Singles Partners Marrieds Long Time Marrieds Podcast

Who! Me! - Passive Aggressive fight - Nay not me

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2468729/fan_mail/new] What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this?  Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vindictive and a way of doing "fight' with someone. It is a way of expressing negative feelings, rather than talking openly about the issue which as caused upset. It is a way to communicate anger and other forms of distress, without openly acknowledging the emotions. It might take the form of action or inaction. An example might be, the person who attends an event (unwillingly), then is rude or hostile. Alternatively, it might be that they avoid the event and give a partner the “silent treatment.” That is overt aggression, adopted as a communication style, as revenge for an upset caused to them. Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. They might say one thing, but do something quite contrary. They may do the thing they do not want to do and brood and complain whilst doing it. They might do something that seems kind (on the surface), but is opposite to the other person's expectation and preference. For example, someone who knows you are trying to lose weight, purposely buys a large sugary birthday cake for you. Passive aggression is a common coping mechanism that many people use from time to time, especially when they want to avoid direct conflict. People who engage in passive aggression may feel just as aggressive or hostile as those who adopt more overt forms of aggression. Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child. Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior - like these other examples: Limit/curtail communication: when clearly there is a problematic issue present Avoiding/Ignoring/evading: because anger won't allow you to address the issue calmly  Procrastinating: intentionally putting off something and knowing it will adversely affect the other person(s) Obstructing/deliberately stalling/preventing something Avoiding situations: where competition might show you in an unfavourable light Ambiguity/cryptic/unclear: not fully engaging Sulking/silent treatment/sullen/dogmatic: in order to get attention or sympathy. Purposely late: knowing that will offend Thwarting/frustrating someone expectation: to be 'bloodyminded' Purposely forgetting key matters: to show a blatant disregard and disrespect  Limiting/withholding/avoiding Intimacy: known to be liked by the other person Making Excuses/coming up with reasons: for not doing things Victim role: so as to avoid taking responsibility for own role Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/ Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family

Maybe I really don't know myself that well

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2468729/fan_mail/new] Core Emotional Needs Which are your top 3 Core Emotional Needs? Is it Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security or Support?  Be aware of your top 10 Core Emotional Needs, but even more importantly, be very sure that you know your top 3 core emotional needs. The very fact that we are human, means that we have these 10 core emotional needs, which have to be met. When life and circumstances do not keep these needs topped up and some dwindle beyond our critical level, then we will react, often unconsciously. Fight or flight will soon demand attention when our core emotional needs are not being met.  Fight can take the form of creating conflicts, but not being aware that we are being more contentious than usual! Flight means that we move away from a situation, into a place where we think our needs will be better met. That can take the form of longer hours at work because work or the people in the work place bring a form of comfort. They are danger zones unless we begin to read the signs.  Our partner plays a part in meeting our Core Emotional Needs, but they are not responsible. They cannot meet all of those needs. All of the systems within which we interact (such as work, home life, social, sports etc) play a part in meeting those needs, not one person only.  In the survey to determine the top 10 Core Emotional Needs, most women can identify with the need for Security within their top 3. Most men chose Respect. Couples do an Exercise with me to identify their top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs. When you have ranked your top 3, try ranking your partner’s top 3. Then have a discussion. What you do not know, then you cannot affect or do much about. What you know about and can see, then you can affect for good – or chose not to – but you now have choice!  Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/ Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family

What I can't see - I have no hope of changing!

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2468729/fan_mail/new] Therapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from the unseen, from the invisible, into the conscious, into the seen, into the visible.  That which you cannot seen, you have no hope of changing. Change begins when you can see some things. Therefore, it is useful to understand that Therapy with The Kairos Centre involves working with the unconscious, the unseen, the invisible. Here are the 3 Stages that is involved in every 50 minutes Therapy session - called The Egan 3 Stages: STAGE 1: EXPLORING - which is what takes place during each Therapy session, as we jump into the sand pit together in a curiosity way (not criticism), in order to see what we can find and move it into the consciousness, into the seen, into the visible.  STAGE 2: REFLECTING (in order to gain INSIGHT & UNDERSTANDING) - This stage belongs entirely to you. It is all about what you do with the matters which we explored together in the session, so that you chew on them, you think about them, you reflect on them outside of the session. Since, as you do so, you gain insight and greater understanding. You use a highlighter pen to make issues visible. They can never be invisible again, even if you do not move to stage 3. You can now see some things that belong to you - based upon what we explored in stage 1. STAGE 3: ACTION/CHANGE - based upon the new insights & understanding gained, the question in front of you is - 'What ACTION/CHANGE do you what to set about implementing (or not)'. The choice belongs entirely to you and once made, The Kairos Centre continues to be alongside you to help you with the change process which you have decided upon. (You are not alone). Another useful tool to help you recognise blind spots, is 'Johari's window'. Here is a Youtube link with an explanation about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rlCgy6i88 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rlCgy6i88] Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/ Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family

The world's finest Apple - who me?

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2468729/fan_mail/new] The Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change. Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'. Can you identify with anything in this poem? The world’s finest Apple  A poem by Julian R. Smith "You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people  You can be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet,  succulent - and offer yourself to all.  But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples.    You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple, and  someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana.  But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana  you will be a second-rate banana.  But you can always be the finest apple.    You must also realise that if you choose to be a second-rate banana.  There will be people who do not like bananas.  Furthermore,  You can spend your life trying to become the best banana -  which is impossible if you are an apple  - or you can seek again to be the finest apple". What is clear is that somewhere in the past, something happened - usually in the childhood development period. You now find yourself trying to please people - to fit in and be accepted. You try to present a version of you to the people in the 'system' you are currently interacting in, in order to be accepted. If that means changing from being an Apple, to a Banana, then so be it. Being accepted in that grouping is the most important factor. Therefore you constantly metamorphorise in order to please and be accepted. The problem: You never identified and evolved into being the real authentic you or you lost the real authentic you. So - 'standup the real authentic you' - becomes futile because the real authentic you is not known.  'Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all' - will get the response - 'Well it's all those others, isn't it!' The Russian doll image best illustrates the protected Inner child deep inside the layers - being protected from the hostile world. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building, Marriage counselling,Marriage help,Marriage therapy,Couples counselling,Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,

Say it with poetry!

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2468729/fan_mail/new] In this episode, let's say it all in poetry. My Brain And Heart Divorced – John Roedel My brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become  eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another – instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing: “This is all your fault” on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future they blame each other for the state of my life there’s been a lot of yelling – and crying so, lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gut who serves as my unofficial therapist most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chair that’s always open for me ~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head I nodded I said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore “my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,” I lamented my gut squeezed my hand “I just can’t live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,” I sighed my gut smiled and said: “in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while,” I was confused – the look on my face gave it away “if you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future your lungs are the perfect place for you there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either there is only now there is only inhale there is only exhale there is only this moment there is only breath and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out.” this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves and while my heart was staring at old photographs  I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said “what took you so long?” ~ John Roedel  ----- "It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton. ----- "To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." — G.K. Chesterton ----- "It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton ----- "Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer ----- “It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged The only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it....” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll) Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,