Where Did the Desire Go?

Where Did the Desire Go?

Something I keep noticing about midlife women: we keep calling it exhaustion when it’s actually something else entirely. The women I work with aren’t running out of energy. They’re running companies, raising children, managing households, taking care of aging parents, showing up for everyone who depends on them. That’s not depletion. That’s misdirection. In this episode I’m talking about the difference between life force, eros, and aliveness, and why so many women find themselves reaching outside themselves for something that was never actually out there. In this episode: * The direction problem: why desire goes underground, not away * The double bind: what happens when you spend decades getting good at everyone else’s needs and forgetting your own * What it actually looks like when desire goes dormant: the dance class that never happens, the trip that never gets booked, the question you can’t answer * Why pleasure isn’t indulgence. It’s information. * Why midlife, as disorienting as it feels, might actually be the moment desire finally gets loud enough to hear If you’ve been feeling that low hum of something missing, this one’s for you. This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Ashley Kelsch at ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Midlife and the ‘I Can’t Believe This Is My Life’ Moment

Ever look around and think, “I can’t believe this is my life”? You’re not failing—you’re human, and midlife has a way of making even the most accomplished among us question everything. Today on Unfucking Midlife, I am digging into the shame, comparison, and identity shifts that hit hard in midlife—and how to flip the script, understand what’s really happening in your brain and body, and turn “Is this it?” into “How can I make this matter?” In This Episode: What You’ll Discover: * The shame spiral: Feeling embarrassed about where you are and why you’re not alone * Gap vs Gain thinking [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781401964368]: Dan Sullivan and Dr. Hardy’s powerful framework that changes everything * Momentum vs milestones: The difference between busy work and meaningful progress * Professional identity shifts: From “I used to be somebody” to “I’m becoming someone new” * The Hedonic Horizon: Why happiness keeps moving and how to keep up * Ownership without blame: Forgiving your past choices and reclaiming your power * Starting over as a beginner: Why curiosity is your midlife superpower The Real Cost of Staying Stuck * How constant comparison and “gap thinking” trigger stress and anxiety * Why social media makes it harder to feel content * What chasing outdated identities does to your confidence and energy Practical Tools You Can Use Today * Gain inventory: Write down three things you learned, one problem you solved each week * Ownership mantra: “I made the best decision I could with what I knew then” * Aligned action: One small step this week toward what actually matters * Time audit questions: “Is this serving me? Do I really want this? Is this current or outdated?” Key Quotes: * “Who decided by 50 you should have the dream career, perfect marriage, ideal body, and financial security? Show me this person—I have questions.” * “Midlife isn’t a decline—it’s a recalibration. You’re not running out of time; you’re running out of patience for what doesn’t matter.” * “Your best decisions were made with the tools and capacity you had then. Forgive yourself and move forward.” Share This Episode If this episode hits home, share it. Send it to a friend who’s questioning everything in midlife, post it to your stories, or bring it up in your group text. There’s a message here someone you know needs to hear. Listen or Watch: You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch the full episode on YouTube. Subscribe to my channel for [https://www.youtube.com/@unfuckingmidlife] the video version of every episode plus bonus content. Today’s Episode is Supported By: MOON JUICE One thing that’s been supporting me lately is making calm an AM/PM ritual. In the morning, I take Moon Juice’s SuperYou—an adaptogen blend shown to help regulate cortisol, boost energy, and steady mood. At night, I wind down with Magnesi-Om—a magnesium powder with three essential magnesiums plus L-theanine to restore balance and ease me into rest. 👉 Explore Moon Juice Supplements → Here [https://amzn.to/42rXjxh] *Full disclosure: this is an affiliate link, which means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through it. I only share what I actually use and love—and right now, these two are part of my daily calm ritual.* Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Ashley Kelsch at ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Midlife Sex Revolution: Why Women Are Finally Getting What They Want With Dr. Holly Richmond

Sometimes it takes reaching midlife to finally understand what you actually want in the bedroom. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Holly Richmond, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, for an incredibly honest conversation about the sexual awakening happening for women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. We dive deep into why Gen X women are reportedly having the best sex of their lives, the role hormones play in desire, and how authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness in midlife. This isn't just about having better sex—it's about reclaiming pleasure, understanding your body's changes, and showing up as who you really are. In This Episode: The Midlife Sexual Awakening: * Why women in their 40s and 50s are experiencing unprecedented sexual confidence * How authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness * The difference between desire (psychological wanting) and arousal (physiological response) The Hormone Factor: * Why that flawed study 30 years ago scared women away from HRT * How declining estrogen and testosterone affect libido during menopause * Getting hormone levels checked every 6 months (and pushing back when doctors dismiss you) Relationship Dynamics That Actually Matter: * The crucial question: "Are you having sex worth wanting?" * Why it's now 50/50 whether the man or woman is the higher-desire partner * Leading with curiosity when introducing new elements * Navigating performance anxiety and past trauma that surfaces Practical Tools for Self-Discovery: * Sexual template work: discovering what you find sexy through the five senses * Creating "erotic flexibility" to prevent habituation * Why you might need toys now (and why that's completely normal) Dating After Divorce: * How past trauma resurfaces with new partners * The concept of "marrying your unfinished business" * Why therapy support is crucial when re-entering the dating world Key Quotes: "Sexual wellness for women in midlife is a lot about authenticity. It's showing up as we really are." "The more sex we have, the more sex we want. Sex is a muscle. If we don't use it, we lose it." "Are you having sex worth wanting? We've been asking the wrong question for decades." "We marry our unfinished business." Resources Mentioned: Books: * "Reclaiming Pleasure" [https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684038421/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_23S5K0K1N40KRX45VKS1] by Dr. Holly Richmond * "The Upgrade" [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780525577171] by Dr. Louann Brizendine * "Getting the Love You Want" [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781250310538] by Harville Hendrix * Various works by Emily Nagoski [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781982165314], Peggy Kleinplatz [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780367181376], and Esther Perel [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780062322593] Services: * Dr. Holly's wellness retreats https://sacredsurrendermedicine.com/women-survivors-retreat/ https://www.tandavaretreats.com/retreats/womens-sexual-trauma * Work with Dr. Holly: https://www.reclaimingyourpleasure.com/ Connect with Dr. Holly Richmond: * Instagram: * @drhollyrichmond * Website: https://drhollyrichmond.com/ Share This Episode: If this conversation opened your eyes to something new about midlife sexuality, please share it. Send it to that friend who's been struggling with desire changes, or post it in your stories. When you share these conversations, you're helping other women realize they're not alone in navigating the sexual changes that come with midlife. Today's Episode is Supported By: As we're talking about sexual wellness and reclaiming pleasure in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative. Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! Foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife [https://partners.foriawellness.com/UNFUCKINGMIDLIFE] Life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life. Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Ashley Kelsch at ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Unfucking the Hijack: What Getting Distracted is Actually Costing You

