037: Beyond Rewards and Threats: How to Parent for the Long Game

037: Beyond Rewards and Threats: How to Parent for the Long Game

Ever find yourself doing the classic parental count? "I’m going to count to 3! 1……2…………..3!!!!!!” 😬 It’s the universal sign that we’ve hit our limit. But while threats, countdowns, and quick-fix rewards might stop a tantrum today, what are they teaching our kids about tomorrow? This week, Marjie is joined by parent educators Patti and Fernanda to talk about the "long game" of parenting. We’re looking past the immediate compliance and asking the big question: How do our daily reactions shape the adults our kids will become? We’ll dive into why fear-based discipline backfires, how empty rewards can accidentally ding self-esteem, and how to shift toward a style that builds long-term capability and connection. (Bonus: We’ll also share a quick peek into how Adlerian principles can help us focus on mutual respect instead of control!) What We’re Diving Into: The Long Game: Aligning your daily, in-the-trenches parenting choices with your biggest hopes for their future. Counting Down: Why counting to 3 actually teaches kids they don't have to listen until you hit "2.5"—and how to pivot. Praise vs. Encouragement: The difference between creating a "reward addict" and genuinely noticing your child's effort. Real Consequences: Trading punishments that cause resentment for natural and logical consequences that teach responsibility. This Week’s Home Play: The Pause Before you react to the next power struggle, take a breath and play detective. When your child pushes a boundary this week, pause for just three seconds and ask yourself: Am I parenting for the next 5 minutes, or the next 5 years? * Does my reaction teach them a life skill (like problem-solving), or just teach them how to avoid getting caught? No shame, no guilt—just notice where you are playing the "short game" so you can start shifting toward the long game! 🕵️‍♀️ 💬Join the Conversation: Your ideas and questions matter. We’d love to hear your ideas and answer your questions. Share your thoughts on Instagram or drop us an email at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]. 🙏Subscribe & Rate: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Host Marjie Longshore, Founder of Family Leadership Center [https://familyleadershipcenter.org] Guests Patti Cancellier, Adlerian Parent/Family Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program. You can reach Patti at: patti.cancellier@pepparent.org [patti.cancellier@pepparent.org] Fernanda Peláez, an Adlerian counselor with a master's degree in Family Sciences and a certified Positive Discipline parent and classroom educator. You can reach Fernanda at: fernanda.pelaez@ipitayo.com [fernanda.pelaez@ipitayo.com] Special thanks to editor Max Cotter and FLC team member Wendy Tracy. Resources 🤓 Click here to see the visual created during this episode. [https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0726/5540/5194/files/Out_of_the_Nest_Activity.pdf?v=1782925121] 🎧 Check out Episode 29 to hear about building a family culture where everyone feels seen, respected, and ready to navigate family life together. 🧰 Order your Family Meeting Toolkit to jumpstart your family meeting practice: one of the cornerstones to building a strong family unit. Stay Connected 📝Subscribe to the Family Leadership Center newsletter ⚖️Subscribe to Paige's newsletter

036: The Power of Belonging: Why Your Child’s ‘Bad’ Behavior is a Cry for Connection

IN THIS EPISODE, WE’RE DIVING INTO CONNECTION—THE FIRST OF THE 4 CRUCIAL CS. WE’RE MOVING PAST THE "FIXING BEHAVIOR" MINDSET AND GETTING TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER: BELONGING ISN'T A LUXURY; IT’S A BIOLOGICAL SURVIVAL NEED. WHEN A CHILD DOESN'T FEEL THAT SOLID SENSE OF "I BELONG HERE," THEY DON'T JUST SIT STILL—THEY SCRAMBLE TO GET BACK INTO YOUR SPOTLIGHT. WE CALL THESE MISTAKEN GOALS. WHETHER THEY ARE ACTING LIKE A CLOWN OR PLAYING THE HELPLESS VICTIM, THEY AREN'T TRYING TO BE BAD; THEY ARE TRYING TO BE SEEN. Join the Conversation: Your ideas and questions matter. Let us know a fun way you created to connect this week! We’d love to hear your ideas and answer your questions. Share your thoughts on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/familyleadershipctr?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==] or drop us an email at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]. 🙏Subscribe & Rate: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts.  ⁉️Questions/Suggestions/Feedback: Your feedback helps us continue bringing you helpful and insightful episodes every week. Please email us at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org] HOSTS  Marjie Longshore, Founder of Family Leadership Center [https://familyleadershipcenter.org] Paige Trevor, Parent Coach [https://www.paigetrevor.com] Special thanks to editor Max Cotter and Wendy Tracy Resources 🤓 Check out Paige’s Resource Page [https://www.paigetrevor.com/parenting-toolkit] for the Ultimate Chore List 🎧Reboot Special Time with Episode 05: The Present of Your Presence: 1-on-1 Time with Your Child Boosts Confidence and Trust  [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/podcast/the-present-of-your-presence-1-on-1-time-with-your-child-boosts-confidence-and-trust-podcast-episode-5] 🧰Pick up a Family Meeting Toolkit [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/pages/circle-in] if you don’t already have one! Join our community and share what happens when you look for strengths and share them with the children in your life! STAY CONNECTED 📝Subscribe to the Family Leadership Center newsletter [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/#:~:text=View%20all-,Circle%20In%20with%20Us!,-Let%27s%20stay%20connected] ⚖️Subscribe to Paige's newsletter [https://www.paigetrevor.com/#newsletter-sign-up]

