"Curating myself to be consumable is creating more chaos,"
Greetings, friends. Happy Sunday.
I hope this message finds you well — at least in a place where you are safe and resourced enough to sit and watch a video on Substack or YouTube or wherever you find this.
I want to share this morning about a recent awareness that has come into my consciousness, one that is shining a very big light on my experiences of this past year. It’s a personal sharing that I hope will be useful to others — understood by others — and maybe actually similar to what some of you are experiencing right now.
As many of you know, who’ve been following me and my work, I am on a mission. I’ve been on a mission for some time, actively and creatively since around 2022, to bring about something new in the world. To consider this invitation of life anew on a personal and collective level — specifically inside this frame of understanding that we are here to be made new as individuals and as a world, that we are here to spiritually evolve. The frame of that evolution that I have been taught, the school of thought that I have been formed in, is the school of the new church that Immanuel Swedenborg declared was on its way, ready to descend into the world to bring about a new era of life on this planet.
After 20 years of serving an institution dedicated to that mission — serving within the forms and frames that had been established — in 2022 I started to make the turn, to suggest we really need not be bound by these forms. It was time to think more deeply, more intentionally, more creatively and exuberantly about what this invitation is, and to really start to embody it. What was really happening for me was a new embodiment. I was beginning to embody the life of the new church in a simple way, a direct way, in a way that was really changing me — changing my reactions, my habits, my assumptions — helping me to shed so many of the beliefs and habits that had been perpetuating suffering throughout my life.
So I have every confidence that this path is good, because it feels good to me, because it is creating good for me in my life, in my direct relationships, in my moment-to-moment experience of being human on the planet. And I am seeking to bring that goodness into community with others through what I call the Helen Keller Spiritual Life Collaborative [https://helenkellercollaborative.org] — through Be Love, Be Honest, Be Useful as a frame for inhabiting and understanding this new way of living that I’m starting to experience, and that I want to experience with others, for the joy of it, for the pleasure of it, for the love of it.
So, the discovery I want to share this morning — after that long preamble, thank you for being patient with me; I like words and I maybe use more than are necessary, quite regularly — what has come into my awareness very strongly, in that way that makes you laugh... I wonder if you have that experience, when you really see something about yourself, it brings laughter, it brings bemusement.
What I’ve seen is this: everything I’ve created this last year — this creation series, very particularly, that I’ve been taking part in, that I organized and brought leaders into and invited people to join through this Substack; these Be Honest conversations; these retreats; all these things that have come into creation through this new energy that is emerging in me — it’s all beautiful and good and I’m deeply grateful for all of it. And what I’m becoming aware of is that in the midst of all of this, it’s become obvious that it’s a little too much. That I’m being pulled in a lot of directions. That more has been created than I can really hold.
Specifically what I’ve realized is that I have still been preoccupied with how what I am offering is being received by the people I feel a responsibility to serve. I have been preoccupied by this question: How am I being received?
I’ve felt myself wondering about that — considering that question even over these last several minutes recording this video. There’s still a part of me preoccupied with: Am I speaking in a way that my fellow humans can understand and be served by? Am I recording in a way, publishing in a way, making offerings in a way that can be received by my fellow human beings?
This question of how I am received has been locked in my consciousness since quite early on. This is an early formation, formed in me as a small child looking to survive my life — being tuned in to what other people around me need, how they need me to behave, so that I can be received, so that I can be heard and my needs can be met, and vice versa. This is baked into my personality structure. And I’m guessing it’s baked into a lot of our personality structures — perhaps it’s baked into yours.
It’s funny to me, it’s humorous to me, to notice how that aspect of my personality — that I have been working on for years, long before 2022 — that aspect I thought, in 2022, I had really just let go of. I did not set off on this journey worrying too much about how I was going to be received. I declared a new church jubilee. I made some dramatic moves and shifts and really did not spend a whole lot of time being concerned about how others would respond. I felt deeply that God was calling me to be faithful — to be deeply faithful to my own experience, to what I was seeing, to what I was hearing, to what was possible — and to not temper that experience by trying to be palatable, trying to get along, or trying to fulfill the expectations of the people around me.
