I Tried Everything And It Was Never Enough | Mismatched Libidos

I Tried Everything And It Was Never Enough | Mismatched Libidos

A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying. She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears. After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back? In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here. We explore: * Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is important * How sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freely * What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other person * The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroom * What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner * The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex" Timestamps: 01:46 – The Listener's Question 02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense) 04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question 05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure 06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means 07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal 10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection 13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner 14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist 17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again? 18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding 22:58 – Summary & Takeaways 26:09 – Outro & Working with me Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

The Hidden Reason You’re Struggling to Orgasm With Your Partner

Difficulty orgasming isn’t always about you. At least, not in the way you might think. In this minisode of In Bed with Science, I’m talking about one of the less discussed reasons orgasm can become harder with a partner: when your orgasm starts to feel like proof that they’re good at sex. Orgasms aren’t gifts. And when your partner’s care, effort or disappointment becomes part of the experience, pleasure can quickly turn into pressure. In this episode, we explore: * Why “giving” someone an orgasm can be an unhelpful way to think about sex * How a partner’s investment in your orgasm can make it harder to relax * Why pressure and self-monitoring can get in the way of pleasure * What to do when orgasm has become the goal of sex Your orgasm isn’t a performance review of your partner’s skills. And it isn’t the only proof that sex was good. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

AI Vs. Therapy for Low Libido: I Put It To The Test

AI is being turned to as a replacement for therapy. As a sex therapist who specialises in low libido, I wanted to know - can it actually help with something as nuanced as low sex drive in a marriage? So I put it to the test. I pretended to be a typical client of mine - a woman in a long-term relationship, struggling with low desire and shame around her turn-ons - and turned to both a trained mental health bot and ChatGPT to see what they got right, what they got wrong, and what most people would never notice was missing. We look at what the research says about AI's accuracy in sexual & mental health, why feeling understood isn't necessarily the same as actually being understood, and where AI genuinely helps versus where it might make things like low libido and relationship issues worse. In this episode, we explore: * What the research reveals about how AI chatbots actually perform on sexual health and therapy scenarios * The results of my own experiment pretending to be a client struggling with low sex drive and shame around what turns her on * How AI tends to over-validate, skip the questions a sex therapist would ask, and offer solutions before it knows you * How AI can sneakily reinforce the very patterns that create low desire and sexual problems in marriage in the first place * When AI is a useful thought partner for relationship and sex issues, and when it falls short of what real therapy does 02:44 - My Bias as a Therapist (Let's Be Honest) 06:13 - What the Research Says: AI Chatbot Studies 08:20 - The Experiment: Testing an AI Therapy Bot 11:46 - Test 1 – The Mental Health Bot 13:24 - Test 2 – ChatGPT 20:04 - What ChatGPT Got Wrong 22:03 - Why AI Can't Replace the Therapeutic Relationship 25:54 - AI vs. Self-Help Books: Is It the Same? 31:24 - Final Takeaway: When AI Helps & When It Falls Short Today's studies: Evaluation of Artificial Intelligence Chatbots for Providing Sexual Health Information: A Consensus Study Using Real-World Clinical Queries [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40375254/] Published in BMC Public Health in 2025. A Comparison of Responses from Human Therapists and LLM-Based Chatbots [https://mental.jmir.org/2025/1/e69709] Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025. The Ability of AI Therapy Bots to Set Limits With Distressed Adolescents [https://mental.jmir.org/2025/1/e78414] Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

‘Men Will Have Sex With Anything’? A Sex Therapist Breaks Down the Harmful Myth

We've all heard it before: "Men always want sex". They’re simple and always raring to go. As a sex therapist specialising in low libido and mismatched desire, I know the toll these kinds of myths can take on the individual and the relationship at large. In this minisode, I break down one of the most common myths about male sexuality — and how it contributes to low desire, performance pressure, and shame. Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]

Low Sex Drive in Women & Mindfulness, with Dr. Lori Brotto

Low desire in women is often treated as a hormonal problem or a relationship one. But what if the problem isn’t low libido persay, but rather a lost connection to your body? In this episode, I talk to psychologist and leading sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto about the science of mindfulness and why it’s become one of the most effective psychological treatments for low desire and arousal in women. We discuss how mindfulness improves sexual wellbeing, why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always match, and why pills designed to “fix” low desire often fall short. We explore: * What mindfulness actually is — and why it’s often misunderstood * Why improving body awareness (interoception) can influence desire * The research behind mindfulness-based sex therapy * Why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always align * The limits of medications designed to treat low desire * The role of shame and self-criticism in sexual difficulties * Why relationship therapy alone often doesn’t resolve sexual problems * Where to start if you’re curious about using mindfulness to reconnect with desire 02:31 - How Dr. Lori Brotto Got Into Sex Research 05:29 - What Is Mindfulness, Really? 14:34 - How Mindfulness Works for Low Desire 18:11 - Arousal Non-Concordance (& Why It Matters?) 21:49 - The Problem with Pharmaceutical Solutions 24:59 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire 29:22 - Why Relationship Therapy Alone Often Isn't Enough 30:46 - The Mirror Exercise & Confronting Shame 33:18 - How Often Should You Practice Mindfulness? 37:06 - Mindfulness for Neurodivergent People 40:49 - What If You Hate Mindfulness? 42:28 - The Hope Effect & Reducing Distress 43:34 - Mindfulness Research On Men 46:26 - The Importance of Women's Sexual Health Research 48:57 - Closing Thoughts: Interoception, Self-Compassion & Why Sexual Health Matters Papers mentioned in this episode:  * Effects of Group Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy versus Supportive Sex Education on Sexual Concordance and Sexual Response Among Women with Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2024.2319695] * Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women With Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26919839/] * Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24814472/] * Homework adherence in mindfulness-based cognitive interventions for female sexual dysfunction: a scoping review [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/384040343_Homework_adherence_in_mindfulness-based_cognitive_interventions_for_female_sexual_dysfunction_a_scoping_review] Interested in my services? Check them out here [https://leighnoren.com/all-services] Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here [https://leighnoren.com/apply]. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link [https://airtable.com/apploL0ElRa01lJAk/pagT9VXL3OG25BwvA/form]