025 – Small, Strange, and Sacred Spaces

025 – Small, Strange, and Sacred Spaces

Why some communities become collaborative while others turn territorial, and what that reveals about belonging Some communities feel expansive. People share resources freely, celebrate each other’s wins, and welcome newcomers like there is enough room for everyone. Other spaces feel guarded. Information gets hoarded, collaboration feels performative, and every new voice quietly registers as competition. In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores why that difference is rarely about whether people are “good” or “bad” and almost always about structure. Using examples from fiction writing communities, nonfiction publishing, online business spaces, and personal development ecosystems, Tonya breaks down how scarcity shapes behavior and how communities unintentionally teach people whether to connect or protect themselves. This episode digs into the emotional architecture behind collaboration, competition, trust, and belonging. Why do some spaces naturally create generosity while others create defensiveness? Why do people become territorial when identity, expertise, or authority are tied to success? And what happens when communities reward visibility, curiosity, and shared discovery instead of exclusivity? More than anything, this conversation is an invitation to stop asking whether people are “engaged enough” and start asking what behaviors the space itself rewards. Because communities do not become collaborative by accident. They become collaborative when safety, generosity, and contribution are intentionally reinforced. You’ll hear how: * Fiction communities often feel more collaborative because success is additive, not mutually exclusive * Scarcity changes how people share knowledge, support others, and respond to newcomers * Nonfiction communities become more territorial when trust is tied to the creator instead of the idea * Community structure teaches members how to behave, whether intentionally or not * Psychological safety creates generosity while fear creates defensiveness * Rewarding collaboration publicly changes the emotional temperature of a space * Belonging grows when people stop treating each other like threats * Ambition and collaboration do not have to exist in opposition to each other EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS [01:15] The difference between communities that feel like potlucks versus cage matches [03:40] Why fiction ecosystems naturally encourage collaboration [07:10] How nonfiction spaces tie trust to authority and identity [10:45] Why self-help and business communities often become more territorial [14:20] The role scarcity plays in shaping community behavior [17:05] Why plagiarism fears feel more personal in nonfiction spaces [20:10] How communities teach members what behaviors are rewarded [23:15] The connection between psychological safety and generosity [26:00] Why belonging grows when people stop treating each other like threats [28:05] The question every community leader should ask about their space RESOURCES & MENTIONS * Episode 024 [https://www.tonyakubo.com/024-mystery-writers-and-passionate-readers-with-michelle-chouinard/] – Interview with Michelle Chouinard * Clutter-Free Academy [https://podcast.kathilipp.com/cfa/podcast] by Kathi Lipp * The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up [https://a.co/d/08JYgdVo] by Marie Kondo MEET YOUR HOST Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high. SUPPORT THE SHOW If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!) [https://tonya.link/coffee]. Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people. You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online [https://www.bonfire.com/store/abilities--attitudes/] through Abilities and Attitudes. LET’S STAY FREAKY * Facebook Group [https://tonya.link/group] * LinkedIn [https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo] * Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/] * Podcast Hub [https://findyourfreaks.com/] WHAT’S NEXT Next time, Tonya Kubo sits down with Dr. Catrina Mitchum to explore why accessibility is not just a compliance issue — it’s the foundation of belonging. Together, they unpack what it really means to create online spaces where people can fully participate, connect, and thrive.

