck, rendering him unconscious. I looked over at my daughter, who gave me a delighted smirk. “Vulcan neck pinch!” she cried with triumph. It was the most ridiculous and glorious thing in the world. Later on a red shirt fell out a hole in the hull. He screamed and my daughter cried out, “Wilhelm!” They know the Wilhelm scream, they know the Vulcan neck pinch, they know his name is Kirk and not Dick. They know what it means when somebody screams, “Khaaaaaan!” I showed them the version from the 1982 film on YouTube. My daughter laughed when I typed in a line of 20 A’s and got the exact result I wanted. It popped right up. Shatner is epic. My kids are exploring new worlds and new civilizations. They’re still skeptical about the neck pinch, but they’ve learned to boldly go where no one has gone before. Or, in this case, where many have gone before. What else is there for a father to teach? That’s parenting done right. “Khaaaaaaan!” Please support me if you can! Thanks for your support: 30% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/b66e5c2e] 💙 40% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/01f1b0e8] 💙 50% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/0d3e6643] 💙 60% off [https://walterrhein.substack.com/6a8f4788] I'd Rather Be Writing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to I'd Rather Be Writing at walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe [https://walterrhein.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Gestern3 min