'Tis the season for...spending?

PODCAST EPISODE: The Alabama cousins discuss Heated Rivalry

Alabama cousins Amy and Austin discuss the hit HBO series Heated Rivalry. Why are so many women obsessed with this show? Why were we reluctant to watch? What's love got to do with it?Listen as Amy and Austin explore themes in the series, sex education in Alabama, the significance of Walmart, and more... Content Disclaimer: Sexual content in the series is discussed Get full access to Enough Is the New Abundant at amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe [https://amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

'Tis the season for...spending?

TRANSCRIPT:It’s the most wonderful time of year! We’re smack in the middle of the Holy Trinity of Holidays, and we’re not stressed at all, right? Every family and culture have their own time-honored traditions–those rituals and decorations we bring out of storage once a year to share with our family and friends. Many of these are comforting, familiar, nurturing…like gathering around a table and sharing what we’re thankful for, or driving around with hot chocolate and looking at holiday lights. Some traditions, however, may feel less nurturing and more like obligation. And many of us have the credit card bills to prove it. The stressful and expensive flights to visit family, the long road trips in holiday traffic, the thousands of dollars spent on gifts–how much of this is about joyful giving, and how much is about obligation and expectation? Only you can decide that, of course. All of this is dependent on so many factors–your personal values, your commitments, and societal norms, just to name a few. When it comes to gift giving, I’ll say this…I’ve noticed what happens with my own kid on holidays when she gets a lot of gifts. The way her eyes light up when she walks down the stairs and sees a pile of presents–it’s magical to me, and I feel so much gratitude that I can do more for her than I ever could have imagined as a child. The squeals of excitement over the first gift are pure joy. And the second gift, pretty damn excited there too. Gradually, though, as the gift opening goes on...the excitement and gratitude turn to irritability and impatience. And hey, it’s not her fault. She is grateful, but she’s also overstimulated and overwhelmed. There’s an undercurrent of expectation around how she expresses her gratitude. Something that starts as joyful and exciting can start to feel like a lot of pressure. As I was thinking about this topic, I found a study from The University of Toledo that looked at the influence of the number of toys in the environment on toddlers’ play. Each toddler visited a playroom that had four toys or sixteen toys. When only four toys were present, the toddlers had 50% less toy-play switches, 108% longer play duration per toy, and 63% more varied play styles. Translation: with fewer toys present, the children were less distracted and engaged in more meaningful creative play for a longer amount of time. Turns out, more isn’t always better. There’s an established economic principle that dates back to 18th-century agriculture–the Law of Diminishing Returns. In basic terms, as you continue to add more of something, the additional benefit (or “return”) you get from each new thing eventually begins to decrease. At some point, it could even go negative, and more starts to feel worse. Like cake, for example. That first slice…amazing. It’s so good you decide to eat a second slice. Still good, but not nearly as satisfying as the first one. By the third or fourth, you’re not just less satisfied…you’re starting to feel sick. We’re chasing the feeling we got with the first slice of cake, but we’re never going to get that feeling back. Another example: Once your basic needs are met, more money means less of an increase in your happiness (Kahneman & Deaton, 2010). The biggest bang for your buck, so to speak, is the ability to meet basic needs and a few extras. Beyond that, it starts to make less and less of a difference. We also know that more choices mean more anxiety and regret (Barry Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice). I don’t know about you, but my grocery shopping experience would be much easier if I only had four choices of cereal versus sixty. The toddlers in that study were on to something. Gratitude and joy need room to breathe. Savoring the first slice of cake, the first gift, a moment of genuine connection…that’s where true abundance lives. This holiday season, my intention is to slow down rather than speed up. To simplify what’s usually so distracting and overwhelming. To remember that more doesn’t equal better. In my next letter, I’ll talk about ways to manage stress and simplify during this time. And I’d love it if you’d leave your ideas in the comments. How do you minimize stress during busy times? How have you simplified what often seems so complicated? What boundaries do you have that allow you to enjoy this time of year? Wishing you moments of quiet and peace, Amy Get full access to Enough Is the New Abundant at amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe [https://amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Sound of Silence