024 – Mystery Writers and Passionate Readers with Michelle Chouinard

What happens when the people around you stop feeling like competitors and start feeling like collaborators? There’s a stereotype about writers that most of us recognize immediately: the guarded creative protecting their ideas because success feels limited. And in some spaces, that mindset makes sense. When opportunities feel scarce, people naturally become more protective. But in this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with bestselling thriller author M.M. Chouinard to explore what happens when a community operates differently. In the mystery writing world Michelle inhabits, success often feels additive rather than competitive. Readers recommend authors to each other. Writers cheer each other on. Collaboration becomes part of the culture instead of a threat to it. Together, Tonya and Michelle unpack how the structure of a community shapes the way people connect, share, and belong. Michelle also shares her path from developmental psychology and academia into thriller writing, along with the role fandom, creativity, and online connection have played in her life and career. At its core, this episode asks an important question for community builders: Are people naturally territorial, or are they responding to environments that taught them success is mutually exclusive? IN THIS EPISODE, WE EXPLORE * Why some communities naturally encourage collaboration while others create competition * How scarcity changes the way people connect and share with each other * The unique culture of the mystery writing and reading world * Michelle’s transition from academia and developmental psychology into thriller writing * The role fandom plays in creating belonging and identity * Why readers often become the bridge between creators rather than gatekeepers * How creative communities shape the emotional experience of success * What community leaders can learn from environments where generosity thrives EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS [03:45] Michelle’s journey from psychology professor to bestselling thriller author [09:20] Why mystery readers rarely stop at just one author [15:10] How abundance thinking changes the culture inside creative communities [22:35] The emotional difference between collaborative and competitive spaces [29:40] Why fandom creates connection faster than traditional networking [36:15] The hidden pressures creators feel when success seems limited [42:05] What community builders misunderstand about scarcity and behavior [47:10] Why belonging grows faster in spaces where people openly share opportunities MEET OUR GUEST M.M. Chouinard is an Edgar Award–nominated bestselling author known for weaving psychology, suspense, and human complexity into gripping thrillers. She is the author of The Serial-Killer Guide to San Francisco series, the Detective Jo Fournier thriller series, and the standalone psychological thriller The Vacation. Before becoming a full-time author, Michelle earned a Ph.D. in developmental psychology from Stanford University and served as a founding faculty member at University of California, Merced. When she’s not writing dark and twisty stories, she enjoys caffeine in all forms, amateur genealogy, crafting, baking, and absolutely anything related to Halloween. MEET YOUR HOST Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess. KEY QUOTES * “When success feels limited, people protect themselves. When success feels expansive, people start pulling others in.” * “Readers don’t usually want one good book. They want a whole shelf full of authors they can trust.” * “Community changes when people stop seeing each other as obstacles and start seeing each other as possibilities.” * “Scarcity doesn’t just shape money. It shapes behavior, trust, and belonging.” RESOURCES & MENTIONS * M.M. Chouinard Official Website [https://www.mmchouinard.com/?utm_source=chatgpt.com] * The Serial-Killer Guide to San Francisco Series [https://www.mmchouinard.com/serial-killer-series] * Detective Jo Fournier Series [https://www.mmchouinard.com/detective-jo] * The Vacation [https://www.mmchouinard.com/standalones] * Edgar Awards [https://edgarawards.com/?utm_source=chatgpt.com] SUPPORT THE SHOW If Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people. Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes [https://www.bonfire.com/store/abilities--attitudes/]. LET’S STAY FREAKY * Facebook Group [https://tonya.link/group] * LinkedIn [https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo] * Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/] * Podcast Hub [https://findyourfreaks.com/] WHAT’S NEXT In the next episode, Tonya explores why some communities naturally foster collaboration while others create competition and territorial behavior. Drawing from this conversation with Michelle, she unpacks how scarcity shapes the way people connect, share opportunities, and decide whether it feels safe to truly belong.