035: Encouragement: the heart of it all

STOP PRAISING, START EMPOWERING We’ve all been there: over-praising in an effort to motivate, only to realize that external validation isn't the same thing as internal courage. Or, we try to "help" by pointing out what needs fixing, unintentionally leaving everyone feeling discouraged. This week, Marjie and Paige dive into the real engine of a happy home: Encouragement. It’s more than just a pat on the back—it’s about giving our kids (and ourselves!) the courage to be imperfect, to grow, and to contribute. Join the Conversation: Your ideas and questions matter. We’d love to hear your ideas and answer your questions. Share your thoughts on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/familyleadershipctr?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==] or drop us an email at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]. 🙏Subscribe & Rate: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts.  ⁉️Questions/Suggestions/Feedback: Your feedback helps us continue bringing you helpful and insightful episodes every week. Please email us at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org] Hosts  Marjie Longshore, Founder of Family Leadership Center [https://familyleadershipcenter.org] Paige Trevor, Parent Coach [https://www.paigetrevor.com] Special thanks to editor Max Cotter and Wendy Tracy RESOURCES 🤓 Check out Paige’s Ode to Encouragement Blog [https://www.paigetrevor.com/blog/an-ode-to-encouragement] for some more inspiration 🎧 Marjie and Louisa share wonderful ways to encourage through strengths: 018: Finding Strengths: The Essence of Encouragement [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/podcast/finding-strengths-the-essence-of-encouragement-podcast-episode-18?_pos=7&_sid=b0de512eb&_ss=r] 🧰 Pick up a Family Meeting Toolkit [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/pages/circle-in] if you don’t already have one! 📄 Encouragement vs Discouragement Handout [https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0726/5540/5194/files/Encouragement_vs_Discouragement_handout.pdf?v=1778184386] 📖 Books mentioned: Punished by Rewards [https://www.alfiekohn.org/punished-rewards/], by Alfie Kohn and Mindset [https://themindsetonline.com/thebook/buythebook/index.html], by Carol Dweck Join our community and share what happens when you look for strengths and share them with the children in your life! STAY CONNECTED 📝Subscribe to the Family Leadership Center newsletter [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/#:~:text=View%20all-,Circle%20In%20with%20Us!,-Let%27s%20stay%20connected] ⚖️Subscribe to Paige's newsletter [https://www.paigetrevor.com/#newsletter-sign-up]

034: What's Your Style? Parenting on Purpose

Does your day start with gentle good mornings and end with drill sergeant vibes? If you find yourself swinging from the Permissive Parent at breakfast ("Eat your breakfast, okay?") to the Autocratic Parent by bedtime ("Get in bed, NOW!!!"), you aren't alone. In fact, many parents find themselves caught in this pendulum swing, trying to be kind but eventually losing their patience when things don't get done. In this episode, Marjie and Paige explore the four parenting styles and how they shape the roles our children play. The Four Styles at a Glance: * 🍭 The Permissive Parent (The "Feel Good" Approach):  High warmth, low limits. We prioritize harmony and happiness. While it feels nice in the moment, we might accidentally treat our kids like "guests" in the home, leaving them without the life skills they need. * 💂 The Autocratic Parent (The "Look Right" Approach): Low warmth, high limits. We prioritize order and obedience. While things might look "right" on the outside, it often trades long-term connection for short-term compliance—and can leave kids struggling to find their own voice. * 📱 The Distracted Parent (The "Hands-Off" Approach): Life is busy, and sometimes we just let them figure it out. However, without our presence and coaching, kids can miss out on the vital training and connection that fuels their growth. * 🛠️ The Encouraging Parent (The "Do Good" Approach): The sweet spot! This is High Warmth + High Expectations. We stop trying to "fix" our children and start solving problems with them through mutual respect.   This Week's Home Play: The Detective 🕵️‍♀️ Before we change a single habit, we have to see them!  Don't change a thing yet—just observe. Keep a shame-free log of your default moves: * Which style did your own parents use? (We often repeat what we know or swing to the opposite extreme). * When do you step in to "save" them? (e.g. forgotten lunches, tied shoes, or managing their big emotions for them). * When do you find yourself on repeat? (e.g. shoes, chores, or the "one more minute" screen-time battle). Join the Conversation: Your ideas and questions matter. Let us know your Parenting Style! We'd love to hear your ideas and answer your questions. Share your thoughts on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/familyleadershipctr?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==] or drop us an email at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]. 🙏Subscribe & Rate: If you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts.  ⁉️Questions/Suggestions/Feedback: Your feedback helps us continue bringing you helpful and insightful episodes every week. Please email us at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]   Hosts  Marjie Longshore, Founder of Family Leadership Center [https://familyleadershipcenter.org] Paige Trevor, Parent Coach [https://www.paigetrevor.com]   Special thanks to editor Max Cotter and Wendy Tracy   Resources 🤓 Read Paige's PEP blog: To Change the Walk, Start with the Talk [https://pepparent.org/change-walk-start-talk/] describing that clay exercise 🎧 Listen Again: 032 Family Play [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/podcast/the-family-play-designing-a-stage-where-everyone-can-shine-episode-032] ♥️ Book a 20-minute Free Parenting Consult with Paige [https://www.paigetrevor.com/coaching] 📚 Explore more on parenting styles in this FLC blog: All About Parenting Styles [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/blog/all-about-parenting-styles-a-note-from-alyson-schafer?_pos=1&_sid=1e041da9e&_ss=r] 🧰Pick up a Family Meeting Toolkit [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/pages/circle-in] if you don't already have one!   Join our community and share what happens when you look for strengths and share them with the children in your life!   Stay Connected 📝Subscribe to the Family Leadership Center newsletter [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/#:~:text=View%20all-,Circle%20In%20with%20Us!,-Let%27s%20stay%20connected] ⚖️Subscribe to Paige's newsletter [https://www.paigetrevor.com/#newsletter-sign-up]

