The Messy Middle Podcast

24 | The “Oh Hell No” Phase of Healing: When All You See are Red Flags

After narcissistic abuse or coercive control, there’s a phase nobody really talks about enough: the moment you go from missing red flags… to seeing them absolutely everywhere. In this episode, I’m talking about the hypervigilance that kicks in after emotional abuse recovery. That feeling where every comment, every inconsistency, every weird vibe suddenly feels loaded. Your nervous system is scanning constantly. Your body reacts before your brain can even catch up. You start wondering: Am I finally seeing clearly… or am I becoming too guarded? We dive into the overcorrection phase that so many survivors experience after leaving abusive relationships. The swing from over-explaining harmful behavior and giving endless benefit of the doubt… to wanting to run at the very first sign something feels “off.” I talk about: * Why your nervous system starts flagging danger everywhere after coercive control  * The difference between discernment and hypervigilance  * How trauma can blur the line between noticing something and actually being unsafe  * Why not every uncomfortable moment is automatically a toxic pattern  * Learning to trust yourself again without shutting the whole world out  * The importance of observing behavior over time instead of rushing to conclusions  * Why your body reacts so strongly to familiarity after emotional abuse  * How self-trust and discernment are rebuilt slowly, through practice and awareness  This episode is for the women who feel exhausted from constantly scanning, second-guessing, and trying to “get it right” early so they never end up trapped in abuse again. You are not broken for noticing more now. You are awake. Your awareness has expanded. And now comes the next part of healing: learning how to work with that awareness in a way that protects you without imprisoning you. As always, we’re talking nervous systems, somatics, self-trust, trauma responses, emotional safety, and the messy middle of healing after narcissistic abuse. And yes, I’ll still be reminding you to put your feet on the floor, breathe, and trust your damn self. 💛 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

23 | Dating After Abuse: Slower, Safer Sparks

If the idea of dating again still makes you feel physically ill, this episode is not for you yet, and that is completely okay. But if you have got to the point where you are dipping a toe back in, or even just thinking about it, this one is for you. Because something strange happens when you start dating after narcissistic abuse or a high control relationship. You expect to be better at spotting the warning signs. And in some ways, you are. But there is another layer that nobody really prepares you for. Your body is still wired to respond to what it got used to. That intense, fast-moving, all-consuming feeling you might get with someone new? A lot of the time that is not chemistry. That is your nervous system recognising a familiar pattern. And the person who is steady, consistent, and actually shows up? They can feel flat. Boring, even. And that is exactly where things get confusing. In this episode I get into: * Why your nervous system can make red flags feel like chemistry and safety feel like a disappointment * The difference between activation and actual connection, and why it matters so much at this stage * Why words like "boring" and "something's missing" might actually be really good signs * How the old conditioning comes back online when something feels slightly off and you start negotiating with yourself instead of trusting your gut * Why dating after abuse is less about spotting red flags faster and more about slowing everything down * The specific things worth paying attention to that go way beyond what someone says * Why you are allowed to take your time, change your mind, and not get it perfect You do not have to go into this with perfect discernment. You are allowed to learn as you go. And if dating feels confusing right now, that does not mean you have gone backwards. It means your system is recalibrating. And instead of asking yourself why you are not feeling it, try asking this instead: what is this reminding me of? That question will tell you everything. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

22 | Financial Fear After Narcissistic Abuse: What Nobody Talks About

Financial Fear After Narcissistic Abuse: What Nobody Talks About There is a moment that hits almost every woman after she leaves. Sometimes it is not right away. Sometimes it is weeks later, late at night, looking at her phone or her bank account, and it lands like a quiet, heavy dread. I am on my own. And I am going to have to fight for everything. This week I am talking about financial fear after narcissistic abuse, and I want to be honest about how much bigger this is than most people give it credit for. I have lived it. I see it every single week with the women I work with. And I think it is one of the most isolating parts of leaving, partly because so many women feel embarrassed to say it out loud. In this episode I get into: * How financial control creeps in slowly and why it is so easy to miss while you are in it * Why the aftermath is not just emotional, it is practical, and often deliberately designed to keep you in survival mode * The two ways most women respond to financial fear after leaving, and why both make complete sense * Why money after abuse is really about safety, self-trust, and whether you believe you can take care of yourself * Why so many women come out the other side with a clearer, more conscious relationship with money than they ever had before This is not about being good with money. It is about not being in the dark anymore. Because being in the dark is where your power got taken in the first place. If money feels heavy or looming right now, you are not behind. You are not incapable. You are in the middle of learning something you were probably never properly taught. And you will absolutely smash it. I promise. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

21 | The Quiet Grief of "Wasted Years"

In this episode, I’m talking about something that almost every woman I’ve ever worked with eventually hits: the quiet grief of “wasted years.” It’s that heavy moment of looking back at a relationship and thinking, I lost myself in that. Sometimes it’s years, sometimes decades. And it often comes with shame, confusion, and a harsh inner narrative that says you should have known better. But what if that whole story is built on hindsight that your past self simply didn’t have access to yet? Let’s get into it. In this episode, I cover: *  The quiet, often unspoken grief that shows up after narcissistic abuse and emotional control  * Why “I should have left sooner” is usually hindsight talking, not truth  *  How abuse dynamics, coercive control, and gaslighting distort your perception while you’re inside them Why your brain rewrites the past once you finally learn the language for what happened  * How survival, timing, and nervous system capacity all shape when you were able to see and act  *  Why those “wasted years” are often years of adaptation, not failure  * The shift that happens when grief turns into clarity, discernment, and self-trust  *  How survivors often emerge from this stage with a strong refusal to lose themselves again  This episode is not about reframing pain into positivity or skipping over grief. It’s about giving it space, naming it properly, and removing the self-blame that so often gets attached to it. Because once you understand what you were actually navigating, the question stops being “Why did I stay?” and starts becoming “How did I survive that?” And that shift changes everything about how you move forward. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

20 | Rebuilding Self-Trust After Manipulation & Abuse

If you've ever walked away from a controlling or abusive relationship and found yourself completely frozen over the smallest decisions — what to wear, whether to text someone back, what to order for lunch — this episode is for you. It's not just that you stop trusting them after manipulation, control, or abuse. You stop trusting yourself. And that's the part nobody really talks about. Your internal compass gets scrambled. Not because you're broken, but because you were trained to override it. Over time, the loudest voice in your head stops being yours. It becomes theirs. And once you understand that, everything starts to make a little more sense. In this episode, we cover: * Why making even basic decisions can feel debilitating after leaving a controlling relationship * How self-trust gets eroded slowly and quietly, not all at once * Why that harsh inner critic voice is often not yours, and whose it actually is * Why big, dramatic reinventions won't rebuild self-trust, and what actually will * How to use micro-decisions as daily medicine for your nervous system * What the freeze response really looks like, and how to gently bring choice back online * The guilt wave that shows up when you start putting yourself first  * A simple end-of-day journaling practice to start reconnecting with your own signals You don't rebuild self-trust with grand gestures or sweeping life overhauls. You rebuild it by choosing your lunch for the right reasons, leaving when you said you would, or following a tiny impulse and noticing how your body responds. It's unsexy. It's repetitive. And it is some of the most radical work you will ever do. You didn't lose your intuition. It just hasn't been listened to in a very long time. Let's change that. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.