In Case of Rapture, Break Glass - Day of Pentecost A (May 24, 2026)

The Worst Barre Class - Proper 6A (June 14, 2026)

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2281321/fan_mail/new] What does it take to be sent out in Jesus' name? Apparently: no money, no bag, no second tunic, and a working knowledge of exactly how bad crucifixion is on your core. Resident Comic Theologians Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) join us to tackle Proper 6A — the commissioning of the Twelve — and somehow we arrive there through a detailed anatomical detour into Roman execution technique. In this Short Take, expect: * A biomechanical explanation of crucifixion that reframes it as the original barre class ("T-position. Hold for eternity.") * Judas Iscariot as Aaron Burr — tragic figure, defined entirely by his one bad moment * Why Sodom and Gomorrah's actual sin has nothing to do with what you think it does — and why that matters for this text * The harvest is plentiful, the laborers are few — and what that means for congregations that are shrinking * Jesus Christ Superstar, the Apostles on social media, and Alex Jones as an unintentional object lesson in how not to read Matthew 10 * "Autobots, assemble" as a legitimate summary of the Great Commission > "I have never thought of crucifixion as the worst barre class until now." — Erick Williams Matthew 9:35–10:23 (NRSVue) [35] Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and curing every disease and every sickness. [36] When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. [37] Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; [38] therefore ask the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.” [1] Then Jesus summoned his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to cure every disease and every sickness. [2] These are the names of the twelve apostles: first, Simon, also known as Peter, and his brother Andrew; James son of Zebedee and his brother John; [3] Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James son of Alphaeus and Thaddaeus; [4] Simon the Cananaean and Judas Iscariot, the one who betrayed him. [5] These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: “Do not take a road leading to gentiles, and do not enter a Samaritan town, [6] but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. [7] As you go, proclaim the good news, ‘The kingdom of heaven has come near.’ [8] Cure the sick; raise the dead; cleanse those with a skin disease; cast out demons. You received without payment; give without payment. [9] Take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, [10] no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals, or a staff, for laborers deserve their food. [11] Whatever town or village you enter, find out who in it is worthy, and stay there until you leave. [12] As you enter the house, greet it. [13] If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you. [14] If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. [15] Truly I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town. [16] “I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. [17] Beware of them, for they will hand you over to councils and flog you in their synagogues, [18] and you will be dragged before governors and kings because of me, as a testimony to them and the gentiles. [19] When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you at that time, [20] for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. [21] Sibling will betray sibling to death and a father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, [22] and you will be hated by all because of my name. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. [23] When they persecute you in this town, flee to the next, for truly I tell you, you will not have finished going through all the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes. Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer. Join the community! Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com [//cptbpod@gmail.com]. Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms. More at linktr.ee/cptbpod [https://linktr.ee/cptbpod] Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster [https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster] Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license [https://filmmusic.io/standard-license] Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Still Searching - Proper 5A (June 7, 2026)

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2281321/fan_mail/new] Comedians with Pastors Talking Bible is a Pittsburgh podcast where Lutheran pastors Bob Schaefer and Eric Damon sit down with stand-up comedians from the local scene to dig into the weekly lectionary gospel — no prep, no filter, and apparently no firm policy on cat buttholes. Comedians Trevor Austin (@trevoraustincomedy) and Ronnie Fleming (@ron_flem) are back in the Parlor, and we've barely sat down before we're deep into the etymology of manna (Hebrew for "what the…?"), the ergot theory of Old Testament psychedelics, and whether the Book of John was written by someone on something. Then we slow down long enough to read Matthew 9 — and somehow the conversation gets more unhinged from there. Jesus is eating with tax collectors and sinners when a synagogue leader interrupts to ask him to raise his dead daughter. On the way there, a woman who's been hemorrhaging for twelve years breaks every social rule to touch the hem of his cloak. Both get what they came for. Trevor notices something neither pastor had quite said out loud: nobody in this passage waited to be invited. That observation opens the door to a wide-ranging conversation about what the church is actually for — gatekeeping heaven or feeding the poor or building community or all three — and why, according to recent research, people might be quietly finding their way back. Tax collectors turn out to be the ancient equivalent of meter maids (the most desperate people willing to be hated for a living), the hemorrhaging woman is just as socially dead as the girl Jesus is walking toward, and infrasound from pipe organs may be doing more theological heavy lifting than anyone realized. Also: The Good Place, the 144,000 fire marshal cap on heaven, and Jesus as a DIY punk promoter who ignores it completely. "Jesus is a DIY punk show that said screw the fire capacity, we're getting everybody in." — Pastor Eric Damon Matthew 9:9-26 (NRSVue) As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax collection station, and he said to him, "Follow me." And he got up and followed him. And as he sat at dinner in the house, many tax collectors and sinners came and were sitting with Jesus and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?" But when he heard this, he said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners." While he was saying these things to them, suddenly a leader came in and knelt before him, saying, "My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live." And Jesus got up and followed him, with his disciples. Then suddenly a woman who had been suffering from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his cloak, for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And the woman was made well from that moment. When Jesus came to the leader's house and saw the flute players and the crowd making a commotion, he said, "Go away, for the girl is not dead but sleeping." And they laughed at him. But when the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took her by the hand, and the girl got up. And the report of this spread throughout all that district. Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer. Join the community! Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com [//cptbpod@gmail.com]. Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms. More at linktr.ee/cptbpod [https://linktr.ee/cptbpod] Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster [https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster] Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license [https://filmmusic.io/standard-license] Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Jesus Landed the Plane - Holy Trinity A (May 31, 2026)