On my recent visit to Mepkin Abbey, I realized–in a way I hadn’t the last time I went– there’s no such thing as silence. I call it a “silent retreat” when I go there, but what I mean is I turn off as much noise as I can–I don’t talk, no one talks to me, I don’t listen to music or watch shows. I stay off the internet. I use my phone to check texts from home once or twice a day, and I’ll carry it with me a couple times on the trip to take some pictures. That’s usually the extent of my connection to the outside world. There are layers of sound in the world around us. If you stood on a busy street in New York City, you’d be surrounded by so much noise–car horns, music, the wail of sirens, shouting. But that’s only the first layer. As you start to peel back layers of sound, you start to notice what’s underneath. Perhaps you walk into your apartment, and now the street noises are muffled. As long as you don’t immediately turn on the TV or play music, you might notice the hum of the refrigerator, the popping and cracking of your aging building, the voices in the apartment next door. Leave the city and you might finally notice nature, hear the sound of your own heartbeat, feel your breath entering and leaving your body. For most of us, it’s outside, away from people and computers and phones, where we can experience a level of quiet that resets the nervous system, that allows us to breathe more easily. Since there’s no such thing as true silence, we can look for quieter places that give us greater access to the levels beneath the surface. If we do this long enough, we experience less stress and anxiety, more connection and creativity, moments of profound joy and peace, and lowered blood pressure and heart rate. So why do we so often avoid the quiet? Even on a walk in the woods, most of us have our phones with us. We tell ourselves it’s for safety, yet we check our texts for no reason. We tell ourselves we crave time in nature, yet we listen to a podcast or music while we hike. At Mepkin, I experience a kind of detox. The first day or so, I find myself reaching for my phone automatically, talking out loud to myself in my room, pacing restlessly. I feel lazy, unproductive, jittery. I get that weird skin-crawly feeling. Sometimes I even have these feelings of impending doom, like something terrible is about to happen. I suppose that’s what I’m avoiding, with all that noise and distraction. Gradually I settle in, and I start to relax into the monk’s rhythm. Their days follow the Liturgy of the Hours, so there are set markers of time, these rituals and prayers that give their lives structure, comfort and mindful intent. I find myself measuring the time with church bells and meals (which are eaten in silence). Wake, breakfast, walk, reading and writing, lunch, walk, reading and writing, dinner, walk, reading and writing, shower, sleep. I joke that my love language is never having to decide what or where to eat. At Mepkin, the meals are prepared for visitors by the monks, and the main meal is midday. Mornings and evenings are more simple fare–bread and cheese, salad, soup, boiled eggs, yogurt. The diet is nutritious and mostly vegetarian. I start to enjoy the constant access to my own mind and body, unfiltered and unaffected by the outside world. I get reacquainted with myself. I find myself feeling so small and unimportant, at the same time that I feel deeply loved and valued. It’s a paradox that always shows up for me in the quiet. When I returned home from this visit, I spent some time considering how to bring more of the monastic life into my chaotic, noisy “real” life. It felt impossible in the past, but that was just my black and white thinking. I had made Mepkin the place I go to be alone, be quiet, and feel peace–and my story was that I had to bide my time until I could get back there and experience it again. Why am I so drawn to Mepkin? What are the conditions, the atmosphere, that make it so much easier to access the layers beneath the surface? How can I create moments and an environment in my daily life that allow me access to the Mepkin experience? Here’s what I’ve come to so far: * Ritual (The Liturgy of the Hours)I can create my own rituals to start and end my day. It could be adding reading, or writing, to my morning coffee time. It will probably involve me getting up earlier (sigh). I could find healthy ways to close out the day, let it go and release. * Minimalism (only what is necessary and beautiful)I live with humans who like to accumulate stuff. We will never (sadly) be minimalists. My goal is to find the corners of our home that I can claim for me. I’m also embracing a basket system–having baskets in the rooms so that I can toss clutter in them and at least get it in a pile. Less clutter = more energy. * Simple meals (healthy, delicious and easy)My partner does most of the cooking, for which I’m eternally grateful. However, we get really off track if we don’t check in on Sundays about meals for the week. Really committing to our Sunday family meeting will help so much. * Quiet (most spaces are silent spaces)Get outside and often. Less technology. Ask for more quiet time at home. * Beauty (formal gardens and beautifully manicured grounds)Spend more time in our yard, making it a place I want to be. Seek out beauty, it’s all around. * Structure (The Liturgy of the Hours)Have boundaries around my time. Schedule in workouts and writing time. Let “sameness” in my schedule free up space in my head for more important things. Does any of this resonate with you? Leave a comment below, I’d love to know your thoughts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to organize my pantry… Love and Mepkin vibes, Amy Get full access to Enough Is the New Abundant at amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe [https://amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

10 topics you should NOT take my advice on...

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I Failed Prosperity Class...

