Why Love Feels Addictive When It Isn’t Safe

Why Love Feels Addictive When It Isn’t Safe

One person reaches. The other retreats. And the harder one chases, the further the other pulls away. In this final episode of our attachment series, we bring anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment together to explore how these patterns actually interact inside relationships. The anxious-avoidant dance can feel confusing, addictive, painful, and deeply personal. One partner may fear abandonment while the other fears being consumed. One seeks reassurance while the other seeks space. But underneath both strategies, there is often the same deeper wound: fear. This episode is not about blaming one attachment style over another. It is about learning to see the loop clearly, understand the stories your nervous system creates, and begin practicing something different. Secure attachment is not about becoming perfect. It is not about never getting triggered. It is about learning to regulate before reaction, repair after rupture, communicate honestly, and build enough trust to stay present with yourself and others. Topics covered: * The anxious-avoidant relationship loop * Why one person chases while the other withdraws * How disorganized attachment creates hot-and-cold dynamics * Nervous system activation and relationship stories * Reflection vs rumination * Secure attachment as a practice * Repair after rupture * Trust, presence, and communication * Using a couples journal to create safer conversations Key takeaways: * Anxious and avoidant patterns are often opposite strategies protecting against similar fears. * The story you tell yourself during activation may not be the full truth. * Reflection becomes powerful when it leads to accountability, not self-justification. * Secure attachment is built through awareness, regulation, repair, and trust. * Every moment you choose differently is evidence that you are changing. Practice from the episode: Think of a recent moment when you felt activated in a relationship. It does not have to be romantic. It could be with a friend, family member, partner, or coworker. Before focusing on what happened after, pause and ask: What did I immediately tell myself this meant? Write the story down honestly. Do not edit it. Do not make it sound wise or healed. Just notice what your nervous system believed in that moment. Then ask: Is this a current offense, or is this touching an older wound? Affirmations: I am not an attachment wound. I am the one who can heal it. I can feel fear in connection and choose to stay present anyway. Secure attachment is something I practice, not something I missed. I am learning to regulate before I react. Every moment I choose differently is evidence that I am changing. Journaling prompts: When you feel disconnected from someone you care about, what do you usually do? What are you hoping that response will get you? Has that strategy actually worked? What have your old protection mechanisms cost you in relationships? What would it feel like to be truly secure in connection, without needing constant reassurance or constant distance? Think of one moment when you were regulated and present in a relationship. What made that possible? Keywords: attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, secure attachment, anxious avoidant dance, relationship healing, nervous system regulation, emotional triggers, repair after rupture, trust, communication, self-awareness, New Ashla, Path of Ashla. Connect: Michael Perry [https://www.facebook.com/michael.perry.18400700/] | Justin Gates [https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates] Follow: TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc] | New Ashla [https://newashla.com/]

When Love Feels Safe… and Terrifying

Episode Guide [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-9rbJtupl4P-ByZ26TlTGrJw3pj46bx6/view?usp=sharing] You want the relationship. You want closeness. You want to be loved. But the moment it starts to feel real, the moment someone actually shows up for you, something inside you starts looking for the exit. In part three of our attachment series, we explore disorganized attachment: the painful push-pull of craving connection while fearing it at the same time. Disorganized attachment often forms when the person a child depends on for comfort is also a source of fear, instability, or emotional danger. The nervous system learns an impossible equation: I need you, and you are not safe. That contradiction can follow us into adulthood. Love can feel good and terrifying. Safety can feel unfamiliar. A stable relationship can trigger the urge to run, pick a fight, shut down, or brace for everything to fall apart. In this episode, we talk about how disorganized attachment shows up in relationships, why self-sabotage is often old self-protection, and how healing begins through awareness, nervous system regulation, compassion, and the slow practice of staying present when things are good. Topics covered: * Why disorganized attachment feels so confusing * The push-pull between wanting closeness and fearing it * How love can become a trigger * Self-sabotage, impulsivity, and relationship hypervigilance * Shame, guilt, and the belief “I am bad” * Why safe relationships can feel threatening * The role of the nervous system in attachment healing * How the pause creates space between activation and reaction * Learning to build safety, trust, and secure connection * A reminder for partners: compassion does not mean losing yourself Key takeaways: * Disorganized attachment is not a flaw. It is a survival pattern. * Self-sabotage often comes from the nervous system trying to protect you. * Shame keeps the wound open; compassion creates room for healing. * Healing requires more than insight. The body needs new experiences of safety. * You are not too broken, too much, or too far gone. * Good things can stay. Love can become safe. Practice: Stay in the Good The next time something genuinely good happens in a relationship — a kind gesture, a peaceful conversation, a moment of real connection — pause. Put your feet on the floor. Take two slow breaths. Let the moment be what it is without waiting for it to turn. No analysis. No preparing for the crash. Just ten seconds of letting good be good. Affirmations: * I am allowed to want closeness and to have it. * Safety is something I can learn. It is not too late for me. * I do not have to sabotage what is good. Good things can stay. * My nervous system is old. The present moment is new. I can tell the difference. * I am not too much. I am someone learning how to be loved. Journaling prompts: * Think about the last time you pulled back from someone who was showing up for you. What were you afraid was about to happen? Where does that fear actually come from? * What does safe feel like in your body? If you are not sure, what would you need from a relationship to start finding out? * Is there a good thing in your life right now that you have been waiting to fall apart? What would it mean to let yourself trust it? Keywords: disorganized attachment, attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, attachment wounds, relationship anxiety, self-sabotage, nervous system regulation, emotional triggers, shame healing, secure attachment, emotional regulation, the pause, self-trust, New Ashla, Path of Ashla.

