I Don't Want to Be in This Mess: The Phrase That Stopped the Spiral in Our Home

Conflict, Boundaries, and the Friends Who Shape You: A Final Conversation on Friendship

What do you do when a conflict catches you off guard, and you want to fire back immediately? What about when someone in your life, a friend, a spouse, a child, says something that stings but might actually be true?   In today’s episode of Cultivating a Home, Rhonda and Melissa close out their three-part conversation on friendship by delving into the harder territory: conflict, repair, boundaries, and the honest self-examination that makes it all possible.   Rhonda shares the story of a harsh email from a consultant she genuinely liked, and how pausing before responding led to one of the best friendships she ever built. She also shares a quieter, more personal story about a homeschooling event at her house, a phone call earlier that same day, and the moment a friend told her she had not been fully truthful.   The episode also covers what to do when a friend enters a life stage you are longing for, how to stay peaceful with people who hold different beliefs, and the book quote that changed how Rhonda thinks about every choice she makes in a week.   This conversation applies far beyond friendship. It applies to any group, community, or relationship where people have to do life together.   Key Takeaways [0:01:52] Applying friendship lessons to any group or community setting  [0:02:15] Responding to conflict by pausing, praying, and looking for underlying hurt  [0:04:49] Treating criticism as potential insight into blind spots and growth areas [0:07:30] Repairing conflict by owning your part and offering uncomplicated apologies  [0:09:09] Using clear priorities to guide boundaries and saying no [0:12:11] Viewing boundaries as tools to stay healthy, not to punish others [0:15:30] Practicing contentment and empathy when friends enter life stages you desire  [0:21:54] Staying peaceful and respectful with friends who hold different beliefs or views  [0:24:00] Recognizing how friends shape everyday choices, resources, and habits  [0:31:07] Evaluating what kind of friend you are and how your friendships center around Christlike growth  Key Scriptures Romans 12:18 (referenced) "As much as it is within you, be at peace with all men." Proverbs 13:20 "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." Episode Takeaways   1. The next time you want to fire back, wait. Give yourself at least a few hours before responding to a message or conversation that stung. Then ask two questions: what is the hurt underneath what they actually said, and is there any truth to it? Let those answers guide what you do next.   1. Go through your phone and think about what each friendship is producing. Is there someone you only call to vent? Is there someone who only calls you for the same reason? That friendship is worth a quiet, honest look. Not judgment, just clarity about whether it is helping either of you grow.   1. Ask someone close to you one question this week: how do I come across to people? Ask for one honest answer. When they give it, say thank you. Then sit with it and ask the Lord if it is true. Resources + Links Let’s Keep The Conversation Going!  * New episodes release every Thursday. Be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. * Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis [https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis]  * Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis [https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis]  * Visit us at: http://cultivatingahome.com [http://cultivatingahome.com]  Did this episode help you? Share it with a friend who's drowning in clutter or noise and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It means everything to a new show.

Why Doesn't She Invite Me Over? What God Showed Me About Friendship and Expectations