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2281321/fan_mail/new] CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers. Jesus promised to meet his disciples in Galilee after the resurrection. He died. He rose. He went ahead of them. They showed up on the mountain. He was there — exactly where he said he'd be. They worshipped him. But they doubted. Comedians Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) join Pastors Bob and Eric for Holy Trinity Sunday and the Great Commission — five of the most consequential verses in the New Testament, a surprisingly short runway, and the question of what it actually means to make a disciple. Expect: * Why doubt and worship aren't opposites — they show up in the same sentence, in the same people, on the same mountain * The eleven disciples, the Try Guys cheating scandal, and what both have to do with betrayal and reconstitution * Discipleship vs. apostleship — what the Greek actually says, and why discipline isn't a dirty word * The Great Commission's dark history and what it doesn't have to mean * Paul, asexuality, and why the Pauline epistles make a lot more sense once you accept certain things about Paul Also featuring: Jesus as beta reader, the advanced reader copy of the Bible, Matthias treated like Jason Newstead in Metallica, and a brief detour through LimeWire. "You're going to meet us in Galilee." — Pastor Eric Damon, connecting standup comedy to the resurrection Matthew 28:16–20 — Holy Trinity, May 31, 2026 (NRSVue) Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but they doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer. Join the community! Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com [//cptbpod@gmail.com]. Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms. More at linktr.ee/cptbpod [https://linktr.ee/cptbpod] Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster [https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster] Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license [https://filmmusic.io/standard-license] Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

In Case of Rapture, Break Glass - Day of Pentecost A (May 24, 2026)

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2281321/fan_mail/new] CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers. It's Pentecost. Jesus shows up through locked doors, breathes on his terrified disciples, and says: receive the Holy Spirit. As the Father sent me, so I send you. Which is either the best news you've ever heard — or a sentence that should make you very nervous, given what just happened to the one who was sent. Trevor Austin (@trevoraustincomedy) returns and brings along pod first-timer Ronnie Fleming (@ron_flem) to join Pastors Bob and Eric in wrestling with the birthday of the church, the weirdness of the breathing, and what it actually means to be sent somewhere you didn't ask to go. Expect: * A former altar boy and a recovering evangelical walk into a podcast * Why you don't want to be taken in the rapture — you want to be left * The Holy Spirit as airborne contagion, patient zero, and pneumatic event * Jesus showing up like Kurt Russell in Tombstone: wounded, unbothered, armed with peace * Why Martin Luther wanted to light the book of James on fire * The word "inspiration" and what it actually means Also featuring: a filing cabinet full of end-times literature, a proverbs fortune cookie business venture that may or may not be insider trading, Bob talking out of his ass, and the Bible in 90 days vs. the Bible on the toilet. "You underestimate my commitment to a bit, Bob." — Pastor Eric Damon, on martyrdom John 20:19–23 (NRSVue) When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors were locked where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained." Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer. Join the community! Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com [//cptbpod@gmail.com]. Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms. More at linktr.ee/cptbpod [https://linktr.ee/cptbpod] Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster [https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster] Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license [https://filmmusic.io/standard-license] Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The Cross Ties the Whole Place Together - Easter 7A (May 14, 2026)

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2281321/fan_mail/new] Comedians with Pastors Talking Bible is the show where Pittsburgh stand-up comedians and ELCA pastors sit down with the week's gospel text — and see what happens when nobody's too precious about it. This week Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) return as Resident Comic Theologians for a Short Take on John 17:1-11, the High Priestly Prayer — Jesus's long, looping, recursive prayer on the last night before the crucifixion. It's the 7th Sunday of Easter, the church where CPTB records is being sold to a Sheetz developer, and Jesus is praying in circles. Which, it turns out, might be the most honest thing anyone's ever done. Expect: * Why the Trinity doesn't work on a logical level, and why that might actually be the point * The High Priestly Prayer as Jesus's big showstopper — his "Defying Gravity," the number where the lights dim down * A religion founded on the Big Lebowski, and why the cross ties the whole place together * Abby's assembled crack legal team (Brittany, Alexis, Rebecca Canterbury, James J. Hamilton — different specialties, all bases covered) * Whether Hamlet is the Lion King or the Lion King is Hamlet — Abby rules, decisively * The theological case that old church buildings are just holding cells for Spirit Halloween "Jesus is proof that sometimes you have to trust your friends even when they're talking in a way that's really annoying." — Erick Williams --- Luke 24:44–53 (NRSVue) [44] Then he said to them, “These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you—that everything written about me in the law of Moses, the prophets, and the psalms must be fulfilled.” [45] Then he opened their minds to understand the scriptures, [46] and he said to them, “Thus it is written, that the Messiah is to suffer and to rise from the dead on the third day [47] and that repentance and forgiveness of sins is to be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem. [48] You are witnesses of these things. [49] And see, I am sending upon you what my Father promised, so stay here in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.” [50] Then he led them out as far as Bethany, and, lifting up his hands, he blessed them. [51] While he was blessing them, he withdrew from them and was carried up into heaven. [52] And they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy, [53] and they were continually in the temple blessing God. Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer. Join the community! Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com [//cptbpod@gmail.com]. Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms. More at linktr.ee/cptbpod [https://linktr.ee/cptbpod] Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster [https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster] Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license [https://filmmusic.io/standard-license] Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.