The Sacred "I Don't Know": An honest Reflection on our experiences with Freebirth

Grief as Medicine with Amber Wolf Moon

Suicide, illness, and miscarriage — all variations of how death can greet us, initiating a pilgrimage of grief. Death arrives without a knock, claiming life whether we are ready or not… Today, I am joined by a dear friend who has walked alongside death for most of her life with profound intimacy. From navigating the suicide of her mother at age 4, then the death of her step-mother a few years after; she was touched and ultimately forever changed by being thrusted into a life of grief. In her adulthood she once again was greeted by death when her ex-fiancé passed suddenly also from suicide following the miscarriage of her daughter, Knova. Amber Wolf Moon, a Somatic Relational Therapist & Ceremonial Embodiment Facilitator, shares her journey alongside death and how this has influenced her to support others heal while walking with their grief in an intentional way. Her work now is rooted in an empathic approach to healing, mental health, grief, and spiritual work. Throughout this recording Amber will share various tools and techniques on how to intentionally work with your grief from a somatic therapy perspective. This conversation feels more like a ceremony than a podcast — A prayer in the form of 2 sisters in a space of sacred storytelling and dialogue. Light a candle, brew some tea, set an altar, grab your journal, and burn some sacred herbs; you are welcomed into a space of deep feeling, learning, and prayer. Deep gratitude to Amber for showing up with such vulnerability and beauty as she continues to walk the path of service. Your humanness is inspiring. You can learn more about Ambers offerings with the descriptions below and connect with her through her website. We dedicate this conversation to all the well beings and ancestors that have passed on and are here with us in Spirit. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If you are wanting to receive grief support from a holistic, soul, creative perspective I am currently accepting 1:1 Grief Pilgrimage clients as well as currently offering Medicine readings (available both in person & virtually). Apply for a 1:1 Grief Pilgrimage. [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf7NmCqGrioe1bffwrCWDEd2NWfdJhxJIJWo8_2wxel0cDgTA/viewform?usp=header] To book a Medicine Reading, please connect with me via email: ahummingbirdprayer@gmail.com To those of you with us today: All of you is welcome here. Thank you for listening and being part of this community space. You are not alone. With reverence, Emma Cardinal “Amber Wolf Moon is an Evolutionary Embodiment Guide, Somatic Relational Therapist, Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Yoga Teacher, and Sacred Ceremony Facilitator. She has supported beings of all walks of life world wide and brings her sacred soul service wherever she goes as that is her deepest devotion. Her work was initiated through the spirit of her Mother who passed from suicide when she was 4. Her mother chose to leave from a deep yearning to belong and Amber's mission is to create safe spaces, circles, and 1-1 containers so the ones who work with her can feel an embodied sense of belonging to place, to self, and to loved ones. Her 1-1 sessions online and in-person are greatly influenced by her Somatic Therapy studies, spiritual teachings, and deep attunement to creating a space where all her clients can feel safe to unwind the depth of their wholeness. Grounded Wholeness Somatic Therapy being her business name was chosen as that is the feedback she continuously got from all clients leaving each session feeling more grounded, embodied, relaxed, and connected. Amber has a fine skill of being able to hold the unbearable parts, experiences, and traumas that would be too much for a client to hold on their own. She gives her clients the tools to learn to be more embodied, aware of the nervous system response/reaction and have immense amount of resources to call upon when challenges and discomfort occurs. Her focus is less on talk therapy and going into the past, and more on the felt sense experience of the body in present time awareness; cultivating a sense of equanimity to meet all parts of who we are with curiosity, compassion, and presence. She is passionate about integration and always offers tools that feel easeful to apply into everyday life.” You can work with Amber online or in person. She currently accepting new clients for Somatic Relational Therapy, Couples Therapy, & Womb Journeys. Website: groundedwholeness.com [http://groundedwholeness.com] Instagram: @amberwolfmoon [https://www.instagram.com/amberwolfmoon/] This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe [https://ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

The Sacred "I Don't Know": An honest Reflection on our experiences with Freebirth