Have you ever felt a little hurt that a friend didn't invite you over, didn't call you back, or didn't show up for you the way you would have shown up for her? In Episode 12 of Cultivating a Home, Rhonda and Melissa continue their conversation on friendship by tackling one of the most common things that quietly kills it: expectations.   Rhonda shares a story from years ago, standing in a friend's backyard and wondering why she had never been invited over, only to realize later that she had been keeping score without meaning to. What God showed her changed how she has approached friendship ever since: people give differently, and the goal is not to expect reciprocity, but to recognize what someone is actually offering.   They talk through how to extend grace for someone else's season of life, what it looks like to build truly safe friendships where you can be vulnerable, and why receiving help is sometimes harder than giving it. Rhonda also shares a simple, practical habit that has deepened her friendships for years: writing down what matters to the people around her so she can actually show up for them.   This episode will change how you see every friendship in your life.   Topics Covered in This Episode * [0:01:45] Different Friends, Different Gifts * [0:03:30] Why Keeping Score Makes You Lose * [0:04:30] From “Here I Am” to “There You Are” * [0:05:10] Not Every Friendship Has to Be Deep * [0:06:57] The Text-Tally Trap * [0:07:20] Assuming the Best Changes Everything * [0:08:18] When They Keep Saying No * [0:08:38] Casual but Kind: Letting Friendships Be What They Are * [0:10:10] Don’t Miss a Hurting Friend Because You’re Hurt * [0:11:40] Casual Friends vs. Heart-Deep Friends * [0:12:30] Why “Keeping It Together” Blocks Real Connection * [0:14:59] Grace in the Mess of Different Personalities * [0:17:30] Outgrowing Legalism and Image-Management * [0:18:49] How Past Hurt Makes New Friends Feel Risky * [0:20:30] Risking Rejection to Build Real Friendship * [0:23:32] Ask Your Family: “What Kind of Friend Am I?” * [0:25:16] Blind Spots, Wounds, and Real Apologies * [0:27:43] Responding to Holy Spirit Nudges to Reach Out * [0:29:30] Deep Connection Without Constant Proximity * [0:32:42] Am I Lightening My Friends’ Loads or Adding Pressure? Episode Takeaways 1. Name one friendship where you might be keeping score. Take it to the Lord honestly and ask Him to show you what that person is actually giving, even if it looks different than what you expected. Let go of the tally.   1. Start a simple system for remembering what matters to people. A note on your phone, a line in your planner, whatever works. The next time a friend mentions a doctor's appointment, a big event, or something hard coming up, write it down. Pray for them, then follow up afterward and ask how it went.   1. Ask someone you trust, "How do I come across to people?" Ask for just one honest answer. When they tell you, respond with "thank you," not with a defense. That single response is what tells them whether you are actually a safe place.   Resources + Links   Let’s Keep The Conversation Going!  * New episodes release every Thursday. Be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis [https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis]  * Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis [https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis]  * Visit us at: http://cultivatingahome.com [http://cultivatingahome.com]  Did this episode help you? Share it with a friend who's drowning in clutter or noise and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It means everything to a new show.

Here I Am vs. There You Are: The Mindset Shift That Changes How You Make Friends

Women can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. They can be in a good marriage, a full church, a busy life, and still crave the kind of friendship where they feel truly safe, seen, and understood. In today’s episode, Rhonda and Melissa open a 3-part conversation on friendship: how to find it, what gets in the way, and why the biggest obstacle is usually the one staring back in the mirror. Rhonda walks through a simple but powerful framework she calls "Here I Am vs. There You Are." Most of us walk into a room thinking about ourselves, whether we are loud about it or quiet. The shift happens when we walk in thinking about everyone else. She breaks down what that actually looks like in real conversations, with someone you have been meaning to get to know. She also talks about insecurity, walls, jealousy, and the freedom that comes when you stop competing and start genuinely cheering for the people around you.   Part two continues next week. Make to Subscribe to the podcast - so you do not miss it.   Topics Covered in This Episode [0:00:26] Why Women Still Feel Lonely in a Crowd [0:02:24] Stop Waiting—How to Actually Make New Friends [0:03:50] Simple Scripts for Asking Someone to Lunch [0:06:12] Turn Everyday Activities into Friendship Opportunities [0:06:57] The Biggest Obstacle to Friendship: Ourselves [0:07:40] How Insecurity Sabotages Your Relationships [0:08:38] Becoming a Better Listener and Less of a “One-Upper.” [0:09:32] Do You Really Prioritize Friendship? [0:10:34] Stuck in “Why Don’t They Like Me?” [0:11:18] Here I Am vs There You Are [0:13:20] Questions That Make People Feel Seen and Valued [0:15:05] Friendship for Introverts and Extroverts [0:16:12] Why Making Friends Is Hard for Every Temperament [0:17:05] Shifting the Focus Off Yourself [0:18:18] Intimidated by Her Gifts? Do This Instead [0:19:30] Turn Jealousy into Curiosity and Learning [0:20:32] Safe Friendships Where You Don’t Have to Pretend [0:21:27] Be the Friend Who Assumes the Best [0:21:50] Friendship, Motherhood, and the Posture of Your Heart Episode Takeaways   1. Try "There You Are" in one situation this week. The next time you walk into a room where you do not know many people, before you think about where you will sit or what people will think of you, look for one person who looks like they could use a conversation. Go to them. Ask one question. Then just listen. 2. Make a specific ask, not a vague one. Think of one person you have been meaning to get to know better. Do not text "we should get together." Text: "Would you want to grab lunch next Thursday? There is a place near you I have been wanting to try." Set the date in the message. 3. Find one thing to genuinely compliment this week. Think of someone whose gift or talent you have noticed but never said out loud. Say it. Not fluff. Something specific and true. Watch what it does to the dynamic between you. Resources + Links Let’s Keep The Conversation Going!  * New episodes release every Thursday. Be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis [https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis]  * Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis [https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis]  * Visit us at: http://cultivatingahome.com [http://cultivatingahome.com]  Did this episode help you? Share it with a friend who's drowning in clutter or noise and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It means everything to a new show.

