When Your Performed Self Becomes Your Default Mode

The Version of Me I Performed So Long She Felt Real

What happens when the performed version of you stops feeling like a performance? For high-capacity Black women, identity substitution doesn't just change how you show up — it rewires what safety feels like. In this episode, Shae unpacks the difference between suppression and substitution, why showing up authentically in a high-stakes space can feel like danger even when nothing went wrong, and what the installed self is actually fighting for when she comes back swinging. Drawing from her 17-year autoethnographic research and the foundational work of Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, Patricia Hill Collins, and Zora Neale Hurston, this episode names the mechanism behind the exhaustion of performing yourself out of existence. If you've ever walked away from a moment where you showed up as yourself and immediately questioned everything — this episode is for you. Use The SORT Method™ to sort through the panic and reclaim the truth on the other side. Research references: Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé (Superwoman Schema), Patricia Hill Collins (politics of respectability), Zora Neale Hurston (interior life of Black women) #high capacity Black women #identity substitution #Superwoman Schema #Black women mental health #performing palatability #code switching identity #native self installed self #Black women exhaustion #authentic identity #too much for the room #ESSENTFLOW #Black women podcast #identity incongruence #Black women leadership #self reclamation

The War Within | ESSENTFLOW™ by Shae

The War Within | S2 Ep 9 | ESSENTFLOW™ by Shae: Too Much for the Room Have you ever sat down to do something — record, speak, show up — and felt two completely different people fighting for control? That's not anxiety. That's not imposter syndrome. That's the war between your native self and your installed self playing out in real time. In this episode we go deep into what that war actually is, why it's happening, and why it's costing you more than you realize. We cover: - The difference between suppression and substitution - Where the switching shows up daily with friends, coworkers, and family - The identity tax you're paying every single day - Why the war gets louder before it gets quieter - THE SORT Method™. as your way through --- RESOURCES: → Take the Capacity Mirror Assessment: https://essentflowbyshae.com/assessment → Subscribe to the newsletter: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/2047476/177076168509359310/share → Website: https://essentflowbyshae.com → Published Research: 10.5281/ZENODO.19637366 10.5281/ZENODO.20019870 ABOUT THIS RESEARCH: ESSENTFLOW™ by Shae is rooted in 17 years of autoethnographic longitudinal research on identity incongruence in high-capacity Black women. Shae Thomas | Capacity Strategist | Human Development Researcher #TooMuchForTheRoom #ESSENTFLOW #NativeSelf #InstalledSelf #BlackWomen #IdentityIncongruence #HighCapacityWomen #TheWarWithin #BlackWomenMentalHealth

When Your Performed Self Becomes Your Default Mode

In this episode of ESSENTFLOW™ by Shae: Too Much for the Room, I'm breaking down what happens when the version of you that follows the rules, shows up right, and does everything the "correct" way becomes so automatic that you forget there was ever another version. This isn't about working too hard. This isn't about saying yes too much. This is about identity substitution — when you replace who you actually are with what's required to survive in spaces that weren't built for you. In this episode, you'll learn: * The difference between suppression and substitution (and why substitution carries a heavier depressive load) * How to recognize when your performed self has become your default mode * My personal story: La Shae vs Shae (how I split myself into two identities without knowing it) * THE SORT — a 4-step discernment practice to start seeing which version of you is actually driving * The real cost of operating from the installed self (capacity depletion, decision paralysis, chronic misalignment) Research mentioned:Abrams et al. (2019) — Self-silencing vs. externalized self-perceptions in Black women ESSENTFLOW™ is a human development methodology built from 17 years of autoethnographic research on identity incongruence in high-capacity Black women. This work helps you stop performing capacity and start expressing it. You were never too much. The room was just too small. CONNECT WITH ME:📩 Newsletter: "Too Much for the Room [https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/2047476/177076168509359310/share]"🌐 Website: essentflowbyshae.com [https://essentflowbyshae.com]💼 LinkedIn: Shae Thomas [https://www.linkedin.com/in/lashaethomas7/] ABOUT SHAE:Shae Thomas is a Capacity Strategist, Human Development Researcher, and Founder of ESSENTFLOW™. She holds a BA in Psychology (concentration Counseling Social Work, minor Behavioral Health Services) and a MS in Leadership (concentration Community Leadership), with 17 years of longitudinal autoethnographic research on identity incongruence in high-capacity Black women.

