23: The 3 Core Beliefs That Stop my Urge To Control The Outcome

23: The 3 Core Beliefs That Stop my Urge To Control The Outcome

When your teenager comes to you with something that's gone wrong — a tricky social situation, a teacher they're sure has been unfair — when do you step in, and when do you step back? It's one of the hardest questions of these years: we want to encourage their independence, yet every protective instinct pulls the other way. In this episode, I draw on years of coaching teenagers — and on raising my own two, both moving through big transitions right now — to share the three quiet beliefs that have changed how I meet these moments. There's no clean rulebook here and no tidy finish line; just a steadier way to hold the urge to fix — though I'll admit, the operative word most days is trying to do the right thing. What You'll Discover I open by naming the shift at the heart of these years — the move from protecting our teens from the world to encouraging them out into it — and why the hard question isn't why we do this, but how, when it goes against every instinct we have. I share the three core beliefs I first learned when I trained as a coach: that the young person in front of us is whole, that they already hold the answers, and that our role isn't to solve but to ask. I explain where these come from — they're cornerstones of the Co-Active coaching model, echoed in Sir John Whitmore's idea of coaching as drawing out a person's own potential rather than pouring knowledge in — and why they're just as true of our own teenagers. I bring it home with the honest truth of how hard this is in practice — and the small but powerful shift from sticking on the plaster myself to showing them where the plasters are kept, so that next time, they can find them on their own. I offer the questions I reach for instead of fixing — including the one I'd choose above all others — and why asking, rather than rescuing, tells our teens that we believe they can carry this. I finish with a simple ten-second practice for the moment the urge to fix rises, and where I draw the line between stepping in for safety and stepping in for discomfort. Key Moments * The shift no one quite warns you about — from protecting your teen to encouraging them out into the world * Why we already know why we should step back; the real question is how, when instinct fights it * The three beliefs every coach holds — and what changes when you bring them home * The small shift that builds resourcefulness: from sticking on the plaster to telling them where the plasters are kept * The one question to ask instead of fixing — and why it stops you feeling rubbish when your help isn't landing * Where I draw the line: stepping in for safety, not for discomfort Your Practice This Week This week, aim to use one of these practices with your teen: 1. When something's gone wrong, ask before you advise: What do you feel might help most? 2. Hand them the choice: Do you want me to just listen — or shall we talk it through together? 3. When you feel the urge to fix rising, pause and quietly name it — there's the urge — before you say anything. That half-second of space is where the choice lives. You don't need to do all three at once. Start with the one that feels most true — and let me know how you get on. Enjoying the podcast? If this episode resonated, please leave a quick rating or review wherever you're listening — it helps us grow the show and is greatly appreciated. Connect with Kate Email: Questions or topics you'd like me to cover? hello@kateboydwilliams.com [hello@kateboydwilliams.com] Share: If this resonated, share it with another parent using the link on the player above. Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your teenager is struggling with their mental health, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.

22: Half Term Habits That Help: What I Learnt After Years of Exam Seasons With Teenagers

Half term arrives in exam season feeling like neither quite a holiday nor a school week — and for many families, that in-between space is genuinely hard to hold. You want your teen to rest. You're worried they'll fall behind. And you're trying to keep the household from tipping into tension. In this episode, I draw on years of running boarding houses through exam cycles to share what I found actually helped students cope well — and what I'm trying to bring home this week with my own two, though the emphasis, I'll admit, is very much on the word trying. What You'll Discover I open by sharing what I noticed after many exam cycles with teenagers — that the students who coped best weren't the ones who worked the hardest, but the ones who stayed purposeful about their rest and their relationships alongside their revision. One approach never fitted all, and my key role was always to create an environment in which each student could flourish in their own way. I share the specific habits we built into boarding house life during exam season — from rounders after supper and nutritionist talks about what the brain actually needs, to the girl who asked if we could make the dining room a no-exam-talk zone at mealtimes. It was entirely her idea. And it worked more than almost anything else we tried. I explain what the research tells us about why this matters — drawing on Shawn Achor's work on positive priming, and why a brain in a positive emotional state before a task is measurably more focused, creative and resilient under pressure. I bring it home to this half term — sharing what I'm trying with my own two teens right now, the practical rhythms that seem to help, and why creating the right conditions matters as much as the revision plan itself. I offer three coaching questions to hold this week that can ease tension, prevent conflict and keep your relationship with your teen warm under pressure — whatever the exams ahead look like. Key Moments * Why the students who coped best protected certain things alongside their work * The boarding house habits that made healthy choices feel easy — and one student's idea that changed everything * What a nutritionist told students about what the brain needs during exam season * Why evening yoga and visualisation sessions became the practice students came back for, year after year * Shawn Achor's positive priming research — and why fun isn't the opposite of productive * James Clear on systems over goals — and what that means for a half term week * Three questions to ask yourself this week to ease tension, avoid conflict and keep balance at home * What I'm actually trying at home this week — with two teens, two different exams, and no perfect answers Your Practice This Week At some point today, ask yourself the three questions from this episode: 1. What does my teen actually need right now — not what do they need to get done, but what do they need? 2. What would good enough look like, for both of us, this week? 3. And what's one thing we can do together that has nothing to do with exams at all? You don't need to answer all three at once. Start with the one that feels most true. If you'd like support for your teen with the regulation and visualisation practice I describe in this episode, the Student Audio Toolkit is available on my website now — five practices designed to calm the nervous system, enhance focus and recall, and help your teen see their exams going well. Access the toolkit HERE [https://kateboydwilliams.com/student-exam-ready-audio-toolkit] Connect with Kate Email: Questions or topics? hello@kateboydwilliams.com [https://kateboydwilliams.com/contact] Share: If this resonated, share it with another parent using the link on the player above. Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your teenager is experiencing severe anxiety, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.

