THE TRIBE OF AFTER

APPENDIX

APPENDIX How to Help a Grieving Friend My essay on how to help a grieving friend is among the top three most shared posts I’ve ever written. A lot of what I’ve mentioned in part 3 is summarized in this essay, so I’ve reprinted it here. To give it to friends and family who want to help, you’ll find a printable copy at refugeingrief.com/help- grieving-friend.

LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS

LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS How do we end a book on loss if we don’t lean back on the expected happy ending? If we don’t search for a tacked-on transformation, or a promise that everything will work out in the end? I end this book with love because love is all we’ve got. It’s neither up-note nor doom. It simply is. We grieve because we love. Grief is part of love. There was love in this world before your loss, there is love surrounding you now, and love will remain beside you, through all the life that is yet to come. The forms will change, but love itself will never leave. It’s not enough. And it’s everything.

THE TRIBE OF AFTER

PART IV THE WAY FORWARD 15 THE TRIBE OF AFTER Companionship, True Hope, and the Way Forward Companionship, reflection, and connection are vital parts of surviving grief. As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, attachment is survival. We need each other.

RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM Helping Them Help You Our friends, our families, our therapists, our books, our cultural responses—they’re all most useful, most loving and kind, when they help those in grief to carry their pain, and least helpful when they try to fix what isn’t broken. Most people want to help; they just don’t know how. There’s such a huge gap between what people want for us, and what they actually provide with their support. It’s no one’s fault, really. The only way to close that gap is to let people know what works, what doesn’t, and how we can all improve our skills in caring for each other.

SHOULD YOU EDUCATE OR IGNORE THEM?

PART III WHEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO 13 SHOULD YOU EDUCATE OR IGNORE THEM? If you’re like most grieving people, the response from people around you has been clumsy at best, and insulting, dismissive, and rude at worst. We talked about the deep roots of pain avoidance and the culture of blame in earlier parts of this book. It’s also important to bring it all back to your personal life, to help you understand—and correct—the unhelpful support of the people around you.