3. Looking for ways forward

Extra Refresh: list of key takeaways

This episode is extra and contains the key takeaways from the three One on One podcasts. You can listen to this right before you dive into the conversation as a refresher.

3. Looking for ways forward

In this third and last episode, we focus on how to use curiosity and open-ended questions to support the teller to find a way forward to move through their distress and stuckness towards making changes for themselves. We will also learn to recognise when professional help may be needed, and how to end the conversation in a safe and supportive manner. The key takeaways are: * Only after listening to the entire story and gaining a thorough understanding we can look for ways forward. * As listener you can ask questions so that the teller can come up with solutions. Questions are: "What have you already considered? Is there something that could be easily changed?" * Some difficulties may require expert help. Phrases that can help: "I want to help you to deal with this. Shall we look for someone who can give us expert advice?" * Close the conversation and offer a way to pick up the conversation again. Phrases that can help: "It is time to finish soon but we can come back to this. Would it be alright to leave this for now?" * A ritual can be created where the activity acts as a trigger for a One on One.  The key questions to reflect upon are: * Imagine how you would feel if you told about a dilemma you struggle with and after listening, somebody gives you a fitting solution. This is the end of the three basic courses. You learned all the essential steps to have a tender conversation.

2. Getting alongside someone in distress

In this second episode, we discuss how to get alongside someone in distress and avoid trying to fix the challenge or issue. We learn how to stay curious, show that we are listening and learn to ask question to understand the other's perspective. By learning how to listen, the other can feel heard, accepted and valued.  The key takeaways are: * Reassuring, finding quick solutions or distractions are not helping the person in distress. They tell that their emotions are not welcome here and need to be fixed. * Listen to understand not to reply. Don't focus on formulating consoling things to say but on what the other is telling you.  * Remain curious and ask open-ended questions to understand the teller’s perspective. Questions like: “How do you feel about that? Can you tell me more about …? I’d like to hear more about…? How, what, when, where?” * Don’t be afraid of silences. Use phrases like: "Take your time. This is hard. I am sorry this is so sad for you. I am here"  * Check your understanding through questions and summaries; Can I check, do you mean ... ? What you have told me so far is ..., have i got that right? The key questions to reflect upon are: * Think about a situation where you were searching for ways to fix someone else's issue? How did this make you feel? How did this solution providing and searching for reassurance make the other feel?  Now that we examined the current situation and both have a clear of the understanding we can search for ways how to move forward through distress in the next episode.

1. Setting the scene and opening the conversation

In this first episode, we set the scene and explain the desired attitude with which we are heading into our first One on One conversation. Several approaches are discussed and we reflect on our past experiences. We explore how we can open the conversation as listeners once the conversation takes place.  The key takeaways are: * Talking about the subject is not what is causing the distress, it can offer a way out. * Invite to a conversation, don’t insist. * Telling our story helps to gain a better understanding and acts as a coping mechanism. * The listener opens the conversation. Questions to use: ‘Where would you like to start?’ * It will never feel easy to discuss important topics and it is normal to feel anxious and frightened to start. * Mistakes are allowed since we know both participants come from a good intention. The key questions to reflect upon are:  * Think about a situation in which you were trapped in this push and pull between acting and vulnerability. * Imagine you are expressing something that is dear to you. What would you like the other to do? * When is the last time you felt really listened to? In the next episode you will learn how to get alongside someone in distress.