Flashers On, Brains Off - A Holiday Survival Guide

Season Finale: Christmas, Chaos and Consumerism

The Final Episode of Season 1 - A Christmas Special About Capitalism, Family Dysfunction, and Why You're Doing This to Yourself. In the uproarious season finale of Back Porch Bitching, host Patryck wraps up the year with laughs, rants, and enough holiday chaos to fill Santa's sleigh. Kicking off with a heartfelt shoutout to fans and guests, he dives into the absurdity of holiday spending and the infamous family gatherings. Patryck hilariously critiques the insane amounts of money dropped on gifts we don’t really want to give, all while painting a vivid picture of Aunt Jean waddling in with her dessert and a questionable leg ulcer, alongside Uncle Terry endlessly droning about football. Seriously, nobody asked for a recap of his church softball team's ejections! While cracking jokes about holiday consumerism and bizarre family dynamics, Patryck also tackles the deeper stuff—like loneliness during the holidays—because life isn’t all eggnog and tinsel. He encourages listeners to set boundaries and prioritize their own peace instead of falling into the holiday trap of obligation. As he signs off, Patryck promises bonus episodes might drop if he gets bored enough, leaving everyone with a hearty "Merry Christmas!" and a reminder to cherish the chaos that comes with family and festive food—just maybe avoid Aunt Jean's homemade candy. Here’s to a wild ride as we look forward to Season 2!

Flashers On, Brains Off - A Holiday Survival Guide

Episode 14: Flashers On, Brains Off - A Holiday Survival Guide Patryck is BACK after battling a respiratory infection (survived COVID and the holidays only to get taken out by a basic cold) and he's got THOUGHTS about the holiday season. This week's chaos: Snow Drama: People who can't drive in snow but insist on going 3 mph with flashers on, plus essential workers risking their lives while others work from their couch in pajamas (sit DOWN) Porch Mail delivers: * The Starbucks bear cup frenzy that had people FIGHTING and flipping them on eBay (Patryck's bitter he didn't get one) * Brenda texting out of nowhere with buck-toothed Bobby's Christmas list: PlayStation 5, Tecovas boots, and cash for granddaddy's Chevy. Bobby is 8. Main Topic - Holiday Season Chaos: The weird Thanksgiving-to-Christmas transition where money flies out the window "like meth on payday," work becomes completely useless from Thanksgiving to January ("let's circle back after the first of the year"), and everyone's pretending they like their coworkers at Christmas parties. Cookie swaps from questionable kitchens (chocolate chips or diaper flecks?), fighting Bethany at Target at 6 AM, buying $50 candles for Janet who you hide from in bathroom stalls, and drunk girls dry humping Santa statues while butchering Mariah Carey. The real talk: We're all barely holding it together with tinsel and prescription medication, chasing those tiny moments of actual magic through the chaos. One more episode left in Season 1! The holidays: Where we financially ruin ourselves for people we wouldn't piss on if they were on fire the other eleven months of the year.

Turkey, Trauma, and Aunt Jean's Diabetic Toe

Y'all Better Sit Down for This One: Episode 13 Thanksgiving Special Honey, Patryck is serving up a Thanksgiving survival guide hotter than a deep fryer in someone's driveway (don't do that, by the way - you'll burn your whole house down). What you're getting into: This episode is your field guide to surviving Thanksgiving with your sanity mostly intact. We're talking about the whole blessed mess - from work potlucks where you don't trust nobody's kitchen, to that one aunt who's been "roommates" with Linda for 27 years (bless their hearts, we love them), to your cousin who never got over that knee injury and won't shut up about football. Patryck's laying down the law on Southern Thanksgiving: cornbread dressing is superior, PEE-CANS (not PEE-KANS) and marshmallows are mandatory on sweet potato casserole, and if you show up with boxed mac and cheese, you might as well just turn around and go home. We're also addressing the drunk uncle on the side-by-side, Aunt Jean showing everyone her diabetic toe pictures, and why that green gelatin salad from up North needs to stay up North where it belongs. But here's the real talk: As chaotic and messy as Thanksgiving is, cherish it. Not everyone's got a table to sit at. Not everyone's got people - crazy as they may be - to share a meal with. Whether it's blood family or chosen family, be grateful for the folks who show up. So grab your stretchy pants, hide some mini bottles in your pockets for when the political talk starts, and remember - the chaos is what makes the memories. #BackPorchBitching #ThanksgivingEpisode #HolidayChaos #ThanksgivingHumor #FamilyDrama #PodcastLife #HolidayPodcast #ThanksgivingSpecial #ComedyPodcast #SouthernThanksgiving

Your Opinion Ain't The Gospel (And Neither Is Mine)

This week Patryck is DONE with people who think their opinion is the only one that matters: ✨ "Respectfully" being the most disrespectful word in corporate speak ✨ People who think going through something makes them the expert on YOUR life ✨ When did we stop having conversations and start making demands? Porch Mail is SPICY: * Richmond's whitewashed progressive movement * Cyclists yelling "ON YOUR LEFT" like it's a declaration of war The truth bomb: Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one and some are louder than others. We've lost the art of respectful disagreement and it's killing our relationships. Season 1 finale countdown: Thanksgiving special coming + last episode first week of December! If you've ever wanted to scream "YOUR OPINION ISN'T FACT" at someone, this episode is for YOU. Link in bio 🎧 #BackPorchBitching #HotTakes #TaylorSwift #UnpopularOpinions #WorkplaceDrama #PodcastLife #RealTalk #RespectfullyNo #OpinionsArentFacts

Sexy Plumbers and Demon Twinks

Episode 11: Patryck is taking on sexy Halloween costumes and we are DYING 💀 What’s scarier than a haunted house? Stretch marks with a Michael Myers mask. C-section scars and a sexy nun costume. A sexy plumber who’s going to “sexily unclog your toilet.” Make it make sense! This week’s chaos: * Gay men with costumes so specific they need a PowerPoint to explain (Cindy Crawford’s mole? The wine stain from the 2003 VMAs??) * Straight men pretending they didn’t spend 45 minutes on that contour * Ryan Murphy turning every true crime story into softcore porn (Ed Gein made FURNITURE, Ryan!) * What actually scares us: demon twinks, American doll teeth, and capitalism Patryck’s closing wisdom: “That’s not a costume, Linda, that’s just you in your underwear with a calculator you don’t even know how to use.” Happy Halloween, y’all! 🍬🍺 #BackPorchBitching #HalloweenEpisode #SexyHalloween #HalloweenCostumes #PodcastLife #RealTalk #HalloweenHumor #SpookySeason #RyanMurphy #TrueCrime #HalloweenRant #ComedyPodcast #LGBTQ #GayPodcast