Probably Lovers

Loss feels like hope

To lose someone your love is to alter your life forever. Movie Recco: Demolition 2015 Song Recco: Beloved By Mumford & Sons

Delhi

Binny wandered throughout the city aimlessly while assuming that the city was going to heal him in some mystically cinematic way and thus he wouldn't have to think about this pain anymore, for it would absolve itself into a beautiful realisation about life and he would continue his life from a new edge without confronting his broken feelings. That's how he coped with his anxiety, by literally manipulating it into believing that... a) HE WAS FINE. b) HE IS FINE. c) HE WILL BE FINE. Binny believed in gaslighting himself because it gave him a sense of control over his feelings. He was aware how f*cked up he was, because he was the one orchestrating his own emotional decline. Randomly coming to a new city just to roam around in it aimlessly and meet new people...that was just part of his grand plan of sabotaging his self-growth by being impulsive and reckless in a new way with new people only to realize at the end of this trip that...he is just tired of trying to get better. Binny wandered throughout the city aimlessly while assuming that the city was going to heal him in some mystically cinematic way and thus he wouldn't have to think about this pain anymore, for it would absolve itself into a beautiful realisation about life and he would continue his life from a newlf. He will go to another city to meet more new people only to convince himself that he hasn't given up on himself, but the bitter truth about Binny's existence is that... . . . "...that he has drowned in his own sadness and it's just his dead body floating over the sea of his own sadness that looks alive because there's a smile on his face and from a distance, people who do not care enough to swim to him to check if he is alright or not, they always assume he is happy." . . . Binny is happy. He is happy being unhappy in different cities and he plans to get more lost until he loses his sh*t and finally ends it all :) Movie Recco: Decision to Leave Book Recco: Existential Kink

Probably Lovers

my name is binny and i'm 27. there's so much i can say, it always feels like i'm up to my throat with words. like i'm some thoughts-body. life is full. life is beautiful. life is here. it's now. and in this same breath, i want to say i don't know what the future looks like. sometimes i feel as if you were here before you were, not in some dream sequence or same-soul talk. that's cute too. but it's not that. i remember liking you earlier than having memories of you. is that strange? maybe that's why this hurts more than i thought it would. I am letting you go, and every other equivalent there is to this idea. that's not the point. it never is. the hurt is not in the hurt, the hurt is in how easily you are gave up. anyway this was fun, not be it's temporary but bcz this might be the closest thing to actual love despite how often i've written about it. I didn't take anything for granted. I cherished all our moments together, as if they were the last. They were our last. But, thank you for making me feel love for the first time. Movie Recco: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004). Song Recco: Dil-E-Nadaan by Kavitha Seth