I've Been Code-Switching in My Own Business | ESSENTFLOW™

For 17 years, I've been documenting patterns of burnout, identity incongruence, and sustained performance. But for the last 9 months — since I started building ESSENTFLOW™ publicly — I've been doing something I didn't even realize: code-switching in my own work. I was saying "high-capacity people" when the research I was doing, the experience I was living, the patterns I was documenting — all of it was specifically about high-capacity Black women. In this episode, I share what happened when I finally let myself look at the research. What I discovered about Dr. Carey Yazeed, Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, Dr. Thema Bryant, and other Black women researchers who've been naming these patterns for years. And why I was so scared to say out loud who this work is actually for. This is the transition episode. The one where I stop translating myself and start speaking directly to the Black women this work was always meant to serve. In This Episode, We Talk About: * Why I started building ESSENTFLOW™ for "all women" instead of naming my specific audience * The research that changed everything: Dr. Carey Yazeed's study as the catalyst * The Superwoman Schema (Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé): 5 beliefs many Black women carry * Code-switching statistics: 61% of Black employees compromise authenticity at work, 34% actively code-switch * Why code-switching doesn't stay at work — it follows you home into every domain * The difference between survival and thriving * What "native self vs. installed self" actually means in the context of identity reclamation * Why my lived experience as a Black woman is my credential, not a limitation * What this means for ESSENTFLOW™ going forward Key Research Findings Referenced: The Superwoman Schema (Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, UNC Chapel Hill)Five core beliefs many Black women carry: 1. Expectation to show strength at all times 2. Suppression of emotions 3. Resistance to being vulnerable or depending on others 4. Determination to succeed despite limited resources 5. Helping others even at your own expense Code-Switching Statistics: * 61% of Black employees report compromising authenticity to fit dominant workplace standards (Harvard Business Review) * 34% of Black employees actively code-switch at work — significantly higher than 20% average (McCluney et al., 2019) Identity Incongruence:Sustained misalignment between who you are and who you perform to be — not for a day or a project, but chronically across multiple domains (work, relationships, family, faith, creative expression) Connect With Shae: 🌐 Website: essentflowbyshae.com [https://essentflowbyshae.com]📧 Newsletter: Too Much for the Room [https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/2047476/177076168509359310/share]📺 YouTube: Too Much for the Room series + The Gentle Fix [https://www.youtube.com/@ESSENTFLOWbyShae] 🤝🏾 LinkedIn: Shae Thomas [https://www.linkedin.com/in/lashaethomas7/]📅 Coming August 2026: The ESSENTFLOW™ Xperience

Why Claiming Your Milestones Feels Like Arrogance (And How to Stop Shrinking)

"I'm just working on a little thing." You've done the work. Built the framework. Created the products. But when someone asks what you do, you shrink. This episode breaks down why high-capacity people minimize their milestones, the real cost of staying small, and the distinction that changes everything: arrogance vs authority. Learn the 5-step practice to stop minimizing and start claiming what you've actually done. What You'll Learn: * What minimizing your milestones actually looks like (and why you do it) * Why high-capacity people were taught to stay small * The Self-Authorization Gap: the distance between what you've proven and what you're allowed to claim * The real cost of minimizing (your work stays hidden, you reinforce smallness, you attract the wrong people) * The distinction: arrogance vs authority * The 5-step practice to stop shrinking and start claiming * Finding #4: The Self-Authorization Gap * ESSENCE phase: identity excavation and claiming your authority * Arrogance vs Authority: "Arrogance is claiming what you haven't done. Authority is claiming what you have." 1. Write down what you've actually done (the real version, not the minimized one) 2. Practice saying it out loud (alone first) 3. Start claiming in low-risk spaces (bio, about page, newsletter) 4. Notice when you want to minimize — and choose not to 5. Let other people be uncomfortable (their discomfort is not your responsibility) Links: ESSENTFLOW™ Website https://essentflowbyshae.com [https://essentflowbyshae.com] Newsletter: The Capacity Strategist [https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/2047476/177076168509359310/share] ESSENTFLOW™ Capacity Assessment https://essentflowbyshae.com/assessment [https://essentflowbyshae.com/assessment] YouTube: Too Much for the Room https://youtube.com/@ESSENTFLOWbyShae [https://youtube.com/@ESSENTFLOWbyShae] Connect on LinkedIn https://linkedin.com/in/shaethomas [https://linkedin.com/in/shaethomas] claiming your work, imposter syndrome, self-authorization, high-capacity people, minimizing achievements, arrogance vs authority, women entrepreneurs, professional credibility, ESSENTFLOW, ESSENCE phase, business confidence, nervous system, shrinking, people-pleasing, stating your expertise About Host Shae Thomas is a Capacity Strategist and Researcher with a BA in Psychology (concentration: Counseling, minor: Behavioral Health Services) and an MS in Community Leadership. She has spent 17 years documenting why high-capacity people burn out building businesses designed for average-capacity people — and has built ESSENTFLOW™, a framework that actually works for how they're wired. New episodes drop every other Tuesday at 6pm EST. Listen on:Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube | Amazon Music | RSS Feed