Anti-Bully Moves: Mindset and Tactics

Just Kidding

Never accuse a bully of being a bully! Why? Because it gives them more power, and all they have to do is deny it. Whenever we accuse the bully, they’ll always deny it, and they usually do so by saying, “I’m only kidding…" OR "It was just a joke..” By saying it was just a joke, they get themself off the hook and diminish their target once again by pretending the target has no reason to be upset. This is what we’re getting into today. How do we deal with the most predictable form denial: I was just kidding OR It was only a joke? Here’s how to turn their joke around on them when they hit you with "I'm kidding!": Say, “Oh great, so I can just ignore you.” “Oh you’re not serious. Good to know.” OR you can turn them into the joke: Ask, “Okay, so when you (list out what they did), you were trying to be funny? Okay.” But remember, it’s always better to NOT accuse them in the first place. If you already did and they claimed they’re just kidding then use that last bits of advice. However, right when you suspect they are being sarcastic or passive aggressive (before you accuse them of anything), use this approach instead: “When you——, do you really mean——?” The difference is you’ll put yourself in the position of judge vs victim by calling them out be accusing them. Always call them out as the judge would versus accuse them as a victim would.

Never Accuse Them of Being a Bully

Narrate the Scene Instead I’ve told the story about where the concept of BF came from… You never want to accuse your bully of bullying directly—you might as well tell them they’ve won. Calling them a bully is giving them a title of power—it says you hold power over me, you're scary. Instead calmly describe what they do and what you do in a matter-of-fact way. Keep these three steps in mind: Be carefree--big body language, upright posture, open gestures and a take it or leave it attitude. Make sure your body matches your words—leave me alone while walking away—you’re annoying while rolling your eyes. And the final punch: Describe the scene like the narrator of a story Break down what's going on for the bully and everyone who happens to be around. It puts you in the power position because you're telling, not pleading, asking, whining or accusing. Rather than complaining and whining, which is weak, CALL them out. And just in case the bully doesn't really know what they're doing is wrong or that you consider them a bully, you'll shine a light on their actions for all to see. Show the whole world it's the bully who keeps coming back for more even though you’ve moved on. You’re relaxed, over it, bored…I’ve dropped the rope but you just keep on pulling, Bully. Narrate the scene to expose the cycle, and remember complaining is only tossing them more bully snacks.

Stop it! You’re a Target NOT a Victim

Everyone is a target of bullying at some point. When the bully succeeds, the target is victimized. The more that happens, the easier it is to take on a victim identity. Seeing yourself as a victim is bully food. Break out of victim behaviors and the bully behaviors that follow. This episode is about social mistakes that could leave you open to bullying Too IMPRESSIVE comes off as I’m better than you, and too INDEPENDENT comes off as I don’t need you. Ironically, we do both to impress people because we believe we need them, which is coping by over compensating. This all comes off as overly dependent and not impressive at all. Bragging…we try to get people to like us by making sure they know all the greatest things about us. We think they’ll like us better, but it’s like we think we’re better. Know-it-all…we give unwanted advice, opinions, answers to show how wise and helpful we are, but we crowd others’ ideas and make them feel dumb or that we can’t be wrong. Bossing others around. Feeling sorry for yourself…we let disappointments, setbacks, fears and criticism get in the way of enjoying life. We want empathy and validation, but we drag others down. Being a sore loser…we have to be the best and get bent out of shape when we lose or somebody else wins. Saying sorry too often or never apologizing…we assume blame or deny any responsibility to keep others from being angry, but we end up looking weak. White lies…sometimes we tell small lies or omit the truth to save face or keep the peace. This includes not being upfront with how we actually feel, expecting others to guess. They can tell, and we seem shady. People pleasing…we prioritize what others seem to want in order to keep them around. Seems nice, but it’s manipulative. Trying to be perfect…we over compensate to hide our weaknesses. Refusing to ask for help…we wouldn’t want to seem needy, but we miss this great chance for connection with others. Nobody’s perfect, join the crowd. And worst of all HUNGRY for attention—not being willing to believe it when somebody isn’t worth your time or effort and instead letting them walk all over you. We do all these things to be appreciated and have social success, but they don’t work! So STOP IT! Instead, do what it takes to achieve what you’re after. Instead of bragging, hold back the coolest things about yourself. Let people find out naturally as time goes on. Let them earn it over the course of true friendship. Anything cool seems even cooler when you didn’t feel the need to bring it up immediately or rub it in others faces. Instead of telling white lies, let people know the truth as you see it. And rather than pleasing people to get something from them, do what pleases you and bring them in on the fun. I don’t mean to never cooperate, but don’t do it just to get something from others. We all feel sorry for ourselves at times, but a great way to snap out of it, and an even better way to keep others around is gratitude. Be grateful for what’s going well and what you did do right even in the situation you’re feeling sorry about. Show your weaknesses and admit to your mistakes instead of trying to be perfect. People love to see you accept your own flaws because that means you’ll accept theirs too.