So I thought I had abandoned this aspect of myself. I thought I had grown past it. And yet what I’ve discovered is that over this last year, it has still been at work — quite under the radar, in ways that were unconscious to me until now.
My choice, very specifically, to produce this Worship is Life Substack, to put on a creation series that was entirely separate from this Substack, to invite a different group of humans to go on that journey — I think was really motivated by a fear in me, or an expectation I held, that I should be able to create things for people where they don’t have to listen to all the things I do. I wanted people to be able to join the creation series, join these offerings by other human beings, and not have to come and listen to what I have to say every Sunday. I felt the need to curate that — to curate what I do here versus what I do there, what’s part of the Helen Keller Spiritual Life Collaborative and what’s something I just do for myself here on the Substack.
I’m really becoming aware of just all the ways that thinking about how I am being received was still playing into view. I’ve been very preoccupied with: Am I putting out too much content? Is it overwhelming people? Is it too inconsistent? Too limited? I’ve hosted gatherings specifically for people to talk about Emmanuel Swedenborg’s vision, and gatherings specifically to talk about Helen Keller’s vision, and made sure these experiences were really set apart from each other, differentiated — and in so doing, just kind of created all these different windows of experience, somewhat cordoned off from each other, to please others, to help other people feel safe, to invite people into this creative conversation in ways that would be comfortable to them — not really thinking much about what’s comfortable to me, not owning, not resting in, not claiming the way I want to move in the world. Instead I have continued to prioritize the comfort and the needs of others.
And it’s okay. I trust that this process has been unfolding as it needs to. This certain mix of energies has needed to play out in the way that it did. And as I sit here today in my corner, recording this offering on May 31st — this threshold of a new month, the second half of this year, in the midst of day six of this creation journey — I am happy to be having this awareness and making this confession to you.
Because it’s going to be so useful. I feel so ready, right now, over these next weeks, to clarify what forms really speak to me and how I can allow myself to bring all of my interests, all of my creative pursuits, into a unified way of being. Because the reality is, that’s what I’m ready for. That’s what Be Love, Be Honest, Be Useful is all about — this is a way of living, all the time, in every moment. I don’t care so much about creating curated spaces where we just do one thing or another thing. I want to meet people from this way of being, exactly as they are, and trust that God is doing something in that meeting.
I don’t want to keep curating myself to be consumable. And I think the truth is, the efforts I’m making to do that are probably not working. They’re probably creating more chaos in the system. I get the sense that I’m working hard at considering this — feeling this fear about how I am being received — and it’s actually just creating interference and resistance, and making it harder for people to actually hear the message I have to share. Making it harder for me to bring the offering that I’m called to bring.
And this, friends — this is what I’ve been saying all along. It’s the heart of the Swedenborgian tradition, and it’s exciting to see it playing out in my own life.
This is what I believe the new heaven and new earth is calling us to: to step into the holy city, to step into a life of regeneration and peace and health and wellness on this planet with each other. This is what it requires. It requires that we are faithful to our particular calling, to our particular understanding of the divine call, the divine voice — not using our big brains to filter out the needs of all of the institutions and people around us and doing what’s required. That stance is not going to take us into the new earth. It is not going to bring us peace. It is not going to bring us fulfillment. It’s just not.
As much as we may love those institutions, as much as we may love those people around us who we want to care for — if we are only making our choices based on what we perceive with our eyes and our ears and our brains to be needed, those expectations are limiting us. We are cutting ourselves off at our knees, because all that information is of the past, and it’s distorted through our survival needs and our conditioning.
It’s just not going to cut it anymore. And it’s so clear to me now. And it’s a hard thing to let go of, because I want to be heard, I want to be understood. It seems reasonable to use my awareness to perceive what’s around me and to consider how I might fit in this larger design. It seems quite reasonable to look out and see where I’m needed, and then to fulfill that need. There’s wisdom in that, I’m sure. There has been wisdom in that.