Here sit two women, two mothers — who have both walked the path of freebirth, each with vastly different outcomes. One, cradling her daughter in her arms; the other, with her son’s ashes on upon her altar. — Welcome to an honest afternoon conversation with my dear friend Eden as she offers transparent reflections about her choice to freebirth her daughter in November of 2023. This is the first time Eden has openly shared her raw and unfiltered opinion on her birth experience in the almost 2 years since her daughter, Flora, came earth-side. Together we explore the evolution of our perspectives, opinions, and understandings about birth as a whole. Openly sharing what went into our decision making while we were pregnant together, the “propaganda” we received from freebirthing courses, educational streams, books, and podcasts, as well as what we understand about birth now. Throughout our time together as friends, sisters, and mothers — navigating birth as well as death — we have both learned, shifted, and evolved far beyond the women that we were when we first met. “It’s okay to change your mind — and that’s why I haven’t really said anything, because my mind is changed. And I would not speak about freebirth in the ways that I did in the past. I feel a lot of compassion for that past version of me and for the women who look at freebirth as that moral-higher-than — but I'm also grateful to have been her so that I can feel what it feels like to be changed from that.” — Eden Elizabeth We contemplate many things, questions, and ideas throughout this conversation: Do we still agree with freebirth?Is there a totally correct way to birth in order to eliminate risk?Would we choose freebirth again?What would you tell your past self about birth?How do you tend to the universally humbling unknowable mystery?Can you hold the raw true statement “I don’t know” with sacred hands? In so many ways, we leave this conversation with more questions than answers — Ultimately though, what we seem to return to time and time again is: there is no one right way. To live, birth, grieve, love, mother, or be… — It never ceases to bring me to my knees at how healing it can be when women come together in sacred dialogue. May this contemplative conversation be an offering to you. Thank you for being here and listening to this recording with Eden, it’s an honour to have you in this space with us. What are your thoughts? What did this conversation bring up for you?Did this bring up judgements, biases, beliefs, ideas?How has birth changed you? Do you think/feel that there is a singularly better way to birth?What would you say to your past self? The comments are available and open to you. Posting this with reverence and a heart full of I-don’t-know’s,Emma Cardinal More about Eden ElizabethSOMATIC STORYTELLER | BODY POETRYdancer with a poet heart — the intersection of body + voice “Eden is a Mother, a Storyteller, a Ritualist, and lover of the ceremonial. She is inspired by what is real, raw, and human. Her vision is of a world where Women are living more deeply in connection to the land, their bodies, and their medicine. Eden has accepted her responsibility and role as a Way-shower and Map-maker in these times, and is devoted to sharing her story and bringing Women along with her as she meets her own edges of shame, pain, discomfort, pleasure, joy, and ecstasy.” You can find and connect with Eden: On Instagram: @creatingeden [https://www.instagram.com/creatingedenn/] On Substack: Eden Elizabeth [https://substack.com/profile/319187507-eden-elizabeth] Receive her offerings: https://bio.site/creatingeden [https://bio.site/creatingeden] x https://www.bodypoetry.art/ [https://www.bodypoetry.art/] The birth story referenced in this conversation Nicolle & Jake share the birth story of their son Fox [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIaB_r26MMY] This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe [https://ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