I Don't Want to Be in This Mess: The Phrase That Stopped the Spiral in Our Home

Every family has moments where someone starts digging a hole and cannot seem to stop. A stubborn toddler who will not admit what she did. A preteen with a tone that keeps escalating. A misread text between friends that is turning into something it never needed to be. A disagreement with a husband that has gone three rounds longer than it should have.   On today’s episode, Rhonda shares a simple phrase she developed for her youngest daughter, who reminded her a lot of herself: “I don't want to be in this mess.” Five words that interrupt the spiral, give a child language to stop digging, and open the door to restoration without shame.   Rhonda traces the phrase back to a fifth-grade classroom, a substitute teacher, a series of bad choices, and check marks on a chalkboard. She also walks through the biblical framework behind it: putting off one behavior and putting on its opposite, at every age from toddler to adult.   And then she gets personal about a two-year season when one of her children was recovering from a traumatic brain injury, and how a deep study of Psalms became the thing that kept her faith intact.   Practical, honest, and worth sharing with every mom you know.   Topics Covered in This Episode * Where "I don't want to be in this mess" came from, and why Rhonda created it * The fifth grade substitute teacher story and what kept making it worse * How to introduce the phrase to toddlers using role play and gentle coaching * Using it with young elementary kids who storm off and cannot find their way back * Preteens who can learn to interrupt their own behavior before it goes further * Self-awareness as a skill that can be taught, not just hoped for * James 1:19: quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath * Proverbs 12:22: lying lips are an abomination, but those who deal truly are His delight * The put off / put on framework: you cannot remove a behavior without replacing it with something else * Using the phrase in marriage: "Honey, I don't want to be in this mess." * Romans 12:18: if it is possible, live at peace with all men * Anxiety and worry: putting off fear and putting on trust through Philippians 4:6 * The traumatic brain injury season and what Rhonda learned from going through every Psalm * How every human emotion is represented in Psalms, and what always happens by the end * Praise music, journaling, and the consistency of showing up to God when everything is hard * How to include your children in hard family seasons without making them carry the burden * Using every situation as a teachable moment   Key Scriptures James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Proverbs 12:22 "Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truly are His delight." Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Philippians 4:6 (referenced) "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."   Listen in to learn more :  * [0:01:17] Fifth-Grade Meltdown Origin Story * [0:03:09] “I Don’t Want to Be in This Mess” Parenting Tool * [0:05:40] Role-Playing Repair with Young Kids * [0:06:54] Using the Phrase to Heal Sibling Conflict * [0:08:37] Preteen Self-Awareness & Interrupting Attitude * [0:09:55] Put Off / Put On Framework from Scripture * [0:11:06] Teaching Truth Over Lying with Proverbs 12:22 * [0:14:18] Handling Misread Texts & Choosing Peace * [0:17:31] Trading Anxiety for Trust and Prayer * [0:18:40] Walking Through Trauma with Psalms * [0:21:40] Coaching Kids Through Hard Emotions Biblically * [0:23:19] Practical Tools: Journaling, Worship, Family Prayer * [0:25:23] Involving Siblings in Empathy and Care * [0:26:04] Using Every Trial as a Teachable Moment   Resources + Links Let’s Keep The Conversation Going!  * New episodes release every Thursday. Be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis [https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis]  * Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis [https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis]  * Visit us at: http://cultivatingahome.com [http://cultivatingahome.com]  Did this episode help you? Share it with a friend who's drowning in clutter or noise — and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It means everything to a new show.

