Speak to the Dark Parts
Welcome to Loving the Dark Parts, where we shine light on the parts we’ve been taught to hide with the help of astrology. This one is a deeper look into where I’m currently at in my business, which honestly feels quite vulnerable to share. While it’s vulnerable, it is a physical representation of the current cosmic weather [https://kaitlynramsay.substack.com/p/new-moon-in-aries-the-bridge-between], so here we are. I used to think burnout was loud. I thought it would show up with a bang, but it’s more like a quiet hum. Blink and you might think it’s a bad case of the Mondays, until you realise Monday never ends. One thing I’ve noticed, especially since leaving the world of being employed by others to becoming employed by myself, is that it’s really easy to miss the signs if you’re not paying attention. I’m not sure if it’s burnout per se, at least not full blown yet, which I’m grateful for catching before it has me completely immobilised, but it’s definitely something that has me feeling “not myself.” Maybe it’s easier to catch partly because I’m now aware of how I feel in general since getting sober and un-numbing myself, most days. I tend to go through these phases in my business (and life) where things feel… strange. I try to keep doing what I’ve been doing because it worked before, only to find out that what once worked and had me feeling so excited now has me reaching for a new series to binge instead of doing the work I love. This shows me that something needs to shift. The funny part is not actually funny at all because it makes sense: When I feel flat and I’m bordering burnout, my income stalls and things don’t flow like they did before. I bleed paid subscribers, bookings are non-existent, clients nowhere to be seen, and all of a sudden I’m not excited to show up to do the thing I once loved. Then I feel guilty for not showing up in the same way I did before until that one day during my luteal phase comes around and I need to physically peel my finger off of the big red “BURN IT ALL DOWN” button before I make a big mistake that I’ll regret in a couple days. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe income as an entrepreneur is meant to be linear or always growing—I’m a lover of cycles after all—but it is interesting to look deeper at the correlation between money and how I feel on the inside. It’s all energy after all. I had one of my highest income months in January of this year. And I can’t help but notice that after the expansion of income came in, my nervous system collapsed under the weight of it. It wasn’t as easy for me to show up in the same way I had been. Even though nothing changed on the outside, my insides were freaking the f**k out. Then I stopped showing up completely. My body froze, and all of a sudden the limiting beliefs came flooding in like: * Who am I to deserve this? * When will they figure out I’m actually a fraud? * Maybe it’s not as great as they think? * It was a fluke. Don’t get used to it. Hide before they realise. * You’re not going to be able to keep up with this. I’m sorry, what? You’re telling me the moment I actually start getting what I asked for, suddenly it feels like too much and I need to hide like it’s groundhog day?! This is literally all I’ve wanted. To make enough money to live comfortably, travel to see my family and a new place every once in a while, and give back to and support causes and people I believe in from my own creations and skills I’ve been developing for the past six years (and my whole life, if I’m being honest) so I don’t have to ever go back to a soul sucking nine-to-five. To help people fall in love with themselves and feel confident (the irony is not lost on me) to do what they love. Now there are signs of it happening and you can’t survive under the weight of monetary success????? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and I’ll keep saying it until the day I die: Entrepreneurship is one of the quickest avenues to personal growth that has ever existed. In the past I would be panicking at the lack of funds reaching my bank account and the increasing expenses, but this time I’m oddly calm about it all. I’m trusting that this is the season I’m meant to be in, and that once I find that spark again, momentum will build in the way it’s meant to. I’m teaching myself how to feel safe when things happen, either good or bad, because none of it means anything about who I am. These are the moments I get to build capacity to hold what’s coming next. These are the moments where everything I’ve intellectualised turns into practice and embodiment. The moments where I practice feeling worthy even when the numbers try to tell me otherwise, because I finally understand the two are not related. Sometimes we just need to clear space in order to make room for what’s coming next. Solo travel and entrepreneurship have also allowed me to build self-trust that I didn’t have before. I know things are always working out in my favour—so that’s what I’m leaning on during this time. If there’s one thing I know, hustling and pushing and forcing and panicking is never the answer, so this time: I trust that everything is happening as it should. I will not panic. I am safe. I am worthy. Instead of panicking and hustling, I’ve decided to do something slightly insane—pour into myself. I’ve started learning pottery again because it brings me joy. I hired a coach to hold me through this season because having someone to hold up the mirror is valuable to me. I move my body at pilates every week. I’m getting massages and acupuncture. I hired a cleaner to free up some of my energy. I’m flirting again, with life and men. I’m meeting new people and putting myself out there in new ways. Heck, I even went on my first, first date in four years just the other day. A lot of these things cost money, and in the past I wouldn’t allow myself to invest in myself in fear of my bank account running dry, but this time I know the ROI is going to be worth it because loving on myself has never been a bad thing. My bank account may be dry, but I refuse to be. I trust that these things I’m feeling called to do are serving me in the way I need. I have faith that by pouring into myself I will then be able to pour into my business and my life and my community in a way that lights me up again. I’m excited to see what happens, because this time instead of freezing I’m taking action on the things that actually infuse me with life, even if it doesn’t feel practical. Wondering who the heck I am? Hi, I’m Kaitlyn! Professional astrologer, certified coach, and sober Canadian expat living in Thailand with her dog, Lady. There was a time I could be found sitting under the fluorescent lights at the desk outside of the corner office. In 2016 I quit my job, sold my things, and booked a one-way ticket out of the country. Little did I know I wouldn’t be returning and my life would be looking a whole lot different than I had expected. After getting sober in 2020, I dove head first into serious astrology studies to learn about myself, and now I help others fall in love with themselves, too. You can learn more about me and what I do here [https://kaitlynramsay.com/about]. Want to book a session? I offer 1:1 astrology readings [https://kaitlynramsay.as.me/?appointmentType=77085170] and astro-coaching sessions [https://kaitlynramsay.as.me/?appointmentType=77085582] where we can go deeper into what makes you, you. In these sessions we cover what’s current in your life, and you’ll get practical tools that will support you in the current season of your life. Leave feeling deeply seen, understood, and ready to move forward with confidence. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaitlynramsay.substack.com/subscribe [https://kaitlynramsay.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]
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