The Astrology of Death & Grief

After my son died I put down many of the modalities and healing tools I had integrated into my life up until that point. A major one being Astrology. Feeling betrayed by these teachings meant to guide, support, and facilitate healing. Feeling broken down, lost, and honestly — obliterated beyond comprehension. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. The woman I used to be, I wasn’t any longer… she was gone, dead, unrecognizable. — So, very intentionally, I put it all away. Starting from scratch, returning to the question… “What is actually real?”. Nothing made any sense to me. None of my previously held beliefs, practices, or understandings of the world could hold a candle to anything resembling truth. My perspective and knowings dissolved into the ashes that now sit upon my altar. Nothing felt real. Some days, it still doesn’t. So my velveteen rabbit search to find what is truly real began. — Eventually I found myself gazing back up towards the milky black sky, the dotted patterns of the stars enticing me once again, and soon I looked back at the many tools I had laid to rest before me. Much like The Magician tarot card, I found myself in a reflective space — still with the question, “what is actually real?” weighing on my heart, No answer in sight until…. I found myself taking a breath and whispering… “this moment is real, and so is my experience of it.” Even if it wasn’t tangible, even if it didn’t make sense… this moment was real, full of heartbreak and grief and sorrow, but also beauty and love and imagination. It wasn’t much, but it was a spark of something, and at that point, I’d take a spark of anything. That little flicker of light brought a breath of freshness and I picked up Astrology again. But this time, in a new way. In a way that was real, grounded — rooted in a different kind of wisdom. A wisdom that is found in the mythos of our ancestors, the sacred mystery — not to heal, transform, or pray the grief away… but to learn to hold it with deep care. Since picking up the medicine of Astrology once again, I have found myself relating to it differently than before. Rooted in a truth you can’t read from a book or find in the stories of someone else. The Astrology I sit with now is found in what is ancient and true, pieced together from the broken bones of my lineage, woven together of what is both painful and holy — there is no fluff here, no spiritual bypassing, only intentional inward gazing with the most bitterly sacred of all the Medicine Women to walk this earth: Grief. — The hidden codes written in one’s natal chart spoke to me & illuminated 3 main things: 1) How you may best walk alongside your grief.(what kind of therapy is best, how you may function in the world as you hold grief, 2) What kind of grief you came here to be in relationship with.(personal, ancestral, and collective) 3) The practices you can lean on to help you find meaning in death.(spiritual, creative, & movement oriented practices…. even specific relationships that are most supportive) In this recording I use my own chart as an example of how I’ve come to know both death & grief through the lens of the stars, as well as offering you some key pieces of what to look for in your own natal chart. A summary of the key Astrological Grief & Death placements… 8th House: Ego death, rebirth experiences, existentialism, & trauma. 12th House: Human death, karmic endings, mental/emotional health, & mortality of self or others. Pluto Sign & Placement: What you’re being invited to transform in this life. — & when I say transform, I mean completely burn to the f*****g ground and then rise up from the ashes. Chiron Sign & Placement: Where you’re being asked to step into empowerment instead of self-victimization — the place of your deepest wounds, your inner healer, and alchemy of your grief to be of service to others. 4th House: Ancestral grief/healing, past-life influences, & family medicine. ** A few honourable mentions: Moon Sign & Placement: Your emotional body, what helps you to feel safe, & how to feel love again after loss. Mars Sign & Placement: The way you experience Anger, how to get moving again after depressive episodes, & what your inner fire needs to stay lit. South Node Sign & Placement: Release, release, release. This placement is all about decrease, letting go, what you’re being invited to purify from your life, & how to care for your inner child. Of course, depending on one’s unique chart — placements that are not mentioned here may still connect to grief, death, and sorrow. These are a few mere steps to begin your journey… In reverence, Emma Cardinal For the woman who is navigating the threshold of grief and desiring a space of intimate, soul-deep, and personalized care. Within the Grief Pilgrimage container, we will explore death, loss, and grief through the lens of creativity, earth medicine, integrative holistic care, and grounded spiritual practices. Welcome to the first step on your Grief Pilgrimage [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf7NmCqGrioe1bffwrCWDEd2NWfdJhxJIJWo8_2wxel0cDgTA/viewform?usp=header] ; Available in 3, 6, & 12 week packages depending on what would be most supportive for you at this time. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe [https://ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

The Space Between Our Stories

Walking the path of pregnancy together as friends then coming out of the birth portal as mothers; we would continue our walk as sisters, one nursing her daughter while the other mourned her son with empty arms. This brought a challenge: how could we show up for one another through such contrast and deep pain? For us that looked like: ceremony and allowing. Allowing there to be space for grief, anger, sadness, sorrow — while also being open to the beauty of the new life that was gazing up at us with bright green eyes. Creating ceremony where there could be spaciousness for both of our experiences. This was, and continues to be hard — for every milestone that Eden’s daughter touches, I am continuously reminded of the life my son wont ever get to live. Such is the dance of life intermingled with grief, the depths of medicine awaiting us in sisterhood and as women… if we only have the courage to sit at one another’s feet. — Join me and my beloved spirit sister as we sit in tea ceremony reflecting on our journey through pregnancy, birth, death, postpartum, and ceremony. In this raw, unedited, emotional conversation we compassionately explore the women we used to be, the beliefs we used to carry, and the mindsets we had going into (free)birth as first-time mothers. Together we explore the challenges, the ceremonies, and the healing rituals — like Blessing Ways, Red Thread Ceremonies, and The Closing of The Bones — that have shaped our paths. We dive into how our bond as friends and sisters has deepened, how we’ve held each other through grief and joy, and how the medicine of truly facing what’s uncomfortable can transform us. It’s a conversation about how we showed up for each other, even when the weight of life and loss seemed too much to bear. — This conversation is far from polished or perfect.. quite the opposite actually. Found in all the imperfections and technical flaws is an undeniable truth. Amidst the choppy audio and pixilated video, there is authentic relating. You’ll notice about half way through our conversation, we had technical issues and had to continue on in a new way. This feels appropriate to our journey as women… as sisters — beginning one way, with the assumption that things will flow and work out; only to be met with a complication, a disruption… and still continuing on our walk through motherhood together. I considered rerecording this conversation… but the rawness of our storytelling would be difficult to recreate, and woven within the imperfectness is a humble reality. What you see here is us… And just as birth and death are messy and imperfect, so are we… as is this episode. So, true to the type of content I put out, in all of its rawness — here is … well, here is us. In reverence, Emma This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe [https://ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Remembering Anarcha Westcott

