MK Michelob Ultra

MK Michelob Ultra

They're doing some wicked things to our brains, aren't they? Mostly old people, it seems. Young people are already dead, so there's no point even concerning ourselves with that. There isn't going to be a world left when it's their turn to take over and run things, so I say just let their brains go smooth from Family Guy clips and doordash. We should be treating twenty year olds like they're sick dogs. Every teenager working at a grocery store should be pampered like a labrador with bone cancer. Let them suck on the candy vapes and wear enormous silver headphones they casually bump aside when you're talking to them and they go "huh?" and that's the most their capable of saying for another hour. Words are hard, and they're meant to convey ideas anyway so why bother teaching them how language works. Ideas are done. Old people though... some of them are going to live another twenty years or more and they're getting worse and worse. Facebook has turned them all into satan worshipping pedophile apologists who think cats can talk and hawks can steal babies from porches. They're falling headfirst into their own narcissism and producing AI slop that justifies their warped views on race and equality. We have to stop them because they can't, for the life of them, stop fucking voting.

Happy Pride

Or however you celebrate. Is that how that works? Is Pride Month kind of like Christmas, where some assholes on the internet are debating the merits of including other holidays into seasonal greetings? Is there a Jewish holiday happening in June. I bet there fucking is. There's always some bullshit happening with candles or weird stews, and we all have to pretend like it's some ancient beautiful ceremony... look, sometimes I start typing these things and I lose track of what my point is or whose side I'm taking for the sake of argument. To clarify, this is a pro-Jewish ethnicity anti-Judaism podcast. Or maybe the other way around. Which one is the Zionist one? Both? Damn... alright nevermind. This is a pro-human anti-everyone podcast with semitic undertones that are largely positive. Or it's a semiticly ambiguous podcast fixated on cost of living complaints and an exhaustion with modern culture, and if I just so happen to slipup and say something you disagree with it's not my fault because I'm mentally ill and you're actually being mean.

Actionable Bumper Stickers

Changing things up around here. My normal co-host had to call in sick because I guess his butthole was too sore from the long weekend he had down at the Gay Club. I don't want to embarrass him, of course, but I will tell you the photos he sent for evidence are harrowing. It's the kind of thing you'll see that makes you rethink progressive politics. I don't even know how you fit that many objects inside yourself. But regardless, this week we have a special guest who just so happens to live with me and is obligated to do something if I start crying. The audio might be weird because her voice is quieter than mine, but as always I implore you to locate that button on the side of your phone that increases volume. When do you think Apple is getting rid of that, by the way? When will we have an iphone that has no buttons at all, and you have to pay an additional $10 a month to access control over volume and when you can turn the phone on? I can't wait. The future is so bright.

I Could've Fixed A Lot By Now

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. And you know me, I absolutely give a fuck and in 2026 I think it's important to continue with the illusion we've all been convinced of, which is that none of the wars currently happening are good but every single war before this one was necessary and the people who fought those wars are heroes that defended our democracy. And by "democracy" I mean the interests of private institutions to continue washing dirty money and tucking it into the pockets of the slimiest, gooiest, fattest pieces of hog shit you've ever seen in your life. I also despise when you're being dismissive of Memorial Day or Veteran's Day and someone moron tries to pull the "well my grandaddy died in...." Hey asshole, no one gives a fuck. Your grandaddy can suck my cock with his dead skull. He wasn't what you thought. I'm sorry he got drafted, if he did, but I don't think it was in the handbook to rape villages for a decade. Unless it was... hey, maybe that's actually why we were in Vietnam. These villages aren't going to rape themselves! Someone should write that book. I gotta go call the Seymour Hersh....

JD Vans? JD Pansy? JD....idk fuck that fat bitch

That guy sucks my ass, right? Like I know two years ago you r-word f-slur big tittty babies were frothing at the mouth because you legitimately believed Donald Trump was going to fix egg prices, because you don't know how to read and can't conceptualize time even on the basic linear mode we humans are stuck on, and I know you gave a lot of leniency to JD Vance at the offset because your mother recoiled from your touch at a very young age, but surely everyone is now on the same page of at least being able to admit that JD Vance should be sent to the place where they make hot dogs out of pig assholes. He should be dipped in a big boiling vat of cow dicks and soggy tissue they use to make ladies have big fake booties. He should be paraded around town wearing a fuck-me dog leash and his little red wiener should be squirming in the sunlight while the townspeople throw rotten tomatoes and black cabbage at his stupid, putrid, FAT pillow face. Anyway, I think gas is $40 right now, so I'm going to go fill up a big jug of it and drink it like top shelf rum.