Episode 56: Fatherhood and Medicine, What Your Kids Will Actually Remember

Episode 56: Fatherhood and Medicine, What Your Kids Will Actually Remember

There is a comment I have been turning over in my mind for about ten years now. I heard it from a woman whose husband had chosen podiatry school over medical school, and the reason she gave has never fully left me. She said that decision was predicated on the fact that he loved his family too much. I have thought about that comment more times than I can count. Because the implication (the one she may not have even realised she was making) is that choosing a demanding career in medicine means loving your family less. And that is something I have never been able to agree with. Not because the hard parts aren't real. They are. But because I have watched my husband, a neurosurgeon, build something genuinely beautiful with our five children inside one of the most demanding specialties in medicine. And I think it is time to say that out loud. This week, Adrian is back. We talk about what fatherhood actually felt like from inside the training years: overwhelming, scary, uncertain, and deeply intentional. He agonized over choosing neurosurgery. He prayed about it. He watched the men ahead of him in the field and made a conscious decision about who he did not want to become. We talk about the kids, and what they said on the Father's Day episode that made him almost cry on the way to work. He talks about the small things he remembers building with them and the hotel dinner in Orlando where he looked around the table and thought, I have never been happier. And I talk about what I did not see during those years because I was too busy counting the hours and keeping my head above water to notice what he was quietly building beside me. There is a moment in this conversation where he says the thing I most needed someone to tell me when I was in the thick of it. He says the chances are really good. That a physician who has his priorities straight, who shows up when he is there, who talks to his kids and his wife, is going to be okay. That his family is going to be okay. I believe him. And I think you will too. What You'll Learn [00:00 - 01:00] The comment about podiatry school that stayed with Kendra for ten years, and why it matters [02:30 - 05:30] What Adrian was actually thinking when he chose neurosurgery — the agonising, the praying, and the mentor who made it feel possible [08:00 - 11:30] Why the kids remembered Adrian being home more than Kendra did, and what that difference in perspective reveals [12:00 - 13:30] What Adrian says he would do differently, and why it has nothing to do with the specialty he chose [14:00 - 15:30] Adrian's response to the idea that choosing a demanding career means choosing it above your family [22:00 - 23:30] What Adrian would say to the physician in the middle of residency right now who is wondering if his family is going to be okay Thank you for listening!

Episode 55: What Your Kids Are Actually Remembering, A Physician Father Through Their Eyes

I have this photograph. My husband is lying on the couch in our little medical school house. Textbook open across his chest. Highlighter in hand. Our son, just small, completely out, asleep on him. No idea his dad was studying for an exam that would determine the rest of our lives. I've looked at that photograph more times than I can count. And for a long time, what I saw in it was exhaustion. Uncertainty. The quiet terror of having absolutely no idea how we were doing any of it. But lately I've been sitting with a different question. What did my kids see? That question is what this episode is built around. Five kids. Five conversations. One Father's Day tribute to my husband and, I hope, a gift to you. If you are in the middle of a hard season right now, doing more alone than ever felt fair, quietly wondering if your kids are okay, if they're missing him too much, if this is going to leave a mark… I made this episode for you. When I was in the thick of those years (medical school, residency, fellowship) I was convinced my children were experiencing what I was experiencing. That the absence was landing on them the way it was landing on me. That they were keeping score. They weren't. They were holding onto the mornings he was there, not counting the nights he missed. And I couldn't see that, because I was too busy surviving to look up. So if you are the one at home right now, carrying the invisible weight of everything, I want you to hear this: your children are watching their father become something remarkable. And they are going to remember it. You are not failing them by being in a hard season. And your partner, even with the brutal hours and the impossible schedule, may be showing up for your kids in ways you haven't had the bandwidth to fully see. Look up. There is more goodness in front of you than survival mode is letting you see. What You'll Learn (with Timestamps) * [00:00 - 01:30] The photograph that started this episode — and the question that changed how Kendra sees it * [03:00 - 07:30] Ethan, 21, on growing up inside medical training and the delayed reward of patience * [08:00 - 14:00] Kate, 19, on bedtime books, the Disney cruise, and why absence felt normal when you don't know any different * [15:00 - 19:00] Macy, 17, on races, souvenirs, and why the time he did show up always felt special * [20:00 - 23:30] Sarah, 14, on what she didn't understand until she was 12 — and what she quietly noticed all along * [24:00 - 28:30] Scarlett, 10, on visiting the hospital, the doctor's lounge, and why her dad would still be her favourite even if she had others to choose from * [29:00 - 32:00] What five kids' answers revealed — and what Kendra wants every physician spouse in a hard season to know Your Next Steps * Leave a review on Apple Podcasts * Listen on Spotify * Tag us in your photograph this week @SupportingPhysicianSpouses [https://www.instagram.com/supportingphysicianspouses] on Instagram

Episode 54: What the Dentist Taught Me About Coaching (And About You)

