Pervasive and Pernicious Shame

An Invitation to LDS Men

Show: Man Talk for Latter-day Saints Guests: Bob Smith, Dan Chambers, Matthew Allred Topics discussed: - Why men often fail to connect with others - The role of perfectionism, people-pleasing and shame in preventing authentic connection - How childhood experiences like trauma can lead to beliefs that hinder vulnerability - The journey of self-discovery, including facing weaknesses and embracing vulnerability - How choosing vulnerability through counseling/coaching can liberate agency and open new choices - An invitation for men to do inner work, lean on others, and wake up to living fully alive

Can You Identify With Your Eternal Identity?

As a man, your identity is eternal; you lived before you were on earth as a spirit son of God. However, living in mortality, we have lost touch with our Eternal identity, but we can find it. As you come to see awaken to your eternal identity, you unleash the amazing person you and the gifts God has given you to bring into the world. Key Points: • Identity is a journey that men struggle with. Many men feel the need to hide their true selves and put on an act to be loved. • Seeking help from others, whether through counseling, coaching, or other men, is crucial for men to discover their true identity. • Letting go of the need to be perfect and control the process allows men to receive help and guidance from others. • Practicing receiving from Christ, such as through meditation or nature, can help men learn to receive in other relationships. • Men often go into "protective, procrastination, and performance" modes when they are not comfortable with their identity. • Having an internal compass of who you are and what you believe helps men remain grounded and centered when facing challenges. Action Items: • Don't hesitate to seek help from others on your identity journey. Even small shifts can make a big difference. • Pay attention to moments when you feel good. These reveal parts of your identity that want to be known. • Lean into your fears. They often point to where you need to grow.

Pervasive and Pernicious Shame

MAN TALK FOR LATTER DAY SAINTS, Episode 3 Episode Topic: Pervasive and Pernicious Shame Key Points Discussed: * Shame was the first message the adversary taught Adam and Eve after they partook of the forbidden fruit - to hide because they were no longer worthy of God's presence. * Shame makes us want to hide our true selves and intent. The subconscious message can be "if others know the real you, they will not accept you." * Many unconsciously use shame to control behavior, especially as parents or teachers. * According to David Hawkins, shame is the emotion closest to death in terms of vibration/energy. * Shame focuses on self ("I am bad"), while guilt focuses on behavior ("I did something bad"). * Shame festers in secrecy and darkness. Bringing it into the light is key for healing. * Many men hide shame under a cloak of perfectionism or busyness with callings and church service. But still feel hollow inside. * Creating safe spaces for men to be vulnerable and share their stories helps combat shame. * Willingness to feel all emotions, good and bad, is important. Denying "bad" ones suppresses our capacity for joy too. * Learn to receive and "ride the wave" of emotion rather than resist. Breathe into the feeling. * Develop your relationship with Christ. Come to know Him more through life's bitter and sweet. * Remember, Christ felt the weight of the world. There's a gift in staying present with discomfort. * You are enough. Thoughts of deficiency are lies. Come into the light. Key Quotes: * "Shame can only exist in the dark." (Brene Brown) * "Willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [you]." (Mosiah 3:19) * "I am willing." (On developing willingness) * "What we resist, persists." (On trying to suppress emotion) * "There's a gift with every emotion." Actionable Steps: * Examine your life for patterns of perfectionism or hiding - are these covers for shame? * Open up in small steps to trusted friends/mentors about your real feelings and story. * Make time to feel and process emotions fully, without judgment. Breathe into discomfort. * Do a daily gratitude practice to shift energy/perspective. * Develop real relationships with yourself, Christ and God. Fill your life with meaningful connection.

The Fall of Man

In this episode, Matt, Bob and Dan discuss the Fall of Man. Although the "Fall" is often considered in a negative light, it is the path forward. To fall is to learn, grow and be humbled in a way that we can grow and develop. It is only in seeing our weakness and brokenness that we become conscious, wake up, find God and be healed.