Stop it! You’re a Target NOT a Victim

Everyone is a target of bullying at some point. When the bully succeeds, the target is victimized. The more that happens, the easier it is to take on a victim identity. Seeing yourself as a victim is bully food. Break out of victim behaviors and the bully behaviors that follow. This episode is about social mistakes that could leave you open to bullying Too IMPRESSIVE comes off as I’m better than you, and too INDEPENDENT comes off as I don’t need you. Ironically, we do both to impress people because we believe we need them, which is coping by over compensating. This all comes off as overly dependent and not impressive at all. Bragging…we try to get people to like us by making sure they know all the greatest things about us. We think they’ll like us better, but it’s like we think we’re better. Know-it-all…we give unwanted advice, opinions, answers to show how wise and helpful we are, but we crowd others’ ideas and make them feel dumb or that we can’t be wrong. Bossy Feeling sorry for yourself…we let disappointments, setbacks, fears and criticism get in the way of enjoying life. We want empathy and validation, but we drag others down. Being a sore loser…we have to be the best and get bent out of shape when we lose or somebody else wins. Saying sorry too often or never apologizing…we assume blame or deny any responsibility to keep others from being angry, but we end up looking weak. White lies…sometimes we tell small lies or omit the truth to save face or keep the peace. This includes not being upfront with how we actually feel, expecting others to guess. They can tell, and we seem shady. People pleasing…we prioritize what others seem to want in order to keep them around. Seems nice, but it’s manipulative. Trying to be perfect…we over compensate to hide our weaknesses. Refusing to ask for help…we wouldn’t want to seem needy, but we miss this great chance for connection with others. Nobody’s perfect, join the crowd. And worst of all HUNGRY for attention—not being willing to believe it when somebody isn’t worth your time or effort and instead letting them walk all over you. We do all these things to be appreciated and have social success, but they don’t work! So STOP IT! Instead, do what it takes to achieve what you’re after. Instead of bragging, hold back the coolest things about yourself. Let people find out naturally as time goes on. Let them earn it over the course of true friendship. Anything cool seems even cooler when you didn’t feel the need to bring it up immediately or rub it in others faces. Instead of telling white lies, let people know the truth as you see it. And rather than pleasing people to get something from them, do what pleases you and bring them in on the fun. I don’t mean to never cooperate, but don’t do it just to get something from others. We all feel sorry for ourselves at times, but a great way to snap out of it, and an even better way to keep others around is gratitude. Be grateful for what’s going well and what you did do right even in the situation you’re feeling sorry about. Show your weaknesses and admit to your mistakes instead of trying to be perfect. People love to see you accept your own flaws because that means you’ll accept theirs too.

Anti-Bully Moves: Mindset and Tactics

Anti-bully mindset: I don’t want attention. I won’t try to get your attention, I won’t try to keep your attention, I feel good without your attention, I feel good with your attention as long as it’s enjoyable and doesn’t get boring. Frame everything the bully does as an opportunity to give yourself what you deserve: confidence, self-respect, humor, self-reliance, recognition for doing what's right. Whatever the bully does is an opportunity to show everyone you don’t seek attention, especially if it’s theirs. Here we go into detail about exactly how an anti-bully responds to classic bully moves. This is going to be a long one but you can skip around to find the strategies that will work best against your bully. I'll go in order of the list below. See if you can anticipate how a person who doesn’t want attention would handle each bully tactic. What to do when the bully: Disregards you Falsely accuses or makes mountains out of molehills Gives the silent treatment Sets a double standards, break rules or make them up on the fly Intimidates you Isolates you Mood swings Says mean things Bullies online Ignores you Gossips and spreads rumors Invades your privacy Intrudes and imposes on you Physical aggression or crossing the line Punishments Steals credit Steals, hides, damages your property Threatens you Withholds information Uses emotional control Gangs up Harasses you or uses violence