023 – When the Mask Comes Off

Why people don’t stop hiding because they want to, but because it finally feels safe to be seen. Most communities don’t fail because people stop caring. They fail because too much care is required from too few people. In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores what actually makes a community sustainable and why the traditional, leader-centered model quietly sets communities up to collapse. What looks like strong leadership often creates hidden fragility, where everything depends on one person showing up, holding it together, and carrying the weight. Drawing on Stacey’s real-world example from a military spouse community, Tonya breaks down what happens when belonging is built into the structure instead of assigned as a responsibility. Instead of hosting and managing every event, Stacey’s model distributes ownership, allowing members to create, lead, and sustain connection themselves. Tonya also challenges one of the most common assumptions in community-building: that disengagement is caused by apathy. In reality, it is often the opposite. People care, but when the burden is too high or the ownership is not shared, they step back instead of stepping in. If your community feels dependent on you, or if you have ever wondered whether what you are building could last without you, this episode offers a powerful reframe of what it takes to create something that actually endures. You’ll hear how: * Communities don’t fail from apathy, but from uneven distribution of labor * Burnout in leadership is often a design flaw, not a personal failure * Self-sustaining communities differ from self-running ones * Stacey’s model distributes ownership without losing structure * Communities built around personality are inherently fragile * Purpose-driven communities create continuity beyond the founder * Delegating tasks is not the same as transferring ownership * Shared responsibility creates stronger, more resilient belonging EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS [01:40] The realization that Tonya had been wearing a mask without noticing [03:50] Why we hold back when something doesn’t feel “worth the effort” [06:30] The difference between fitting in and actually being seen [08:45] The shift that happened after discovering Ellie Trier’s work [11:10] The story of a friend whose honesty revealed something deeper [13:50] What happens when someone doesn’t try to fix or reframe your truth [16:20] Why you can’t force someone to remove their mask [18:30] How safety changes the cost of being honest [20:40] What it looks like to model real acceptance [22:10] The invitation to show up fully so others can do the same RESOURCES & MENTIONS * Episode 022 [https://www.tonyakubo.com/022-neurospicy-and-never-alone-with-eli-trier/] – Neurospicy and Never Alone with Eli Trier * Zuzu’s House of Cats [https://zuzushausofcats.com/] MEET YOUR HOST Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high. SUPPORT THE SHOW If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!) [https://tonya.link/coffee]. Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people. You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online [https://www.bonfire.com/store/abilities--attitudes/] through Abilities and Attitudes. LET’S STAY FREAKY * Facebook Group [https://tonya.link/group] * LinkedIn [https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo] * Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/] * Podcast Hub [https://findyourfreaks.com/] WHAT’S NEXT We love to talk about community. How to build it, grow it, sustain it. But next time, we’re going somewhere a little unexpected. Tonya sits down with bestselling mystery author Michelle Chouinard to explore the minds of people who obsess over red herrings, stay up all night chasing clues, and cannot rest until they solve the puzzle. But this conversation is not just about mystery writing. It is about curiosity, connection, and the way stories bring people together.

022 – Neurospicy and Never Alone with Eli Trier

What if the thing that makes you feel like an outsider is actually the key to real belonging? We spend a lot of time talking about how to build community — how to grow it, structure it, and sustain it. But we don’t talk nearly enough about what it feels like to be the person on the outside of it. The one who doesn’t quite fit, who feels like “too much,” or who has learned to edit themselves just to stay in the room. In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with Eli Trier — artist, writer, and self-described “dopamine dealer” — to explore what it means to live as an outsider and how that experience can become the foundation for something powerful. As a neuroqueer, AuDHD creator, Eli doesn’t just make art. She creates spaces where people who have always felt different finally feel seen and understood. Eli shares how years of feeling “too much” shaped her work and her perspective on belonging. Instead of trying to fit into spaces that never quite worked, she began building her own — spaces where otherness isn’t something to hide, but something to celebrate. Together, they challenge a common assumption about community: that belonging comes from fitting in. Because in the end, real belonging isn’t about being tolerated. It’s about being recognized. IN THIS EPISODE, WE EXPLORE * What it actually feels like to move through the world as an outsider * The hidden cost of trying to “pass” as normal * Why being “too much” is often a context problem, not a personal flaw * How Eli uses art to create emotional refuge and recognition * The difference between being included and truly belonging * What community builders get wrong about inclusion * How showing up fully creates permission for others to do the same EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS [03:15] Why Eli’s “freaks” are the weird, creative, non-traditional souls [09:40] What it means to be neuroqueer and AuDHD in a world built for sameness [17:20] The experience of being “too much” and learning to self-edit [26:10] Why fitting in can feel safer… but costs more than we think [34:45] How Eli’s art creates a sense of recognition and belonging [42:30] The difference between inclusion and true belonging [51:00] Why community builders need to rethink what “safe space” actually means [1:02:15] The power of showing up fully and going first MEET OUR GUEST Elinor Trier is a neuroqueer AuDHD artist, writer, podcaster, YouTuber, dopamine dealer, and founder of Elinor Trier Studio and Zuzu’s Haus of Cats, where she creates artwork that celebrates “otherness,” reminding you that you’re not the “odd one out,” you’re “one of a kind.” Her work lives in private collections worldwide and has been featured in multiple media outlets, including the Nautilus Silver Award-winning book Creatrix: She Who Makes. She reads ten books a week, snorts when she laughs, and might actually be a pile of cats in a sparkly trench coat. MEET YOUR HOST Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess. KEY QUOTES * “You’re not the odd one out. You’re one of a kind.” — Eli Trier * “Being ‘too much’ usually just means you’re in the wrong room.” — Eli Trier * “Belonging isn’t about being tolerated. It’s about being recognized.” — Eli Trier * “The goal isn’t to become more palatable. It’s to find the places where you already make sense.” — Eli Trier RESOURCES & MENTIONS * Elinor Trier Studio [https://elinortrierstudio.com/] * Zuzu’s Haus of Cats [https://zuzushausofcats.com/] * Creatrix: She Who Makes [https://womancraftpublishing.com/product/creatrix/?utm_source=chatgpt.com] SUPPORT THE SHOW If Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people. Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes [https://www.bonfire.com/store/abilities--attitudes/]. LET’S STAY FREAKY * Facebook Group [https://tonya.link/group] * LinkedIn [https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo] * Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/] * Podcast Hub [https://findyourfreaks.com/] WHAT’S NEXT The spaces that feel safest aren’t the ones where everyone fits in. In the next episode, Tonya explores what it really means to go first, why being the “freakiest” one in the room sets the tone for everyone else, and how showing up fully creates the kind of permission real belonging is built on.

