Apocrypals

Bonus: Biblical Mini-Golf

For the first time in ten years, Theophiloi -- and the first time ever during the lifespan of this very podcast -- Chris and Benito are in the same place, actually hanging out with each other! What better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than by playing three full courses of Bible themed mini-golf? Join us as we recount our experience at Lexington, Kentucky's own Fairway to Heaven and pitch our own ideas for hagiographic Putt-Putt. Plus we spend like ten minutes trying to figure out if they have mini-golf in Malta. I didn't edit a second of this.

117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)

Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him! Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End Dan McClellan, the statistics of death by cow, John Wick: Ad Bestias, the impact of the Babylonian exile on the development of the Torah, Solomonsplaining, the common currency/new ages of comics, a whole lot of Hog Talk, Rob Liefeld's The Covenant, Azazel (NOT Nightcrawler's dad), Zera the Cushite's alleged army, avoidance of seeking the Baals, incurable nasty butt disesase, the hands-on God of P, the Neko King, Chris just fully giving up, an eight year-old with Biblically bad vibes. Hymnal: An instrumental track whose name escapes me for some reason, "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)

O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange, featuring, with no exaggeration, the perfect present. Topics of discussion: Benito gets existentially Terminator'd, Every Yule Lad Ever, Dracula Christmas, a desperate plea for those sweet sweet advertising dollars, Dr. Curt Connors (the Lizard) vis-a-vis the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, The Pinnacle of 70s Face, Orthodox April, Biblically rancid vibes, the Firstborn Opener of the Secret Womb, Deku, presents. Hymnal: "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Bad Religion, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)

CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth wildest part of this entire story. Topics of Discussion: a very professional false start, the John Wick of Cows, goblin solidarity, Chris's dubious namesake, hell-adjacent areas, Arrakis (desert planet), the Morph Ball, Heinz MayoChup™, disrespecting Stolas, the Morrison run, taberna festivulorum, foot stuff. Hymnal: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Celine Dion, "Christina the Astonishing" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)

If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings by Tom de Bruin, disrespecting St. Thecla, the relative ease of being murdered by lions, things to say when you see cows, the theological benefits of crossword puzzles, proof once again that the Laadder Match is a Christian specialty, dinocracy, Hilarianus, the Techno-Organic Virus, the Sanavivarian Gate, Heaven and the Salt & Pepper Diner, the efficiency of the German language, a long-awaited return trip to the bar. Hymnal: "22 (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift, "The Winner Takes it All " by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)