In Awe

In Awe

Nobody at the park today. It happens. Not too disappointing as the narrator has just come from Mr Cavendish — and walks to the cliffs to look at the sea instead. What follows is the story of how Mr Cavendish came to matter at all. A Grindr introduction that kept missing itself for three months. A first visit to a bright seventh-floor apartment with panoramic windows overlooking a park’s meadows, a towel laid on the couch, and a man who opened the door looking every bit as nervous as the narrator. Then the encounter itself — raw, feral, unguarded — and the strange feeling afterwards of having found something that had been missing without ever quite knowing it was gone. Something extraordinary that made him feel ordinary. The episode moves between the erotic and the contemplative with the ease that has come to define this series. A childhood memory of standing on a train platform as another train rushed through — the world dissolving into a rapid series of fleeting images — becomes the frame for understanding what these encounters are: brilliant, vanishing, real. Not wounds. More like questions. This episode contains explicit adult content.

Coming Out at the Gate

This morning's meditation began with an instruction: Let yourself be supported by the surface beneath. It was meant as a grounding exercise. It turned out to be a description of the entire afternoon. There was nobody interesting at the park today — just Antonio, the gregarious Italian bear who long ago crossed the invisible line from hookup to friend. Antonio doesn't come to the park to cruise so much as to hold court: he finds out everyone's real names, tracks their comings and goings, and greets every quiet afternoon with the same mournful verdict — This place is dead — before settling in for another two hours. Standing with him in the cold, the narrator finds himself thinking about Rob and Tim — a couple of almost forty years who still make regular appearances at the park. Which leads, inevitably, to a question Antonio asks that doesn't have a clean answer: If your husband weren't ill, would you still come here? I don't know. And for a moment, he really couldn't say. What follows is a meditation on the nature of male desire — not as failure or compulsion, but as something deeper and more structural. Something to do with restlessness, with the impulse to seek more even when the surface of a life looks complete. Something, perhaps, simply given to us. Like gravity. When Rob arrives and falls into conversation with Antonio, the narrator notices his presence barely acknowledged, feels the cold close in, and says his goodbyes to two backs that are already slightly turned away. Coming Out at the Gate is quieter than the episodes that precede it — less encounter, more conversation, more sky. It's an episode about the men who become furniture in a place like this, and what it means to keep showing up somewhere that asks nothing of you except your presence.

Bad Daddy

A dog needs a trim. A man says "Well." And the afternoon opens up in unexpected directions. In this episode of Walks in the Park, the narrator arrives to find the social arithmetic of the car park already complicated — Gavin pointedly not looking, Rob materialising with his dog Zippy and his sailor's beanie and his easy blue eyes. What follows is honest, warm, and faintly perplexing: a hookup with a man the narrator genuinely likes, and a body that responds with something close to a shrug. The mystery of desire gets more interesting when a white van driver climbs out with something other than lunch on his mind. He's broad, bald, built like someone who works with his hands — and he is. Paint-smudged and direct, he offers the answer to a question the narrator hadn't quite formed yet: there's a difference between warmth and fire, and the body knows which one it needs before the mind catches up. Philosophical, funny, and quietly revelatory. Explicit adult content.

Strange Day

Some days announce themselves in advance. The night before, there were snakes — a whole congress of them, coiling through sleep with unhurried purpose. Freud, famously, was unambiguous on the subject. Strange Day follows an afternoon in the park that begins with two cancellations and ends with a wink that reframes everything. Along the way: a scene of accidental beauty that stops the narrator in his tracks; the long-awaited resolution of a maddening pattern; a beanie hat that keeps sliding at the worst possible moments; and a reunion with a man whose cold, carved-stone face belongs, unmistakably, to a Second World War German officer. Or possibly Arnold Schwarzenegger. The unconscious, it turns out, keeps its own diary — one step ahead of the life being lived.

A Little Bad

Sometimes desire feels like a sin we need to ration—but what if our very nature as men asks us to be "bad," to hunger, to live? This week's walk brings an unexpected lesson in protection and abundance when Mike the Boy Scout shows his protective instincts, and a shy stranger delivers more than anyone bargained for. A meditation on male worry, masculine energy, and the rewards of asking for a bit more.