TRANSCRIPT Welcome to Enough Is the New Abundant! I'm Amy Worthy, and this is our first newsletter. It's called I Failed Prosperity Class, and here's what I learned. Many years ago, not long after I moved to Asheville, a friend from work invited me to attend a service at her spiritual community. There was no pressure behind it and the principles of the community sounded interesting to me, so I went a few times and then signed up for a class taught by one of the head ministers.  This minister–we’ll call her Cheryl–was one of the most charismatic, engaging and entertaining people I’d ever met. I wanted to sit in her presence and just soak up her energy. She wore these flowy gorgeous robes that trailed behind her as she walked back and forth across the stage, emphatically and confidently reminding us that the life we wanted was right there waiting for us, all we had to do was believe it. And I wanted, so desperately, to believe it because–dear reader–the class I was taking was a prosperity class. [Before I go any further, please know it’s understood that not all (fill in the blank) believe (fill in the blank). Also these are my opinions, not necessarily factual statements. This is the disclaimer I imagine my pretend lawyer would want me to state.]    Christians who subscribe to this philosophy call it “the prosperity gospel,” and the more New Age metaphysical types call it “the law of attraction.” It’s two sides of the same coin, the coin being the belief that you can manifest your own destiny–including material wealth–through the power of positive thinking.  Cheryl told a story in our first class about a student she once had who manifested money literally falling out of the sky and onto her lap. All you had to do, she claimed, was be in right alignment, shift your thoughts and beliefs enough that you attract money to you. Another example from Cheryl–if someone asks you to lunch, don’t say you can’t afford it. If you want to go out to eat, go out to eat! If you believe the money will be there, it’ll be there.  I tried–I really, really tried. I put post-it notes with positive affirmations all over my apartment. I faithfully recited the mantra multiple times a day.  I went out to eat way more than my budget at the time allowed (the most enjoyable part of this experiment).  But try as I might, the more I lived like I had all the money in the world, the less money I actually had. Somehow this abundance thing had backfired on me. Which begs the question…was it abundance mentality or just plain denial? A faithful member of this spiritual community might say I was doing it wrong, that I didn’t truly believe the thoughts I was manifesting. And they might have a point. It was pretty damn hard to look at my bank account and feel abundant. This isn’t meant to disparage a particular set of beliefs or a particular spiritual community–different things work for different people, and there’s no one size fits all approach to living the life you want to live. There are multiple truths. My problem is that many people in these communities do, in fact, believe there’s one right way, and if that way isn’t working for you, you’re just doing it wrong.  There are glaring issues with abundance mentality and the law of attraction, the most obvious one being a problem of privilege. It’s a privilege to believe that whatever you wish for can come true. It would be amazing if that were true, across the board, for any and all people. But that’s a level of denial I just can’t get on board with.  And what happens if you buy into the law of attraction, you do all the “right” things, and it still doesn’t work for you? Perhaps you’re now in a WORSE financial position due to decisions you made, ignoring practical advice and assuming that the money you spend would come back to you ten-fold.  In this case, what happens is shame. A belief that you’re broken, that there’s something wrong–not with the beliefs that aren’t working for you–but with YOU. When I was thinking about writing this letter, I went to the website for the spiritual community I’m referencing and read about their beliefs. And I was reminded of the exact same thing that came up for me years ago, that these beliefs sound a whole lot like a spiritualized version of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT for short).  CBT has been around since the 1960’s and it’s probably the most well-researched and evidence-based therapeutic modality we have. For those who don’t know, CBT teaches you how to address negative thoughts; how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are interconnected; and how the biggest issue we have isn’t in what happens to us and around us, it’s in our interpretation and perception of those things.  Makes sense, right? We have plenty of evidence that says CBT works. So aren’t I contradicting myself? If abundance mentality is problematic, then isn’t CBT as well? Here’s where multiple truths come into play. Our thoughts, feelings and beliefs absolutely shape our reality; however, they do not completely determine our reality. I can manifest and attract money flying at me from the sky every day for a year, and it probably won’t happen (I failed “prosperity class” once, I don’t plan on failing it again).  A more realistic thought, in a more grounded CBT sort of way, would be to focus my thoughts on my abilities and my capacity for change. A thought more in line with reality might be “I have the knowledge and the discipline to manage my finances well. There are multiple ways I can increase my income.” If I can believe that, truly get on board with it and live it out every day, I will likely make more money and manage my finances better. I’ll be shaping my reality through a positive, grounded mindset rather than an unrealistic fantasy.   And so…welcome to Enough Is the New Abundant.  Together we’re going to take what is most helpful from many different systems and perspectives, all with a healthy dose of discernment and humor. We’re going to exit hustle culture and ask ourselves “What is truly enough?”. We’re going to challenge what we’ve always been taught and decide for ourselves what actually works. We’re going to acknowledge that there are many different paths that lead to a life of more freedom, less chaos, and yes–abundance.  I’d love to hear more from you…what are you most interested in diving into? What do you want to know more about? What topics light you up (or tick you off)? Consider me your investigative reporter, your biggest fan and your accountability partner.  I’m ready if you are! –Amy Get full access to Enough Is the New Abundant at amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe [https://amyworthy.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]