033: Out of the Nest: Reverse-Engineer Your Parenting

What if you stopped parenting for today and started parenting for a Tuesday ten years from now? This episode introduces the "Out of the Nest" framework—a powerful exercise that helps you work backward from your long-term vision to handle today's reality. By shifting your focus from "fixing the behavior" to "building the human," you transform navigating family life into the exact training ground your kids need. Paige and Marjie share: * The Dinner Guest Test: Imagine your child at age 30, knocking on your door for dinner. We look at the qualities you hope they have then (like resilience and kindness) and how the challenges you're facing now can become the gifts to develop those qualities. * What Tools Work?: We audit the common tools—nagging, rescuing, reminding, and punishing—and ask the hard question: Are these methods actually building the skills required for an independent adult? * Challenges as Opportunities: Learn how to reframe a screen-time battle or a sibling spat as a specific opportunity to teach self-advocacy and accountability.   Instead of acting as a short-term manager, start acting as a long-term mentor. Your home is the primary social laboratory— where everyone learns that mistakes don't define them, and the skills to navigate the challenges of life.   ----------------------------------------   ✍️Home Play: Imagine your child is 30 years old and visiting you. What is one quality you hope they have? Now, look at a struggle you had with them recently—how could that challenge be utilized to grow and practice that specific quality? 💬Join the Conversation: Your ideas and questions matter. We'd love to hear your thoughts on the "Out of the Nest" framework and answer your questions. Share your thoughts anonymously here [https://22r4gkxhjkt.typeform.com/PodcastQs], on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/familyleadershipctr?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==], or drop us an email at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]. 🙏Subscribe & Rate: If you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts.  ⁉️Questions/Suggestions/Feedback: Your feedback helps us continue bringing you helpful and insightful episodes every week. Please email us at questions@familyleadershipcenter.org [questions@familyleadershipcenter.org]   Hosts  Marjie Longshore, Founder of Family Leadership Center [https://familyleadershipcenter.org] Paige Trevor, Parent Coach [https://www.paigetrevor.com]   Special thanks to editor Max Cotter and Wendy Tracy   Resources 🎧 Take another listen to 004: Parenting Hacks: 10 Ways to Foster Cooperation Through Chores [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/podcast/parenting-hacks-10-ways-to-foster-cooperation-through-chores-podcast-episode-4?_pos=1&_sid=143c6d1ac&_ss=r]  ♥️ Read Paige's Blog: The Path of Parenting [https://www.paigetrevor.com/blog/the-path-of-parenting]  ⚒️A parent's perspective on raising responsible, caring humans: Teaching Kids to Be Capable [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/blogs/blog/the-long-term-value-of-teaching-kids-to-be-capable-and-can-do] 🧰Pick up a Family Meeting Toolkit [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/pages/circle-in] if you don't already have one!   Stay Connected 📝Subscribe to the Family Leadership Center newsletter [https://www.familyleadershipcenter.org/#:~:text=View%20all-,Circle%20In%20with%20Us!,-Let%27s%20stay%20connected] ⚖️Subscribe to Paige's newsletter [https://www.paigetrevor.com/#newsletter-sign-up]