Barely Historical

Cleopatra | It's the Trojan Horse, but Horny

Hot take to start the show: every man who has ever lost his entire mind over a woman has blamed her for it. Two thousand years ago that energy started a civil war, ended with Julius Caesar getting stabbed 23 times on the Senate floor, and somehow left us remembering the smartest woman in the Mediterranean for her eyeliner and a snake. This week Amanda and JoLynne take on Cleopatra VII, the last Pharaoh of Egypt, fluent in nine languages, queen at 18, mother to Caesar's only biological son, and the most successfully slandered woman in human history. Spoiler: according to the actual ancient source, she wasn't even that hot. She just out-talked every Roman in the room and they could not handle it. In this episode: * Fact or Follicle, a beauty quiz where we figure out which ancient Egyptian skincare routines were real and which Amanda made up in the shower (pubic wigs glued on with tree resin: tragically real) * The Ptolemaic family tree, which is technically just a circle * How a 21-year-old got herself smuggled into Julius Caesar's bedroom rolled up in a rug, which is either the most badass entrance in history or the most theater kid behavior of all time * Red Flag or Roman Emperor, the dating game where Caligula keeps showing up * Mark Antony, the original man who moved too fast, abandoned his Roman wife, and started minting coins with his side piece on them * Octavian, a sickly little accountant who invented the political smear campaign and somehow still has us repeating his lies in 2026 * Why the snake story is biologically insane and what probably actually killed her (girl had a poison garden energy) * A real ancient cocktail called The Cleopatra, which involved dissolving a pearl in vinegar to flex on a man at dinner Also covered: lice horror stories, why Korean skincare is superior, Brendan Fraser appreciation, and the eternal question of whether sleeping in socks is a war crime. Follow us on TikTok, Instagram, and Patreon at @BarelyHistorical for bonus episodes and our worst takes. Share this one with the guy who calls his situationship his queen, the friend doing a six-month Cleopatra skincare routine with nothing to show for it, and anyone currently losing it over a man who is, objectively, mid. Let's ruin the past.

De Clare: Too Much Power, Too Few Cousins

This week, we’re diving into the chaotic world of the De Clare sisters, one of medieval England’s most powerful families. What starts as inheritance drama quickly turns into royal favoritism, political manipulation, tangled family trees, suspiciously close relationships, and enough rumors to make an entire kingdom uncomfortable. We talk about King Edward II, Hugh Despenser, Piers Gaveston, medieval marriage politics, power struggles, inheritance battles, and why keeping land and influence inside the same elite circles created absolute chaos. Along the way, we also discuss bizarre medieval behavior, weird historical jobs, and why history’s family trees sometimes look more like family wreaths. If you like messy royals, medieval history, scandal, dark humor, and uncomfortable historical rumors, this episode is for you. Credits Hosts: JoLynne & Amanda Produced by Barely Historical Contact: oops@barelyhistorical.com Let’s ruin the past.

Sid & Nancy | Punk Isn't Dead But These Two Sure Are

Patreon Bonus Episode. The year is 1978, and apparently the hottest relationship trend is mutual destruction. JoLynne and Amanda ruin history with the chaotic, toxic, and wildly overrated romance of SID VICIOUS and NANCY SPUNGEN. From the rise of punk in a collapsing England to the disaster that was the Sex Pistols’ U.S. tour, we follow two people who should have absolutely never been left unsupervised together. In this episode, we get into punk culture in 1970s England, why SID became famous despite barely being able to play bass, and how NANCY went from suburban Philadelphia to the center of the CBGB scene in New York. We talk heroin, hotel fights, bad decisions, worse men, and the murder at the Chelsea Hotel that turned their mess into legend. Spoiler: this was not a love story. It was codependency with better eyeliner. In this episode • How punk exploded out of economic collapse and pure spite • Why SID VICIOUS was more image than musician • NANCY SPUNGEN’s complicated life before New York • The Sex Pistols’ absolute trainwreck of a U.S. tour • Room 100 at the Chelsea Hotel and the murder that followed • Why history keeps trying to make terrible men romantic Credits Hosts: JoLynne & Amanda Produced by Barely Historical Contact: oops@barelyhistorical.com Let’s ruin the past.

Gilded Age Mansions: Wealth, Labor, & Dark Truths

What were Gilded Age mansions really hiding? In this episode of Barely Historical, we dive into the outrageous world of America’s most extravagant homes—built during the late 1800s by names like the Vanderbilts, Astors, and Morgans. These weren’t just houses… they were statements. Massive, detailed, and honestly a little unhinged. But once you get past the marble staircases, gold leaf everything, and “casual” ballrooms… the story shifts. Because behind the luxury was something else entirely. We break down: * What the Gilded Age actually was (and why it still feels relevant today) * How these mansions were built with zero modern machinery * The insane level of craftsmanship that still doesn’t make sense * The hidden systems and labor that kept these homes running * Real scandals, including a public murder tied to this world * And why so many of these mansions didn’t survive Plus: * A chaotic game of “Gilded Building or Bullshit” * Smash or Pass: Billionaire Edition * Real Gilded Age headlines * And quick facts that will make you question everything about wealth, then and now This episode starts as architecture… and ends somewhere much deeper. If you love: history, dark humor, weird facts, rich people doing too much, and stories that feel a little too familiar… you’re in the right place. Welcome to Barely Historical—the podcast where we take the past, look a little closer, and realize it’s never as simple as it appears. Follow us for more history that makes you stare at the ceiling afterward. Follow us: @barelyhistoricalpodcast on Instagram and TikTok Email: ⁠⁠oops@barelyhistoricalpod.com⁠⁠ [oops@barelyhistoricalpod.com] Hosted by Amanda and JoLynne~60 minutes | Explicit | Released 04/23/2026 Let's ruin The Guilded Age

Boston's Great Molasses Flood of 1919 | Brown Paint, Horses, & Bed Rafts

The year is 1919. Boston is minding its business when a 50-foot tank full of molasses says, “absolutely not.” JoLynne and Amanda ruin history with a literal syrup tsunami, corporate negligence, and the moment breakfast turned into a crime scene. This is the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, and yes… it is exactly as insane as it sounds. In this episode, we cover a 30–40 foot wave of molasses moving at 35 mph, the engineering strategy of “paint it brown and pray,” a man who literally rafted through molasses on his bed (we respect it), why this somehow gets worse the more you think about it, and the world’s worst legal defense: “the anarchists did it.” Chapters 00:00 Cold open 02:30 Intro Game: Would You Rather – Sticky Situations 07:45 Paint It Brown and Pray 15:30 How Do You Die 22:00 Cracker Barrel Crime Scene 28:00 Wrap Games we played (because we’re professionals) Would You Rather: Sticky Situations — slow, warm, pancake death vs. fast, cold, salty death. Choose wisely. How Do You Die — are you nosy, petty, or protecting your laundry? Either way… the molasses is coming. The takeaway: sometimes history is kings and wars. Sometimes it’s a giant tank of breakfast exploding because no one wanted to spend money on safety. And somehow it’s both hilarious and horrifying. Follow us wherever you ruin history.