A Generous Tongue: How Specific Words of Encouragement Can Change the Atmosphere of Your Home

What if the most generous thing you could give someone today cost nothing at all?   In today’s episode of Cultivating a Home, Rhonda and Melissa wrap up their two-part conversation on generosity by going beyond money and talents to two things most people never think to give intentionally: their time and their words.   Rhonda shares what it looked like to show up at the home of a grieving family with her children, a Sam's Club cart full of supplies, and no idea how they would get everything inside without making it about themselves. She talks about the difference between saying "let me know if you need anything" and actually showing up, and why being present without having answers is sometimes the most powerful gift you can offer.   Then the conversation shifts to the tongue. Rhonda introduces a phrase she has used in her home for years: " When you think something nice, say it.” She shares the moment her son told a waitress she had excellent people skills, and how that one specific, genuine observation brought the woman to tears.   The episode closes with the special plate tradition, a simple practice any family can start today to build a home where people speak life into each other. Topics Covered in This Episode * What it means to give your time as an act of generosity * Looking for opportunities in the everyday places you already are: sports fields, ballet recitals, neighborhoods * The difference between "let me know if you need anything" and actually showing up with something specific * Texting instead of calling when someone is grieving, and why it works better * The Sam's Club run: showing up at a grieving family's home with a car full of supplies and no plan * The Art of Helping by Lauren Whitlow Briggs [https://www.amazon.com/Art-Helping-What-Someone-Hurting/dp/1589191668] and the do's and don'ts of helping in hard situations * Karen's question about the garden tub: how to make a specific offer that is easy to say yes to * Learning to let people help you: the pride and the blessing on the other side of receiving * A generous tongue: why specific compliments land differently than general ones * When you think something nice, say it. Teaching this as a habit at home before asking kids to do it in public * The waitress story: what one elementary-aged boy noticed and said out loud * Speaking life into people without flattery: the difference between genuine observation and empty words * The special plate tradition: how to honor a family member with specific, real words * How to include toddlers in the special plate even before they can form full sentences * It is never too late to start. Start where you are today.   Key Scripture Proverbs 22:9 (continued from Episode 8) "He who has a generous eye will be blessed, for he gives of his bread to the poor."   The Special Plate Tradition   The special plate is a red plate that says "You Are Special." One person is honored at a time. Everyone at the table goes around and shares something specific about that person: a character quality, a skill, a real story. Not flattery. Real, observed, genuine words.   How to start even if your kids are little: Whisper the words to them line by line and let them repeat. "You are special. Because you are my dad. I like it when you make pancakes with me." They are learning the rhythm long before they can do it on their own.   You do not need the plate. If you are on vacation or away from home, the concept travels. Pull chairs in a circle and do it anyway.   Episode Takeaways 1. [0:00:26] Expanding the Generosity Series to Time 2. [0:01:49] Training Children to See Needs and Serve 3. [0:05:02] Ministry of Presence in Times of Suffering 4. [0:09:56] Practicing Practical, Specific Help in Crisis 5. [0:17:45] Learning to Receive Help and Let Others Bless You 6. [0:21:47] Cultivating a Generous Tongue and Family Honor Traditions   Resources + Links Book Referenced – Art of Helping by Lauren Whitlow Briggs [https://www.amazon.com/Art-Helping-What-Someone-Hurting/dp/1589191668] https://www.amazon.com/Art-Helping-What-Someone-Hurting/dp/1589191668 [https://www.amazon.com/Art-Helping-What-Someone-Hurting/dp/1589191668]  Let’s Keep The Conversation Going!  * New episodes release every Thursday. Be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis [https://www.instagram.com/therhondaellis]  * Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis [https://www.facebook.com/TheRhondaEllis]  * Visit us at: http://cultivatingahome.com [http://cultivatingahome.com]  Did this episode help you? Share it with a friend who's drowning in clutter or noise — and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It means everything to a new show.