021 – The Community That Runs Without You

Why the strongest communities aren’t built around leadership but around shared ownership Most communities don’t fail because people stop caring. They fail because too much care is required from too few people. In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores what actually makes a community sustainable and why the traditional, leader-centered model quietly sets communities up to collapse. What looks like strong leadership often creates hidden fragility, where everything depends on one person showing up, holding it together, and carrying the weight. Drawing on Stacey’s real-world example from a military spouse community, Tonya breaks down what happens when belonging is built into the structure instead of assigned as a responsibility. Instead of hosting and managing every event, Stacey’s model distributes ownership, allowing members to create, lead, and sustain connection themselves. Tonya also challenges one of the most common assumptions in community-building: that disengagement is caused by apathy. In reality, it is often the opposite. People care, but when the burden is too high or the ownership is not shared, they step back instead of stepping in. If your community feels dependent on you, or if you have ever wondered whether what you are building could last without you, this episode offers a powerful reframe of what it takes to create something that actually endures. You’ll hear how: * Communities don’t fail from apathy, but from uneven distribution of labor * Burnout in leadership is often a design flaw, not a personal failure * Self-sustaining communities differ from self-running ones * Stacey’s model distributes ownership without losing structure * Communities built around personality are inherently fragile * Purpose-driven communities create continuity beyond the founder * Delegating tasks is not the same as transferring ownership * Shared responsibility creates stronger, more resilient belonging EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS [02:00] The question that reveals whether your community is built to last [06:30] Why communities don’t actually fail from apathy [12:15] How Stacey’s model distributes ownership from the start [18:40] What happens when everything depends on one leader [25:10] The difference between self-sustaining and self-running communities [31:45] Why personality-driven communities are fragile [38:20] How purpose creates continuity beyond the founder [45:00] Delegation vs. true ownership and why it matters [51:30] One simple shift to start redistributing responsibility [57:00] The question every community leader needs to answer RESOURCES & MENTIONS * Episode 020 [https://www.tonyakubo.com/020-the-courage-to-go-first-with-stacey-morgan/] – Interview with Stacey Morgan * Margaret Marcuson, Sustainable Ministry [https://www.margaretmarcuson.com/] * The Secret to Thriving Online Communities [https://www.facebook.com/groups/STTOC/] (Facebook Group) * Clutter-Free Academy [https://kathilipp.com/clutter-free-academy] by Kathi Lipp MEET YOUR HOST Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high. SUPPORT THE SHOW If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!) [https://tonya.link/coffee]. Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people. You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online [https://www.bonfire.com/store/abilities--attitudes/] through Abilities and Attitudes. LET’S STAY FREAKY * Facebook Group [https://tonya.link/group] * LinkedIn [https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo] * Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/] * Podcast Hub [https://findyourfreaks.com/] WHAT’S NEXT Tonya sits down with Eli Trier, an artist, writer, podcaster, and self-described dopamine dealer whose work is a love letter to weirdos and misfits. As a neuroqueer, AuDHD creator, Eli shares what it means to build spaces where being different is not just accepted, but celebrated—and why belonging starts with making room for the outsider.