Changemakers’ Handbook with Elena Bondareva
I thought that writing something that went beyond biology and stereotypes for Mothers’ Day was hard. Then I started thinking about fathering. For Mother’s Day, I found myself writing about mothering as a choice: a way of caring for what is vulnerable. It felt surprisingly coherent. Fatherhood felt different. More contested. More uneven. More shaped by personal experience. What are fathers for? In a moment when many men seem increasingly uncertain about masculinity, fatherhood, and their place in society, I wasn’t sure I knew how to answer. Partly because my own experience refuses to fit neatly into any story I know how to tell. So I asked my audience: What is something a father or father figure gave you that would have been difficult to receive elsewhere? More than fifty responses arrived from around the world. Some people answered immediately. Others took days. A surprising number struggled to answer at all, and that, too, felt significant. One person responded: “A longing for a father… If I had my father, I wouldn’t long for one in others.” Another wrote: “There is something uniquely painful about being hurt the most by the person who was supposed to love you the most. Whatever fathering is, people seem to notice both its presence and its absence. Your answers were remarkably varied Some named values: “Integrity. Work ethic.” — Sujatha “Humility.” — Jeff “Patience.” — Rick “Counsel.” — Jim “Compassion.” — Alex “High standards as a man, father, leader.” — H.G. "Discipline." - Gunther Others described confidence: “Belief — my Dad always believed in me, sometimes when I didn’t.” — Davina “Confidence in life.” — Mukt “Confidence in my abilities.” — Andrea One respondent described learning to build and repair almost anything alongside her father before concluding: “That confidence in turn birthed resilience.” Others spoke about safety: “A safe place. Acceptance. Reassurance. Rescue.” — Sara “The space to make my own decisions (and mistakes) without fear of judgement... the room to grow.” — Anthony “Security.” — Nick, Jennifer “A grounding presence.” — Paul “Unconditional support and always a safe place to land.” — Lynn “Unconditional love and support in all my decisions, even the ones he disagreed with.” — Eric One surprising answer stayed with me: “To know what it feels like to be delighted in.” — Tiffany Interestingly, this question is attracting attention far beyond my inbox. Dr. Sanjay Gupta (CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent) has just interviewed the author of the new book Dad Brain, exploring the growing body of research on how fatherhood changes men’s brains and behavior. Who fathers us? What struck me was not just the variety of answers, but who people were talking about. Fathers, certainly. But also grandfathers. Professors. Mentors. Advisors. Stepfathers. Coaches. People who were not necessarily related to them at all. One responded opened with, “I don’t think these things are inherently masculine.” He then proceeded to describe a grandfather who taught him generosity, courage, emotional openness, humor, advocacy, and how to love with his whole heart. That response helped clarify something for me. Perhaps fathering is less about who performs it than what is contributed. Our parenting norms aren’t universal Nature itself seems remarkably unconcerned with our assumptions. Male seahorses carry pregnancies. Emu fathers incubate eggs and raise chicks. Across the animal kingdom, parenting responsibilities are distributed in countless ways. Perhaps humans are not so different. Perhaps fathering is not a category of person but a category of care. Again and again, people described fathering as modeling a way of being in the world. Sometimes that meant trust in themselves: confidence, self-reliance, resilience, ambition, a sense of worth or the room to grow. Sometimes it meant trust in how the world works: how to build, fix, compete, endure, recover, or make sense of things. And sometimes it meant trust in how to participate with integrity: how to love, how to treat others, how to stay calm, how to stand for something, how to be strong without becoming hard. And perhaps the strongest evidence that it matters is that people notice when it is there — and when it is not. So this Father’s Day, consider thanking or honoring the father figures who helped you trust yourself a little more, understand the world a little better, and participate in it a little more wisely. And to every single person who chooses to father the world: Happy Father’s Day! May you know that your care mattered, often in ways you may never fully see. Changemakers’ Handbook is an audience-supported publication focused on professionalizing chaangemaking in a post-solutions world. Consider subscribing to join future live conversations and to access all posts. Image credit: Leo Lachnit [https://pixabay.com/users/lehoooo-10987317/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3872809] and Lisa Yount [https://pixabay.com/users/lisaleo-3220940/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=9140074] from Pixabay [https://pixabay.com//?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3872809] This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit changemakershandbook.substack.com/subscribe [https://changemakershandbook.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]
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