Before Knowing

When Planning Meets Uncertainty

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ [https://www.patreon.com/c/rjhogue] I’ve learned that statistics only mean something before you get a diagnosis. They provide hope (e.g. 80% of breast cancers are HER2 negative), but they mean nothing once you receive the diagnosis. It is no longer relevant what the statistics are, like 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime or that a certain percentage of breast cancers are hormone positive. Both cancers are positive.  Statistics only matter for the unknown future, not the known present. I'm scared. I've gone through many scares over the last 8 and a half years. That is how long it has been since the last of the known cancer was removed from my body. That is how long I've been in remission. I have a mantra for when I'm scared - In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy. Except this scare is different. This scar involved suspicious lymph nodes and an ultrasound guided biopsy.

Waiting to prepare

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ [https://www.patreon.com/c/rjhogue] For the future, I’m wondering how much I should prepare so that I can pick up where I left off?  Should I set up something that just keeps going while I’m away?  And what do I just let go?  When I first heard that I had cancer, I had friends that I reach out to. These friends put me in touch with other friends – all helping to form a network of support. In times of crisis, we discover the true power of being part of networked communities. Time is my biggest challenge right now. Things are moving so very quickly as I manage many different appointments, phone calls, blog posts, notifications, and minutiae.

Before Knowing

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ [https://www.patreon.com/c/rjhogue] I can logically think about what I want, and how this might play out, but I cannot emotionally prepare. I have no idea where to begin with the emotional side of this decision. How does one prepare to lose a body part? As Scott and I walk around Sausalito, I find myself looking at other women’s breasts. I never really noticed other women’s breasts before, but now I am drawn to them and keep looking.  I’m not even sure what I’m thinking when I’m looking. I laugh, then swallow tears. Prosthetics or not, I am window shopping.

What should I hope for?

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ [https://www.patreon.com/c/rjhogue] I struggle with my identity.  Who am I now?  Who do I want to be? While I await the biopsy and other test results, I find myself uncertain and wondering – what should I be hoping for? If you are going to have breast cancer, the next question is, what kind of breast cancer?

It's probably nothing, but ...

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ [https://www.patreon.com/c/rjhogue] After a long bike ride, celebrating the unpacking of the very last box, I step into the shower in my new home in Santa Clara, California. After a year of back-and-forth, I’m finally living with my husband again. It’s been a long year, and I’m so happy to be home. And then I feel it — a hard spot on my left pec. It must be a muscle strain… only it doesn’t hurt, which is odd. Each day after my shower, I check again.  Still there. On June 9, 2014, I walk into my doctor’s office saying, “It’s probably nothing, but…”