21: You Know You Need To Regulate. But How To Do That?

There's a word that comes up constantly in conversations about parenting teenagers — co-regulation. We're told it matters. We're told our nervous system sets the tone. But what does it actually look and feel like in practice? What does it mean to be regulated on a Tuesday afternoon, when the day has been long and there's still everything still to do? This episode is the answer to that question. What You'll Discover I open by naming the most common misconception about regulation — and why calm all the time isn't actually the goal. Regulation isn't stillness. It's elasticity. The capacity to be struck by something and choose how you respond. I introduce three ways of thinking about the pause that brings us back to ourselves — the power pause, the fermata, and the Japanese concept of Ma — and share what regulation actually looks like in an ordinary day, in the body, before we've even noticed it's needed. I share a story about a colleague whose very young children had a name for her — Mummy Byebye — and what that quietly revealed about where we both were heading. And why the signs of approaching burnout almost never announce themselves loudly. I explain why co-regulation means our regulation isn't just about us — it's the emotional weather our teenagers live inside. And I share three practical steps for returning to baseline in the middle of a real day: the check-in, the body scan and release, and choosing what you actually need. Key Moments * What regulation actually is — and why calm all the time is the wrong target * The power pause, the fermata and Ma — three ways to think about the same essential practice * The Mummy Byebye story — and what it quietly revealed about burnout * How to recognise the signs before depletion becomes the default * Why your regulation is the emotional weather your teenager lives inside * The three-step return-to-baseline sequence you can use today Quote from this episode "The body mounts a stress response, but the mind is unaware of the threat. We keep ourselves in physiologically stressful situations, with only a dim awareness of distress or no awareness at all." — Gabor Maté "The difference between peak performance and poor performance is not intelligence or ability — most often it's the state that your mind and body is in." — Tony Robbins Your Practice This Week At some point today — before you walk back in, before a conversation that matters — ask yourself: what's my number? One to ten. Don't analyse it. Just name it. Then ask what's underneath it. That's where the practice begins. If you'd like support with this, I have a guided emotional regulation visualisation on my website — just four minutes, designed to walk you through the return-to-baseline practice described in this episode. You can access it HERE [https://kateboydwilliams.com/process-emotions-visualisation-sign-up]. CONNECT WITH KATE Email: Questions or topics? hello@kateboydwilliams.com [hello@kateboydwilliams.com] Share: If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it — the link is on the player above. Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If you or your teenager are experiencing severe anxiety or burnout, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.

20: Is the Wait Before Exams Harder Than the Exams Themselves? Here's What the Research Says