From Survival to Creation: Meeting Crisis Through the Light

Get the Episode Companion Guide Here! [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IgSwp0sYXHoPQzRHyRT9qqOcrrrESqaf/view?usp=sharing] In this episode of The New Ashla Podcast, Justin V. Gates and Michael Perry explore how crisis can either collapse us into survival or awaken a deeper creative power within us. Crisis has a way of revealing what has been leading beneath the surface. When pressure rises, fear can take over, old patterns can return, and the nervous system can move into panic, control, or avoidance. But crisis can also become a doorway. It can sharpen clarity, reveal courage, interrupt old patterns, and call forth a version of us that knows how to respond instead of simply react. Drawing from the teachings of Ashla, this conversation reframes crisis as a test of awareness, alignment, and self-mastery. Not because suffering is good, but because even in difficulty, the Light can reveal the next right step. Justin and Michael discuss how fear can become either panic or courage depending on where we aim it, why not every moment deserves our full alarm, and how to keep truth, purpose, and Light as the target when life becomes uncertain. This episode is a reminder that crisis does not have to become collapse. With awareness, discernment, and aligned action, pressure can become creative power, fear can become courage, and difficulty can become a doorway into transformation. Key topics * Crisis as a reveal of inner strength and patterns * The role of fear and old patterns in crisis * How faith and trust influence our response * Practical exercises for managing crisis energy * The importance of self-awareness and responsibility Get the book here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/4ADHZyA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://a.co/d/4ADHZyA] Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/NewAshla⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.facebook.com/NewAshla] Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates] TikTok:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc] YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@KnightsofAwakening⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [http://www.youtube.com/@KnightsofAwakening] YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@TemplumLumis⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [http://www.youtube.com/@TemplumLumis] Website: ⁠⁠⁠www.newashla.com [www.newashla.com] Takeaways * Crisis reveals our true self and dormant patterns. * Fear can either collapse us or fuel our growth. * Maintaining awareness and trust guides us through crisis. * Companion guides help reflect and integrate lessons. * Facing crisis with courage transforms challenges into opportunities. Keywords: survival to creation, crisis and healing, turning fear into courage, creative power, spiritual growth, self mastery, emotional regulation, crisis response, nervous system, fear and anxiety, conscious response, Ashla, New Ashla Podcast, Justin V Gates, Michael Perry, the Light, the Force, Luminari, shadow work, inner work, spiritual alignment, crisis as a doorway, fear into courage, awareness, discernment, purpose, right action, personal transformation, emotional resilience, healing through crisis, pressure and growth, faith in crisis, walking in the Light