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com [https://ahummingbirdprayer.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_7] I don’t do trigger warnings for what I share in this space because life doesn’t come with a trigger warning. Nature doesn’t wrap things in a digestive bubble and honestly, it doesn’t feel correct for me to put a warning on my lived experiences. If you’re here with me in this corner of the internet, you’ll quickly learn that the subject matter of my work is deep, heavy, and quite frankly… not for everyone. So, if you want to click away, that’s okay — I wont fault you for it, but for those that want to expand their resilience and explore the depths of what humans can endure… thank you for being here. Your presence is appreciated more than you know. This recording in particular speaks of a woman named Anarcha Westcott, the mother of modern Gynaecology. The history of her connection to Dr. J Marion Sims is profoundly controversial, inhumanly barbaric, and important to be understood. Upon finding out who she was, through wails and moans, I found myself researching as much as I possibly could. A contrasting mix of emotions flood my body when I think of her; everything from gratitude to horror, and always accompanied by a river of tears. I share her name now, alongside her story, with everyone that I can. While I don’t do trigger warnings, I do recognize that having boundaries in spaces like this, with the subject matter I cover, is supportive. So I want to be transparently clear: the reason I chose to have this is as a paid publication is not to monetize off of Anarcha Westcott, the suffering she endured, or her story. Rather, this conversation speaks to the parallels of our lives and the pain that we both experienced. This is a recording where I express and explore my personal connection to her; so while I do go into her story as well as offer bits and pieces of historical gynaecological education — this really is more of an intimate telling of my own life and how it pertains to her. In many ways this recording serves as a requiem of emotion from me to Anarcha Westcott. A refusal to let her be forgotten. A remembrance of her suffering and sacrifice that directly and positively impact billions of women today. This is a space where I stand in vulnerability. Emotionally and physiologically relating to this woman who knows my story more than anyone else, even though she has been dead for over 150 years. My journey with childbirth was, in many way, unique — extreme and uncommon to say the least. Not just because I lost my son, but because of all the subtle details woven within the multi-day labour and the bodily dysfunction to follow. Over the past year I’ve connected with other women who have experienced stillbirth, each story as unique as the mother who tells it. And as supportive as connecting with these women has been for me, the woman that understands my journey the most lived almost 200 years ago; the recording you are about to listen to is an emotional telling of how we mirror one another. As I said prior, there are absolutely educational pieces woven into the words I share, however — this really is a remembering of Anarcha Westcott — the only woman I currently know of that has walked a parallel path from a physiological standpoint. Of course our paths are not identical, but the likeness is heartbreaking. If you are curious to know more about Anarcha Westcott, I encourage you to research her as much as you can. If you are wanting to learn more about the parallels between her and me, as well as my experience with traumatic childbirth and child-loss — this is the recording to take some intentional time with. I wish that I could sit at her feet… that we could be there for one another in a way that can only be done by someone who really knows the pain from a similar lived experience. I wish that I could be there for her and she could be there for me, and that we could talk to one another about our journeys and hold each other in a way that only those who have walked a similar path can. I see you Anarcha, and if you’re out there I hope you see me too. In reverence and remembrance, Emma