If you're living with a teenager who seems flat, restless or not quite themselves right now — and you're not sure whether what you're seeing is normal or something to pay closer attention to — this episode is for you. This week I'm talking about what I think of as the hardest part of exam season. Not the exams themselves — the waiting. The weeks of anticipation before they walk into that room. And why that window is often neurologically more difficult than the exams ever will be. What You'll Discover I open by naming what's actually happening in your teenager's nervous system right now — and why this period has a specific name: anticipatory anxiety. Using the research of physician Gabor Maté, I walk through the three factors that universally trigger a stress response, and show exactly why the pre-exam window ticks every single one of them. Plus a fourth that rarely gets named — the internal conflict of wanting to enjoy these last weeks while knowing that full freedom isn't quite available yet. I share how to tell the difference between normal signs of this window and signs worth paying closer attention to — and the one simple question that's always better than assuming. I then tackle something counter-intuitive that I think is one of the most important things to understand about this period. Most of us instinctively tell our teenagers to cut back on socialising and fun until exams are over. Harvard researcher Shawn Achor's work — across a study of over 1,600 students — tells a very different story. And I share what I observed in the boarding house that confirmed it. And finally, three things that actually help — including something I've made specifically for this window, and the story of a student who went from shaking and unable to hold a pen in his first A-level exam, to completing everything that followed. Key Moments * What anticipatory anxiety actually is — and why naming it reduces its power * The three Gabor Maté stress triggers, and why the waiting window hits all of them * How to tell normal exam-season behaviour from signs worth acting on * The social paradox: why cutting everything out may be the worst revision strategy * What I saw in the boarding house — and what the research confirms * Three practical tools for this window, including a daily regulation practice * The one question to ask yourself about your teenager this week Quote from this episode "The research literature has identified three factors that universally lead to stress: uncertainty, the lack of information and the loss of control." — Gabor Maté Your Practice This Week Before your next interaction with your teenager this week, pause and ask yourself: what's one true thing I believe about them that they might not be able to believe about themselves right now? You don't need to say it out loud. Just let it change how you walk into the room. And if you'd like something to offer your teenager directly, the Student Exam-Ready Audio Toolkit is available HERE [https://kateboydwilliams.com/exam-series] — five guided practices drawing on sophrology, visualisation and performance neuroscience, designed to be used daily between now and the last exam. If you'd prefer to start with something for yourself, the free parent guide is there too — five strategies for supporting your teenager through this period without adding to the pressure. A closing wish for you this week — from the Buddhist loving kindness meditation: "May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be at peace." You can say these words quietly for yourself. Or silently, in your head, for your teenager. Either way — they work. CONNECT WITH KATE Email: Questions or topics? hello@kateboydwilliams.com [../contact] Share: If this resonated, share it with another parent using the link on the player above. Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your teenager is experiencing severe anxiety, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.

19: What If the Best Thing You Can Do This Term Is Begin With One Conversation?

If you've come back from the Easter holidays feeling like you never quite switched off — and you're not sure whether your teenager did either — this episode is for you. This week I'm back after a short break, and I want to talk about what this term actually asks of us. Not the revision timetables or the revision techniques — the four things that genuinely move the needle between now and exam day. I also share a simple three-goal conversation you can have with your teenager this week, plus the practical details of when and how to have it, because that's often the hardest part. What You'll Discover I open by naming something that rarely gets talked about — the particular difficulty of Easter when exams are close. The tension between rest and revision, the household pulled in different directions, the siblings and the worry and the holding it all together. If that was your house this holiday, I want you to know it's not just yours. I share the two places parents tend to be at the start of this term: the teen who has revised a lot but isn't perhaps as refreshed as you'd hope, and the one where you're not sure enough happened. And why the response to both is the same — shift the focus entirely from what's happened - to what's possible from here. I then walk through four areas that make a genuine difference between now and exam day — nutrition, sleep, purposeful work alongside real rest, and mindset. None of them are about finding a better revision technique. And I share one specific thing to listen out for in your teenager's language, and what to do when you hear it. And finally, I invite you into a three-goal conversation — one academic anchor, one thing that's entirely theirs, and one about how they want to feel by the end of term. I share exactly where to have it, how to open it, and what to do if they go quiet. Key Moments * Why Easter is genuinely hard to navigate — and why it matters to acknowledge that * The two places parents arrive at the start of this term, and what helps with both * The four areas that actually move the needle between now and exam day * Why mindset isn't just attitude — and what to do when the language turns negative * The three-goal conversation: what it is, when to have it, and how to open it * Why side by side always works better than face to face Your Practice This Week Find your low-pressure moment — in the car, on a walk, after food — and ask your teenager these three questions: which subject do you most want to do well in this term? What's the one thing outside school you want to keep doing? And how do you want to feel by the end of term? Then listen to what comes back. You don't need to fix anything. Just hear them. If you'd like a calm and practical place to start with supporting your teenager through exam season, my free guide is available HERE [https://kateboydwilliams.com/exam-series] — five strategies drawn from coaching and sophrology, written for parents who want to help without adding to the pressure. CONNECT WITH KATE Email: Questions or topics? hello@kateboydwilliams.com [hello@kateboydwilliams.com] Share: If this resonated, share it with another parent using the link on the player above. Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your teenager is experiencing severe anxiety, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.