When Death Comes Close: Grief, Gratitude, and the Sacred Work of Living

Check out the Episode companion guide here! [https://drive.google.com/file/d/19-bbkEtE8XGBQnjI8TLwBnXByA3WKF5g/view?usp=sharing] In this episode of The New Ashla Podcast, Justin V. Gates and Michael Perry explore what happens when death stops being an abstract idea and becomes something real enough to change how you see your life. After discovering that one of the arteries in his heart was roughly 95% blocked, Justin shares the emotional and spiritual impact of undergoing a stent procedure, facing mortality, and learning how to return to life after a serious health scare. This conversation is not only about the medical event itself, but about the deeper questions it awakened: What happens when you realize your body is not invincible? How do you process the possibility of leaving people behind? How do you grieve what could have happened while still being grateful for the life that remains? Justin and Michael discuss anticipatory grief, the fear of being absent from those who still need you, the empathic weight of feeling everyone else’s fear and love, and the strange spiritual tension of knowing death is not the end while still honoring the human ache of separation. Through the teachings of Ashla, this episode becomes a reflection on grief, gratitude, mortality, and the sacred responsibility of living. Death may not be the end, but life is still holy. The body still matters. Love still matters. Presence still matters. And when death comes close, the invitation is not to live in fear, but to live more honestly, more fully, and more awake. This is a conversation about the warning, the wound, the gratitude, and the Light that remains. Get the book here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/4ADHZyA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://a.co/d/4ADHZyA] Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/NewAshla⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.facebook.com/NewAshla] Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates] TikTok:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc] YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@KnightsofAwakening⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [http://www.youtube.com/@KnightsofAwakening] YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@TemplumLumis⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [http://www.youtube.com/@TemplumLumis] Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠www.newashla.com [www.newashla.com] Key topics * Confronting mortality and its emotional impact * The role of purpose and legacy in life * The importance of gratitude during health crises * How near-death experiences shift perspectives * The connection between health, mindset, and spirituality Takeaways * Facing death can deepen our appreciation for life and loved ones. * Gratitude illuminates the grief and fear, providing clarity and peace. * Living in alignment and purpose can transform our experience of mortality. * Unfinished conversations and relationships are amplified when mortality is near. * The body is not invincible, but the soul's invincibility offers comfort. Keywords: brush with death, near death experience, health scare, heart stent, blocked artery, mortality, grief, gratitude, anticipatory grief, fear of death, spiritual reflection, life after health scare, healing journey, emotional healing, Ashla, New Ashla Podcast, Justin V Gates, Michael Perry, the Light, the Force, grief and gratitude, sacred living, spiritual growth, living after the warning, death and dying, mourning, empathy, health and spirituality, heart health, choosing life, inner peace, life is sacred

When Independence Turns Into Isolation | Avoidant Attachment Explained

Episode Companion [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GQzRzVFj075HG6R9ZPxwvEyHToiVX2oy/view?usp=sharing] Avoidant Attachment | Attachment Series Part 2 You’ve always been fine on your own. You handle things. You don’t ask for much. You don’t burden people. But somewhere along the way, “I’ve got it” became a wall. In this episode of The New Ashla Podcast, Michael Perry and Justin Gates explore avoidant attachment: how it forms, what it protects, and how it can quietly turn independence into isolation. Avoidant attachment is not coldness. It is not a lack of love. It is often a survival strategy built by people who learned that needing others was unsafe, disappointing, inconvenient, or unreliable. Michael and Justin break down how avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, why closeness can feel threatening, and how people can begin opening up without losing themselves in the process. Topics Covered: * What avoidant attachment is really protecting * Why independence can become emotional armor * The difference between emotional regulation and suppression * How avoidant attachment shows up in relationships * Why closeness can feel like losing autonomy * The anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic * How logic, stoicism, achievement, and self-control can become shields * Learning to ask for help without feeling weak * Becoming both strong and open Key Takeaways: * Avoidant attachment is not an absence of love or need. It is often a learned form of self-protection. * Being able to survive alone is not the same thing as being healed. * Independence is healthy when it is a choice, not when it becomes a wall. * Avoidant people often care deeply, but learned not to express it because vulnerability once felt unsafe. * Connection does not have to mean losing yourself. Healthy love expands who you are rather than erasing you. * Healing starts with small moments of honesty, trust, and allowing yourself to receive support. Exercise: One True Thing Think of someone in your life you trust, even a little. This week, tell them one true thing something real about how you feel, what you are struggling with, or what you actually need. It does not have to be big. It just has to be true. Say something you would normally keep to yourself, handle alone, or avoid mentioning. Then notice what happens in them — and in you. Affirmations: * I am strong enough to ask for help. * Letting people in does not mean losing myself. * My needs are not a burden. They are part of being human. * I can be close to someone and still be whole. * I am learning that vulnerability is not weakness. It is the door to everything I actually want. Journaling Prompts: * When did you first learn that needing people was not safe? What happened, and what did you decide about yourself or others because of it? * Is there something you have been handling alone that you could let someone else into, even partially? What stops you? * What would it mean for your life if being close to someone did not require giving something up? What might become possible? Sound Bites: “Being able to survive alone is not the same as being healed.” “Independence becomes armor.” “You can be strong enough to stand on your own and open enough to receive love.” “Letting people close does not mean becoming weak. It means giving yourself what you needed all along.” Keywords: avoidant attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, emotional intimacy, relationship healing, self-protection, vulnerability, emotional regulation, independence, interdependence, healing relationships, self-awareness, nervous system, love and autonomy, New Ashla Podcast, Path of Ashla Connect: Michael Perry [https://www.facebook.com/michael.perry.18400700/] | Justin Gates [https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates] Follow: TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc] | New Ashla [https://newashla.com/]