But there does come a time in our lives — and I think this time is coming for many of us, for most of us — where the structures that have been created, that are meant to hold us and care for us, are just not cutting it anymore. Something new is being called into being. And that newness has to come through us. It has to come through our embodied experience of life, our connection, our insight, our intuition, our knowingness that we receive from embodied living — from embodied living that is dedicated, attentive, devoted to the truth, to love.
I would say that’s really all it takes. And if we’re committed to love, if we’re committed to the truth, then we will be given insight into how to be useful. And it will not be limited or defined by the usefulness that we can perceive and anticipate based on what we see and what we’ve been taught. It’s going to be a new kind of usefulness. It’s going to be a usefulness that flows naturally, that creates nurturance and wellness in ourselves as individuals, and that brings truth and creativity into the world in ways we can’t even anticipate — but it will be needed. I know it will be, in the very same way that the plants and the animals live what they live and do what they do and it is good and it is useful and it is needed. We need to live in that same kind of natural, loving, truth-guided way.
So on May 31st, 2026, I offer this incredibly imperfect message, probably using too many words. I’m sure many people have turned the video off by now. Who knows who’s hearing it and if it’s coming through.
And that’s not up to me to perfect or curate. That’s no longer my most important job. My most important job is to be faithful to the one who created and is creating me, to tend to this vessel that this creation is occurring through, and to lovingly tell and live the truth that I have been given to live.
I don’t know where it will lead. I don’t know if the Swedenborgian community will receive me. I don’t know if I will be criticized or strung up. I don’t know if I will be supported. I haven’t known where this would go from the beginning — and it’s been a while now, and we’ve been going along, and resources have been showing up and people have been showing up.
Just this week, there’ll be an article coming out in The Messenger [https://swedenborg.org/news-announcements/newsletter-the-messenger/], written by Becky Greenwood, about our recent retreat in April in Massachusetts. We had an incredible experience down in Bryn Athyn that we’ll be sharing about soon. This creation series [https://helenkellercollaborative.org/creation-series/] has happened and it’s been lovely, and we’re now taking part in these incubation sessions [https://helenkellercollaborative.org/event/incubation-session/2026-05-29/] — and it’s wonderful to see the things that are emerging. Really at the heart of a lot of what these incubating new church life conversations are surfacing is this reminder: just be faithful. Be faithful to yourself as a vessel of the divine.
I feel continually committed to that, and confident that there’s nothing else I could do that could be more useful to others — by my own example and by my own beingness in the world, on this journey, growing, just like all of you.
I’m grateful, and I’m hopeful that this message will begin to seep more deeply into my heart and soul and bring more and more useful creation for others. And that I will be empowered to release this old message — that it’s my work to make myself palatable to others, to figure out where I fit and then do what is needed to fit there — and that I’ll be more and more willing to just be myself, and trust that. Because all I want to do is to be with others who are willing to trust that in themselves. So how could that not be the work?
All right. That’s the message. That’s the messy message for this morning. Thank you for listening. Thank you for staying with me in it. If you’ve watched all the way through, please leave a little note and let me know — it would mean a lot to know that you’re in this with me in some way.
And thank you to all of you who have been with me in it. I have offered so many imperfect invitations so far, and I’m aware of that. And I trust that even in this maze of perfection and imperfection, goodness has been flowing, new life has been flowing. I can feel it. It has been flowing, and I can see it starting to take root in new ways. Perhaps it can only come through this imperfect mix of higher ideals, higher evolution, and all of this humanness that we are all negotiating — which is just part of the journey, part of the mix, part of the beautiful mix of being alive.
I’m grateful to be alive with all of you, friends. Thank you for being on the journey. Have a blessed Sunday. Be well.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit worshipislife.substack.com [https://worshipislife.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]
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