Sometimes it takes a pair of defective pants to reveal a pattern that's been hijacking my life for years. In this episode, I get brutally honest about the 10 distractions that used to completely derail my focus—and share the simple tools that finally helped me build mental "armadillo dividers" to stay in my lane. From revenge emails to toxic friendships, business comparison obsessions to dating drama forensics, these everyday distractions seem normal because so many of us engage in them daily. But they're costing us way more than we realize: our peace, our progress, and our power to create meaningful change. In This Episode: My 10 Biggest Hijacks (And Why They Don't Work Anymore): * Dating and relationship drama - The forensic analysis of every text and emoji * Phone gossip marathons - Hours of complaining without any progress * Consumption spirals - The mental gymnastics around alcohol, food, and social media * Business comparison obsession - Stalking other people's success stories * Shiny object syndrome - Every new business idea feeling like "the one" * Injustices of the world - Getting worked up about things beyond my control * Going after people who wronged me - Building cases and scheming for justice * Crafting the perfect revenge email - Hours writing emails I'd never send * Toxic friendships - Relationships that enable drama instead of growth * Spinning energy in all directions - Scattered effort that feels busy but isn't productive The Real Cost * How these distractions hijack more than time—they steal peace and progress * Why the need to be "right" often makes you the one who loses * The hidden price of staying stuck in these patterns for decades 4 Practical Solutions When Distractions Pop Up: * Watch yourself and your mind - Notice when you're getting pulled into spirals * Put it on paper - Bullet point (don't journal) for 5-10 minutes, then turn it over to the universe * Honor feelings while obeying priorities - You can acknowledge upset AND get back to work * Question what you're making it mean - Choose thoughts that serve you better Key Quotes: "I had to be right. I had to win. Not realizing that I'm actually the one losing—losing sight of myself, my time, and mostly my peace." "These pants did show me this behavior that has not served me for decades. God knows that has cost me way more than the money I spent on these pants." "Your mind does mature in midlife. It's not that we get smarter, it's that we stop wasting energy on things that don't move our lives forward." "Is this moving me toward what I want or away from it? That's a very valuable question." Share This Episode: If this episode hit you right in the feels, do me a favor and share it. Send it to that friend who's constantly getting hijacked by drama, or post it in your stories and tell people why it resonated. When you share these conversations, you're helping other women realize they're not alone in getting distracted by life's everyday chaos. Listen or Watch: You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, press play on the audio above, or watch the full episode on YouTube below. Prefer YouTube? Subscribe to my channel for the video version of every episode plus bonus content. Today's Episode is Supported By: As we're talking about reclaiming your energy and focus in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Sexual wellness is such an important part of unfucking midlife, and finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative. Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! Foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife [https://partners.foriawellness.com/UNFUCKINGMIDLIFE] Life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life. Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Ashley Kelsch at ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Midlife Lie: Why 40+ Is When Life Actually Begins

What if everything you've been told about midlife is completely backwards? In this week's episode, I'm breaking down the biggest lie we've been sold about getting older - and why your 40s might actually be when life REALLY begins. In this episode: * Why "midlife crisis" is outdated BS (call it midlife CLARITY instead) * The 6 fears that get louder after 40 (and why you're finally equipped to handle them) * Why your mind isn't ready for real success until midlife * How to stop using your past as evidence against your future * The midlife advantages you didn't have in your 20s The truth: You're not having a breakdown. You're having a breakthrough. Your emotional regulation peaks in your 40s, your confidence stabilizes, and you finally have the pattern recognition to know what actually works. Society tells us we're too late. Science proves we're right on time. As we're talking about reclaiming your power and pleasure in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Sexual wellness is such an important part of Unfucking Midlife, and finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative. Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! [https://partners.foriawellness.com/UNFUCKINGMIDLIFE] These are life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life. Whether you're dealing with dryness, discomfort, or just want to enhance your intimate experiences, these are the products I personally recommend and trust. Referenced in this episode: * My Substack post "I Had It All, Remember" [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/p/i-had-it-all-remember](free to read) * Reflection worksheet (available for paying subscribers) Listen or watch: You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, press play on the audio above, or watch the full episode on YouTube below. Prefer YouTube? Subscribe to my channel for the video version of every episode plus bonus content. Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Ashley Kelsch at ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]