Twenty-eight weeks ago, I sat down in a dentist chair and said yes to something I had been quietly talking myself out of for years. This episode is the whole story and by the end of it, I think you're going to recognise something. Not about teeth. About that thing. The one that's been sitting in the background of your life for longer than you probably want to admit. A few years before that appointment, I was already in that world. Four of my kids were in braces, one right after the other, often overlapping. I sat in orthodontist waiting rooms more times than I can count, and somewhere in all of those visits, I actually looked into getting my own teeth sorted. I considered it. I met with the orthodontist. And then I set it back down. Not because it wasn't possible. Because it felt like too much. Too much money going in my direction when the kids needed theirs. Too much time. Too much me. That's the part I want to be honest about in this episode, because it matters more than the teeth. When I finally picked up that pamphlet and followed through, the only thing that had changed was this: I had finally given myself permission to just want what I wanted. Not because it was urgent. Not because it was medically necessary. Not because anyone else had even noticed the problem. Because I wanted it. And I decided that was enough. If something in this episode landed for you, I want to invite you to schedule a consultation at It Gets Better Now [https://itgetsbetternow.com/]. It's just a conversation. No commitment, no pressure just an honest look at where you're starting and what the plan might look like from here. What You'll Learn: * [00:00 - 03:00] The pamphlet moment and why picking it up the second time was completely different * [03:00 - 07:00] The real reason she set it back down the first time (and why "it wasn't the right time" was only part of the story) * [08:00 - 11:30] What the dentist analogy reveals about how coaching actually works * [11:30 - 14:00] The stubborn tooth: what happens when the plan needs adjusting and nobody treats it as failure * [14:00 - 16:30] Why "better than before" is not the same thing as what you actually came for * [17:00 - 23:00] Why every woman she's worked with says the same thing at the end and what to do before you move on from this episode Your Next Steps * Schedule a Consultation [https://itgetsbetternow.com/] — just a conversation, no commitment * Listen on Apple Podcasts * Listen on Spotify

Episode 53: The 30 Rules Every Physician Spouse Has Been Quietly Following

I was cleaning up my kitchen late at night. He wasn't home yet. And I just... filmed it. I posted a reel with a voiceover I'd written. Quiet, a little too honest, the kind of thing that travels when it says something people have been carrying without words. It did well. Maybe too well, because when content reaches outside your community, the opinions that come in are not always from people who know this world. Two comments landed that I couldn't quite put down. The first: "He can also be home at 3:00 PM and bring home $40,000." The second came from a female physician. "What's with all the whining? Your spouse is working so you can clean your beautiful kitchen on Instagram for everyone to see. As a female physician, this is such an eye roll moment." I sat with both of them for a moment. And then I thought: they're right. I clearly have not been following the rules. So I wrote them down. All thirty of them. Grouped into five categories: speaking and visibility, money and potential, identity and worth, the emotional load, and the pecking order. But here's what I actually came to say. Every single rule on that list, some part of you has already been following it. Not because someone handed you a list, but because the world handed it to you one small moment at a time. Through the at leasts. Through the eye rolls. Through the quiet but consistent message that your needs are a burden and your feelings are ungrateful and your life, however hard it has been, is too comfortable to complain about. You didn't make those rules up. You absorbed them. And you, being the capable, adaptable, hold-it-all-together woman that you are, you followed them. Because that is what survival mode does. It takes the rules of the environment and makes them your own. It convinces you that shrinking is wisdom. That silence is grace. That needing less is the same thing as being okay. It is not the same thing. None of those rules were ever yours to follow. Not one of them. And it gets better. Not eventually. Now. If this one found you at the right moment, will you share it? The women who need it most are still out there, still following rules that were never theirs. A share is how they find us. What You'll Learn * [00:00:00 - 01:00] The reel that traveled too far and the two comments that followed * [00:03:00 - 05:00] What the $40,000 comment and the female physician's eye roll actually reveal about the culture around physician families * [00:05:00 - 18:00] All 30 official rules, covering speaking and visibility, money, identity, the emotional load, and the pecking order * [00:18:30 - 20:00] The moment I dropped the script and said what I actually came to say * [00:20:00 - 22:00] Why none of those rules were ever yours to follow, and what it looks like to wake up inside your own life Your Next Steps * Share this episode with a physician spouse who needs to hear it * Leave a review on Apple Podcasts and tell us what Supporting Physician Spouses means to you * Listen on Apple Podcasts * Listen on Spotify

Episode 52: Celebrating One Year, Life Updates, Top Episodes, and What Comes Next

One year. Fifty-two weeks. Not a single one skipped. Today we're talking about what it actually looks and feels like to reach a milestone you weren't always sure you'd make and what it means to celebrate that, out loud, without waiting until everything is perfectly settled. In this episode, we talk about: * What it felt like for Katie to be at the tail end of residency and why having her own professional transition first made the landing softer. * Why Kendra stepped back from years of volunteer leadership roles, and what that clearing made room for (two books, as it turns out). * The tension between acting quickly on an inner prompting and waiting until you feel certain and why the waiting is where doubt creeps in. * What it means to follow a creative thread for 15 years without knowing where it leads, and then look back and see exactly why every step mattered. * Why Katie is stepping back from her co-host role, and what honoring your season actually looks like in practice. You'll hear: * Katie describe the shift from feeling trapped inside a life she didn't fully choose to standing at what she calls "the summit" and what the view looks like from there. * Kendra trace the origin of two books back to an anonymous blog she started writing during residency, 15 years before she knew what it would become. * A real conversation about what it feels like to move toward community instead of away from it and why that one thing changes everything about a relocation. * The top five most downloaded episodes of the year, with honest reflection on why each one resonated. This episode is especially for you if: * You're approaching the end of training and you expected to feel relief by now but instead you feel strangely braced, waiting for the other shoe to drop. * You have a creative project, a desire, a quiet knowing about something you want to do and you keep putting it off until the season settles down. * You've been carrying most of the weight for years and you're finally starting to ask what it would look like to put some of it down. Links & resources mentioned: Download our free guide, Life After Survival Mode [https://subscribepage.io/skYpZa] Ready for deeper support? Apply for a free call to see if coaching is right for you. [https://itgetsbetternow.com/apply/] Stay connected: Follow us on Instagram: @supportingphysicianspouses | @kendra_itgetsbetternow Learn more about coaching: www.itgetsbetternow.com